No matter what style you wear, if your hair is not hydrated, actually moisturized, you hair will be difficult for you.
The Shea Moisture products are not doing you any favors. You need a conditioner that will actually bring water into your hair and keep it there. The occlusive ingredients in those products you listed will not work until you get and keep moisture in. And then your shampoo is really harsh so it's a vicious cycle. Dry brittle hair.
I would suggest you use the Tres Natural conditioner as your leave in even though I don't find it that moisturizing, but it's what you have, so use it. Every day. If you have shea products on your hair, then shampoo it but then put the TN conditioner on and leave it in. But don't shampoo again for as long as you can stand it (at least one week). The next day rinse your hair and apply more conditioner. And the next day or so, repeat. Condition, condition, condition. You need to get your hydration levels up. It will take time but just stay consistent and it will happen. If you want you can use a small amount of the shea butter products on top of the conditioner but use it sparingly because you don't want build up.
Ultimately when your hair is wet it should be soft and flexible and hydrated. Once your levels are up it will feel closer to that when dry also.
4a/3c, fine strands, low porosity, medium density
Last relaxer: Jan 2010 - BC'd: 2/27/11