Hair Haters Anonymous

My name is Christy, I'm 40 years old, and I hate my hair. I know I
should have outgrown this by now. After all, by this age I should be
able to accept my hair's limitations, but instead of getting easier,
it's getting harder. Here are things that I struggle with:

1) My hair is curly, but not curly enough. If I had a stronger curl
pattern, it would be easier to deal with my hair. Instead, my hair is
kind of wavy/curly, so it looks like messy straight hair rather than
truly curly hair.

2) My hair is getting harder to straighten as I get older. I don't have
more curl, just more stubborn curl. In other words, it takes more work
to make my hair look good than it used to, and I thought it should be
getting easier by this age.

3) My hair is getting frizzier as I get older. Even when I do get it
relatively straight, it frizzes really easily. It also frizzes when
curly, so I can't win.

4) I am allergic to at least one thing in all of the best curly hair
products I've tried. This means that if I wear my hair curly for more
than two days, my scalp and hairline will break out in massive pimples.
(This includes A/G Re:coil, all Devacurl products, and Ouidad Climate
Control gel) One more reason to straighten.

5) Straightening my hair is very damaging, particularly when done with
a straightening iron. Extra bad because I color my hair. But it looks
better---shiny, smooth, touchable. Sigh.

6) My hair looks better long. I just like it better long with my face,
but that means more time straightening.

7) Straightening all the time means I have to carry more stuff with me
when I travel. Shouldn't I just be able to wash my hair and go by now?
Oh, wait, that's for short-haired people. I'm screwed.

I need bangs. Try as I might to go without bangs, my face needs
them. Curly bangs look stupid with my curl pattern, because they look
like horns. I must straighten them.

9) It' not the 80s anymore. Big messy, frizzy hair with bangs was the
bomb when I was in college. Why can't we get that trend back?

10) I read somewhere that after 40 you can go without makeup if your
hair is perfect, and vice versa. This really messes up my vacation
theory. Aren't you supposed to be able to go on vacation with minimal
makeup and wash and go hair? Am I officially too old to get away with
this? Damn.

I don't know the 12 steps to recover from hating my hair. If you do,
please share them.
I don't either but I'll take a guess:

1) Don't let anyone else's opinion influence you about how you want to wear your hair.

2) Figure out a way to style your hair when it's curly (when weather is humid or wet). Then you won't feel insecure about swimming, going to the beach, etc.

3) Figure out a way to style your hair when you want it straight (there are many products out there now to help with this over the long term).

4) Stick to certain hair care rules: such as don't over shampoo, condition frequently. Especially with long hair. I have a friend with very long hair and she is CONSTANTLY putting conditioners in it, throughout the day. She has no split ends that I can see. Her hair appears effortless, but isn't.

5) Give up the idea that ANYTHING is effortless about beauty. Take a look at some backstage photos at runway shows. You'll probably see three stylists working on each model with a huge array of tools and substances to get their hair to look a certain way for five minutes on the catwalk. Beauty takes work, and style takes even more.

6) If you want curls one day and your curl pattern isn't strong, PINCURL it! Lorraine Massey even has this in her book for wavies "if you want a curlier look". Setting your hair to make it look more attractive is NOT cheating.

7) If you want straight hair, learn heat free ways to at least get it 90% dry (like wrapping), and then learn to blow dry and finish on cold or cool to close the cuticle and polish the hair without frying it. I recommend wrapping. It takes practice but is way worth it. Stay away from dryers and hot irons as much as possible.

Get your hair trimmed or styled regularly, by a good professional who does what you want them to (what you pay them for). Get the best cut you can afford. This is an investment. However remember you are still going to be your own stylist, so don't expect them to style it as well as you can learn to at home. Let them do the hard part, cutting and coloring. If you see new products at the salon, ask them if they will try them on you to see if you like them.

9) Stay current by reading magazines. Most hairstyles return again and again, with subtle changes to update them.

10) Take some photos of yourself when your hair looks good. Observe what you like/don't like about them and correct what it is you don't like.

11) Try new products. Hair products are constantly being updated with new things that may solve some problems.

12) Get a good diffuser (bowl) to dry curly hair, and practice using it.

That's my two cents anyway!
10) I read somewhere that after 40 you can go without makeup if your hair is perfect, and vice versa. This really messes up my vacation
theory. Aren't you supposed to be able to go on vacation with minimal
makeup and wash and go hair? Am I officially too old to get away with
this? Damn.
Originally Posted by csb
Well, I definitely wouldn't get hung up over #10. I don't think that's a widely known "rule" like "make only one feature the focal point of your makeup."

You could try getting your hair in really good condition by using protein treatments and accepting a couple weeks of bad hair days while you stop straightening. At the moment, I can't remember the names of the good protein treatments, but I'll post them when I do.

Also, try the Curly Girl method, which is popular on this site. Your hair will curl much better when it's moisturized. You can just use cheap products like Suave conditioner and LA Looks gel. Those probably won't break you out.

Maybe you should pm Jeepcurlygirl. She gets by with just conditioner and gel.
[quote="csb"]My name is Christy, I'm 40 years old, and I hate my hair. I know I
should have outgrown this by now. After all, by this age I should be
able to accept my hair's limitations, but instead of getting easier,
it's getting harder. Here are things that I struggle with:

1) I feel the same exact way! But there are ways to fix it:

2 &3) I dont think its your age that making your hair fussier, but maybe the products. What products are you currently using?

4) You might want to try Jessicurl. Her products are natural.
Another thing you might want to try are products that you make, such as flax seed gel, or honey as conditioner. Both of those methods are well beloved on this site. (and i know the honey sounds scarey, but its AWESOME)

5) "shiny, smooth, touchable" are all words that describe curl hair as well, but only if you take care of it.

6) If you want long hair, you can have long hair, and if you want to straighten, thats fine too. but only do it once and a while, because if you do it all the time your hair will start breaking off, and the length, gone.

7) "Shouldn't I just be able to wash my hair and go by now?"
Just because your older doesnt mean you can wash and go. No matter the age, your hair is going to rebel if you dont take care of it.

Many curly girls on this site have bangs and straighten them, and it looks great.

9)"Why can't we get that trend back?"
Because its scarey.

10) You do not need to worry about this. at all.


I strongly suggest the curly girl routine, as desrcibe in Lorraine Massey's book. CONDITON! CONDITION! CONDITION! curly hair needs moisture, and it doesnt sound like your giving it what it needs. if you stay with a consistant, moisturizing routine, your hair will be looking fab in no time.

2c/3a
Growing out hair to a little above bsl
pw: ringlets
all the extra frizz you've been seeing could be caused by all the damage you've done. A good routine can show results very quickly.

Have you ever done a S & D (search & distroy). Where you go through your hair 1 lock at a time and just trim off the split ends? it does wonders for the look and feel of long hair without losing length.

I will also recommend 2 more sites where you can get long hair advice

http://longhairloom.com/

and

http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/

both are good sites where you can get lots of info, and support for having long hair.
Just throwing this out there...have you tried or considered thermal straightening? If you really prefer your hair straight, I think it would be worth the cost.

I've tried all the products & methods listed above, and my hair is still not, shall we say, my best feature. You cross posted on the 40s forum, and that's another thing...we start getting a mixture of hair textures and things are in the process of changing, so what worked before doesn't necessarily work anymore. It's darn aggravating, is what it is. I'm totally for low-maintenance when it comes to grooming, and I've thought long and hard about thermal relaxing. If your hair is in pretty good condition and a stick-straight look suits you...why not?
formerly Castella
(my dogs aren't snarly, my hair is)
Yay! I think Boticelli Venus has made good points. I'd prefer to think of it as hair "obsession" rather than hair "hating". I'm not sure obsession is better, but hate is such a strong word. We ALL want what we feel we can't have, that's human nature. Find your hair's strengths and play them up
*CG for wavies. Type 2/3ab mix.
(overgrown) Inverted bob.
*Conditioner - VO5, Oyin, Goth Rosary
*Gel - Origins, Jessicurl or Lush
*Lo-Poo - Carols Daughter
Thanks for all the feedback. I should point out that I am not a newbie either to curly hair or to this site. I have tried Jessicurl, the no frangrance ones, and had the most God-awful reaction to her products with huge cyst-like pimples. I do regular DTs and also, when I go curly, use accepted products by this site's standards (Devacurl Low Poo, One C, Re:coil, and Angell). My problem is that I am now having reactions to these products, as well. I don't know if my skin is going through a super-sensitive phase or what, but I can't find any products that work that don't cause massive breakouts. Most of the products for curlies that have fewer problematic ingredients are chock-full of propylene glycol, which is a major frizz-inducer for me.

As between bad hair and bad skin, I guess I'd rather have bad or damaged hair. It just irritates me that this seems to be my only option.
Have you thought of going to see a dermatologist? You could explain what is happening with your skin and scalp with these products and maybe they could help you with why you are having such a reaction. I am also over forty and have hated my hair for as long as I can remember. I have bangs and have just stopped straightening them about 2 months ago, so they are just sort of curly. They have to be retrained since I had been straightening them for so long. But I agree with Castella and think you should look into thermal straightening,if you really like your hair straight.
I should be clearer: Stick stright is not my best look, either. I need some fullness because I have a thin, long face. I am currently using velcro rollers on my hair, and that gives me the combination of fullness and smoothness that works for me. The problems are: 1) on humid days, I get a bunch of frizz; 2) I know it is damaging to my hair; and 3) it takes a lot more work and tools than I would prefer for weekends and vacations.

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