My 2 cents:
- Get independent assessment not through the school. That may include basic checkup, Ear Nose Throat, neurologist, psychiatrist etc.
- Teacher needs to be specific about what behaviors she wants addressed and a timeline for addressing them.
- Teacher should collaborate with you/DH about behavior modification suggestions in conjunction with/before going down the medical evaluation route. Get plan in writing.
- Be clear about what the school expects your child to do in order to advance to the next grade and focus on those skills.
I'm with DH. I'd be pissed too. I've been battling this sort of behavior from educators with my oldest son since he was in pre-K. It kind of reminds me of what I hear women experience when they have a hospital birth. They are more interested in showing you how to "behave" and work the way they want you to work instead of doing what's best for your individual needs.
You have my sympathy.