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Astonied 08-05-2012 03:01 AM

No support on being natural
 
I have no support on being natural. My hair was relaxed and damaged so I told my mom I was going to cut my hair off and go natural leaving me with 1 1/2 inch of hair. She looked at me with horror and said, "You're going to keep it straightened right?" After doing the big chop I showed my dad and he frowned and said he didn't like it then kept nagging me everyday to grease it and comb and brush it everyday. My boyfriend said my hair is the ugliest hair he has ever seen. I went to the hair store with my friend to buy something. She advised me to buy extensions but I told her I didn't want any because I don't like wearing fake hair and I lost a lot of hair the last time I wore braid extensions. So she showed me extensions anyways but when she got to the kinky hair she said, "Oh there's the nappy hair." She said nappy in such a disgusted way. Everytime I go to someone's house they tell me my hair is nappy, I need to comb it, and I need to go to a stylist. Then they say why did you cut off that long pretty hair then they touch my hair like its disgusting and say now your hair is just nappy.

Since the first day I did the big chop I've been feeling down and stressed because of all this negativety towards my hair. I'm a teenager by the way so when I go to high school and almost everyday someone advices I grease my hair or insults it. All of this has made me just buy wigs to cover my hair so nobody can say anything about it and I don't even like wearing fake hair. All of the wigs available are straight or wavy.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get through this?

coilynapp 08-05-2012 03:20 AM

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, this comes with the territory of going natural in a world full of people who do not appreciate their own natural beauty. You are brave for going it alone so to speak.

You really need to stand up for yourself. TELL THEM OFF. Even if they are your family and friends. You made a decision and the only one who should care about your hair is YOU.

Do you feel great about the condition of your hair? Is it well moisturized and looking its best to your liking? Are you confident in wearing it short and natural? If you are, then you really NEED to tell all those people to have a seat. I know it's not easy (I didn't have to do it myself, so I understand the easier said than done bit). If it's not in the best condition, work on that, but still tell them to STFUAHAS!!!!

Try to tune them out. There's really no how to on this. It's gonna be rough, but you'll make it. It's terrible what black folks do to other black folks--I mean you just saw what happened with Gabby Douglas and she's relaxed!

Be you, do you, love yourself.

Family (SOs and friends as well) can be theeee worst! Just remember, all the hate they are spewing at you tells you MORE about THEM than it does about YOU. It's their problem not yours (it doesn't seem like it because you are the one suffering, but it is). It will pass.

NC is a good place. Us type 4s stick together, so you will find acceptance here, even when you don't out there. I know it hurts, but it will pass.

(((hugs)))

mycurlytresses 08-05-2012 06:57 AM

That's so cruel. So sorry you're going through this. I am 40 and just went natural. My daughter has curly hair and hates it. I did the big chop so we'd be natural together. Before I did the chop I asked my mom about my real Haiti texture and she said it was kinky (creating fear in me) and my aunt begged me to go back to a relaxer if I ended up looking like the woman on Good Times. I told her no! God was gracious enough to give me my hair and I wasn't going to be ashamed. Also my NEED for my daughter to love and accept what God blessed her with hair-wise (she is 11) was greater than my fear. I am loving no more relaxer. Something I found that helped is embracing The Curly Girl Method. If you haven't heard of it go to YouTube. It has worked wonders for so many people no matter the texture. I am praying you find someone near for support. If not come back here.....we have your back. Stay strong and know God made you the way you are. You are beautiful no matter what anyone else says.

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mycurlytresses 08-05-2012 06:58 AM

*hair texture (not Haiti). Gotta lo e the smartphone. ;-)

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adthomas 08-05-2012 08:51 AM

We have all been there. Especially us type 4s. Believe me. The same people who talked sh#t about me when I bc'ed are the same people now coming to me for hair advice because my hair is healthy and beautiful and theirs is broken, falling out and a HAM. Even the cousin everyone said growing up had the "good" hair is asking advice. If you think about it, it is never easy to be the first of the people around you to do anything. But since I went natural 4 years ago I can think of 7 relatives who have bc'ed or are transitioning. Strangers on the street will eventually stop you to ask about how you care for your hair so much you will get sick of it. And tell those people to keep their hands out your hair. I think for a black woman to go natural takes a lot of self confidence and backbone. But we know it hurts to have people you love treat you that way. In their warped way they probably think they are helping you but realize they are stuck in "good hair bad hair" mentality. When we transition our hair we have to transition our minds. You don't know us in real life but we are here to support one another on this journey. Start doing your research and learing your hair properties and hair likes/dislikes and leave the haters to their own ignorance.
PS. In my experience some people take my being natural as a judgement on them being relaxed. even if I havent said anything they have asked me if I see them as trying to be white because they use chemicals. And people will start giving me excuses for why they cant' go natural when I didnt even ask and don't really care.

Lovemenappy 08-05-2012 12:40 PM

That's a certain mentality of people for you. I won't go off into saying what that mentality is, but there's something to be said about a group of people who en masse have a hatred for their natural hair....skin...or facial features to the extent where that group of people ENCOURAGES chemically changing it.....and its the norm. Going natural should not be considered an anomally. Going natural isn't akin to getting ass injections or a boob job....its a LACK of using a chemical.

Online support isn't enough a lot of times. You have to look at these people everyday....you can't see us. See if there are other naturals in your school and look for natural hair groups...events...natural hair salons..etc in your area. Even a place where naturals buy hair products can be a good place to meet people on the same journey as you. Your a teenager and worst off in high school....these are the years that will be the most vivid to you, and I would hate for it to be an unpleasant one bc of hair. A lot of people wear half wigs when they first go natural to keep their naturalse hair healthy...and they're are many natural appearing ones (go on youtube for reviews) that people blend with their 4a/b hair. Hair sisters has a lot of options available. Don't think of it as you wearing fake hair, think of the wig as protective styling. The less you fool with your hair the better and it will help you retain all your length.

Do NOT get wrapped up in *I can't use xyz* *don't use xyz* advice. Ever. You'll see a lot of it....but all it will have you doing is spending a fortune on hair products just to avoid one ingredient that falls less than 1% on an ingredient list. I would advise you moisturize with a mix of aloe juice and coconut oil...or aloe jel (fruit of the earth maybe) and shea butter as a start. Keep it simple. The aloe will act as a moisturizer and the oil will seal that moisture. Wash with a shampoo that isn't drying to YOU. If you can't find one...use half shampoo and half conditioner mixed together to cleanse your hair.

If it makes you feel better I had people point out my hair was nappy too for a long time....it grew to waist length within three years of me being natural and now tail bone length. Those same people constantly ask for advise and are always admiring.

Also remember ...hatred is a cousin to fear....what I found with people black women in particular is a lot of times the same ones who go out of the way to say they hate your hair or insult you...are doing so because they're to scared and cowardice to go natural themselves. Two months from now TOPS these same people will be hittin you with that "how did you get your hair to curl like that? Oh...I could never go natural..my man wouldn't like it/I'm afraid of what it'll look like/ my head ain't shaped for that.

jmartinez 08-05-2012 06:50 PM

This situation really sucks. I went through the same thing and i have 3c/4a hair. But what can you do? We werent born with straight hair and forcing it to be that way will kill it. When people insult you in school, you should ask them why are they so stupid. Your only wearing your hair the way it grows out of your head. Its just mean and if u reacted and went back to relaxer or straightened it, they wouldnt compliment you, they would only stop talking because they are happy your hair would be damaged like theirs and breaking off. Your at the perfect age to transition. When you graduate highschool and go to college, your hair will be totally different and long. People wont have anything to say then.

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FabledBeauty 08-06-2012 09:44 AM

The other ladies who have posted have all given you some really great adice on how to brush them off .. do you... love you... and I second all of it.. so Ill just leave my little bit of two cents.

I went to Howard University and just graduated when I first got them there were ZERO naturals.. like at all... but my freshmen year I tried to go natural and I ended up breaking down due to all the peer pressure and I regret it SOO much... I transitioned again at the end of my Jr year because some how there was a transformation on campus and it started to become more acceptable ( not accepted but acceptable ) and the saddest part about it was because there were certain trendsetters who all of a sudden were popping up with these gloriously long curls and waves then all of a sudden people wanted that and the natural wave was on... so to you...

People have human nature... so if you stick with it and give your hair the time and love that it needs and one day pop up with this glorious and NATURAL beauty.. how much do you want to bet all of sudden people will want what you have. Its sad but true... the very same people picking on you will be going to YOU for hair guidance...its hard now because you are being DIFFERENT.. a REBEL... but you never know what young woman you will inspire to finally let her curls go free and a lot of the time people will lash out in negativity and try to hurt that which is too different from their norm or something they desire but refuse to let themselves fantasize about...

PS... if your BF would say something so hurtful to his WOMAN... girl.. you need a new Man.....#JusSayin

Kitathena 08-06-2012 04:53 PM

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Your boyfriend sounds terrible. It's one thing to not like your significant other's hair, but it's another thing to say something that hurtful. It was unnecessarily cruel and I would question his role in your life if you're planning on keeping him around.

It's time to visibly show that you are not approving of these comments. I had to completely stop any kind of laughing or playing when comments like these came up to nip it in the bud. Don't look downtrodden when they say these things either. Look proud and keep your head up.

I noticed once I started exuding more confidence about my hair, people started keeping their mouths shut more. The ones who still opened their mouths to spew garbage got off my back once I started to spurn them openly when they started that nonsense.

You can get through this and believe me, I know it's hard. I agree that you should try to find some naturals off line. Even if you have nothing else in common, it's still a great conversation starter when talking about hair :) Good luck and feel free to vent, we're listening!

Jo Somebody 08-08-2012 12:55 AM

Great advice in the thread, I just wanted to say good luck because you will need it! Can we see a photo? I love big chops! :D

Astonied 08-11-2012 12:35 PM

Thank you for the advice. I can't show pictures because I don't have a webcam anymore.

adthomas 08-11-2012 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Astonied (Post 2012452)
Thank you for the advice. I can't show pictures because I don't have a webcam anymore.

Do you have a digital camera? You can upload to your computer then to CT. Or I take a picture with my phone then email it to myself and save it to my computer. I have to do this because the system stopped taking photo uploads from iphones and as far as I know it was never fixed.

dreamBubble 08-12-2012 08:22 AM

I'm really sorry you have to go through that. I'm lucky that my mom is generally supportive, although she still sometimes pulls the "why don't you comb it/do something with your hair" card. It's incredible that you haven't snapped at them yet, but the next time someone gets insistent tell them that it is YOUR body and YOUR hair, and they can butt out of your business. They might hate what they were born with, but that's on them. You think explaining that it was making your hair brittle and unhealthy would be enough, huh!

I agree with Lovemenappy about finding some kind of IRL support group or event where you can make connections.

Just keep at it, I bet when your hair is healthy and gorgeous these same haters are going to ask you about X Y and Z that you did to get it that way!:happy3:

mycurlytresses 08-17-2012 11:53 PM

Hey hope things are going better for you. My advice to you earlier about CG was not to get you caught up in some hair fad. I noticed that others told you to grease your hair. Well when I first big chopped my hair was extremely dry and from what I read that's very common when you first big chop. Using a conditioner as a leave in not only provides moisture it also helps my hair to form a more defined curly look after I cowash. No MATTER what route you take, I am here to support you.

Do you live close to an area that has "natural hair" meetings?

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Astonied 08-22-2012 07:38 AM

I don't have a digital camera or internet on my phone, but I will hopefully get my computer with the webcam back today.

There are no natural meet ups in my area. I have noticed a few people in my school, which has mostly relaxed people, are doing big chops. Last year I was the only girl in my school with a twa. This year there are quite a few.

Also I have good news. I finaly have support from a family member: my grandma. We both have twa's. She had cancer so she lost her hair and decided to stop using relaxers.

akilamonique 08-22-2012 08:25 AM

Hang in there. When I was in my senior year of high school I decided to shave my hair that short. I OWNED that twa(became the first of many)! I wore things that made me feel good and eventually everyone came around and would tell me how it suited me. I say add a funky color to it forget everyone else, they just need some time to get used to it.

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mycurlytresses 08-22-2012 09:31 AM

Yay that your grandmother is supporting you now. Hopefully that means other family members will join her in the support. Hopefully the nonsupporting boyfriend is gone. :-)

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