Thank you so much for the hugs and kind words, curlies. Once again, I am so glad I have this thread to go vent to about things.
Rou and CP, I don't feel very brave or strong, but reading those words is changing that a bit - kinda makes me feel like I have this whole other barrel of strength in reserve that I had overlooked before. Thank you.
Scrills, I couldn't bear to like a post that includes mention of your mother passing on your watch, but having that reassurance of the fact that this kind of ordeal is an unpleasant part of life that some families have to go through really helps. BTW, how have you been doing lately? I hope everything's calmed down with that ridiculous drama so you can just deal with life going on.
Fifi, your post also went straight to my heart. You are absolutely right, his altered mental state doesn't have to mean that my chance to have special moments with him is gone. At one point this morning, he was in this medium-alert state where his eyes were open and he was muttering things, and I went over and sat with him and I saw recognition in his eyes. After interpreting some garbled sounds with my grandma's help, I told him that I hadn't hugged him yet today. He said he didn't understand me - he wasn't processing things - and I did repeat it, but my Grandma had to explain it again to him when I was already mid-hug, lol. I don't think any other actual words were said. I just sat and stroked his head while he fell asleep. It wasn't some pretty, perfectly timed Hallmark moment, but he was present enough to know that I was there. I had gotten confirmation from my grandma that he wasn't the first time, because apparently he'd been asking where I was. I am so glad that now I know he knows I came to see him. I would definitely have been haunted by the thought of him leaving without knowing I'd come to see him off.
I think any future moments I have with him will be with him unconscious - I think even the awful retching he started doing earlier tonight might have been done while not fully conscious. If I get to sit and talk to him like my mom did a bit ago, I'll speak with the knowledge that my words may really be getting through. All that reading I did on vegetative states awhile back in addition to some recent reading about disordered dream states has taught me that the line between conscious and unconscious is far more blurry than you'd think. If I don't get to sit and talk to him, I'll be okay. He knows I was there. That's what matters most to me.
Big ((((HUGS)))) to everyone else going through a hard time. It may be a blanket message, but I mean it personally, dangit.
ETA: While I was typing that, my uncle leaned over and asked me what I was lookin' at, and I clicked over to another tab and said, "Internet." I...I'm Timmy Turner now? But - but my braaaaiiiinnnsss!! I re-covered by saying I was sending an email to a friend. I said about the same thing to my mom soon after, but it was multiple emails to multiple friends. Ssshhh, nobody tell! I can't handle composing emails right now and I also can't handle anyone seeing what I'm typing, but I can clearly handle posting in the venty thread.
...It's a siggie
Last edited by wild_sasparilla; 01-17-2013 at 10:05 PM.