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-   -   Being forced to straighten my hair!?! (http://www.naturallycurly.com/curltalk/general-discussion-about-curly-hair/152283-being-forced-straighten-my-hair.html)

Wavyshibby 11-25-2012 10:20 AM

Being forced to straighten my hair!?!
 
My father is forcing me to straighten my hair for Christmas when I really don't want to. I told him no and he said he will not let me get my permit (im 15) if I don't straighten it, and he's completely serious. I finally got to the point where I'm ready to not touch the flat iron ever again, to get my hair healthy, and embrace the curly hair on every occasion because I'm uncomfortable with it all straight. I told him this but he is adamant and I am stubborn. What do I do

prentonne 11-25-2012 10:58 AM

Wear a bun. That way you compromise.

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dianemary126 11-25-2012 11:24 AM

:( im sorry your father ismt respecting your desire to wear your hair how you'd like for Christmas. That is so mean! I would say maybe do a cute half up half down style or a bun like suggested that way u dont have to use heat. It is a compromise, thats pretty fair to me.

Jessiebanana 11-25-2012 11:34 AM

Wow, I'm so sorry. That is really weird (and I'm being nice here) behavior on part of your father. It's bad enough society tells us there is a narrow standard of beauty, but no one should have to hear that from a parent. As a minor you really only have a couple choices. You can take a stand for your individuality and forgo driving until you no longer need his permission or you can bow to his unreasonable wishes until your an adult. It sucks, but if he isn't responding to conversation you're kind of stuck.

Is there an adult who can reason with him on your behalf?

Wavyshibby 11-25-2012 12:02 PM

Thank you for all your suggestions. My father isn't usually overbearing like this. He has never came down so hard on something so unreasonable before. But I am a stubborn person, and I think I may choose to wear it curly, but not really because I like it curly but for the principle of the matter. To say that I am no longer a little kid and while you still have much control over my life, I have to have control over something, and my body is mine and what I do with it is my own choice.

Is this a bad idea? I'm really not sure how to handle this like a mature coherent person and not come across as a spiteful rebellious teenager who doesn't know how to pick her own battles.

Jas76 11-25-2012 12:57 PM

I think you are already handling this pretty maturely for someone so young. It's one thing if you wanted to dye your hair blue before the family photo, but to tell you you can't wear it in its natural state - this sends a poor message. And I'm sorry for that.

Have you asked him why he feels so strongly about this? Or maybe the answer doesn't matter.

I think you could calmly say "I have thought about what you said, and though I respect your authority, I have chosen to wear my hair natural because I feel more comfortable. If you feel you still need to withhold my permit, that's of course your right to do so. Please understand I dont meant any disrespect, and I understand that you don't like how I look with curly hair, but it's what I have and I prefer not to change my appearance to please someone else - not even my father. I hope you will try to understand."

Of course put that in your own words! Lol!

Btw, you have beautiful curls, and I'm glad you are proud of your natural self!

If you do decide to straighten it, I would pull it back while damp into a tight twisted bun, and let it dry that way. (sleep overnight, even.). Then you can brush/blow dry the rest in the morning and it should be close to straight.

That's IF you decide to - which is totally your choice. No right or wrong answer here.

etos 11-25-2012 01:05 PM

oh my god, I suddenly feel how my life was when I was that age. Things like that are getting beter when you get older and can make your own desicions!

Maybe you can try if it's okay when you wear your hair up, in a messy bun? You can make something very nice if you just stick some bobby pins in your hair and leave some of the curls in front of your face out of it?

You can also tell your dad that you think it's like he doesn't think you are beautiful, or even accepted just how you naturally are. I think it's quite insulting to say that you have to change something about the way you look!

Jas76 11-25-2012 01:08 PM

Yeah, I'm sorry, but what message does that send? What of some BOY told you to change how you looked?? Said he'd break up with you of you didn't?? How would your dad feel??

Sorry... Probably best not to throw that in your dad's face in that blunt of a manner. ;) But I do think he's out of line here. Maybe he'll see that. What does your mom think of this situation??

Wavyshibby 11-25-2012 01:30 PM

Thank you all for your wonder suggestions and kind words. My mother just thinks I should do it to make him happy-she doesn't see what the big deal is. I love my curls. They are not uncontrollably big or frizzy or unkempt, they are shiny and soft and healthy and most importantly they're me. I don't know what he has against my hair but my extended family (who I will see on Christmas) LOVES my natural hair and they like that I wear it curly. It's not that I don't want to make him (and my mother) happy-I just don't want to compromise my happiness and self esteem in order to please other people, including my family.

danman 11-25-2012 02:22 PM

I have problems accessing the hansraj :)
 
I have problems and I guess I'm the same hansraj

Jas76 11-25-2012 04:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wavyshibby (Post 2075877)
Thank you all for your wonder suggestions and kind words. My mother just thinks I should do it to make him happy-she doesn't see what the big deal is. I love my curls. They are not uncontrollably big or frizzy or unkempt, they are shiny and soft and healthy and most importantly they're me. I don't know what he has against my hair but my extended family (who I will see on Christmas) LOVES my natural hair and they like that I wear it curly. It's not that I don't want to make him (and my mother) happy-I just don't want to compromise my happiness and self esteem in order to please other people, including my family.

This is very mature for a 15 year old to say and think! Your father should focus on that, and not on the shape of your hair!

Good luck whatever you decide - and do keep us posted in how the conversation goes!!

Roswenthe 11-25-2012 05:33 PM

You could also put together some research about how straightening damages hair, and not only hair, but it can damage the skin underneath. Brazilian blowouts also release formaldehyde. They're not safe for anyone, in my opinion.

Something that always stuck with me was Chris Rock's documentary on hair. He does an experiment where they stick a coke can in the straightener chemical. It melts it--totally, and in 24 hours or so. If you can find it, maybe ask him to watch it before you continue the discussion.

I'm sorry your dad is so against your natural hair. I think you are taking a very mature approach to it, and while he may sound serious, he might not actually hold your permit hostage for it.

bobby 11-25-2012 06:08 PM

Not that this makes you feel any better but if I were your father "keeping" your lovely curls is the only way you get your permit.:) That is jacked up that he is taking that approach.

Wavyshibby 11-26-2012 04:46 PM

I talked to my mother. She was trying to guilt me into it, saying how he gives me everything and she's annoyed that I can't do this one thing to make him happy. She just rolled her eyes when I said that I'm not going to do it because I'm not going to succumb to other peoples' perception of beauty. She just laughed; she doesn't understand what it means to me.

This whole thing just kind of gets me down :/ but thanks to everyone who listened and agreed that it's not just me this time, my parents really are being whack :D

asianrunner 11-26-2012 05:13 PM

What is his reasoning?? That is really strange.

Ericachristina 11-26-2012 05:48 PM

You got some good advice thus far If you have tried to reason with them and they are not listening to you then you should wear your hair however you prefer, you are old enough to make those types of choices for yourself.

parents are not always right even though some pretend they are. Your parents are sending you a very poor message about accepting yourself just the way you are by not accepting your hair the way it is and they should be proud of you! After all they are the ones that you inherited your natural curls from in the first place!
It is great that you understand your father isn't right to ask you this. Even if he doesn't know any better it is very impressive that you do.

MojoDojo 11-26-2012 05:59 PM

I think you're taking a mature stand. You love it curly, it's you, and you shouldn't have to compromise yourself over what others think. And your hair is gorgeous so I really don't see his problem.

I would do a nice updo so he doesn't equate curly hair with hair that's not 'done'. It might do a lot to prove your point.

Maybe pin back most of your hair and leave some nice face-framing pieces out (maybe finger-curl them so they look neater)?

Wavyshibby 11-26-2012 07:32 PM

Thanks for the reassurance. I never stand up to my parents, but then again this is something that really hits me deep because now they want to change something that is a part of me just because it's what they want. I don't like dissapointing them or making them angry, but just because I'm their child doesn't mean I don't have rights too, right?

Asianrunner, his reasoning is simply that he prefers my hair straight. He thinks it makes me look prettier, more presentable, and that its just overall superior to my curls. He said (about the refusing to let me get my permit-and I quote) " If you don't do something I really want then I wont give you something you really want, see how it feels". I knew he preferred my hair straight, but I had no idea how extreme his preference went...

Jas76 11-26-2012 09:17 PM

I don't mean to be rude about your father - I'm sure you love him and e loves you, very much.

But this is very concerning and angering to me. As a mother, and as a teacher of kids (mainly girls) your age, I find what he's doing rude and frankly manipulative and borderline abusive.

Again, I don't mean to offend you, but this is over the line.

I had my husband read your OP (also a teacher), and he rolled his eyes and said "that's awful."

I wish I had further advice for you, and I swear I'll stop posting on here - LOL! - but I just had to let you know that.

Hang in there, Hun!

bobby 11-27-2012 01:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wavyshibby (Post 2076668)
Thanks for the reassurance. I never stand up to my parents, but then again this is something that really hits me deep because now they want to change something that is a part of me just because it's what they want. I don't like dissapointing them or making them angry, but just because I'm their child doesn't mean I don't have rights too, right?

Asianrunner, his reasoning is simply that he prefers my hair straight. He thinks it makes me look prettier, more presentable, and that its just overall superior to my curls. He said (about the refusing to let me get my permit-and I quote) " If you don't do something I really want then I wont give you something you really want, see how it feels". I knew he preferred my hair straight, but I had no idea how extreme his preference went...

At age 40, I'm actually old enough to be your father but that's another story. LOL You're taking the right approach. I have three little kids (two girls). Short my daughters coming home with a shaved head or dyed pink or purple, etc., I'm going to be pretty hands off on how they wear their hair. Definitely on the curly/straight front. My hair is actually curlier than both daughters.:)

Do your thing with the curls. I mean what's he going to do kick you out of the house if you don't straighten it? And if he goes that far someone should kick him in the ass.


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