Honestly, I think it is the assumption of most men that any never-married, childless woman wants to be married. I don't think it is something that needs to be discussed at length. But I think in an online dating/speed dating/personals dating/matchmaking situation, it makes perfect sense to briefly ask the guy, before you meet or on the first date in the getting-to-know-you phase, what he's looking for out of this.

But don't expect these gys to always be honest or even know, themselves. And just bc they say they are open to marriage, that isn't an assurance they are open to it with you.

Just take any "yes" response with a grain of salt. And believe a "no" response! LOL

Personally, I would not ask a man after a month "where is this relationship heading?"

I woud hate to be asked that!

How would he know after a month??

And you can guage it pretty well by his behavior.
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
That's just it. I am bad at reading people. I don't know what his behavior is telling me.

Some background: I have been out with him 4 times now in the last couple of weeks (and continuing to date other people). On his OKC profile he only checked "new friends" as what he was looking for. I was on the fence about whether I should even reply to his message, but I'm glad I did, because we get along well.

I've been nervous about bringing up relationship stuff, for some reason. But during the last couple of dates he tried to invite me over or invite himself over to my place so I finally asked point blank what he was looking for, because I'm not looking for something casual. He said he wasn't either. He said he was actually nervous because he thought this could turn into something. I'm so gun shy after a year of dating yuckiness that I was thinking, That sounds like a line. I can't tell whether I should believe him. I think it's sad at my age not to be able to tell. But it's also sad to think that a man my age would lie about that. I used to think it was frat-boy kind of behavior, but based on my experiences in the last year, I now know that 30- and 40-somethings are no better.

So when you (spiderlashes) say "believe a 'no' response," I'm like, is checking off "new friends" a sort of preemptive "no" response? Does that trump what he said in person about looking for something serious?
Originally Posted by ursula

I'm actually a little shaken too bc for the FIRST time in my life, a guy I was happily dating, pulled a disappearing act on me. (Aformentioned awesome guy above who got promoted and I took out to dinner.) So I am now questioning my guy intuition which is usually good.

But my track record is still really good so.......I will offer my two cents.

The fact he checked the option of just wanting to meet friends doesn't exactly instill a lot of confidence here. But PAY ATTN TO WHAT HE DOES, not what he says.

And it takes time to observe a person's behavior and figure out what is BS meant to make you think he's a good guy versus what he truly is like.

If you know you get attached quickly after sex, don't sleep with him or whatever it is that gets you prematurely attached, don't do it.

Did you ask him why he said he just wants to meet friends? What did he say?

I met a guy online who said he's just looking for "pen pals" (similar), and when I asked, he said it was to avoid being targetted by those beautiful Ghanian "women" looking for money. OK, fair enough. But 11 months of dating later, I realized, he would have been better off with a pen pal!

With your guy, i would simply explain, very clearly but pleasantly and unemotionally, that his listed dating goal (ie, to make friends) concerns you bc you are looking for someone who also has a goal of committing to an exclusive relationship after a couple of months of dating. And if he doesn't have that same goal, you would still LOVE to kick it w/ him as friends, no harm no foul, but he needs to let you know so the two of you aren't butting heads."

If he assures you he has the same goal, you should just hang back and let him show you (and continue meeting other guys until he tells you he is ready to commit).
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG


Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 03-06-2013 at 01:20 PM.