Fiance isn't a fan of the curls.

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Well, there are men - of all ages - and there are boys - of all ages. A man - who loves his woman - does not make her feel bad about herself. And certainly not over her hair, for heaven's sake. Maybe some people have not experienced suffering and tragedy in their lives. It kind of puts in perspective what is really important. If the OP's b/f dislikes her hair that much, he should find a barbie doll with straight hair. Her hair is part of who she is.

Also, the whole "maybe his ex had curly hair, and you remind him of her..." idea doesn't hold water. She has two arms and legs, like the last woman (I'm assuming), so that must remind him of her too, right? People are individuals, even though we have similarities. Relationships are more than "hair', and if he's locked up in the mind because his fiance has curly hair like his ex, then it's time to ask why he's stuck and won't move on.

Good luck, OP.
Originally Posted by Ninjarette

Ok, I agree with the second half of that. But actually, negative association DOES hold water. I'm not saying it makes what he's doing OK, not at all. In fact I'd say it may even ADD to the issues.

The "she has two arms and legs" point isn't valid here. Unless there is a case of abnormality or injury, we all have 2 arms and legs. We DON'T all have curly hair. There is a possiblity that an association is being made BECAUSE of that.

I had a student once who was afraid of one of my staff members. Finally after talking to her about it she realized that it was because he reminded her of her step dad. Once she realized that, she was over it.

Another example, my mother HATES my auburn/red hair. It's a big part of why I used to dye it blonde or brown for years. A few years ago she realized her sister (whom she had a falling out with years ago and they haven't spoken since) uesd to dye her hair a similar color. Once she realized she was making that negative association, she got a lot better about it.

Several years ago I had a friend who wanted to set me up with her friend, but he refused to go out with me because he had a "no redhead policy" - he had had his heart broken by one. (Fine by me - clearly he had issues! HAHA!)

That may not be what's at work here, for sure, but I threw it out as a possible cause or contributing factor, in the hopes it might help the OP in some way. Maybe if that WERE the cause, the OP's fiance would have the same reaction - realize and acknowledge that association and it changes his perspective. (I suspect it's more likely an immature, controlling nature, however, but one never knows.)

Yes people are individuals, but that doesn't mean that everyone - consciously or not - follows that line of thinking.

In the end, it doesn't really matter what the cause is - it's not acceptable to tell someone "change this thing about your appearance for me". I hope the OP will address this issue and I hope it resolves!
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Well, there are men - of all ages - and there are boys - of all ages. A man - who loves his woman - does not make her feel bad about herself. And certainly not over her hair, for heaven's sake. Maybe some people have not experienced suffering and tragedy in their lives. It kind of puts in perspective what is really important. If the OP's b/f dislikes her hair that much, he should find a barbie doll with straight hair. Her hair is part of who she is.
Originally Posted by Myrna
HERE HERE, Myrna!!!
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I dont think its the same as getting a wax or wearing lingerie. How would you feel - using your analogy of the wax - if your guy said he didnt like your genital area au natural, and said he thought you should wax it because he didnt like it unwaxed? How would you feel if he said he did not think you were sexy unless you wore lingerie? Anyway, she did say his attitude made her feel "very, very unattractive", and that is the bottom line; she doesnt need to feel unattractive because he needs to grow up and stop being controlling. The issue here is the difference between choosing to do something that you think will please your guy, versus feeling forced or obligated to do so.
Originally Posted by Myrna
Myrna, It IS the same thing as a wax. My SO thinks I'm attractive down there but prefers everything "cleaned up". I do it 3 or 4 times a year, waxing is an enchantment of my sexuality like wearing lingerie and makeup. Strengthening your hair every now and then to make you self more attractive to SO isn't s huge deal!! He never called her ugly or unattractive with curls, just a preference for it straightened, like when they meet.

Have none of you ever said to your SO, shave your beard before we go to... I have. I want, NEED, my SO to be clean shaven before we go to see my parents. He does it monday-friday and generally doesn't on the weekends. I think he looks much more attractive clean shaven and he knows it. Plus I hate kissing him when his face is scratchy. I've also instructed him "it's time for a hair cut" or "let me trim your bangs". Even if he went bald or grew out a full beard I would still love him but I would prefer a full head of hair cut just so and a clean shave.

He never said, go get a chemical treatment, never wear it curly or that Chrystal looked ugly. He hurt your feeling and you should probably let him know. But why not. When you shower it will spring back up the same way makeup washed off
First off, the fiance doesn't have to like the OP's hair. But attempts to make her feel unattractive/ugly, because her hair grows curly, should raise a red flag. That's my concern here - not to mention he seems a bit controlling with the "only wear your hair curly 20% o the time". Where did he get that number?
Originally Posted by Ninjarette
^^this is exactly what stood out to me. Everyone has preferences; however, he shouldn't put her down/make her feel bad just because she doesn't do her hair the way he likes it.
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MK - but you CHOOSE to get waxes. You feel it enhances your sexuality. It's not your SO saying "wax, bc you are unattractive without it". Maybe your SO has expressed a preference for that, but it has apparently not been done in such a way that you feel obligated or negative about yourself, etc.

The OP, however, does. I think the two situations are different. You said you do it 3-4 times a year - he's telling her to do it 80% of the time, and that sounded like his COMPROMISE. And, he's making her feel "very unattractive". So that's why it's a problem. Enough of one that she felt the need to seek out advice on this forum!

Clearly it bothers her, and therefore she should address it!
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There are men who think an au natural genital area is unacceptable. I wonder: when did it become acceptable or required, for grown women to appear to be pre-*****cent? Sorry, MK, it is not the same. What if your SO demanded that you wax your genitals? what if he demanded you wax your legs, your underarms? what if he said, you know, I think you'd look so much better with bigger breasts - I want you to consider getting implants?? MK, what you choose as a woman, to do with your own body, is yours to decide. Her fiance was wanting to control how she wore her hair, and made her feel bad in the process. What if you started feeling ashamed of your private area, because it was not waxed? How do you think that would impact your sexuality, and your sexual relationship with your SO? Just sayin'. I notice we have not heard from the OP. I am feeling bad about that.
I feel bad, too! I hope she knows that we are just trying to have her back!!
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Lo-poo - Renpure Keratin, SMR, Giovanni SaS
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LI - SMR, Cure Care, or RO
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DT - + honey, ACV, & EVOO to SM masque & GVPCB
PT - Gelatin!, CNPF
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Ok, I agree with the second half of that. But actually, negative association DOES hold water. I'm not saying it makes what he's doing OK, not at all. In fact I'd say it may even ADD to the issues.

The "she has two arms and legs" point isn't valid here. Unless there is a case of abnormality or injury, we all have 2 arms and legs. We DON'T all have curly hair. There is a possiblity that an association is being made BECAUSE of that.

I had a student once who was afraid of one of my staff members. Finally after talking to her about it she realized that it was because he reminded her of her step dad. Once she realized that, she was over it.

Another example, my mother HATES my auburn/red hair. It's a big part of why I used to dye it blonde or brown for years. A few years ago she realized her sister (whom she had a falling out with years ago and they haven't spoken since) uesd to dye her hair a similar color. Once she realized she was making that negative association, she got a lot better about it.

Several years ago I had a friend who wanted to set me up with her friend, but he refused to go out with me because he had a "no redhead policy" - he had had his heart broken by one. (Fine by me - clearly he had issues! HAHA!)

That may not be what's at work here, for sure, but I threw it out as a possible cause or contributing factor, in the hopes it might help the OP in some way. Maybe if that WERE the cause, the OP's fiance would have the same reaction - realize and acknowledge that association and it changes his perspective. (I suspect it's more likely an immature, controlling nature, however, but one never knows.)

Yes people are individuals, but that doesn't mean that everyone - consciously or not - follows that line of thinking.

In the end, it doesn't really matter what the cause is - it's not acceptable to tell someone "change this thing about your appearance for me". I hope the OP will address this issue and I hope it resolves!
Originally Posted by Jas76
You get sarcasm...that's what that was.

The point is there may always be something about someone that reminds them of a past relationship. The student being afraid of a co-worker doesn't apply here, because she wasn't in a relationship with the guy...and afraid of him in spite of it.

If you're (anybody) ready to move on, then you move past that. that's the bottom line. If you'd (anybody) rather continue with the faulty association, go ahead...but don't bring another person into that mess. My last boyfriend wasn't a good one, and he wore Kangol hats. But I don't raise a barrier to every man who wears them.

I never said people don't associate certain things with certain people, but no that doesn't hold water. You don't get a pass to demean me, because your ex had some similar physical characteristic. That's just like people who write off an entire race of people, because they had one bad experience. No, that doesn't fly with me...and they need to get over it, or go where there are only people like them.

So, we'll just have to respectfully disagree on this one.
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Last edited by Ninjarette; 06-18-2012 at 09:31 PM.
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Last edited by wavymom; 06-19-2012 at 09:47 AM.
I am sorry, but I am still having a problem with this. Maybe because I am older than most of you curlies on the site, and when you age, you know that we are all mortal, and our once perfect bodies are going to bag, sag, gain or lose weight, etc. Thank G-d you dont have to lose your hair because you have to have chemotherapy; Ill bet the husband or fiance or boyfriend would LOVE your curls if you lost your hair, G-d forbid, due to this terrible disease. I guess I feel, if he doesnt like your curls - tough. He should man up and realize that you have curly hair, period. In ten years, you may be unhappy he is losing his hair, but I bet you dont make him feel bad about something he cannot help. Our society has such superficial values sometimes it is very disturbing to me.
You get sarcasm...that's what that was.

The point is there may always be something about someone that reminds them of a past relationship. The student being afraid of a co-worker doesn't apply here, because she wasn't in a relationship with the guy...and afraid of him in spite of it.

If you're (anybody) ready to move on, then you move past that. that's the bottom line. If you'd (anybody) rather continue with the faulty association, go ahead...but don't bring another person into that mess. My last boyfriend wasn't a good one, and he wore Kangol hats. But I don't raise a barrier to every man who wears them.

I never said people don't associate certain things with certain people, but no that doesn't hold water. You don't get a pass to demean me, because your ex had some similar physical characteristic. That's just like people who write off an entire race of people, because they had one bad experience. No, that doesn't fly with me...and they need to get over it, or go where there are only people like them.

So, we'll just have to respectfully disagree on this one.
Originally Posted by Ninjarette
I think you misunderstand - I am in NO WAY saying it's ok. I'm saying it is NOT ok. I was just saying the "theory", if you will, that it could be caused by negative association does hold water. It does not make it any better, it just might be the cause. (I thought I made that clear?)

My student who was afraid of a staff member does apply within the context - I cited that, my experience with my mother, and my (non)experience with a guy as examples of negative association.

So I don't think we disagree on the main point - its wrong how he's treating her! (again, I thought I made that clear??). I was just offering up a possible why. Just because you or I wouldn't do that, doesn't mean someone else wouldn't.

Of course I got food poisoning the first time I ever had sushi - never been able to eat it since! Lol!
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I think you misunderstand - I am in NO WAY saying it's ok. I'm saying it is NOT ok. I was just saying the "theory", if you will, that it could be caused by negative association does hold water. It does not make it any better, it just might be the cause. (I thought I made that clear?)

My student who was afraid of a staff member does apply within the context - I cited that, my experience with my mother, and my (non)experience with a guy as examples of negative association.

So I don't think we disagree on the main point - its wrong how he's treating her! (again, I thought I made that clear??). I was just offering up a possible why. Just because you or I wouldn't do that, doesn't mean someone else wouldn't.

Of course I got food poisoning the first time I ever had sushi - never been able to eat it since! Lol!
Originally Posted by Jas76
No, I didn't misunderstand...you did. My point is it doesn't matter "why" he's doing what he's doing. Your co-worker example is a general illustration of how we can form negative associations. Great. I get that. I understand that. But for ME, it's not a point to stay on. For you, it may be. No, everybody doesn't think like me, and they don't have to.

We can speculate forever on "why" he's doing what he's doing. But it's only speculation. We don't know, and for me, the solutions are the same, regardless of the reasons. It's not my problem if someone associates kinky hair with "bad" or "fear", or whatever. That's their problem, and they need to handle it. Or, they need to find someone who doesn't cause a negative association. But they don't get to cut up.

Only the OP needs to figure his reasons, if she wants to do that. I never said you said it was "okay' to treat the OP that way. I posted a long reply, and the part about negative association not flying with me was just a small part of it.

Last reply on this, because I've said all I need to say, and I think I was very clear. I'm out.
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Last edited by Ninjarette; 06-18-2012 at 11:14 PM.
Yeah, I'm out to, because you are arguing the same thing as me.

I said repeatedly it was just a theory, and that it didn't matter why, and that it was not right. So I'm not getting why you are attacking me or getting so angry over it.

But whatever. I can't get worked up over things I can't control.

My only reason for posting here was to try to help the OP, and to give her some support.

I know better than to ever voice an opinion on this forum - I'll be sticking to hair for now on.


Good luck, OP! Hope it works out and you find happiness! Stand up for yourself!

Go get 'em, Myrna!!
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If he is associating the hair with his ex-girlfriend, I think Jas makes a good point that talking about why he dislikes curly hair might help him see curly hair more positively. It helped two of the people in her examples get over their irrational feelings when they realized why they felt that way.

It isn't ok for one partner to make the other feel bad about their appearance. OP, you have the right to feel good about the way you look, and the people who love you should respect the choices you make.
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Last edited by rainboe; 06-19-2012 at 04:18 PM.
Does he have bad memories of his relationship with his ex? Maybe your curls remind him of his time with her and that's why he doesn't like your hair curly.


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Originally Posted by Rustina
This is exactly what I was going to say. I couldn't stand my fiance's head buzzed too short because a guy I knew with buzzed hair tried to force himself on me. Prior to that, I didn't have any hang-ups with his head shaved that low. However, I've slowly gotten used to it, and it isn't really a big deal anymore.

And like the other ladies here, I suggest you talk with him about it to find out the root of the problem (no pun intended).
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That's crazy! How can a man be prepared to love you forever if he can't even accept how you are naturally?

I don't care if he has a trauma from his ex or not, he should get over it and stop making you pay for it.

Although this is a very good example of why girls should wear their hair naturally and not get people used to seeing them a different way (at least not ALL the time, once in a while it can be refreshing)
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Last edited by LauraWolfhart; 06-19-2012 at 06:29 PM.
He likes to drive with the windows down, which as a curly with picky hair, that's a big no-no, and he hates that too.
Originally Posted by ChrystalR88
ChrystalR88, I saw this post and thought of you. Hope it helps.
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Last edited by wavymom; 06-19-2012 at 11:18 PM.
where is the OP? i wanna see how this all turned out!
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Originally Posted by wavymom
Great article! Also, I pull the whole Jackie O silk scarf and big sunglasses thing. The silk scarf over my still crunchy curls keeps them from frizzing, and then I just scrunch out the crunch when we arrive.
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