Fishing for Hair Compliments
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Join Date: Apr 2010
I know I'm responding to this a bit late, but bear with me.
Her actions sound weird but maybe it has very little (if anything) to do with you. Maybe she does this in front of other people as well. Or she could simply be vain about her hair and she likes to play with it. Unless she actually says something rude/offensive to you, I wouldn't worry about it.
It sounds fairly innocent to me. She might be the type to play with her hair a lot. Or like others have said, she might be bisexual and she could be flirting with you in what she hopes is a subtle way.
You said: "Sometimes I wonder if there is a code between black females that I just don't understand". I will be blunt...a lot of this stems from catty, competitive behavior between women in general. But with Black women there is the added dimension of skin color and hair length/texture. I believe that many of us still judge one another based on these things, whether we admit it or not, because of social conditioning. As a very light-skinned woman with 3c hair down to the middle of my back, I have experienced stares and jealousy, especially when I wear my hair down and it looks nice.
I hope that doesn't sound conceited or anything, but it's true. I had a Black psychology professor in college who was very insecure about students in class with long hair. She seemed to be annoyed by girls twirling their hair or flipping it. She had very short, brittle hair in a brassy blonde color. This woman actually had a rule that female students with hair below shoulder length needed to wear it up in a bun or braids in her class at all times. I've also heard similar comments from other Black women and most of the ones who complained had fairly short hair (not saying this is you, Wumi...it's just something I've noticed).
There is even a debate online whether Black women perceive hair-flipping to be a sign of disrespect!
Some of the comments were quite interesting. I wish I could link to it, but I can't.
I think that some of the women with long hair are very proud of it and they like to show it off, especially if they feel that it makes them prettier than women who don't have long or luxurious hair. They feel better about themselves because they fit into a certain beauty standard. So in that case, I would say yes, they are trying to be annoying.
But in other instances, I think some people just play with their hair out of habit. I do it sometimes and it's not to make others feel bad...but there have been times when I will catch another woman staring at me or giving me the evil eye while I'm combing/playing with my hair. And sadly, most of the time it is another Black woman giving these hateful looks but they will rarely compliment or say anything at all. I love to compliment others. I don't throw shade at people based on what they look like, but it happens to me often.
I'm not the type to fish for compliments on my hair or anything else. If somebody decides to pay me a sincere compliment, cool. If not, that's fine too. I guess my point is that while her actions might be annoying (sounds that way) you really don't know why she is tossing her hair or playing in it. Why not have a friendly conversation with her? She might be nicer than she seems to be. Some people have thought I was stuck-up or mean but when they decided to give me a chance, they were pleasantly surprised.
It sounds like she is trying to get your attention somehow, but I wouldn't assume that she is trying to make you feel bad about your own hair. Just continue to be confident in your own beauty...it doesn't matter what she does.
I hope I didn't offend, but that's just my perspective. Please forgive me if what I said made no sense.