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-   -   White Adoptive Mom's Hair Rant (http://www.naturallycurly.com/curltalk/4/153448-white-adoptive-moms-hair-rant.html)

adthomas 01-01-2013 01:05 PM

White Adoptive Mom's Hair Rant
 
This is a rant from a white woman who adopted a black child from Africa and is constantly getting unsolicited advice and criticism from black women. I'm glad this mom is standing up for herself. And just because a black child has a black mother doesn't mean the mother knows how to care for her hair. I see black moms slapping relaxers and weave in their young kids' hair. I've seen an infant with a braid extensions and beads. I do think she was a little too broad in saying all black women don't like to see children with afros. I don't know why she engages the critics. I would just tell them "mind your business" and keep it moving.


Dear Black Women Giving Me Hair Advice about My African Daughter: Please Stop

coilynapp 01-01-2013 01:52 PM

Her daughter is so cute! And her hair is gorgeous. These black women need to STFU. We know how among us there are many (definitely not all black women) who just cringe at the sight of kinky hair. It's so unfortunate. Frankly, these women need to keep their hate to themselves and mind their own business. Just because the lady is white doesn't mean she doesn't know how to take care of her baby's hair--she did her own research and is doing a marvelous job. These same women will have babies who have edges starting behind the ear because they are so busy slapping a relaxer on their baby's head to get the kink out. SMDH

ss40 01-01-2013 02:29 PM

Honestly I know Black women who can't do their little Black girl's hair & folks stare, hate, & offer unsolicited advice. It won't stop whether you are white or not. She needs to learn to snap back on those people & keep it moving.

That little girl's hair is cute regardless of the style its in.

These are my curlfessions

Yltnelis 01-02-2013 06:25 PM

All I can say is that mother is a lot nicer than I would be to complete strangers who feel they have the right to provide me with unsolicited advice pertaining to my child. This conversation right here just had me floored:

Quote:

Cashier: What’s you name, sweet little girl?
Naomi: Naomi
Cashier: You sure are pretty.
Cashier, to me: Have you ever thought of fixing her hair?
Me: Yes, I learned how to braid and I take care of it, but it’s been braided for so long I wanted to let the parts rest a bit and give her hair a chance to be natural.
Cashier: Well, I have been looking at it, and I can tell you don’t know what you are doing. (Then, she proceeds to give me directions to a braid shop in my hometown.)
Cashier, to Naomi: How does your mom fix your hair normally?
Naomi: in twists, in beads, in braids, in an afro….
Cashier: Well, you sure are pretty, but you’d be even prettier if your mom took you to a braid shop.
Seriously?? You are a random cashier, you don't know anything about this woman other than the fact that she is white and her daughter is black, and based on that you feel that it's your place to not only address the mother but the daughter as well. Some people have serious nerve. I understand that the mother doesn't want to act a fool in front of her child, and she doesn't want to make it obvious to her daughter that there is tension and negativity with the way some people view hair. But she has to put her foot down. Yes, as a mother you want to lead by example and not just go off on strangers, even if their behavior warrants it. But she can let them know that this is her child and they are disrespecting her boundaries when they approach her this way. You can't tell me that some of these women haven't seen black mothers who have jacked up their daughters' hair, but I bet they never say a word to them about it.

MsCurl83 01-02-2013 11:43 PM

People always offer unsolicited advice about hair. But not everyone can take of someone else's hair or even their own. She is definitely doing the best she can and with what she's learned. But I would definitely check anyone with their rude comments. if you have nothing nice to say don't say it. Sometimes people open their mouths without playing the recording of their thoughts first.

ss40 01-03-2013 05:14 AM

I think this mom should take a class on African American families. Those comments aren't meant to be hurtful. I think the Black people she is being approached by mean well. They see that child as a part of our community regardless of who is raising her. This mother is defensive. Who wouldn't be? But she thinks this is about her adopting a Black child. Its about her daughter becoming a Black woman. There are grown women who are natural & we know how hard it is to overcome the stares, the glass ceiling, etc. That's a reality we are challenged with. Hopefully her daughter won't have to be. But those people are trying to be helpful even though its coming out wrong.

When I think about it, my mom couldn't do my hair sometimes & I ended up right in a hair salon from a press or getting it braided by someone else's mom. She wasn't going to have her hair looking fresh & me looking jacked up & we are both Black.

These are my curlfessions

adthomas 01-03-2013 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ss40 (Post 2095709)
I think this mom should take a class on African American families. Those comments aren't meant to be hurtful. I think the Black people she is being approached by mean well. They see that child as a part of our community regardless of who is raising her. This mother is defensive. Who wouldn't be? But she thinks this is about her adopting a Black child. Its about her daughter becoming a Black woman. There are grown women who are natural & we know how hard it is to overcome the stares, the glass ceiling, etc. That's a reality we are challenged with. Hopefully her daughter won't have to be. But those people are trying to be helpful even though its coming out wrong.

When I think about it, my mom couldn't do my hair sometimes & I ended up right in a hair salon from a press or getting it braided by someone else's mom. She wasn't going to have her hair looking fresh & me looking jacked up & we are both Black.

These are my curlfessions

Maybe in some cases the mom is being defensive but a lot of times there is a racial overtone to the criticism and it is more harsh. I have heard black people say about white mothers with black children "she shouldn't have laid with a black man if she wasn't going to learn to do that child's hair." I have also heard people say they can't stand to see " little black kids with white moms and their hair sticking up all over their heads." Take that same hair and I don't believe these well meaning people would approach a woman they didn't know from Adam and give unsolicited hair advice if she was Moesha and not Becky. Yet only Becky needs the intervention? And I see little white kids whose hair looks a mess. Who is looking out for them? Is anybody talking to their mamas all crazy?

My friend is a foster parent who is white and she has had two black boys in her home. I gave her advice but because she asked me.

Kilajo 01-03-2013 01:54 PM

I think the comments are intended to sting and be hurtful a lot of times. There are still a lot of people against transracial adoption.

What these people say to a white mother, many won't say to a black mother if they don't know them/aren't family and many of these same people think it's just dandy to see black moms put weaves and relaxers in their 3 year olds head.

There is this horrible mentality of any style that clearly shows traces of a child's african roots being a bad thing. My MIL was PRAISING my daughter's straightened natural hair on Christmas while at the same time praising God she didn't have "those dooky braid twists in" that she usually wears. As far as I'm concerned people with this mentality can GTFOHWTBS, including the people the writer is referring to in her blog!

Sent from my PC36100 using CurlTalk App

ricotdorothy 01-03-2013 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kilajo (Post 2095964)
I think the comments are intended to sting and be hurtful a lot of times. There are still a lot of people against transracial adoption.

What these people say to a white mother, many won't say to a black mother if they don't know them/aren't family and many of these same people think it's just dandy to see black moms put weaves and relaxers in their 3 year olds head.

There is this horrible mentality of any style that clearly shows traces of a child's african roots being a bad thing. My MIL was PRAISING my daughter's straightened natural hair on Christmas while at the same time praising God she didn't have "those dooky braid twists in" that she usually wears. As far as I'm concerned people with this mentality can GTFOHWTBS, including the people the writer is referring to in her blog!

Sent from my PC36100 using CurlTalk App

I Totally Agree. angry9:

Always@night 01-03-2013 02:46 PM

I agree with this mom on most of her points that she mentioned, but two in particular really stood out to me.
"The black women and white women often disagree about what looks nice on the other races hair"
And second
" That her daughter IS black but at the end of the day it is HER daughter"
Firstly my mother was very creative and skilled doing my hair in its natural state as child, but being the young inpatient girl I was, I would often complain and pout about the time it took and ask her to put my hair in a "puff pony tail", which she did. I remember being at some ceremony with my mom at a table seated with black women and one white woman who had a black daughter. The white woman cooed and awed over my simple but neat pony puff and asked my mom how she got my hair so shiny sleek and thick looking, as her and my mom talked, i noticed the black women rolling their eyes and scoffing and talking amongst themselves. My mother noticed this also and simply asked what was so funny. One of the women seated with us ignored my mother and told the white woman that " she shouldn't ask hair advice from a woman that clearly didn't know how to do her own daughter's hair". Which obviously pissed my mother off... And they started arguing but anyway the white woman looked astonished and said to them that she thought my hair looked gorgeous and saw nothing wrong with it...her daughter also agreed with her that she thought my hair looked nice.
Which just made them laugh and we ended up moving to another table.
Looking back at this now much older I was only about 6 at the time.... I am astonished at the nerve of those women.
I also remember getting lots of compliments from caucasians about my pony tail puff, as well as getting asked by some black women if my mom ever pressed my hair.

But just like the mom in the article said I was my mothers daughter and as long as she was happy with my hair and I was happy with my hair what did it matter to anyone else?
It was thick, long, and healthy.
It really isn't/ wasn't anyone else's business was it?
Why some people feel the need to give their two cents about something that has nothing to do with them is beyond me.
I am aware that some people actually have good intentions when giving others hair care advice they aren't seeking. But i suppose it all depends on how that person responds to the "helpful advice" they are receiving.

honeysweet20 01-03-2013 02:51 PM

what if many black people adopted European white babies? tis all I got. Anyway the people who are complaining about a white woman adopting an african baby but not keeping her hair laid, gets the side eye from me, because why are you so focused on the little well cared for, going to have a chance at education, possibly a loving home, toys, clothes, good health, having little girl? and out of alllll the things to complain about, you choose hair????? Seriously? Are you adopting african babies left and right? Well are you? That's right the majority of these complaining black women aren't. So hurshh:afro: and let the little black girl hair breeave

ss40 01-03-2013 04:14 PM

I wasn't taught to think the worst of ppl so I assume they are showing a level if concern. Also case in point, there ate plenty of Black women who will quickly educate other black women they don't know about their Child's hair.

These are my curlfessions

Kilajo 01-03-2013 04:47 PM

I think it's pretty obvious that these comments are intended to hurt. I never said in every case. There may very well be situations where a person is concerned and would tell a black mother the same thing. However, I hear of situations all the time where white mothers are told how to do their black child's hair, but at least around this area, I never hear anyone complain about a 2 or 3 year old having her hair braided up in extensions or getting a "perm."

Anyway, it also is not really a matter of whether a person's mother teaches her to see the best in people--but to your point my mother taught me to see the best in people as well, but when looking not to look through rose-colored glasses.

ss40 01-03-2013 05:19 PM

I wasn't directing my comment at you. I was directing it at the author of the blog. The white mother. She automatically went to a place of defense. She acts like everyone should be grateful that she adopted a little black girl. As if only someone in her shoes can comment on that child's hair. For all she knows those same white ppl who love her daughter's hair could be laughing at her behind her back. We don't know. I respect someone who's willing to give input instead of staring like a nutcase. Even if what they say is mean. I get the vibe that this woman is defensive simply because she adopted a little black girl.

In short if you can't take the heat don't adopt. Because we all know the reality of our society, right or wrong, is what it is. She won't change that with a rant. If she wanted to change that she would have been more assertive with those people who approached her.

These are my curlfessions

ss40 01-03-2013 05:43 PM

Read her other blog posts. She's on that bs. I was more sympathetic until I read a little more.

These are my curlfessions

Kilajo 01-03-2013 05:52 PM

Oh, ok, I thought it was directed at me. I apologize for making that assumption.

I now live in a town, that is very different than how/where I grew up. Amongst so many other ignorant comments I've heard so many times, comments such as, "what she gonna do if that kid has nappy hair," in regards to a woman expecting a biracial child, or "what she want to adopt that black baby for." I also hear about a mom that adopted a biracial child, that she doesn't know how to do the child's hair. This little girl has the most beautiful curly hair. Once she wore it out and I complimented her. My MIL's response was, "now why you go and tell that girl her hair's pretty...you know it's a mess." This was said in front of the child, who is 4.

These comments don't come from a place of concern. They really are meant to hurt. So, I admit, I'm looking at this from a different place and from my own experiences. I see exactly what the writer is saying based on what I've seen myself in this environment.

So anyway perhaps if I had never experienced this place, I would have very similar views to yours. I don't know. I just see what this mother is saying and I can see why she's defensive. I'd be pissed too if I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what's best for my child's hair and a lot of people criticize what I do with her hair, especially knowing there are black mother's (perhaps the same ones commenting) that aren't practicing the best hair care techniques for their daughter.

ricotdorothy 01-03-2013 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kilajo (Post 2096047)
Oh, ok, I thought it was directed at me. I apologize for making that assumption.

I now live in a town, that is very different than how/where I grew up. Amongst so many other ignorant comments I've heard so many times, comments such as, "what she gonna do if that kid has nappy hair," in regards to a woman expecting a biracial child, or "what she want to adopt that black baby for." I also hear about a mom that adopted a biracial child, that she doesn't know how to do the child's hair. This little girl has the most beautiful curly hair. Once she wore it out and I complimented her. My MIL's response was, "now why you go and tell that girl her hair's pretty...you know it's a mess." This was said in front of the child, who is 4.

These comments don't come from a place of concern. They really are meant to hurt. So, I admit, I'm looking at this from a different place and from my own experiences. I see exactly what the writer is saying based on what I've seen myself in this environment.

So anyway perhaps if I had never experienced this place, I would have very similar views to yours. I don't know. I just see what this mother is saying and I can see why she's defensive. I'd be pissed too if I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what's best for my child's hair and a lot of people criticize what I do with her hair, especially knowing there are black mother's (perhaps the same ones commenting) that aren't practicing the best hair care techniques for their daughter.

I agree with this also. Out while displaying the natural curl pattern- is NOT a mess.:protest: That does not indicate a lack of proper hair care. What does indicate a lack of proper care is dryness, breakage, over processing, over manipulation and rough handling. The presence of this very website is all about this.

Kilajo 01-03-2013 06:13 PM

Ugh, I just read some of her other posts. Her problem is not her daughter's hair, her ability to do it or black women commenting on that ability or lack thereof. She's raising this child to be a conservative Republican and hangs out with Bristol Palin and Mitt Romney!!! Poor baby!

ricotdorothy 01-03-2013 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kilajo (Post 2096054)
Ugh, I just read some of her other posts. Her problem is not her daughter's hair, her ability to do it or black women commenting on that ability or lack thereof. She's raising this child to be a conservative Republican and hangs out with Bristol Palin and Mitt Romney!!! Poor baby!

Wow, really?! *Falls over dead* LeSigh. I am without words.:sad1:

Kilajo 01-03-2013 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ricotdorothy (Post 2096051)
Quote:

Originally Posted by Kilajo (Post 2096047)
Oh, ok, I thought it was directed at me. I apologize for making that assumption.

I now live in a town, that is very different than how/where I grew up. Amongst so many other ignorant comments I've heard so many times, comments such as, "what she gonna do if that kid has nappy hair," in regards to a woman expecting a biracial child, or "what she want to adopt that black baby for." I also hear about a mom that adopted a biracial child, that she doesn't know how to do the child's hair. This little girl has the most beautiful curly hair. Once she wore it out and I complimented her. My MIL's response was, "now why you go and tell that girl her hair's pretty...you know it's a mess." This was said in front of the child, who is 4.

These comments don't come from a place of concern. They really are meant to hurt. So, I admit, I'm looking at this from a different place and from my own experiences. I see exactly what the writer is saying based on what I've seen myself in this environment.

So anyway perhaps if I had never experienced this place, I would have very similar views to yours. I don't know. I just see what this mother is saying and I can see why she's defensive. I'd be pissed too if I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what's best for my child's hair and a lot of people criticize what I do with her hair, especially knowing there are black mother's (perhaps the same ones commenting) that aren't practicing the best hair care techniques for their daughter.

I agree with this also. Out while displaying the natural curl pattern- is NOT a mess.:protest: That does not indicate a lack of proper hair care. What does indicate a lack of proper care is dryness, breakage, over processing, over manipulation and rough handling. The presence of this very website is all about this.

Right! I wish you could tell my MIL that so she would know I'm not the only one out there that thinks natural hair is beautiful and certainly not a "mess" when out!!


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