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Old 05-02-2012, 03:31 PM   #1136
diaspora
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000 View Post
OK, I've hung out w/ this guy I met online 4 times now (over the course of 12 days).

I'm kinda starting to like him!

He's acting like he likes me, too! (But who knows...could be just running game on me.)

Neither one of us has brought up anything about removing our profiles from the site or wanting to be exclusive, etc. And I totally would not expect to have, as it's been less than two weeks.

Yet, I find myself not even really wanting to log on to check my mail, etc., bc I don't want him to see I'm still "active." And I purposely don't look at his profile bc I don't want to see that he is still active.

Things seem to be going well btwn us and I just think if either one of us saw that the other was still actively looking, it would kind of taint things? Anyone understand what I mean? Like he might assume I'm really not into him and start to pull back (same with me).

Rationallly, I totally understand and support the idea of both of us continuing to keep our options open and meet other people (I'm attending a speed dating event tonight that I scheduled a couple of months ago). I mean, we barely know each other! And the purpose of joining the site was to meet lots of new people, and narrow it down from the largest posible pool.

But on the totally irrational, human side, it just seems icky and unnatural to be kissing someone, saying good night to someone, thinking about someone...and then turning around and flirting w/ other people.

I'm going fwd w/ my speed dating plans but I am feeling conflicted over it and I know I would be hurt if, for instance, I saw my guy at the same event.

Several years ago, I'd been happily dating someone I'd met online for about 5 weeks when I reluctantly (at the urging of my friends) accepted a date w/ a diffrent guy. And by some weird conincidence I almost wound up at the same place on the same night w/ both guys. If I had, the guy I had been happily dating for 5 weeks would have surely ended it w/ me.

...I just think "dating around" for just the sake of dating around, can have dangerous consequences.

But when's the right time to deactivate the membership? And does it need to be done bilaterally?
I worry about these things too, sigh. I wish I had a good, one-size-fits all answer, but I guess I do have a pattern. It's more about how I feel about the person than any set amount of time or dates.

I will leave my profile up until I know I really like someone and I feel uninterested in meeting someone else, or if we've talked about commitment, whatever comes first. I don't think there's any set number of dates or weeks that makes it the right time, it's just how I feel about the person and our relationship. However, even leaving my profile up, I will stop paying attention to my messages after 3 or 4 dates, if I felt a really great connection. I wish this happened more often, lol.

With my last bf, after about 6 weeks of seeing each several times a week, I suggested we hide our profiles and we did. It was only a few weeks before I felt uninterested in checking my messages, and I was happily too busy seeing him to have time to put into meeting other guys anyway, but I waited to tell him. You know how you can think someone's great, then after a period of time, you start seeing more clearly and/or their true colors are revealed?

With the guy I was dating most recently, after about 4 dates I was interested enough to just focus on him, but I had some doubts (naturally, after 4 dates). So I was still checking messages now and then, a bit nervous that we'd "see" each other online, but we didn't in the 6 weeks that it lasted. I left my profile up the whole time as my doubts about him increased.

Oh, and don't delete your profile, hide it! Otherwise you have to start from scratch if this guy doesn't end up being for you.

Bottom line I think is doing what you feel comfortable with, but it doesn't mean you have to ask him to do the same thing at the same time.

ETA: Oh, and I would have felt anxious and a little hurt if I'd seen the ex online once we'd had a few dates, or even the guy I didn't end up being into, even though I wouldn't have been mad. I'd imagine they would feel the same way. But if this does happen, besides some uncomfortable feelings/awkwardness, it could lead to having a conversation about dating each other, which would probably be a good thing.
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Last edited by diaspora; 05-02-2012 at 03:37 PM. Reason: added something
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