I'm back to that point again, where I want to take all of this natural hair and process it back to something that I can cope with.

I just spent two hours in the shower detangling, working through the shedding, after spending a week with my hair in a hat because of how sad it looked. It looked sad because I hadn't washed it in a while, and I hadn't washed it because of the lack of TIME I've had. It's the last thing I think about, even though it's all I think about. That should make sense.

My hair isn't getting any easier, or better, or more exciting. I don't run outside with my hair wild and free and think "Hey! I'm a proud natural woman!" I tie my hair down, cover it up, and hope to Jesus that I don't look hideous.

I just don't get what I'm missing. What is it that I'm supposed to be proud about, exactly?

I don't have kids, I don't have a huge household to run, and I actually have all the time in the world right now, but I hate taking so much time to wash my hair, detangle, section, sleep, get it into a tied down style that will last me as many weeks as I can handle, before doing it again and working through the shedding. I'm not rocking curly fros or twist outs, or even twists anymore.

And it's like the shortcuts I take end up taking just as long as if I were to actually look presentable. How about I cowash and hope it doesn't get too matted? Maybe I'll just knot these sections so tight that they're bound to be some form of flatter next week when they're finally dry! Let's try 6 big flat twists instead of 10, and just go a bit tighter to save time (and actually taking longer).

I just don't have the juice to find pride in my hair, mainly because I'm not seeing the natural hair process (or the natural hair activists) the same anymore.

Just to elaborate, I don't do a little happy dance because I'm natural, or because my hair is this long. I actually hate myself a bit, all over again, just because it's so long. Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I natural? What joy am I finding in carrying all this hair around when I can't even show it off easily, or tie it up easily, or TAKE A SHOWER easily? No number of curlformers or amount of leave-in is going to excuse the hours spent detangling just to get out of the shower without it matting, only for it to mat anyways upon taking a section down.

I look on texlax videos and people go crazy, INSANE at naturals deciding to texturize, or relaxed girls upkeeping their hair. It's like, if you're not natural, get ready for onslaught. People already hate what you're doing to yourself, the natural hair movement, and black culture as a whole. I'm not even lying, it's like... It's like the breastfeeding activists (lactivists) except for hair.

And just looking at each comment is a slap in the face, FAILURE. You didn't do it. You couldn't survive being natural. You can't handle it. You aren't black enough or proud enough or comfortable enough in being yourself. You're just lazy.

I was thinking, well, maybe if I get a good enough paying job that I can just have a stylist do my hair each time I need something done, but that would make me feel worse. Why would I spend that much money on a regular basis to spend 3 hours in a chair? Why would I change my life to remain natural. WHY AM I DOING THIS?

I wish, for a day, that I had my relaxed hair back. Just to feel how it was in the shower, because I can't remember. Just to treat it like I know I'm supposed to now, and co-wash and use butters and keep away from heat...

I know that if I were to use a process I'd probably hate myself more for failing. At what, I don't know.

I'm sitting here, after this shower, with wet, soft, long, and healthy hair, and I CAN'T gather anything but contempt for it. I don't get it. I'm hormonal, I'm emotional--I've always been emotional about my hair, but I just feel like a fool.

I was thinking of straightening my hair this week, but the last time I did it (for a wedding in June) I turned OCD about it. The second I put the iron down (after nearly 5 hours) I realized that I had about a week before it stopped feeling fresh, 2 weeks before it started getting greasy, 3 weeks before my scalp got itchy, and a month before I put my hat on and tried to enjoy the simplicity of no fuss hair for a few extra days. It's been like that every time, a "countdown to wet."

I just don't know what I'm feeling now. It's late, and I have to find a way to get some sleep with these wet pinned up sections. Maybe I can figure it out tomorrow, or fit a hat on long enough to go to the store and buy something to make me feel better about myself, and what I'm doing with all this hair.
~My salvation lies in your love... Alexi Murdoch~