3) Female vampires sparkle rainbows.
As I watched, a pair of pale women in summer dresses paused in a patch of light, and, like prisms, their skin threw the light in rainbow sparkles against the sienna walls.*
VAMPIRES ARE ****ING DISCO BALLS IN MEYER'S WORLD. JESUS ****TING CHRIST.
7) Vampires attract tourists to eat by using a sexy lady vampire.
Here's the best. This is LUSH. At the end of the chapter, as Edward, Alice, and Bella are leaving, a female vampire named Heidi returns, wearing apparently the shortest skirt of all time and a tight shirt and being clearly a *~sexy maiden~*. She brings with her over 40 tourists, which include "one small, dark woman in particular. Around her neck was a rosary, and she gripped the cross tightly in one hand. She walked more slowly than the others, touching someone now and then and asking a question in an unfamiliar language. No one seemed to understand her, and her voice grew more panicked."
On the next page, Bella says: "I suddenly understood the attention-grabbing outfit she wore...she was not only the fisherman, but also the bait."
Yeah. Somehow, Meyer thinks a sexy, busty, leggy lady will attract random, clueless tourists DOWN INTO THE SEWER. There are couples in this group and an obviously religious lady who is a "darky" to Meyer and kind of implies that foreign, dark-skinned people are vulnerable and will get EATEN by white people. (Just so you know, every vampire is white in this book. Really. Even though vampires have been around forever, not one non-white person was ever made into a vampire. Sort of like how black people can't get into Heaven if you're a Mormon. Awesome!)
THIS. MAKES. NO. SENSE. How the **** did this lady convince 40+ people, many who are not American frat boys, to come with her UNDERGROUND?
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. 80 pages left of this ********.