bananashake

My 34th birthday is nearing and I'm starting to accept that there is a very good chance that I won't have kids. I can't say that I "accept" it, but it is what it is. I just can't help but wonder....why me? I would make an excellent mother. I have a nice job with a decent income, plenty of patience, common sense approach to things, I'd be actively involved in their lives and extracurricular, and I would parent them versus being bff with them.

My sister, my ex and many of my friends have been blessed 1, 2 or 3 times and seem to take it for granted. I see them fiddling with their phones on the park bench while their kids are calling out their name. I cringe at the junk they feed them because they are too lazy to prepare a healthy meal for them. They roll out of bed at the last minute, rush out the door, get the kids to school and when the kids come home, they jump on their Nintendo, while mom/dad jump on the computer. They don't set good examples on how to keep a relationship healthy and intact with the opposite sex (like with the kid's father), etc, etc, etc.

I know I can adopt, but I can't afford the expense of adoption... and adopting as a single woman in her mid 30's is not viewed as ideal to adoption agencies.

I could get pregnant by any guy, but I'm not about to do that. I'm very selective on who I mix genetics with.

I have been in 2 serious relationships in my life...and boy, am I glad I didn't get married. Everyone wanted me to get married. And I felt the pressure, especially considering that I wanted kids. But luckily, I listened to that inner- voice. But now I'm kicking myself!! I wasted some damn good fertile years on those 2 losers. I'm lucky that I didn't marry them, but why did I stay with them for so long?

I'm back in the dating scene and not having any luck. I think that by the time I find someone that I find as marriage material, my eggs will be burned up. And no, I'm not going to try procreation too late in life. My parents are aging and getting health problems and I'd like to be there for them when they need me - not possible if I have a little baby/toddler. So maybe parenthood was never on my map. I just don't understand "why". How do you accept it and make peace with it??