Hair PRIDE vs Hair GUILT

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  • 1 Post By ggard85
  • 1 Post By KinkyRN
  • 2 Post By Cerendipity
  • 1 Post By adthomas
  • 4 Post By drdesiree
  • 1 Post By curlyhoneyb

I'm back to that point again, where I want to take all of this natural hair and process it back to something that I can cope with.

I just spent two hours in the shower detangling, working through the shedding, after spending a week with my hair in a hat because of how sad it looked. It looked sad because I hadn't washed it in a while, and I hadn't washed it because of the lack of TIME I've had. It's the last thing I think about, even though it's all I think about. That should make sense.

My hair isn't getting any easier, or better, or more exciting. I don't run outside with my hair wild and free and think "Hey! I'm a proud natural woman!" I tie my hair down, cover it up, and hope to Jesus that I don't look hideous.

I just don't get what I'm missing. What is it that I'm supposed to be proud about, exactly?

I don't have kids, I don't have a huge household to run, and I actually have all the time in the world right now, but I hate taking so much time to wash my hair, detangle, section, sleep, get it into a tied down style that will last me as many weeks as I can handle, before doing it again and working through the shedding. I'm not rocking curly fros or twist outs, or even twists anymore.

And it's like the shortcuts I take end up taking just as long as if I were to actually look presentable. How about I cowash and hope it doesn't get too matted? Maybe I'll just knot these sections so tight that they're bound to be some form of flatter next week when they're finally dry! Let's try 6 big flat twists instead of 10, and just go a bit tighter to save time (and actually taking longer).

I just don't have the juice to find pride in my hair, mainly because I'm not seeing the natural hair process (or the natural hair activists) the same anymore.

Just to elaborate, I don't do a little happy dance because I'm natural, or because my hair is this long. I actually hate myself a bit, all over again, just because it's so long. Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I natural? What joy am I finding in carrying all this hair around when I can't even show it off easily, or tie it up easily, or TAKE A SHOWER easily? No number of curlformers or amount of leave-in is going to excuse the hours spent detangling just to get out of the shower without it matting, only for it to mat anyways upon taking a section down.

I look on texlax videos and people go crazy, INSANE at naturals deciding to texturize, or relaxed girls upkeeping their hair. It's like, if you're not natural, get ready for onslaught. People already hate what you're doing to yourself, the natural hair movement, and black culture as a whole. I'm not even lying, it's like... It's like the breastfeeding activists (lactivists) except for hair.

And just looking at each comment is a slap in the face, FAILURE. You didn't do it. You couldn't survive being natural. You can't handle it. You aren't black enough or proud enough or comfortable enough in being yourself. You're just lazy.

I was thinking, well, maybe if I get a good enough paying job that I can just have a stylist do my hair each time I need something done, but that would make me feel worse. Why would I spend that much money on a regular basis to spend 3 hours in a chair? Why would I change my life to remain natural. WHY AM I DOING THIS?

I wish, for a day, that I had my relaxed hair back. Just to feel how it was in the shower, because I can't remember. Just to treat it like I know I'm supposed to now, and co-wash and use butters and keep away from heat...

I know that if I were to use a process I'd probably hate myself more for failing. At what, I don't know.

I'm sitting here, after this shower, with wet, soft, long, and healthy hair, and I CAN'T gather anything but contempt for it. I don't get it. I'm hormonal, I'm emotional--I've always been emotional about my hair, but I just feel like a fool.

I was thinking of straightening my hair this week, but the last time I did it (for a wedding in June) I turned OCD about it. The second I put the iron down (after nearly 5 hours) I realized that I had about a week before it stopped feeling fresh, 2 weeks before it started getting greasy, 3 weeks before my scalp got itchy, and a month before I put my hat on and tried to enjoy the simplicity of no fuss hair for a few extra days. It's been like that every time, a "countdown to wet."

I just don't know what I'm feeling now. It's late, and I have to find a way to get some sleep with these wet pinned up sections. Maybe I can figure it out tomorrow, or fit a hat on long enough to go to the store and buy something to make me feel better about myself, and what I'm doing with all this hair.
~My salvation lies in your love... Alexi Murdoch~
Maybe if you cut it down to a shorter, more manageable, workable length?

Sent from my SPH-L710 using CurlTalk App
Cerendipity likes this.
First of all don't be so hard on yourself. Natural isn't for everyone. If cowashing mats your hair don't do it. Your hair may require way less than you are doing. If it is long enough for a pony put it in one and baggy the ends. Try a better conditioner with more slip to help detangle. I would also suggest looking at curly Nikki for more support and advice for hair care. Be patient and good luck!!
curlyhoneyb likes this.
cut it , texlax it , relax it ...


Its your choice and if someone doesnt care screw them. Oh well

You can only please yourself..... right?


Who cares what other people think. Going natural isnt for everyone , just like relaxing isnt.


DO you
curlypearl and BJShamy like this.
If you don't like natural then don't be natural. Honestly I get the feeling you have this grass is greener on the other side syndrome. Whether hair is natural or relaxed it requires upkeep. If you neglect the relaxed hair it will break off. unless you plan to self relax you are going to be in a salon chair paying someone to do your hair. For me touchups usually meant spending four to six hours in a salon bc even though I had appointment, stylists usually overbooked. The relaxers would also give me chemical burns in my scalp. A stylist told me to use Neosporin.
I'm not writing this to convince you either way but I think some people think a big chop or a relaxer will make them never have a hair problem again. That is not realistic. You might also research dif brands of relaxers or BKTs beforehand to make an informed decision instead of a rash one you might regret. Also if I remember correctly you have extremely long hair so be prepared that first relaxer on virgin hair is going to be pricey at a salon.
curlyhoneyb likes this.
"A life without fame can be a good life, but fame without a life is no life at all." - Clive Davis
Lord, I had to join this site, cause it was killing me reading this post! Go ahead and perm your hair! If it turns out great, then there you go. If its a big disappointment, then you can just transition or big chop and go back to natural. Or texlax or something. It point is, its just hair. Nothing else. Whatever you do to it, it'll grow back (most of the time). I big chopped Sept 21, 2012 after transitioning 9 months. Is my hair exactly as I imagined? No, but I love it and the experience of being natural. However, I have always felt just as strongly that we all should feel completely free to do whatever to the top of our heads. If i had hated this experience, I would have been right back at CVS buying my Optimum box perm. Otherwise we're not actually "freely natural."
Thank you all for your responses... I had to sleep on it, get away from my computer, and not even look in a mirror. Haven't left the house today either.

But I haven't cut my hair off or run to the store (mainly because I look like a crazy person), I haven't made a hair appointment (cause I can't afford it), and I haven't renounced being natural.

I still don't know what it is that I'm doing (why I'm natural, why I'm a slave to this crap), but I'm not going to do anything major to my hair before figuring it out.
~My salvation lies in your love... Alexi Murdoch~
Girl, I know the feeling. You can do less. I wash once a week, condition detangle & twist. I do two Pocahontas flat twists when I'm lazy. I wear them for a week. & repeat. Once or twice a week I get in the shower undo the twists condition, moisturize & re twist it. Find a go to style that works for you. Reading curly girl helped me a ton.

Truth is it takes me 2 hrs to wash, blow dry, & straighten. So either way I'm such messing with my hair for hours.

Every teardrop is a waterfall
About my hair:
weekly shampoo-HE Honey I'm Strong
daily conditioner-HE Honey I'm Strong (use as li)
go to style-Pocahontas braids
Girl, I know the feeling. You can do less. I wash once a week, condition detangle & twist. I do two Pocahontas flat twists when I'm lazy. I wear them for a week. & repeat. Once or twice a week I get in the shower undo the twists condition, moisturize & re twist it. Find a go to style that works for you. Reading curly girl helped me a ton.

Truth is it takes me 2 hrs to wash, blow dry, & straighten. So either way I'm such messing with my hair for hours.

Every teardrop is a waterfall
Originally Posted by ss40
Are these Pocahontas braids?
Attached Images
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~My salvation lies in your love... Alexi Murdoch~
Girl, I know the feeling. You can do less. I wash once a week, condition detangle & twist. I do two Pocahontas flat twists when I'm lazy. I wear them for a week. & repeat. Once or twice a week I get in the shower undo the twists condition, moisturize & re twist it. Find a go to style that works for you. Reading curly girl helped me a ton.

Truth is it takes me 2 hrs to wash, blow dry, & straighten. So either way I'm such messing with my hair for hours.

Every teardrop is a waterfall
Originally Posted by ss40
Are these Pocahontas braids?
Originally Posted by bharjala
Pretty much. I tuck mine in or bun the back.

Every teardrop is a waterfall
About my hair:
weekly shampoo-HE Honey I'm Strong
daily conditioner-HE Honey I'm Strong (use as li)
go to style-Pocahontas braids
Thank you all for your responses... I had to sleep on it, get away from my computer, and not even look in a mirror. Haven't left the house today either.

But I haven't cut my hair off or run to the store (mainly because I look like a crazy person), I haven't made a hair appointment (cause I can't afford it), and I haven't renounced being natural.

I still don't know what it is that I'm doing (why I'm natural, why I'm a slave to this crap), but I'm not going to do anything major to my hair before figuring it out.
Originally Posted by bharjala
If that is you in your avatar, you are very pretty! I tried to go natural and after about 6 months of attempting to transition, I relaxed...bummer. I feel like such a chicken. But I plan to try again someday. Don't beat yourself up. Not everyone can be natural, at least not right away.

Sometimes the journey is longer and more difficult for some people. But don't give up. Whether you decide to relax or not is up to you. You will be beautiful no matter what your hair looks like. And whether one's hair is natural or relaxed, that has nothing to do with being "black enough". I share the same struggle you do with my hair. I worry too much about what others will think. But don't be discouraged...you will figure out what works for you.

Take care.
curlypearl likes this.
it saddens me to see people unhappy. If you don't like being natural change it. there has to be a solution to your problem. Complaining will only stress you out. looks like you have a lot of support on here regardless of what you decide.
hair type: 4a VERY dense

hair goal
= WL Aug. 23, 2013

My hair LOVES oil

2. "Being natural must be the new crack cus im hooked!!"

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is
perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

www.fotki.com/dee-nature-619

Hope things are going better for you. You can do whatever you want with your hair, it will not make you any less or any more than you already are... Just a different looking mane. How are you feeling now?
3C, fine/med texture, normal porosity, high elasticity, very defined spiral

Holy Grail Products: TRESemme Naturals conditioner, my mango/shea butter mixture, Apricot Kernel Oil, Coconut Oil, EVOO & Cantu Shea Butter

Check out my blog: http://ricciolina.wordpress.com

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