Being forced to straighten my hair!?! - Page 3

Sacatosh · 11-28-2012, 04:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wavyshibby

Well I talked to my parents. Long story short, my dad prefers my hair straight and he wanted something fancy and formal for the holidays. He threatened to take away my permit after I became indignant about leaving it curly, as he felt that I "owed" him. He believes that if I really loved him I would sacrifice my convictions for his just to prove that I love him. I say this is selfish and that there are better ways to say "I love you" than self sacrifice, as it just seems like an immature and unnecessary way to me. Needless to say, We disagree. He says he won't hold it against me, but that he'll "always remember" that I didn't do this one thing for him and he is dissapointed in me that I didn't comply with his wishes.

I'd rather be a person of merit who stands by her convictions than one who forgoes personal beliefs in order to please others. If he's dissapointed in that well...I can't change that. I'll always remember that.

Well done!! I think you handled this extremely maturely, and as others have said, it's a fantastic small stepping stone to being a woman who doesn't allow anyone to manipulate or bully her.

I am 40 and 15 feels like yesterday. My dad and I had many clashes over my hair, as I was a weirdo goth kid and wanted it shaved underneath and dyed black. My dad hit the roof one day when I walked out with a purple temporary wash-in, and it got ugly. My mom also was totally unreasonable.

Years later, they both said they had NO idea why they reacted the way they did, but they had other severe pressures at the time and they felt out of control in other areas and I was rebelling and they just didn't cope well. They apologized for not picking their battles better, and for making a big deal out of the dumb little things. That was a very healing conversation, and I hope you and your dad have one someday too.

My dad died 11 months ago, and over the last 20 years we had become very close. He and I were so similar, and when we both got our stubborn streak started up, it was never good. But in the end, we loved each other and more importantly we respected each other immensely. He was so incredibly proud of the adult I've become, and that is something I cherish as I grieve. He was my biggest fan, and truly believed I could do anything.

On one hand, parents are parents and they do stupid stuff just like we all do. On the other hand, you are learning to set boundaries and enforce them. That is POWERFUL stuff to know in life. As a woman in this world, it's arguably the most powerful thing you can learn. And one day, your dad will realize and respect that you are successful in life because you learned the power of your own voice.

Good for you. Don't ever let anyone take away that power by manipulation, bullying, or any other means. It's a major key to lifelong happiness, and I'm glad you're learning it now. :-)

tricello · 11-28-2012, 06:52 AM

WRT convictions and compromise – curly hair isn’t a conviction for me. We just had a really hot summerand all that time spent on straightening my hair was going to waste in the heat– 10 minutes outside and my hair ballooned up and looked terrible. So I looked around on the internet for a solution and found a picture of Rhianna rocking big curly hair at a Knicks game and fell in love with the look. So if my boyfriend asked me to straighten my hair for a formal event, I could see compromising on it. But that is myboyfriend. I expect that a bf/gf relationship has a physical component to it –and appearance is part of that. However, I wouldn’t expect that from my dad. And I would think it is odd – and by odd, I mean inappropriate – that my dad cared *that* much about rather minor variations in my appearance that it became a bargaining chip for other things.

Jas76 · 11-28-2012, 07:42 AM

Tricello - it's one thing for someone to ask, another for them to demand and then manipulate/threaten/punish if you say no!

Sacotosh - beautifully put!!! Thanks for sharing that touching story, and do sorry to hear about your dad!!

tricello · 11-28-2012, 08:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jas76

Tricello - it's one thing for someone to ask, another for them to demand and then manipulate/threaten/punish if you say no!

ITA but my point was more that I would find it (sexually) inappropriate if my dad was all into my hair that way.

Jas76 · 11-28-2012, 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tricello

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jas76

Tricello - it's one thing for someone to ask, another for them to demand and then manipulate/threaten/punish if you say no!

ITA but my point was more that I would find it (sexually) inappropriate if my dad was all into my hair that way.

Yikes - yes, I can see that as a point, too, now that you mention it that directly. IDK whether that's the case with the OP or not, however, but it makes an interesting and valid general point.

tambalina · 11-28-2012, 05:21 PM

My mantra, that I picked up from another hair board is:

"I am not here to decorate YOUR world!"

There is no earthly reason that you should look any other way than the way that makes YOU feel good about being YOU. End of story.

mollym · 11-28-2012, 10:32 PM

I know I haven't really participated in this thread, but it so strongly reminded of an amazing quote that I decided to share. It's Jada Pinkett Smith's response to those who criticize her "parenting skills" in reference to how Willow is given independence over her hair:

"This subject is old but I have never answered it in its entirety. And even with this post it will remain incomplete. The question why I would LET Willow cut her hair. First the LET must be challenged. This is a world where women, girls are constantly reminded that they don’t belong to themselves; that their bodies are not their own, nor their power or self determination. I made a promise to endow my little girl with the power to always know that her body, spirit and her mind are HER domain. Willow cut her hair because her beauty, her value, her worth is not measured by the length of her hair. It’s also a statement that claims that even little girls have the RIGHT to own themselves and should not be a slave to even their mother’s deepest insecurities, hopes and desires. Even little girls should not be a slave to the preconceived ideas of what a culture believes a little girl should be."

This really resonated with me. I have never been in conflict with my parents over my hair, but my parents (esp. my father) have a habit of body-shaming (almost slut-shaming) me when I wear tighter shirts, or ones that show a little bit of cleavage. I do know that they love me, and want to "protect" me I suppose, but I personally don't feel that it is immoral to wear clothes that fit my body the way it was made, as opposed to hiding it. So I do.

I apologize for straying a little off-topic there; anyway, this has been a very thought-provoking thread, and I thank everyone for sharing, especially the OP -- I think the way you handled the situation is fantastic and highly commendable.

Cubanwavy · 11-28-2012, 11:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jas76

I don't mean to be rude about your father - I'm sure you love him and e loves you, very much.

But this is very concerning and angering to me. As a mother, and as a teacher of kids (mainly girls) your age, I find what he's doing rude and frankly manipulative and borderline abusive.

Again, I don't mean to offend you, but this is over the line.

I had my husband read your OP (also a teacher), and he rolled his eyes and said "that's awful."

I wish I had further advice for you, and I swear I'll stop posting on here - LOL! - but I just had to let you know that.

Hang in there, Hun!

I agree with Jas that what you father is doing is borderline abusive.

Is there anything else he is blackmailing you to do?

So very sorry.

Cubanwavy · 11-28-2012, 11:11 PM

I agree with Knotty Maddy:

A lesson in genetics seems to be in order here. Thank dad for the 'X' chromosome that might have given you the curls!

Calber · 11-29-2012, 04:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cubanwavy

I agree with Knotty Maddy:

A lesson in genetics seems to be in order here. Thank dad for the 'X' chromosome that might have given you the curls!

Ha! I can actually imagine his face if she thanked him... :-))

Wavyshibby · 11-29-2012, 05:19 PM

Thank you to all those who replied and who took the time out of their day to give advice and to share personal stories. Everyone has been so helpful.

I think I learned a lot from the experience and from this thread, especially the part about emotional blackmailing. I never knew what it was called but I realize it happens a lot. I think that this whole thing has really opened my eyes and allowed me to become a better person though. So thank you all

Jas76 · 11-29-2012, 07:12 PM

Good for you, Wavy!!! Sounds like you are an amazing girl, and will grow up to be an amazing woman!!

Good luck to you!! KUP on any updates!

jeepcurlygurl · 11-29-2012, 07:25 PM

This is a wonderful thread and topic. Such smart and thoughtful answers.
The one thing still left niggling at my brain is that for some reason curly hair isn't good or pretty or professional or fancy or formal or wonderful or stylish or worth having. It makes me sad that otherwise rational people feel that way.

Calber · 11-30-2012, 01:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeepcurlygurl

This is a wonderful thread and topic. Such smart and thoughtful answers.
The one thing still left niggling at my brain is that for some reason curly hair isn't good or pretty or professional or fancy or formal or wonderful or stylish or worth having. It makes me sad that otherwise rational people feel that way.

I agree! I had to reprogram my thinking about the so called "social acceptable" straight hair, versus going out with my "nappy" hair as the almighty made it! I get the approving stares and I also get the frowns. Can't please everybody, but I am pleased so there :-p

kurlygurly · 12-07-2012, 11:13 PM

I'm not sure if anyone suggested you wet set your hair so that it can be straightened without heat or damage.

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Myrna · 12-08-2012, 02:10 AM

That was and is not the point. The point was that her father was way out of line, and that she needed to start NOW to refuse to please him or any man who is controlling.

bobby · 12-08-2012, 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeepcurlygurl

This is a wonderful thread and topic. Such smart and thoughtful answers.
The one thing still left niggling at my brain is that for some reason curly hair isn't good or pretty or professional or fancy or formal or wonderful or stylish or worth having. It makes me sad that otherwise rational people feel that way.

Jeep, I don't get it either why the corporate world has poisoned people to think curls are not pretty or professional. As a guy the problem has only been worse but when I reached the age 35 I pretty much stopping caring what people think.

I'm not saying this young lady's father is a bad person but his manipulative behavior gives a bad name to men as a whole.

Myrna · 12-08-2012, 11:45 AM

Right, and my point is that once a woman, even a young woman, starts to "appease" a man, appeasing his controllling behavior, that is, even if he IS her father, she will continue to do so, and that sets her up to accept abuse.

CurlzGurl99 · 12-08-2012, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wavyshibby

My father is forcing me to straighten my hair for Christmas when I really don't want to. I told him no and he said he will not let me get my permit (im 15) if I don't straighten it, and he's completely serious. I finally got to the point where I'm ready to not touch the flat iron ever again, to get my hair healthy, and embrace the curly hair on every occasion because I'm uncomfortable with it all straight. I told him this but he is adamant and I am stubborn. What do I do

Girl, if I were you, i would stand my ground. It's your hair, he can't threaten you with you not getting your permit. Over Thanksgiving, my mother wanted me to straighten my hair and i fought with her. I won, of course (it sounded better in my head) and i did my hair natural. All i can say is give him the reasons why. You worked hard to keep it this way, and flat ironing it is bad for your hair. tell him about heat damage and how its irreversible. And if you're uncomfortable with it straight, you should tell him. You should be comfy on a holiday like Christmas. If your dad has a problem with it, it's his problem, not yours.

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Happy Holidays!

kurlygurly · 12-08-2012, 12:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Myrna

That was and is not the point. The point was that her father was way out of line, and that she needed to start NOW to refuse to please him or any man who is controlling.

I'm not sure if you were referring to me but I do believe you were. I understand that what her father is doing is totally wrong and quite abusive. I, however, was trying to give her an alternative. She's 15 so its not like she didn't need him for other things and that she might, in the end, do as he says. Therefore, I was suggesting something that may be a healthier alternative for her.

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