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Old 10-05-2007, 10:26 AM   #1
 
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Default How do you handle (kind of long)

when someone close to you says something disparaging about your hair? In my case my grandmother likes to comment on my hair first thing in the morning, after I've slept on it and it's dry and matted and often sticking up in odd places that I need to "do something to it". First she didn't understand why I'd want to "be a nappy bride", then as it grew she didn't think it "curled enough" and now that I finally have some length, she like to tell me about more acceptable styles that other people wear (which I like, but can't achieve until my hair is much longer because my hair is really thick). I can't really convey the mean tone she uses, and she's my only grandmother, so not talking to her isn't an option I can live with. I also can't just ignore her because it's really hurtful. Any suggestions?
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Old 10-05-2007, 10:52 AM   #2
 
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I would tell her how u feel. My great grandmother always gave me a hard time telling me to go brush my hair--I told her u can't brush curly hair! Then it got to the point where I just said "if u have nothing nice to say DON'T say anything at all!"--it pretty much stopped
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Old 10-05-2007, 10:53 AM   #3
 
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I think you should just tell her that it is hurtful, and she has to accept that it's a part of you.
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Old 10-05-2007, 10:54 AM   #4
 
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I've told her that it bothers me. I've told her that she can keep her opinions to herself. I've told her that I like my hair and don't care to hear what she thinks about it. Each time they've stopped for a while, then she starts back with "I know you don't like anyone to talk about your hair, but . . ."
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Old 10-05-2007, 10:56 AM   #5
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meantime
I think you should just tell her that it is hurtful, and she has to accept that it's a part of you.
It's funny you would use those words. I once told her that she'd get used to it and she said she'd never get used to it.
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Old 10-05-2007, 10:57 AM   #6
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sun-Rei
then she starts back with "I know you don't like anyone to talk about your hair, but . . ."
As soon as she says that, say, "So if you know I don't like it, why are you deliberately saying something that you know hurts my feelings?"
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Old 10-05-2007, 11:01 AM   #7
 
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I'm going to try this next time. Thanks! I just try really hard to be respectful of my granny and I know I have a tendency to be snarky when my feelings are hurt. Thanks everyone for the advice on how to proceed.
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Old 10-05-2007, 11:13 AM   #8
 
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Yeah, I know that can be hard, but you don't have to say it in a snarky tone. I would try to sound hurt instead of covering it up with snarkiness, that way she can see that she is hurting your feelings. I'm sure in her mind she's just trying to "help" so just make sure she realizes how hurtful it is.
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Old 10-05-2007, 12:07 PM   #9
 
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I just wonder if it has anything to do with her insecurity over her own hair, or something in her past. I'm a huge advocate for addressing issues and trying to work them out. I think if you tell her "Grandma, it hurts when you say that". My grandma always used to point out my acne and it would make me cry (when I was younger) my mom finally had to tell her that it hurt my feelings, and she ended up confessing it was because he had it when she was younger. I hope things work out for you and your grandma.
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Old 10-05-2007, 12:10 PM   #10
 
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@ Bailey: You're right, she does think she's helping and I have to try to keep my tone in check. Thanks.

@Amanda: No, her hair is BSL and was never tightly coiled. She gets a relaxer twice a year or so for it to be bone straight (I won't tell you the term she uses), but because she, her mom, and her sisters all have what she considers "good" hair, she can't comprehend why I stopped relaxing mine. ETA: I forgot to say thanks for the well-wishes. :-)
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