We have way too much focus on Blondie and his dead, nasty crush in the "previously on" segment, but on the plus side, there's also some Robin Wood in there. WTF WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, SHOW. Blondie's in a chair by a fire all Masterpiece Theater-like and he's talking to the camera WHY ARE WE PAYING SO MUCH ATTENTION TO THIS FOOL I DO NOT LIKE IT. Like, seriously, good for the actor, but I so completely do not want more of this character. Jump in the damn fire, Blondie, and quit smarming at me. Oh. My. God. We're still listening to his awkward narration while we cut to Buffy? This had better not be the framing device for the whole episode or it's gonna take me like six hours to recap, judging by how many times I just had to pause to let the cringing dissipate. Oh, thank the lord, he's just hiding in the bathroom vlogging about Buffy. Anya has busted in on the awkward. We're saved! From his narration, anyway. He's still hanging around filming Buffy as she slays, despite her protests, for a documentary or something. Whyyyy are you showing us so much footage of the twitchy tool? Was he popular with everyone but me or are you just sadistic? He's the focus. I just...I can't even comment on the words he's saying right now. Make it stop. Aww, Xander's happy face at being called "the heart of the Slayer machine"! Not worth it. Why is Blondie picturing everybody being sexual with foods and magic hair wind? That's not so much painful as it is just silly, though, and everyone's pretty annoyed with him, so that's progress, I suppose.
THE PAIN IS BACK. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT MY "HUMBLE HOST" TYVM. Shut up about your freaking "dark past" and what is even supposed to be your "burden," twitchy? Stop talkiiiiinnnnnngggg. Ugh ugh UGH I did not order this onslaught of Blondie scenes! His fantasies of being a badass are bad enough when they don't rewrite awesome Dark Willow moments, but this is just wrong
. He is calling Willow "Little One." He is using a patronizing nickname to recount his experience with the biggest baddest witch he's ever gonna meet. If we need him alive for some reason, can he at least have his vocal cords damaged beyond repair? Hooraaaayyyyyy!!! Buffy's going to the school, where Blondie is not! I love the school. I love the students fighting in the hall. I love the vanishing student who IS CECE FROM ABG EEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! Okay, not gonna squee forever. (HI CECE!!!) I like that Buffy caught her in the act of disappearing and knew what was going on and what to do, and I hope that Buffy noticing her in that moment before the crying chick ran out to say that the bathroom mirror literally called her fat was enough to keep her from slipping away again. The fact that she remained visible walking away is a good sign. I didn't quite get the thing with asking if anyone could give the wound-up kid a foot rub. What was that referencing?
Oh, okay, so - so it just meant he needed to calm down before...he...he literally just exploded. Chunks of flesh hit the window. How horrible! Can you imagine being that kid's parents? What can anyone even say to them? And Buffy implied that this has happened before - that it may even be a common Hellmouth High occurrence. Wow.
I do like that Blondie's obvious ooh-is-he-pointing-out-the-lesbian-makeouts misdirect complimented Xander's handiwork on the windows. They need replacing so much, he must be awesome at it by now. He'll also get like a quarter of a point if his nosiness and pushing actually gets Xander and Anya to talk about his fears. Ha, I like how Buffy's example of a dream ("being naked on a bus to somewhere") to counter what her visions are like causes Robin to ask where the bus is going before remembering he should ask about the army of megavamps. Oh my god what happened to the cuteness his eyes got cataracts and he called Buffy a filthy whore for screwing Spike! D: I really hope this kind of stuff hasn't been hanging out in his subconscious because I really like him. What has that pig been eating to remain alive down there for so long? Fridge logic turns to fridge horror remembering that students are always dropping dead, sometimes in the basement. I'd much rather be in Robin's head right now: "God, I hope that isn't a student." Spike, you vamp-ham! You're doing multiple takes of telling Blondie to sod off! Aw, yay, Xander and Anya are having a heart-to-heart. Random students, stop chanting over that seal this instant. You are making it shiny and that is a bad thing! Zima, did you really want product placement so badly that you'd take it through Blondie? You must've been desperate. Buffy, don't just say you might smash the camera over his head whether or not he talks, do it! You're such a violence tease.
Trio in togas. Blondie singing. Awkward frolicking. IT. HAPPENED. TWICE
. This show's trying to kill me.
Meh, I don't want Blondie to talk to the seal, I want him to get stabbed. It seems right in more than just the kill/maim-Blondie way. Ut-oh, the high school done started rioting. Of course Blondie ships RobinxSpike. I know that the show made it seem like the desire to kill someone was a sexual thing last episode, but we all just need to ignore that icky subtext until it goes away. Good Take That to slash fic writers, I guess? Ha! Buffy (after Blondie protests being called a murderer): "You stabbed Jonathan to death! What were you trying to do, scratch his back from the front?" Ugh, stop with the rewrites, Blondie. Jonathan was totally Jesus that episode and you know it. Hm, I kinda like that Anya and Xander hooking up didn't mean they were automatically back together - and both agree it felt like a "one more time" thing and not like jumping back in bed did something that talking couldn't. If Xander's never going to admit what he was afraid of, they're never going to work again anyway. Oh lord, Spike, you just tossed a wooden weapon to a dude whose mom you killed. Curiously, though, it took the thing breaking and giving him a clearly recognizable stake for him to actually try anything. You're so lucky that student dive bombed him. OMG Blondie, do you have no redeeming qualities? You don't pick up the camera while Buffy's fighting off a group of blinded students - at least pretend to be helpful!
EEEEEE!!! Buffy was lying to Blondie about just talking to the seal! There will be Blondie blood!
Wait, this is taking too long. Buffy, just do it! Stop conversing and get with the stabbing! Oh no. No, no. Don't you get my hopes up just for it to be his tears or his admission of guilt or something that gets rid of the threat. At least give him a cut, Buffy, come on! Ugh, I was right. We have extreme tear closeup. Damn it. At least Buffy caused him extreme emotional duress. That's something, anyway. The ending bit where Blondie realizes he's been utterly ridiculous and doesn't even bother to finish his sentence before turning the camera off is well done, too. But still, you got my hopes up, so you suck.
Snape doesn't even want to LOOK at you right now.