Single and the City/Amber Soletti

Are these guys telling the truth?

Having dated online since I moved to NYC in 2000, it goes without saying that I have more experience perusing men’s online dating profiles than any single gal should. I want to share with you what I’ve found to be the top ten dating profile “red flags” that could save you the ridiculous amount of time that I have now forever lost by corresponding with and/or going out with some total losers.

Disclaimer: To any of the men whose profiles inspired and unknowingly lent to the quotes that comprise my post, let’s all hope for your sake that knowing is truly half the battle.

1. Hat Trick

If a guy’s profile only features photos of him sporting a baseball cap, don’t just assume that it’s his favorite hat or that all of the photos must have been taken from the same outing. In “physical description” he may have even filled in the question of “hair color” with “ask me later.” Don’t get me wrong—a lot of bald guys are hot. My dating service even offers a “Bald And The Beautiful” Speed Dating event that always sells out for women. What’s NOT hot is a self-loathing, insecure guy that’s hiding under his hat.

2. “Model” Citizen

Avoid a guy who talks about how he does some “acting and modeling on the side,” is a “former model/personal trainer,” or any variation of having once had a “lucrative career as a model.” They either feel that all they have going for them is their looks, are living in the past, or they’re not looking so great these days and are hoping by mentioning that they used to model, you will find them hotter.

3. CAPITAL Offense

Any guy who writes his entire profile in ALL CAPS should be avoided at all costs. i.e. “I’M JUST YOUR EVERY DAY PEOPLE AND WOULD LIKE TO MEET SOMEONE SEXY, AND DOWN TO EARTH.” Uh, capital “NO.” It’s as if they’re overcompensating with a large font for their small intellectual capacity.

4. “Killer” Profile

If a guy’s profile pic even remotely resembles Jeffrey Dahmer, to the point where you’re seriously questioning if it is actually him or perhaps a first cousin, you might want to go ahead and click “next.” You know what I’m talking about–the thin guy with the glasses, scraggly hair and a total menacing, pedophile-esque look on his blank, expressionless face. Granted, some people aren’t photogenic and look better in person, but honestly, are you willing to risk your life on it?

Reject-proof ways to put yourself out there. They won’t know what hit ‘em.

As single women, it’s not always easy to go after what you want, to put yourself out there without fearing the possibility of rejection or coming across as desperate. Here are my tried-and-true, reject-proof ways to covertly pick up men. Trust me, they won’t know what hit ‘em.

1. “Digital Underground”
This tactic is guaranteed to not only get him to take your number but also get his digits. This requires an over-sized, seemingly disorganized-looking purse or bag and can pretty much be used anywhere. I inadvertently stumbled upon this maneuver on a flight home to Texas. I was on a crowded airplane, and during the hustle and bustle of stowing my luggage and getting settled in my seat, came to discover I no longer had my cell phone. In a panic, I turned to the guy in the seat behind me, explained the situation and asked if he could call my phone so I could try to find it. Gave him my digits and had him make the call.

As soon as I heard my phone start ringing I immediately realized what had just transpired and the new “super power” I now possessed of being able to give hot guys my number while simultaneously obtaining theirs. Turned out my cell was in my purse. We shared a laugh, chatted before take-off and ended up going out for a first date later that weekend as he conveniently had my digits and ended up “text” asking me out.

2. “The Bend Sans Snap”
This would end up being my biggest take-away from the movie “Legally Blonde” years after the fact, but I must say it is one of the most effective ways to initiate a conversation with a guy you’re interested in. It’s especially effective to use at a party. The first time I attempted it was on a dare at a party, my “gay husband” dared me to do the “bend and snap” to get the attention of a hot guy. I said “fine,” strutted by him and dropped my clutch, practically on his foot. I seductively bent down, arched my back while picking it up… and before I could even manage a snap, he asked if I had lead in my purse. Thirty minutes later into a conversation with this guy, I realized that there was really something to this whole “bend and snap” thing.

Dating tips for your—and your hair.

As a resident single New Yorker, curly girl and dating expert, here are my top dating tips for other curly women trying to navigate the singles scene.

1. Tress To Kill. Ignore the dating advice of Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger about spending a lot of money for a first date blow-out. Instead, wear your hair curly. But here’s the key: don’t just wear it curly—make sure your curly tresses are looking their best. You can achieve this by applying product properly on damp hair, diffusing or air drying, and if needed, going back in with a curling rod and/or some anti-frizz pomade.

2. Be Approachable. The great news is that curly girls have a tendency to appear carefree, bubbly and fun in general. To enhance this, smile when trying to catch the eye of a potential suitor. Body language is also key for appearing approachable. Be aware of how you are sitting. You don’t want to have your arms crossed and appear closed off or guarded.

3. Keep Them Guessing. One of the great things about being a curly girl is versatility. Almost all men have a fantasy of being with a different girl every night. So if you played it curly on your first date, mix it up and keep them guessing. Go wavy on date two and remember to rock your curls in various fun styles. Messy buns are super sexy and easy to achieve. Remember, with curly hair you have lots of options, so stay true to yourself but have fun!

We’ve got tips to ensure you’ve got a date next Valentine’s Day!

So you’re single. Rather than spending “Singles Awareness Day,” aka S.A.D., staying in and watching the Lifetime movie of the week, why not take advantage of what is in fact the BIGGEST “hook-up” day of the year for singles? Not only is it the best day to meet someone, Valentine’s Day is also the best night to go out in the city because it’s the one night of the year you’re almost 100% guaranteed that the “singles” you’re meeting are actually single.

Here are some of my dating tips on things to do on Valentine’s Day so that you’re actually looking forward to V-day as a single instead of joining in on the pity party.

1. Pay For Play. Research Valentine’s Day singles parties and local dating events online. We’re throwing two major Valentine’s Day singles parties the weekend before Valentine’s Day so that singles can ideally find a date at the event who will take them out on a first date on Valentine’s Day. These dating events don’t have to be super expensive and are a great way to meet singles that are also clearly looking to meet someone. If you’re more of a shy introvert, make sure to look for a party that is more structured and offers activities like speed dating, dating games, or ice breakers so all of the pressure isn’t on you to go up to people and start conversations on your own.

2. Girls Night Out. If a dating service that offers singles events isn’t your scene and you’re looking for a more “organic” way of meeting someone, call up your favorite wing woman, get dressed up and do dinner together somewhere fabulous. Post-dinner, hit some local singles bars and lounges for drinks. Several singles lounges and bars will be offering “ladies night” drink specials for Valentine’s Day, and knowing this, single, savvy guys (the kind you want to meet) will be showing up in droves. Keep in mind when deciding whom to recruit as your wing woman that you DO NOT want to have more than 1-2 women come out with you. A group of women (3+) can be intimidating, 2-3 women is still approachable while at the same time not seeming desperate that you’d be hanging at a bar solo on Valentine’s Day looking to meet someone.

Also keep in mind who you are recruiting to come out with you. The last person you want to invite is your “Debbie Downer,” next-door neighbor who is going to bitch and moan all night about how you guys are going to be single for the rest of your lives!

If you’re looking to have a good time and are seeking attention, perhaps you shouldn’t invite your hottest girlfriend to come out with you. “Rachelle” may be a good friend and all, but think about how you feel when you’re out with her. If you feel invisible and like you’re always second choice with all the guys when you’re out with her, then maybe Valentine’s Day isn’t the night to invite your Brazilian supermodel friend out. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result—I’m just saying!

If you’re looking to meet men on Valentine’s Day here’s another hint…don’t hit the bars with your “gay husband.” Everyone is going to think you guys are together, which won’t help either of your causes! Trust me, it took me like eight years of living in NYC to figure that one out.

If you don’t have a single girlfriend to go out with, be pro-active and find one. Post a platonic ad on Craig’s List looking for a single wing woman to go out with on Valentine’s Day. I’ve done this before and definitely met some super cool women, some of whom I’m still friends with. My dating agency also offers a “wing woman” speed networking event where you can meet 10-20 women in one night, one of which who could potentially be your new BFF and Valentine’s Day date.

3. Milk It! Valentine’s Day is one of the most commercialized holidays ever. Just because you aren’t in a relationship doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take full advantage of all of the promotions and discounts made available to couples. Simply recruit your favorite wing woman, “gay husband” or platonic guy friend to take advantage of all of the “couples offers”. Book a “couples” massage, facial or manicure/pedicure together. Many restaurants will also be offering amazing tasting menus and special promotions on Valentine’s Day. As a single gal you definitely want to take full advantage of these types of Valentine’s Day offers. Use the money you would normally be spending on a significant other and splurge on yourself and/or your friends.

NYC-based dating service OnSpeedDating.Com in partnership with NaturallyCurly.Com recently hosted its first-ever “Curls Gone Wild” Speed Dating event on Thursday, December 2nd, 2010.

Dennis Reilly (36), a New York firefighter was one of the first single men to request OnSpeedDating add a “curly” speed dating theme to their constantly-growing portfolio of themed singles events. “I sent an email three months ago,” says Reilly. “I love confident, curly haired women and am happy to see it’s finally happening”.

Several recent requests for this particular event by curl aficionado NY singles, like Dennis, clearly counter the singular voice of Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger’s constant “curl bashing”. “It’s not even about straight versus curly anymore,” says NaturallyCurly.Com Co-Founder, Michelle Breyer. “It’s about women embracing their natural beauty. Patti Stanger is a giant step backwards in terms of female empowerment.” Contrary to Stanger’s obvious misconception, NYC men respond positively to women with curls. “We actually had a wait list for men wanting to get into this event,” explains OnSpeedDating.Com Co-Founder Carmine Di Re.

“I’m going to admit that I typically do blow-out my hair straight on a first date,” said single girl, Michele Jones. “As women, we’ve been pre-conditioned by the media to believe that men want women with straight hair. I was so excited to see a singles event where I can actually be myself and know the guys are gonna like me – curls and all!”

Thursday night’s event quickly reached its goal registration of 15 men and 15 women ranging in age from 24 to 46. The Watering Hole, a Gramercy mainstay, featured three-tiers of cascading two-top tables and romantic lighting. Each table was adorned with a number, dating pamphlets, pencils and plenty of sponsor-provided Sweetbreath breath freshener, ensuring daters would breath-friendly throughout the night.

First-time speed dater and recent California transplant Thomas Holmes, (24), heard about OnSpeedDating’s multitude of theme-specific events through their guest appearance on Howard Stern. “I find curly women to be fun and sexy and like to think of their wild, curly hair as an extension of their extremely outgoing personality. There are so many gorgeous women here tonight I am really psyched.”

The evening started off with singles checking in around thirty minutes prior to the event start. Informal mingling over drink specials gave the men the initial opportunity to marvel at the abundance of cascading curls, while a few of the women swapped hair styling tips with each other.

The speed dating began at 7:30pm once all of the single men and women had been seated in pairs. The chime of the bell signaled each couple to begin their three-minute “date”. Many were relaxed, a few were nervous, but conversation, curls and drinks flowed all night and smiles were contagious. With every chime, the men moved to the next table until they had the chance to meet all 15 women in attendance.

In support of the confident curl girls who ventured out on such a cold December evening, DevaChan Salon and Deva Spa Co-owner Lorraine Massey made a surprise appearance with a $250 DevaCurl gift basket in tow to award to the woman with the best curls. With 15 curl-vaceous women to choose from, after careful evaluation, Lorraine’s expert eye singled out the curly blonde tresses of single New Yorker, Gail Glidewell (33).

“I definitely connected with some women tonight,” says Financier Rob Alder, (33). “I’d say there were at least 4 women that I would be interested in seeing again.”

For $35, the curly haired women in attendance not only got to meet attractive, professional men, they also were guaranteed that they wouldn’t go home alone. Every woman left with three bags worth of curly swag from major hair care sponsors like Devachan Salon, Deva Spa, Miss Jessie’s, Christo 5th Avenue, Hercut, BeautyVT and Avon. Performer, Tauren Hagens (36), a brunette with above the shoulder curls enthused, “I am blown away by tonight! Hot men and free hair care products? What more could a girl ask for?”

Di Re summarized the success of the evening by stating, “Based on the turn-out, energy and connections I saw tonight, I foresee this becoming one of our more popular events.”

To guarantee a spot at OnSpeedDating.Com’s next “Curls Gone Wild” speed dating nyc event, register for the waitlist at OnSpeedDating.Com.

Check out the photos from “Curls Gone Wild” Speed Dating by adding Amber Guesa as a facebook friend.

“You Never Get a Second Chance to Make a First Impression,” has been forever ingrained in our minds, thanks to the Head and Shoulders ad campaigns of the 1980s. Meeting the parents for the first time can definitely be a make or break relationship milestone that you want to get right the first time. Below are my tips and dating advice for successfully navigating the “parental waters” during the already-stressful holidays.

Know Before You Go

First and foremost, only agree to meet the parents if you consider your relationship to be serious and on that level. I can’t tell you how many of my girlfriends and/or matchmaking clients have agreed to meet the parents of someone they’re not even that “into.” Talk about sending mixed messages! Here this person thinks you guys are totally serious because you’re spending the holidays with them and their family, and in reality, you were just in it for the free home-cooked meal or maybe just had nothing better going on. I’m telling you, it happens, so consider what meeting your significant other’s parents means to them and their family. Make sure this is the path you want to go down, because at the end of the day if it doesn’t work out, you don’t only have to break up with them but also their family.

The 411

Open and honest communication is key to the success of any relationship. Hopefully you and your significant other are already close and you are aware of their home life growing up and any on-going family dramas or hot buttons. In the event you aren’t, now’s the time to get up to speed quickly. How did the parents meet? Are they religious? What do they do for work? What are their interests, and/or favorite TV shows? What, if anything, did they not like about any previous girlfriends? If you and your sweetie are staying the night, are the parents the type to let you stay in the same room? You definitely need the low-down on anything and everything “familial” prior to going into what could very well be the lion’s den.

Get On The Same Page

Anticipating the tough questions and having a game plan as to how to answer them is a must. Do you want the parents to know you guys met at an S&M bar, on a free online dating site, at a singles party for swingers or at a “Bi-onic” speed dating event for bi-sexual women and the men who love them? If not, you better get your stories straight. Are the parents aware that you are living together? If not, you need to make sure you don’t accidentally “out” your living situation while passing the mashed potatoes. Topics to be prepared for might include whether you’re having safe sex, when you’re getting married and/or having kids. In the event you’re dealing with manipulative parents, or more likely, a possessive mom who may bring up stories about ex-girlfriends, it’s always good to have a full-disclosure session with your mate beforehand so there are no major surprises. In trying times like these it’s good to refer to the Boy Scouts tried-and true-motto, “be prepared”.

Come Bearing Gifts

When meeting the parents for the first time you definitely don’t want to go in empty-handed. A nice bottle of wine, their favorite dessert, fresh-cut flowers, a new release or classic DVD or board game of the Milton Bradley variety are some good gift ideas. If they’re not drinkers, maybe some gourmet coffee, sparkling cider or chocolates. Something personalized is always the best way to go, but at the end of the day it’s the thought that counts. It’s sort of like Kindergarten where if you bring something to class you have to have enough for everyone. It wouldn’t be cool for you to bring something very specific and un-sharable, say a picture frame or book for one person leaving out the rest of the family.

As single women, when it comes to relationships, we like to have closure and more importantly, to know where we stand at ALL times. In today’s convoluted dating world where honesty and transparency pretty much don’t exist largely due to the internet, free dating sites and cell phones providing already non-committal men with even MORE options, where do we stand? Let’s talk about some “dating labels”—words or phrases that define where we are in a relationship.

“Dating”: If I’m seeing someone who has “boyfriend potential” I like to say that I’m dating. “Boyfriend potential” meaning he has the majority of things on my “LIST.” Is he the one? Too soon to tell, but he could potentially be “the one,” and we will continue to “date” until I figure it out. To be clear, I can’t say that I’ve done very much “dating” in the city. I very RARELY click with and am attracted to someone and in the rare event that I am, they typically end up being unavailable and/or raising red flags which quickly down-grades their “dating” status. Is it okay to “date” more than one person at a time? I think it is critical to “date” multiple men. “Things”, especially in New York City, have a tendency to NOT work out. By having a couple of guys in the rotation, you’re keeping your options open, which helps lessen the disappointment when it doesn’t work…there’s always the other guy.

“Seeing Someone” If you’re going out with someone you know is NOT “the one” but you are sleeping with him and spending time with him, then by my definition, you are “seeing” him. Guess it’s a kind of a more respectable way to describe an unspoken “friends with benefits” or “hook-up” situation. I tend to “recycle” guys that I’ve “seen” in the past. They come, they go, but they ALWAYS come back in some form or fashion even years later.

“Boyfriend” Actions speak louder than words with exception to “the talk” which HAS to happen for your “relationship” to be legit. He can be acting like your boyfriend, seeing you a few times a week, calling you every night, holding your hand in public, BUT, if you do not have “the talk”, he in his own mind can still think he is single and actually, based on the unspoken rules of dating, technically has the right to still be seeing other people. Most men try to put off having “the talk” for as long as possible. Here’s a hint: Stay away from men who are initiating “the talk”, especially if it’s within a couple of weeks of meeting you.

As a matchmaker and resident NYC single gal who runs speed dating NYC events, observing male and female interaction on a daily basis, curly women are constantly asking me if on a first date they should follow Patti Stanger’s advice of getting their hair professionally blown out.

Here’s my take on the Millionaire Matchmaker’s, (who can obviously afford unlimited salon blow-outs), insistence that looking your best on a first date requires having straight/sleek hair. I give the same advice for job interviews and first dates, which can often feel like a job interview. Be yourself. If you’re not the type to wear a suit to work everyday, yet alone at all, than don’t wear one on the interview and give the impression of being something you’re not. If you’re a curly girl that doesn’t plan on blowing her hair out every single day, than why go through all the effort of ultimately misleading your date? You want a guy to be “into” and attracted to you for you, curls and all.

Here’s what I know. Men find versatile women HOT. Versatility in the bedroom, in your sexuality, the way you dress. Think about it. As a woman of curl, you have the option of going straight one night, wavy the next and full-on kinky the third. For men, it can almost be like being with a different girl every night.

I thought I would share my tips and techniques for turning up the heat and “melting” the ice on a first date.

Cut To The Chase

As a single New Yorker, life is too short for there to be taboo “first-date” subjects. I say put it all out there so as not to waste time. You want passion in your relationship? Talk about topics of substance. Politics, religion, sexual preferences, everything you were always told NOT to talk about on a first date are the conversations which will really enable you to see if you’re going to be compatible with and potentially connect with a person in the long run. Why wait till the third or fourth date to find out that you don’t see eye to eye on major, “deal-breaker” topics?

Don’t be afraid to share something about yourself.

Share Dating “War Stories”

On a first date, you don’t necessarily want to dive into your recent divorce or how your college sweetheart broke your heart, now causing you to seek professional help. However, relating on a “single in the city” level is definitely a good thing. If you two met online, ask what his or her worst online date was. I’m sure you have had your share as well. This will be an entertaining topic that you both will be able to relate to. It will also provide major insight into your date, empowering you with the knowledge not to make the same “bad date” mistakes. For example she shares with you how the guy she went out with was such a horrible tipper that the owner of the restaurant came over and made a scene. Perhaps with this knowledge you’ll go ahead and leave 20% to make a good impression rather than the standard 15%.

Be Bold

Technology and the Internet have empowered singles to date 24/7. How do you stand out and become more than just another first- and last-date statistic? Rather than sticking to the basic, run-of-the-mill “where are you from,” “what do you do,” “where do you live” line of questioning that the majority of first dates entail, mix it up. Find out his/her celebrity crush, if they could only eat at one restaurant for the rest of their life what would it be, what would they or wouldn’t they do for a million dollars? This line of questioning is open-ended, fun, flirty and most importantly will allow you to gain more depth and understanding of your date.

Play Games

If your date is a big movie buff, or geography guru, rather than just talking about the subject, turn it into a game. For example, “Do you like movies?” Have you ever played the movie game?” Pick an actor/actress and go back and forth naming their movies until one of you can’t come up with one. Whoever lasts the longest wins and gets a massage or have the loser pick up the next round of drinks. A little competition is healthy for a relationship, especially a new one. It will help you gauge how smart, creative, competitive, collaborative and most importantly, what type of winner/loser your date is. It also creates the good type of “sexual tension” that will secure you a second date.

New York, the city with everything, but a dating scene, it seems.

After ten years of living in NYC I’ve come to realize it is in fact “The City With Everything” where you can have anything at any time…everything that is, excluding a committed relationship. Those are few and far between in my city…definitely not like Starbucks or Ray’s Pizza.

I think the biggest challenge is that no one moves to NYC with the intention of settling down and meeting “the one.” People move to the city to focus on their careers, to work and play hard while having as much fun as possible in the process.

After ten years of living here, I’d sum up the NYC dating scene as a seemingly never-ending string of disappointing first and last dates.

WAY more women than men and that’s before you even factor in how many of those single men are gay, vertically challenged and/or unemployed.

Also unique to dating in NYC vs. other cities is that there is a large portion of singles that are still living at home or with multiple roommates despite being in their 30’s and 40’s.

Cell phones, the Internet and what is now a multi-billion dollar dating industry have contributed to a major lack of commitment and exclusivity due to everyone’s sole commitment being to find the “next best thing”.

I’ll never forget my first singles event in the city. It was a speed dating event for singles 28-35. I’m 5’10 and don’t date guys under 6’0”. I literally walked into a sea of small, unattractive, socially awkward men. As I towered over everyone I remember thinking to myself, ‘wow, everything is BIGGER in Texas’.

The first “date” I sat down with, for what may end up being the most painful 8 minutes of my life looked up at me (he was probably like 5’3 standing) and said, “I know you, you’re on Match.Com, I emailed you 5 times and you wouldn’t give me the time of day. I paid my $40—now you have to talk to me”.

This speed dating event was what inspired the creation of my own dating service. I thought the concept of speed dating was great in the sense that it increased the odds that you would hit it off with someone; however, I still wasn’t meeting the guys I wanted to meet. That’s when it hit me…speed dating had the quantity aspect covered. If I could just find a way to incorporate the “quality” portion I could offer something the other services weren’t.

We introduced OnSpeedDating to the NYC market in 2008. Our point of difference? “Themed” events based on singles dating “deal-breakers” and 3-minute dates. Chemistry is unpredictable. What we do know is it’s usually instant, and it’s either there or it’s not. After my experience with speed dating, I figured it’s better to leave people wanting more than wanting to slit their wrists—making 3-minute dates ideal.

Think about it. Are you more likely to hit it off with someone because they fall within a 28-35 age range, or because they meet your height requirement, enjoy the same past times/hobbies as you and perhaps even share your same political views? We all have relationship “deal-breakers”, and that does not make us shallow. It just makes us singles that know what we want and I always say ‘knowing is half the battle’.

Wouldn’t you feel better if you knew one of them were always by your side?

Initially we started hosting events somewhat selfishly themed around what we were “into” and looking for. For me, tall men at our “Size Matters” speed dating event for men 6’1+ where we do in fact measure to ensure men aren’t rounding up from 5’10 1/2, “Rescue Me” night for sexy, single firemen, “Date A Democrat”, and seeing as how I’m “into” the audio as much as the visual, “Men With Accents Are Hot”. For my single at the time business partner, “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”, “Hot For Teacher”, and of course “Stacked” for the breast-of-intentioned men.

Two years later we now offer over 70+ themed events including a new “Curls Gone Wild” night. Finally speed dating with a real “twist.” For wild, romantic, free-spirited curly haired women and the men who LOVE them.

Would love to hear what the dating scene is like in your city. What your absolute relationship “deal-breakers” are and what, if any additional events you think we may be missing. Check out all of our upcoming speed dating NYC events and let me know what you think.