Loved ones not liking your hair

How do you cope with family and friends not liking your natural hair? I know I'm not the only one that has this problem....right? What do you say to them? Do you say anything? Do you eventually get over it?

So here's what happened to me today:

I had the BEST hairday that I've had in a looooong time. I mean, I had the shine, the definition, no frizz, and nowhere to go except my yoga class where I had to put it up! (Damn!) But I was still happy with my hair and I was feeling SO confident. I really think that I owe that confidence to you guys here! I've always wanted the 2B/3A curls, but I've FINALLY fallen in love with my own 3c curls!

And then I learned that my mom liked my hair better when I was 6 with 2A hair. She wants me to straighten and use hot rollers on my hair for my wedding, but that's not me! I haven't done that since middle school! It made me so sad that she can't love my hair like I do.

To make things even better, I talked to my fiancÚ on the phone today and was asking him what he would like to see me do with my hair for the wedding. He was the typical guy (he is rarely typical) and pretty indifferent about it, and that made me remember a comment he said offhandedly several months ago. He said that the only hair he's ever found sexy was Betty Page's. I stupidly brought it up, and he doesn't remember making the comment, but he didn't refute it either.

Gee thanks, sweetie. Good to know I've spent HOURS thinking about what I'd look like for our wedding only to find I will NEVER compare to someone else's hair in your eyes. My hair will just not do that! But you know what? I don't want it to! I have FINALLY found peace with my hair, I have confidence that I've NEVER had. I actually felt really pretty today! I even took pictures to post them on the "what do you look like thread," but I can't bring myself to post them. Now I just feel so ugly and worthless. I read the board for a while, and it helped for about an hour, but something triggered it again. Maybe I'm just PMSing...
I have 3c hair that I haven't straightened in over 5 years. It's just past shoulder length when dry, and almost waist length when pulled straight.

Products:
9/02/08 Went CG
05/12/09 Still CG. Cowashing with VO5 Lavender Luster. I then condition with Giovanni Smooth as Silk. Styling with VO5 Lavender Luster conditioner with my wide-toothed comb.

http://public.fotki.com/QuirkyYogini/



Hey there curly bride,

Aren't you somewhat nervous maybe?
People make lots of comments, as you know.
Don't let them (comments) upset you that easily.. where is your confidence then?

Gl.
How do you cope with family and friends not liking your natural hair? I know I'm not the only one that has this problem....right? What do you say to them? Do you say anything? Do you eventually get over it?

So here's what happened to me today:

I had the BEST hairday that I've had in a looooong time. I mean, I had the shine, the definition, no frizz, and nowhere to go except my yoga class where I had to put it up! (Damn!) But I was still happy with my hair and I was feeling SO confident. I really think that I owe that confidence to you guys here! I've always wanted the 2B/3A curls, but I've FINALLY fallen in love with my own 3c curls!

And then I learned that my mom liked my hair better when I was 6 with 2A hair. She wants me to straighten and use hot rollers on my hair for my wedding, but that's not me! I haven't done that since middle school! It made me so sad that she can't love my hair like I do.

To make things even better, I talked to my fiancÚ on the phone today and was asking him what he would like to see me do with my hair for the wedding. He was the typical guy (he is rarely typical) and pretty indifferent about it, and that made me remember a comment he said offhandedly several months ago. He said that the only hair he's ever found sexy was Betty Page's. I stupidly brought it up, and he doesn't remember making the comment, but he didn't refute it either.

Gee thanks, sweetie. Good to know I've spent HOURS thinking about what I'd look like for our wedding only to find I will NEVER compare to someone else's hair in your eyes. My hair will just not do that! But you know what? I don't want it to! I have FINALLY found peace with my hair, I have confidence that I've NEVER had. I actually felt really pretty today! I even took pictures to post them on the "what do you look like thread," but I can't bring myself to post them. Now I just feel so ugly and worthless. I read the board for a while, and it helped for about an hour, but something triggered it again. Maybe I'm just PMSing...
Originally Posted by QuirkyYogini
I can totally relate. My DH and mom like my hair straight as a stick. I'm trying so hard to learn to like this half-wavy half-curly hair of mine but it's so hard not to go back to the blow dryer and flat iron.

Unfortunately I have no words of advice for you but do send you a big (((HUG))) from someone who totally understands.
< member since 2006. No idea where 1969 came from.
Hey there curly bride,

Aren't you somewhat nervous maybe?
People make lots of comments, as you know.
Don't let them (comments) upset you that easily.. where is your confidence then?

Gl.
Originally Posted by criscat
Well, planning a wedding in four months and a future move to a different country is stressful, so I am SURE it doesn't help. Him being in in KY for training during those four months doesn't help either. Still, these aren't just random comments. If a random person doesn't like my hair, that's fine. No big deal. But these are people that are supposed to know and love me! It just hurts that I know they don't love my curls too! Still, I agree. It's stupid to let their comments affect me that much. The problem is, I can't seem to change how I feel.

I can totally relate...Unfortunately I have no words of advice for you but do send you a big (((HUG))) from someone who totally understands.
Originally Posted by eche428
Thanks for that. I was hoping there would be people who would understand. I think that criscat is right. I'm letting this get to me too much, but it's so hard to get over something when it's the people you care about the most!
I have 3c hair that I haven't straightened in over 5 years. It's just past shoulder length when dry, and almost waist length when pulled straight.

Products:
9/02/08 Went CG
05/12/09 Still CG. Cowashing with VO5 Lavender Luster. I then condition with Giovanni Smooth as Silk. Styling with VO5 Lavender Luster conditioner with my wide-toothed comb.

http://public.fotki.com/QuirkyYogini/




Last edited by QuirkyYogini; 05-14-2008 at 11:54 PM. Reason: correction
I was hoping there would be people who would understand. I think that criscat is right. I'm letting this get to me too much, but it's so hard to get over something when it's the people you care about the most!
Originally Posted by QuirkyYogini
Both you and your hair are beautiful, and I think your natural curls look stunning. You deserve to be confident and if you felt pretty it's because you are pretty!

I understand what you're saying about loved ones and hair, but I think it's easy sometimes to read too much into what people say, or don't say. I've had lots of remarks or non-remarks from my DH and taken them to heart in the wrong way, only to have him turn round another time and deny that he ever thought or said such a thing! Mine once told me he loved long, dark, straight(!) hair. At the time I had a shortish, light golden brown frizz ball.

I think because we curlies are, on the whole, too critical of our hair, we think other people are being critical too, and they probably don't mean their opinions to come across as strongly as they seem. Having said that, I don't think family always realise how much we need their support in our curly quests! I come from a family of straighteners and I'm the only one who's decided to stop. The only encouraging comment I've had has been from one of my brothers-in-law.

Good Luck with your wedding plans . You'll look gorgeous, and your fiancÚ will think so too!
My SO likes straight hair and that's just the way it is. But he does love me . I think it is part of his nature - he is very neat and organized and I am sure to him my hair looks just the opposite of that. I try not to let it bother me but like you, sometimes it just does knowing that you can never have what you think he likes 'better'. But he met me when my hair was curly and he fell in love me with it curly (I have never been a straightener). I made the mistake once of having my stylist do a blowout - he nearly freaked - he loved it! So when I do have my hair cut I do have them do a blow out every once and a while just to give him a thrill to have me straight haired every now and again. Of course when I have my deva cuts I don't ask for blow outs - I think lightning would strike!

Don't let it get you down.
Central Massachusetts

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. ~George Carlin~

In regards to Vagazzling: They just want to get into the goods without worrying about getting scratched up by fake crystals. ~spring1onu~
My DH actually liked my hair better when I brushed & shampooed it and it looked like a shorter version of Jess's brushed out hair on the Jessicurl website. All pouff and frizz!!!! Are men crazy??? Every time I ask him "How does my hair look? he just kind of mumbles out an OK.
Mostly 3A/Some 3B Thick/Dry/Colored/SL
Loving natural products. Some of my favorites are:
MHC Scalp Cleanser, Donna Marie Miracurl Gelly, Robert Craig Conditioner
I think that you should take pride in being happy with what you look like and who you are. I know loved ones opinions do matter but if you love who you are no one person's opinion will matter. I'm lucky that my hubby loves my curly hair but I have to say I think you put your fiancee on the spot bringing up the remark that he made ages ago. Kinda like the "Do I look fat in this" question.....your damned if you do and damned if you don't. But you look great just the way you are....be proud of that!
2b/c, medium/high porosity, medium/coarse texture
Current HG: Kinky Curly errythang, GVPCB, LALSG

"I will never be the woman with perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it."

Quirky,

I'm sorry that you're so bummed. Yes, I agree that you're a little nervous before your wedding. I was a nervous bride-to-be, this time last year. But you need to post those pics. You're one of my hair idols!! Don't disappoint those that LOVE your hair. My mom isn't crazy about my natural hair either. She describes my childhood hair as red fur!! She looks at it now and says, "Interesting". My husband loves it when it's straight. And has no words for it when it's curly. But it's our hair and these people love us more than anyone in the world. Trust me, I'd love for my mom to dress more hip or my husband to look more like George Clooney. But it ain't gonna happen. They are who they are and we are who we are. Their comments aren't that serious in the grand scheme of things! You know that they think you're beautiful no matter what your hair looks like.
Dare to be......remarkable!!!
My boyfriend has admitted that he prefers my hair being straight. But he also understands how important my curly hair is to me now and how hard I'm working to make it look great.

I don't take it personally. I know he loves me regardless of how my hair looks. And he still compliments my curly hair when it has a good day. I know he doesn't HATE curly hair, he just prefers one style over another.

It's ok to have a difference in opinion. The important thing is that they love you anyway.
3a locks!
Daily Products!: Suave Naturals Coconut, Jessicurl WDT, MOP-C, Biotera Curl Creme, & LA Looks Sports Gel!
^^^Proof that you can be CG without spending tons of money! =) ^^^

CG since April 5th, 2008!

http://public.fotki.com/SoaringSIren/
pw: lotsofcurls

Boy, it really depends on the gel (and the weather, and the position of the stars, and what kind of mischief Britney Spears has gotten into).
Originally Posted by jillipoo
My mom always tells me she likes my hair with straight bangs, all the way across. This is the way they were cut when I was six, when my hair was straight. To get them to do that now and stay that way, I have to straighten them with a curling iron and touch them up 2/3x a day (it's not that curly, but it's stubborn ). This is always her response - I mentioned I was trying CG, and she started with "do you remember how you wore your hair in your first grade picture...". And this is from the woman I inherited the hair from in the first place!

I looked at your album - you have completely fantastic hair, and it would look lovely worn curly for your wedding!

Last edited by GeoCurl; 05-14-2008 at 11:47 AM.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so bummed about your hair before your wedding! It really all comes down to how YOU feel best. You're a beautiful woman with gorgeous hair and it will look beautiful no matter what style you choose for your big day!!

I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by curly fans, but I'm still sorry you feel badly about it all...

(((((((hugs for you!!!)))))))

On a lighter note: do you think your hair would catch on if you styled in your yoga clothes every day?
3a/b thin/fine
fotki PW: curls
updated 5/1/2010 "starting over"

Routine:
don't even HAVE a "routine" at the moment...
HG: still GVP Conditioning Balm and Biotera Gel/CC
Experimentals: HE TMS Spray Gel, LOOB


Riot Crrl: "Revenge is a dish best served with a side of awesome hair."


My mom always says, "You know, when you were a baby I used to be so embarrassed taking you out of the house with your hair looking like that."

It seems that everybody in my family LOVED my hair when it was long and straight and hanging down my back. Now that's it's short and curly, the only people that really seem to love it just as much as I do are strangers.
I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.
Thank you for all the responses! Everyone is right. Just because they might not love my curls, doesn't mean they don't love me, but I was interpreting it that way. Yes men, are crazy, but I think a curly haired woman with random self-esteem issues might be even crazier! I'm not usually like this! I think the stress and distance is getting to me.

Both you and your hair are beautiful, and I think your natural curls look stunning. You deserve to be confident and if you felt pretty it's because you are pretty!

I understand what you're saying about loved ones and hair, but I think it's easy sometimes to read too much into what people say, or don't say. I've had lots of remarks or non-remarks from my DH and taken them to heart in the wrong way, only to have him turn round another time and deny that he ever thought or said such a thing! Mine once told me he loved long, dark, straight(!) hair. At the time I had a shortish, light golden brown frizz ball.

I think because we curlies are, on the whole, too critical of our hair, we think other people are being critical too, and they probably don't mean their opinions to come across as strongly as they seem. Having said that, I don't think family always realise how much we need their support in our curly quests! I come from a family of straighteners and I'm the only one who's decided to stop. The only encouraging comment I've had has been from one of my brothers-in-law.

Good Luck with your wedding plans . You'll look gorgeous, and your fiancÚ will think so too!
Originally Posted by Chrysovyi
Thank you! I completely agree with everything you said. My mom actually has wavy hair, and she blow dries and brushes it out. (It actually looks good this way, so I can't really blame her...) The only curls she likes are the big 2B/3A curls, and for a long time, this was my ideal too. So I suppose the feeling that my hair isn't good enough has been there for a while, it just hurt when she admitted that she missed my "old hair" that I had when I was a child.

My SO likes straight hair and that's just the way it is. But he does love me ... sometimes it just does knowing that you can never have what you think he likes 'better'. But he met me when my hair was curly and he fell in love me with it curly (I have never been a straightener)...Of course when I have my deva cuts I don't ask for blow outs - I think lightning would strike!

Don't let it get you down.
Originally Posted by xcptnl
Yes, I need to keep reminding myself that it doesn't mean they don't love me! And it really does bother me because I don't think my hair will ever do the whole Betty Page look and look....good. I mean, if I straightened and got the hot rollers out, then maybe. But it certainly won't look natural! But he met me with my curls and he's never seen my hair straight. I guess I'm just being silly for letting it get to me so much!

And I've heard a little about Deva, so yeah... I wouldn't risk the wrath of the hair gods.

...but I have to say I think you put your fiancee on the spot bringing up the remark that he made ages ago. Kinda like the "Do I look fat in this" question.....your damned if you do and damned if you don't. But you look great just the way you are....be proud of that!
Originally Posted by curlysue21
You know, you are completely right. That was really crappy of me to do that. I hate it when others do that, but I never really realized how much it bothered me until today. I mean, when he said it, I never said anything. I just bottled it up for several months and it exploded yesterday. Damn... But thanks for the compliment!

Quirky,

I'm sorry that you're so bummed. Yes, I agree that you're a little nervous before your wedding. I was a nervous bride-to-be, this time last year. But you need to post those pics. You're one of my hair idols!! Don't disappoint those that LOVE your hair. My mom isn't crazy about my natural hair either. She describes my childhood hair as red fur!! She looks at it now and says, "Interesting". My husband loves it when it's straight. And has no words for it when it's curly. But it's our hair and these people love us more than anyone in the world. Trust me, I'd love for my mom to dress more hip or my husband to look more like George Clooney. But it ain't gonna happen. They are who they are and we are who we are. Their comments aren't that serious in the grand scheme of things! You know that they think you're beautiful no matter what your hair looks like.
Originally Posted by cclark1
To the bolded part: Really?! OMGyay! As for the rest... I agree. I'm not usually this sensitive. Or maybe I am, but only with touchy subjects like my hair. Really, everyone seems to be making sense here, except me! Oh! And congratulations on the marriage! I hope that all the stress and nervousness was worth it in the end!
I have 3c hair that I haven't straightened in over 5 years. It's just past shoulder length when dry, and almost waist length when pulled straight.

Products:
9/02/08 Went CG
05/12/09 Still CG. Cowashing with VO5 Lavender Luster. I then condition with Giovanni Smooth as Silk. Styling with VO5 Lavender Luster conditioner with my wide-toothed comb.

http://public.fotki.com/QuirkyYogini/



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