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Old 12-21-2006, 04:27 PM   #1
 
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Default Help with my mom please :(

I have only been trying to do the natural curly thing for about 2 weeks. I had been straightening it all my life. I have been visiting my family for Christmas. I have only been here for 3 days and my mom looked at me today and said I don't want you wearing your hair like that when you go out in public. Especially not for Christmas. You need to straighten it and hot curl.She said I look like I just rolled out of bed and went out. Granted I still haven't gotten a handle on the CG thing and i'm still trying to figure out what products work on my hair. I guess the holidays may be a bad time to experiment. She made me feel really bad. Now i'm super self-concious about how it looks even more than I already was. I'm so tired of trying to please my mom. I'm 30 years old and she has ruined my holiday But then again she's the best at making me feel horrible about myself. My sister has perfectly straight thick hair and is thin and i've gained weight which makes me feel even worse.

Now i'm thinking it really looks horrible. I'm so over being here. Anyone elses mom make them feel so bad.
How can I respond to this? I tried to explain the whole curly girl thing and she said that was stupid and that I could straighten it for a couple days and then go back to wearing it frizzy
Why do people think straight hair is so much prettier?

Oh, and my mom has the ugliest hair known to man
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Old 12-21-2006, 04:33 PM   #2
 
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I am so sorry that you had to experience this.
Honestly, if it were me, I would tell my mom to please not say things like that to me. I would try to put it in a polite way but make it very clear that she has really hurt your feelings. If she's anything like my mom, she'll probably throw a fit for a couple of hours but then come to her senses. I would also try explaining why I was wearing it that way, and that it will eventually look nice if it's given time to recover from the damage of straightening, but that straightening more will just make it worse in the long run.
But that's just my opinion, and it might not work in your case.
Good luck. I hope things start looking up.
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Old 12-21-2006, 06:11 PM   #3
 
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:grouphug:grouphug.gif

So sorry, just wanted to give you a hug. standing up to family is always hard.
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Old 12-22-2006, 01:10 PM   #4
 
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Thanks. This is just really hard for me to deal with. I will be lucky if I make it through Christmas without straightening it Its been frustrating for me to make it lay down doing CG and having criticism on top of that makes it even harder. :x Sometimes I just want straight boring hair.
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Old 12-22-2006, 02:52 PM   #5
 
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I felt a little guilty because I am the mother of a 22yo girl and sometimes I can be a little critical . I "learned" that from my own mother who qualifies as an "expert" at finding fault so I really try to not be like her so I make a point to compliment her often.

But I was digressing. It's sad that some people are so hung up on having stretched out locks, sometimes they don't care if they're fried to death as long as they're straight. I knows all too well what it's like because I come from a country where the entire population feels that way. I've been back there after CG and when my hair wasn't at its best I had my aunts suggest I do 'this or that'. When I was younger that would have intimidated me, now I just stand my ground and don't let THEIR prejudice bother me. Anyway, in my family they are all very bossy, so it's not just about hair.

So I think you should just ignore her, after all you are 30 years old, she really can't order you to do what she wants about your hair or anything that pertains to your life. Let me tell you something, as long as people feel they can have power over us they will try to exert it and they don't like giving it up easily, so you'll have to become a broken record. I'm sure she's used to telling you what she wants in other areas too. If she says anything again, say "Thanks for the suggestion but it's my hair and I've decided this is how I want to wear it. I would very much appreciate it if you respected my choice and kept your negative opinions to yourself" then turn around and leave the room. If she choosed to "blow a gasket" remind yourself it's nothing but a tantrum. Maybe she'll learn to leave you alone once she realizes you mean business.

Oh, and if she believes in God tell her God would feel insulted that she doesn't like curly hair as He must've loved curls enough to have made them the dominant gene And go on and enjoy the celebration, other company, decorations, food, and presents, it's still a great time of year!
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Old 12-22-2006, 04:25 PM   #6
 
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Your Mum should let you be. Just remember it is your hair and you should wear it however you want. Life is too short to give in to others no matter how much you love them.
Try to let her comments just wash over you...
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Old 12-22-2006, 07:03 PM   #7
 
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I don't have any advice to add to the excellent points already given. I just wanted to say I"m so sorry you're going through this, and I hope you can find some joy during your visit home. You're a grown woman, and you have the right to wear your hair any way you like. Maybe next year find a mohawk wig, and wear that

I've been through similar things with my mom with comments about my weight like when I got engaged she asked me if I planned to lose weight for my wedding...or when she gave me clothing she didn't wear she would say "these things are too big on me, they MIGHT fit you." I hate when people point out obvious things-do they think someone doesn't know they need to lose weight


Hugs,
Sherry
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Old 12-23-2006, 12:21 AM   #8
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sherry7899
I don't have any advice to add to the excellent points already given. I hate when people point out obvious things-do they think someone doesn't know they need to lose weight
aint it the truth!! well, if you do not feel like letting your hair curl in front of your mom bc she will flip out, you can always find a nice updo or braid. but no straightening or blowing w hot air!! meanwhile at 30 you might benefit from looking at why you are so reactive to her-this is a way she still controls you. the classic, dance of anger by harriet lerner is excellent as is debra tanner's newest one called "you're wearing THAT" --both deal a lot w mother/daughter issues. good luck
banjo
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Old 12-23-2006, 08:01 PM   #9
 
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My mom is exactly the same way--always overly critical. When I told her I was getting a divorce, she told me she couldn't imagine me being anything better than my ex-husband's wife . When your mom says something about your appearance, just smile and nod and then procede to do EXACTLY what YOU like and what makes YOU feel good. If I listened to my mom, I'd be brushing my hair and going out looking like a giant q-tip.

Laura
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Old 12-24-2006, 06:34 AM   #10
 
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My mum is uber critical of my hair. Mostly the color. I had very blond hair which of course, gradually darkened. She started coloring my hair in 8th grade - starting with frosting - yes I got made fun of. Every period in my life when I stop coloring my hair she makes a huge fuss and goes on and on about how it needs highlights. I have asked her multiple times to stop. I don't know what her problem is but I cant' stand it.

I understand and identify.
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Old 12-25-2006, 10:23 PM   #11
 
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Well, I ended up straightening it I just couldn't take the stares and insults anymore. it Is really sad that I'm glad that I live 7 hours away from my parents.

I still stayed away from cones and sulfates and didn't have to use a flat iron. I used tons of leave in condish though. It straightened really good with just a blow dryer and brush. doing it once was enough to last me for 4 days. Just to get me through the holiday so I don't "embarrass her". I got alot of compliments on it too which she loved of course so she could say I told you so.

But I have decided that i'm not doing it anymore. I just wasn't prepared for the insults about my curly hair. I was already feeling self-concious and she just made it worse. I told her I didn't want her opinion about the way I look anymore and I'd appreciate it if she couldn't say anything positive to keep it to herself. She cried of course and said I was being mean. I doubt she will ever stop so its going to have to be me that gets over it somehow.

Banjocurl-thanks for the book recs! I will try and pick those up!
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Old 12-26-2006, 07:08 AM   #12
 
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I totally know what you're going through! I went through a nightmare jobhunt, and all my mom could tell me was that nobody would hire me because of my hair...only people with short, straight bobs get jobs, apparently! She also told me I don't have a boyfriend because men look at me and can't get past my hair. When we went out recently, I got stopped three times by random strangers complimenting my hair...and she had something snide to say every time..."it looks wet" "it's too long", etc. Everybody seems to love my hair but her!

I read this article the other night...

So I found this article:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11132751/


Quote:
It is normal to want love and approval from your mother. Everybody does. If you get it when you are young, you internalize those feelings and need less validation when you grow up.

But if you don’t get it, you tend to replay her harsh, critical words in your head: Your hair looks awful. You shouldn’t wear jeans. Did you gain weight?

And you internalize that nagging, hectoring voice, so it becomes your own criticism of yourself.
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Old 12-27-2006, 01:54 PM   #13
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cgsamco
But I have decided that i'm not doing it anymore. I just wasn't prepared for the insults about my curly hair. I was already feeling self-concious and she just made it worse. I told her I didn't want her opinion about the way I look anymore and I'd appreciate it if she couldn't say anything positive to keep it to herself. She cried of course and said I was being mean. I doubt she will ever stop so its going to have to be me that gets over it somehow.
Good for you! When I read this the other day, I wasn't logged in so I didn't post, but was shocked your mom would do/say those things to you especially when I saw how old you are! Next time you go to her house, be sure you pull up this thread to give you reinforcements .

Do you have pics you can put of your hair? It sure helps to get feedback from us on here on what we think of your hair and I can guarantee it will make you feel better about your curly locks!
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Old 12-27-2006, 03:08 PM   #14
 
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Your mom was just trying to manipulate and guilt you when she cried after you expressed your feelings to her. She isn't going to change the way she acts. You don't have any control over the way she acts. The only thing you can control is the way you react to her. I know how difficult it is from personal experience. Lots of luck and take care-

Sherry
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Old 12-27-2006, 03:33 PM   #15
 
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Lavendercurls- I will post some pics this weekend. I haven't had a digital camera for a while. My husband's mom has it.

Thanks for the support girls!
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Old 12-28-2006, 01:37 PM   #16
 
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i totally know how you feel. My dad constantly tells me to straighten it, and wheb i say this is my natural hair he tells me that he's not stupid i just say i will straighten it and never do it
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Old 12-28-2006, 10:16 PM   #17
 
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curly52, I need to take your advice and just say ok and move on. Instead I always get upset and cry or yell I try and tell her its how my hair is and she says that's stupid! Its always been straight so keep it straight.

My dad likes it though. He says its dumb to spend all that time straightening it when it looks good curly But mom says he just doesn't know what looks good. sometimes I'd like to tell her what i think about her hair.

I went back to curly today and she said I'd better not wear it curly for my sister's and my cousin's wedding! If I didn't care what it looked like I could at least not embarrass them
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Old 12-28-2006, 10:51 PM   #18
 
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Thinking back I do understand how you feel really, really well because even at my age my mother can sometimes upset me A LOT. She's very critical too and apparently doesn't think of the effect her words have. And just like yours when I've snapped at her then she acts all hurt and plays the victim, so there's no winning with her! It's little wonder that I married an American and came to live hundreds of miles away from her! (And the rest of the family, one of my aunts - her sister - never had children yet she's the bossiest of all!). Every time she comes to visit or I go there sooner or later we end up butting heads, it's been a rare thing to have not!
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Old 12-29-2006, 01:33 AM   #19
 
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