When You Used to Relax ... ?

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Their dads family doesn't bother me about it anymore. Their dad is on board and that is enough said. My mother is another issue, she has always tried to be "in my business". But as I said her opinion doesn't matter, but it doesn't stop her from stating it.
Originally Posted by brimom19
My mom will speak her peace that one time but then she'll leave it alone. She knows better than to nag me too much about how I run my business. I don't tolerate that and there have been a few blowups between us over the years. she'd even tell you once I make up my mind that's it.
Omg, I am ROFL LOL!! I'm crying laughing!! This was the absolute best laugh I've had today. I'm shocked my mom didn't think to use that one on me. She has gotten on my nerves about my hair in the last week and I'm trying to decide whether to be a good daughter and shrug it off or tell her. The crazy part is that she hasn't seen my hair or its progress in over a year.
Originally Posted by KinkyChic
LOL KinkyChic. Laughter is great medicine, right?

Man it's a judgement call when it comes to handling this, I think.

I wonder what would happen if, when your mom started up w/you again, you pretended she was aiming all that hair hate at herself (which is really what's happening, probably). What if you just calmly said, “Your natural hair is lovely” after she criticized yours? What if you just practiced that line on her for a while to see what she did with it?

I used to get into an argument whenever my mom started complaining about African hair. Then one time I tried the approach above (“Mom, I think your natural hair is lovely, and I'd love to see it again.”) One time she just wouldn't stop complaining though, so while she talked I started hugging her. (She hugged me back but kept complaining ) But whenever she paused for a second I'd tell her things I love about her hair (her texture – springy and soft (not like wool LOL); her color – salt and pepper; her look – majestic, regal, elegant). Of course she kept disagreeing that time but we ended up laughing and changing the subject. Admittedly, it still fires me up though when that BS about Ham comes up. I hate interpretations of religious texts that propagate racist ideology.

I always had to get a roller set or blow dried, then flat ironed to get it straight. Soon as I'd wash my hair it would revert back. Now it was never as coarse as it is now when it was relaxed it just looked like heat damaged natural hair. My stylist would leave it on longer than necessary and spray certain spots with Sheen if I said it burned. SMH I don't think I ever got a relaxer w/out having to deal with scabs a few days later. I do not miss those days!

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Originally Posted by randi415
Randi, before you ever got your first relaxer, did you know that relaxers would still require all this extra work? I didn't. Can't believe so many of us were willing to put up w/the damaged look and all those scabs on our heads. All that because we thought we'd be more beautiful!

[More responses below … ]
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I have three biracial daughters and I was constantly encouraged to perm their hair by their father's family... So I did. I have since learned better and they are all natural, however, when they were relaxed I still had to take a straighten iron to it because it always ended up having an weird wave pattern. I complete understand the unsupportive family. My mother as well as their dads family think I am crazy for not relaxing their hair. I don't have much support from either side, but I know what is best for my kids, so their opinions don't matter much to me.
Originally Posted by brimom19
Yep, the curl-bashing thing is ubiquitous, at least in the US. If all those relatives told me I was “crazy” for not straightening my kid's hair, I'd tell them - even if I didn't mean it - that I don't care for their hair, and they are crazy for not curling it. I would say it just to try and make them engage their brains.

My mother is another issue, she has always tried to be "in my business". But as I said her opinion doesn't matter, but it doesn't stop her from stating it.
Originally Posted by brimom19
Not sure this has happened yet, but her opinion does matter the moment your kids overhear it, or the moment those comments are aimed at them. It's abusive IMO. If it were me I'd make it plain to her that if she says anything in the presence of my kids about their natural texture being unacceptable, she will be immediately invited out of my house, or if we're somewhere else, I will take the kids and leave. She doesn't have to get your logic. If she's less married to repeating her upsetting comments than to seeing you and the kids, she'll get the point and stop. And you might even earn a little more respect by putting your foot down.
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Don't get me wrong I am by no way a push over or weak by anyone's stretch of the imagination. I have my convictions and I stand by them. When I said that her opinion didn't matter I meant that it doesn't move me or in any way sway me from my decision about my girls hair. I know what is best for them. Yes, I did perm their hair, but when I learned better I did better. I am teaching my girls to love themselves for who God created them to be..., every part of them. My mom doesn't get it yet, hopefully she will or atleast respect my decision. We are from the Deep South and there are VERY few naturals around here and even fewer biracial couples. I have dealt with racism from both sides. I never figured that hair would be such a huge issue and was surprised when it became one.
Oh I didn't mean to make you out as weak. I just have some strong opinions. It's great that your kids have a mom who is willing to abandon the straightening tools and stand up for her principles in the face of all that pressure

Although my interracial family and I didn't spend a lot of time down South, I know what you mean about having been outnumbered, and having hair made into a big deal. It was a constant tame-the-curls campaign!
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I live in the Deep South and I think sometimes people tend to lump it all together. I think a lot depends on where you live. My cousin married a white guy. They are both doctors and they moved to a town where people treated them like dirt. They planned to stay there a few years to knock off their debts for being in impoverished area but left it got so bad. Still it took years for them to sell their house because a black white couple had lived there. Where I live it is very diverse and lots of military and lots of tourists. People don't care much about interracial dating and marriage. I have only dated one guy in the last 10 years who wasn't white or latino (honestly I don't consider latino a race but some people do.) My my mom lives two hours away and I have had black people strangers approach me there while out with white friends ask me why I was hanging out with white people. I went to a store with a guyfriend to buy a locket for his mom. He was white and the white clerk was rude acting like she was disgusted and barely tried to be helpful. I told him to ask to see a ring but he wouldn't do it. LOL!

Oh and I see a lot of naturals in New Orleans.
My my mom lives two hours away and I have had black people strangers approach me there while out with white friends ask me why I was hanging out with white people. I went to a store with a guyfriend to buy a locket for his mom. He was white and the white clerk was rude acting like she was disgusted and barely tried to be helpful. I told him to ask to see a ring but he wouldn't do it. LOL!
Originally Posted by adthomas
Tacky and tackier. I see your friend's point. I wouldn't have continued shopping at that joint either after that.
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Just plain ignorance to me. I don't understand racism and never will. When I was pregnant with my first my father asked me to get an abortion. I was 24, had my college degree, and was teaching. I of course told him no and we haven't spoken in 14 years. My grandmother(my dad's mother) then came to me and ask me to give her up for adoption). I haven't spoken That entire side of the family in years, which doesn't bother me anymore. My girls have started to ask a lot of questions because their cousins see my dads side. They are just confused as to why. I tell them constantly that they are beautiful, smart, and strong... Which they are. They have so much love from my mothers side of the family, but racism is alive and real where I live in Alabama.
Just plain ignorance to me. I don't understand racism and never will. When I was pregnant with my first my father asked me to get an abortion. I was 24, had my college degree, and was teaching. I of course told him no and we haven't spoken in 14 years. My grandmother(my dad's mother) then came to me and ask me to give her up for adoption). I haven't spoken That entire side of the family in years, which doesn't bother me anymore. My girls have started to ask a lot of questions because their cousins see my dads side. They are just confused as to why. I tell them constantly that they are beautiful, smart, and strong... Which they are. They have so much love from my mothers side of the family, but racism is alive and real where I live in Alabama.
Originally Posted by brimom19
That is sad that people can let their hate overrule their love for their family. I will pray for them and your girls. I dated a white guy once whose sister had black kids. His father would have nothing to do with them and wouldnt allow my bf to have photos of them in the house. Man probably would have killed over if I'd married his son.
When my cousin married a white guy some family members werent happy about it but they love her so they accept it. In fact my cousin's sister has always said how much she hates white people but but she is crazy about her niece and nephew I guess because family is family.
My dad and stepmom have told me they dont believe in interracial marriage. But do I honestly think a single family member would disown me. Not a chance.

Edit - what I should have said is my parents don't believe in marrying white people. Any other race they don't care. These relatives never really say why they feel the way they do.

Last edited by adthomas; 06-21-2013 at 06:00 PM.
My relaxers always took well, my hairdresser would leave it on until it started burning though. My hair was laid each time without miss that's for sure. Lol.

I'm transitioning now and the problems some of you speak of in your families also exist in mine. I feel like black Hispanics are some of the worst when it comes to curly hair...hair has to be in the type 2s to ever be considered "good" and even then, it's better off relaxed. The self hate is such a shame.
adthomas likes this.
My relaxers always took well, my hairdresser would leave it on until it started burning though. My hair was laid each time without miss that's for sure. Lol.

I'm transitioning now and the problems some of you speak of in your families also exist in mine. I feel like black Hispanics are some of the worst when it comes to curly hair...hair has to be in the type 2s to ever be considered "good" and even then, it's better off relaxed. The self hate is such a shame.
Originally Posted by RizosMio
Some relatives you are never going to convince. In a recent visit with family I got to hear someone call natural hair "Kizzy hair". They meant it negative. Actually Kizzy was one of mt favorite characters in Roots. That actress was beautiful. Lol! Buena suerte with your transition.

Good Luck Buena Suerte with your transition
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Just plain ignorance to me. I don't understand racism and never will. When I was pregnant with my first my father asked me to get an abortion. I was 24, had my college degree, and was teaching. I of course told him no and we haven't spoken in 14 years. My grandmother(my dad's mother) then came to me and ask me to give her up for adoption). I haven't spoken That entire side of the family in years, which doesn't bother me anymore. My girls have started to ask a lot of questions because their cousins see my dads side. They are just confused as to why. I tell them constantly that they are beautiful, smart, and strong... Which they are. They have so much love from my mothers side of the family, but racism is alive and real where I live in Alabama.
Originally Posted by brimom19
Your kids are really lucky to have such strong support from you. It's invaluable considering some of the things they may later encounter.

My relaxers always took well, my hairdresser would leave it on until it started burning though. My hair was laid each time without miss that's for sure. Lol.

I'm transitioning now and the problems some of you speak of in your families also exist in mine. I feel like black Hispanics are some of the worst when it comes to curly hair...hair has to be in the type 2s to ever be considered "good" and even then, it's better off relaxed. The self hate is such a shame.
Originally Posted by RizosMio
Thanks for sharing RizosMio
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Luster Pink did a great job on my hair. If I was still relaxing, I'd be using that.
Originally Posted by BlackAngelPlayah
After applying and rinsing out Luster Pink, were you able to just let your hair dry naturally and it would just dry straight? ... Or did you have to tweak things further, like AdThomas and I had to?

Btw, I took a quick look at your blog pics (I'll read it later tomorrow) and ... your hair is amazing I admit too being thoroughly envious of your root lift.
Originally Posted by Korkscrew
I guess I should elaborate. LoL!

Luster did the best job. It mad my hair as straight as it could get. There was still a slight wave in it, but it actually made it look relaxed.

I'm low porosity with the STRONGEST of hair. I actually fell asleep with a super relaxer in my hair and my hair was fine. I've put a curl on top of a relaxer on top of a curl and never lost hair. I had to cut my straight ends off.

So no relaxer would straighten my hair to bone straight.

But I guess my strong hair is a blessing.

Thanks for even looking at my blog!!! I know it's pretty inactive.

I also have a YouTube. I'm oddly more active there.

www.youtube.com/BlackAngelPlayah

And I'm BlackAngelPlayah on Instagram.
FroZen
Luster Pink did a great job on my hair. If I was still relaxing, I'd be using that.
Originally Posted by BlackAngelPlayah
After applying and rinsing out Luster Pink, were you able to just let your hair dry naturally and it would just dry straight? ... Or did you have to tweak things further, like AdThomas and I had to?

Btw, I took a quick look at your blog pics (I'll read it later tomorrow) and ... your hair is amazing I admit too being thoroughly envious of your root lift.
Originally Posted by Korkscrew
I guess I should elaborate. LoL!

Luster did the best job. It mad my hair as straight as it could get. There was still a slight wave in it, but it actually made it look relaxed.

I'm low porosity with the STRONGEST of hair. I actually fell asleep with a super relaxer in my hair and my hair was fine. I've put a curl on top of a relaxer on top of a curl and never lost hair. I had to cut my straight ends off.

So no relaxer would straighten my hair to bone straight.

But I guess my strong hair is a blessing.

Thanks for even looking at my blog!!! I know it's pretty inactive.

I also have a YouTube. I'm oddly more active there.

BlackAngel Playah - YouTube

And I'm BlackAngelPlayah on Instagram.
Originally Posted by BlackAngelPlayah
You fell asleep with relaxer in your hair? I would be dead.
Korkscrew likes this.
Luster Pink did a great job on my hair. If I was still relaxing, I'd be using that.
Originally Posted by BlackAngelPlayah
After applying and rinsing out Luster Pink, were you able to just let your hair dry naturally and it would just dry straight? ... Or did you have to tweak things further, like AdThomas and I had to?

Btw, I took a quick look at your blog pics (I'll read it later tomorrow) and ... your hair is amazing I admit too being thoroughly envious of your root lift.
Originally Posted by Korkscrew
I guess I should elaborate. LoL!

Luster did the best job. It mad my hair as straight as it could get. There was still a slight wave in it, but it actually made it look relaxed.

I'm low porosity with the STRONGEST of hair. I actually fell asleep with a super relaxer in my hair and my hair was fine. I've put a curl on top of a relaxer on top of a curl and never lost hair. I had to cut my straight ends off.

So no relaxer would straighten my hair to bone straight.

But I guess my strong hair is a blessing.

Thanks for even looking at my blog!!! I know it's pretty inactive.

I also have a YouTube. I'm oddly more active there.

BlackAngel Playah - YouTube

And I'm BlackAngelPlayah on Instagram.
Originally Posted by BlackAngelPlayah
Seems like most curlies and coilies don't go natural until they heat-damage or relax their hair off a cliff. Since your hair is superhumanly strong, what prompted you to go natural when the relaxers were working for you? Were you inspired by some person or people who were already natural? Did you just get sick of straight hair? Inquiring minds want to know.

I especially like your hair in your Eco Styler vid! You and so many curlies seem to hit it off with Eco. I want to love it but it left me looking like a tumble weed ... Think it's the glycerin.
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I used to get a texturizer (Wave Nouveau in the green bottle, I think. This was in 1999/the early 2000's). After a couple of years of texturizers, I started getting actual relaxers to straighten my hair. They never straightened my hair...just made it really fluffy and undefined. I used to get weekly blow-outs.

And then I decided to stop with the relaxers because my hair was starting to break. I switched to just heat straightening. I was getting blow-outs once a week and "touching up" at home every other day. My hair was COMPLETELY wrecked.
Hair type: Mostly 3C, medium porosity to high porosity depending on the day, dense, fluffy, dry, tangly!



Thanks for sharing, Nana. A cry for the angry hair we had:

Today I asked myself why I kept up the ridiculous practice of using a bunch of relaxers that didn't work. ... I recall pouring a whole lot of hope into some far-fetched idea that eventually one of those besh**ted relaxing treatments might work - just had to find the right one.

I was so desperate to have hair I just wasn't born with. Now when I think of just how different my hair is from some kind of "American" ideal, it makes me feel proudly unique Wish I'd thought that way years ago.
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* 2 blogs this week: Pictures of My (Sorta) Big Chop! AND Turn a Nightmare Product into a Dream* My Albums
So much money, time, burning scalps, and watery eyes...all for the desire for the "ideal" hair. It was incredibly disturbing as a teenager to have clumps of hair break off and I thought my life was over. My hairdresser's solution was to do one of those new fangled (at the time) "Japanese straightening relaxer." I'm so glad I had the insight to realize it would be a bad idea. I chopped off my dead ends and embraced my natural texture! My 8th year natural anniversary just passed.
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Hair type: Mostly 3C, medium porosity to high porosity depending on the day, dense, fluffy, dry, tangly!



Happy (belated) Natural Hair Anniversary Nana banana

I bet your hair looks wonderful ... Glad you had the good sense to avoid that Japanese straightening mess.
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Ringlet Fandango! ... Where curly ideas roam free

* 2 blogs this week: Pictures of My (Sorta) Big Chop! AND Turn a Nightmare Product into a Dream* My Albums
i purposefully didnt get it bone straight. it fairly straight when wet but it dried like a poofball. I could wrap it while wet and it would dry straight.
4a hair. MOD CG routine.

Present Loves
-Back on the (rajasthani) henna train! My hair is so much better now.
-KBB hair butter mixed with Hairveda Cocasta oil
-Spiral Solutions Deeply Decadent

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