Thanks guys! I'm really glad I'm not alone. I clarified this morning and the gunk is gone. My hair feels like total and complete straw, but at least my products work again and my hair looks back to almost nice. I'm not even going to look at a sulfate for months.
I, Jessica M, solemly swear to never use: Gelatin, ACV, or any product or treatment loved by porous curlies. I don't care how amazing or shiny someone's hair looks, it isn't for you.