I have got to stay out of the non-hair general discussion. These preggo & step-parent posts done got me all fired up.

Why are children only yours if they only come from your womb or seed? Is it not something wrong with society if we can't love them despite the lack of a biological connection? I've never understood this notion, but I'm a product of my upbringing for sure and my family still rather subscribes to the notion that it takes a village to raise a child and they could care less where the kid came from or who else its attached to.
Originally Posted by demsdata
Well I think some people really feel that way. I have to be honest I would not have married my husband if he had outside children or even had been married before me. I wouldn't want to deal with someone else's kids or an ex-wife. I've heard about and seen that go horrible to many times..even when I was a kid I remember thinking, "No way am I marrying anyone with kids and an ex-wife!". The exception would be like if he was married and his wife had died and was trying to raise his kid(s) on his own. Oh then it's no problem..I would marry him and help him raise the kid(s) and I would adopt them legally ASAP so then they would be MY kids.

But I think for a lot of people it's difficult to embrace children that are not their own or blood relatives. Kids are a lot of responsibility and I wouldn't want to raise anyone else's kid(s) but my own. I know that's prolly selfish but to much drama comes with trying to raise other folks kids to me. Plus people get real janky if you try to tell them what to do with their kids, make a suggestion, or even try to just help. So I'd rather stay out of that mess. And it ain't worth the headache. I'd rather have my own never been married before me husband and my own kid(s) with my husband. No outside kids. I know how I am and no sense in frontin'.

ETA: I just read your post in the Non-Hair section and I understand what you are saying but I really think your experience is the exceptional. Not a lot of blended families get along as well as yours. I have a friend that comes from a blended family and I was STUNNED to learn how well they all get along because in every other blended situation I've seen there is ALWAYS usually some drama involved. And it's usually high drama especially if some kids are in the picture. So I think people are speaking from what is the normal common experience in those situations and not neccessarily an ideal or fairly decent situation like your experience happened to be.
Originally Posted by *Marah*
But see, you married young, right? I'm 48 years old. If I ever get married, chances are I will have to deal with an ex-wife and children. Would that be my preference? No, because I don't have an ex-husband/ children. However, the good thing is the children would probably be grown. I wouldn't mind adult children, or small children. Teenagers (especially girls..sorry)? Hell no. They almost always have issues with you, cuz you "stole" their daddy, and daddy feels guilty and often lets them clown unrestrained. Nope, cuz I'd slap somebody. Won't even lie. I was raised way different than most young people. It takes a village to raise a child, but the village ain't acceptin' all, cuz they'll burn the village down.

Children of broken relationships are often so screwed up, it's a big undertaking to chose to be bothered. Is that selfish? Eh...depends. I think it's more about counting the costs, before taking on the expense.

A lot of children of broken marriages/relationships are bitter (understandable), and angry and they act out. That anger is never acknowledged/handled. Everybody doesn't want that added drama. Nothing against loving kids, but it takes a lot and often the love you offer isn't received. Sometimes the divorced parents haven't set boundaries, which causes problems with the new spouse, and the kids use that to create a rift between their biological parent and the new spouse. Oooh wee! It can be ugly....so very ugly. Naw, I don't want that. Sorry. ALL of the young men in my family (who are in college, or on a fast career track) ain't checkin' for NO women with kids.

My mother remarried, after my father died. I was twelve. I didn't act a fool because of it, and my mother wouldn't have stood for it anyway. I was happy my mother found a great man (my biological dad was a drunk abuser), who turned out to be an excellent provider and role model for how men are supposed to be. It's because of him that my standards are too high for most men to meet. That's fine, because most of the men most of the women I know claim, I wouldn't have. I know this, and that's just the way it is. I don't feel I've suffered for it. I feel I've been spared. There are trade offs, and every woman has to decide what's important to her.

People need to manage their reproductivity, think long and hard about marriage, and try to save their marriages, if they can be saved...especially when children are involved. I know it's very old-fashioned to expect parents to sacrifice their own gratification for the benefit of the children they chose to bring into the world (who didn't ask to come here), but I think that's the cost of being a parent. We're not bringing chickens into world. It's a known fact that divorce devastates children. It breaks their hearts, and sometimes it's hard to piece those hearts back together.

So, I totally understand and respect your position. But I think for the vast majority of women who don't marry in their twenties or even early thirties, it's often not an option to marry a man (black man anyway...sorry, but it's the truth) who comes with no kids/no exes/baby mamas.
Originally Posted by Ninjarette
I wanted to like what NEA said, but my computer acted up for some reason.

I'm in the same position as NEA, but I'm 6 years younger. The likelihood that I'll have a long-term relationship or even marry a man without offspring from a previous relationship gets slimmer the older I get. Being with a man with kids isn't a preference of mine either, but the dating pool shrinks as you age as many other people settle down. It's unrealistic to expect that many 40 or 50 year men won't have kids. Hell, a number of men in their 30's have children too. I'm not willing to date men younger than that. The thing is that women in our circumstances have to check their expectations that their man's children will always accept them and everything will be kumbaya. Because that often isn't the case. You will be regarded as an intruder to them and they will resent you for taking the place of their mother in their father's life. Even grown children can feel this way. And it won't matter how bad their parents marriage was, most children feel anxious and distrustful when their family unit is torn asunder. It's the kind of drama I can do without, but then, it's likely I'll have to deal with it sometime if I want a relationship with someone bad enough who I deem worthy of me.
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