Hey Samantha. You and I have done a lot of "talking" at this site, both in threads and behind the scenes. My sense is that you are a very strong, talented person with a lot of ambition and passion.

Unfortunately I think a Hell of a lot of us have been with people who just don't edify or inspire us. You aren't alone. Here is the main message I "heard" in what you just wrote:

"I know I need to end this relationship, but I'm scared."

But just for clarity that it's what you really want, I have a question for you: Pretend you're older and you have a daughter who is looking to you for advice. She tells you she's really ambitious and knows that she's missing out on learning about other people because of a r-ship she's in. She tells you she wants to date others instead of living a coupled life of quiet desperation. She's sick of the fights and trying hard to change the guy. She tells you she's basically bored and no longer in love him, although she loves him. Your daughter is upset that he lacks her ambition and that he is content to live his life on the couch; that he has a tenuous r-ship with the truth. Mostly, your daughter tells you she wants to strike out and learn about other people, including dating others ... Would you tell your daughter that she should continue her life with that man? What would you tell her?

If you're worried that you'll be plagued by guilt or will somehow be the villain for leaving him, let me assure you: guilt is something any normal person would feel for ending a long r-ship. That's normal. And you'll work through it, if that's your choice.

As far as you being a villain, think of the r-ship as a business deal: You put 75% of your effort into it while he contributed 25%. No one is a villain, but it's not a good investment for you. You're cheating both of you if you stay in an unhappy partnership. No one (including this guy) deserves to be with someone who is ambivalent about him and wants him to change. That's not fair to either of you. If you need to feel guilt, feel guilt about staying for the wrong reasons. Will he be hurt? We both know the answer to that. But imagine how much more hurt he will be in another year, when you all but hate him and you (still) end up leaving him.

If it helps, and your school has cheap counseling, I'd sign up for a few sessions of that so you have someone there as you do this. Or maybe you just need to get it over with now, by yourself. I have faith that you'll figure this thing out.
Originally Posted by Korkscrew
I really appreciate your perspective. Putting it in another's person's POV was very interesting and is helping me give this whole rel'ship more thorough thoughts. Thank you for being so encouraging. I respect your opinion a lot!

Ok, yesterday I spoke with my bf. I let out all I felt. It felt good. I didn't break up with him, but I did tell him how I have been feeling lately. He said he wants to try harder with making 'date nights.' He claims this will give more value to the rel'ship and provide that first date feeling. Now, I agree on some aspects of that, yet I still am curious about if I am just settling still. We spoke about being just friends, but we know it wouldn't be ideal for we will pursue other rel'ships and I don't want to know if he has someone. Yes, it's jealousy. But, I don't want him unhappy with me either. See I am still confused and can't even get my words right.

Using your example, I would tell my daughter to leave. I would tell her to experience this world and take in the other dynamics. I wouldn't want her to live in this small bubble she is possibly stuck in. However, my issue is I still love my boyfriend. I look at him and I feel that love. But, other than the love, I feel stuck at the same time. Why can't my feelings be more direct?

Also, here is another example of how sometimes I feel stuck and obligated in my r-ship. Today I have class until 12. I am a commuter and I work and intern so gas is a very high priority (as it is for anyone). My bf doesn't have much gas and just got laid off. He needs me to drive a few towns away with him to apply for this job that is 95% guaranteed. This is what I mean. Call me lazy, but I have to use my gas and go all across town so he can apply for a job. I know he won't compensate for my gas when he gets his last pay check on thursday. I know I should have more empathy, compassion, and sympathy, but I have my own things to deal with and I don't have time driving all around so he can apply for jobs. BUT, I am going to do it anyway. So this is a minute example of the frustrations I deal with. I am sooo sorry this is jumbled, but my thought process is all over the place. I am trying to tie in what you said to what I am currently feeling. I am still lost and don't know if breaking up with my bf is the full correct decision.

Also, (haha sorry again), his family pisses me off A LOT. Now I know I don't date his fam, but fam is a HUGE factor in r-ships. Whenever I go over my bf's house (which is almost everyday), no one in his family asks how I am. They all go on and on and on and on about themselves. They don't understand why I haven't finished school yet, even though I have been doing it since I got out of H.S. And they don't understand the rigorous program/stress I handle with my education. Simply put, they never ask me any questions so I can explain my plans in life. It's like they don't really care about my choices. I know I am not blood, but I am dating their blood, so don't they want to know about me too? I mean, damn, we have been dating for almost 4 years. They make me feel like I am nothing- just a lazy bum. I told my bf, but he says to ignore them. WTF? Really?

So this turned out to be a sort of venting sesh as well. haha But this is what I am currently feeling. Overall, thank you Korkscrew and I am going to evaluate more deeply what you said and continue figuring out my decisions.
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