Anyone else have "mommy" issues in regards to their curls?

Like Tree36Likes

My mother used to be like that. However, that was when I first came out as "curly" (my hair didn't go curly until I hit puberty) and she didn't know how to manage it. We know a lot more now thanks to this site. She still has a tendency to brush my hair out at times though- but she is getting better. She loves my curls now.
3A/2C combination of ringlets and waves
I honestly was just about to come post asking the same thing

My mom started straightening my hair when I started going to private school in 7th grade, and before then she kinda prided herself in not getting my hair straightened. My first semester in college I realized I had no idea how to straighten my hair, and honestly thought I looked like a chubby wet dog with my relaxed hair, so I just stopped perming . When I came home last summer, I'd been growing out my hair and decided to cut of the permed ends to end my transition. I go to school a bit away from home, I didn't really come home much, and my mom hadn't really been seeing my hair (especially since I hate putting pictures of myself on Facebook). I'd been used to the support from my hallmates and my boyfriend (the latter being over the moon with me taking more control of those simple things in my life, and becoming a bit more assertive. I didn't have the stereotypical fights with him over it, and in fact he called me beautiful just as often and even helped me with figuring out how I'd take care of my hair, including buying products and such with our combined miniscule college student budget), so I guess I'd thought my mom would be as happy for me.

Wrong.

It's only my mom and I at home, and within a week of me coming home we had the biggest fight we'd ever had, which included her belittling my appearance in front of company and tearing apart everything from my clothes to my nappy hair, and everything ended with me leaving out with my boyfriend to stay at his school (they end later than mine) for about a week. I already have crap self esteem, so it really killed things for me. I ended up not cutting my hair, and pretty much hiding it most of the summer until a girl transitioning at a place I interned at complimented me and asked me for advice and such.

I went back to school and mostly got back on track emotionally, but since that argument have not been able to talk or be around my mother the same. I feel like at least twice a day she takes a swipe at my appearance. I sat down with her over my winter break and told her how I felt, sobbing as I did, and she just used it as an excuse to try to get me to just do what she wants. As if she doesn't want to admit that I'm starting my own life now.

When I came back home for this break, I'd been having medical issues and may have to have a surgery as a result. It's been an option since February for me and between the stress from classes, my health, and my relationship with my family, I've been very anxious and depressed. I'm starting to get thinning hair on the side of my very very thick hair (so it's noticable), and I'm trying to adjust my diet, my attitude toward everything, and take vitamins. But every time I'm with my mom, she comments on how I'm trying to diet, how my hair looks like I don't take care of it, and that I need to do something with myself. I even let her braid my her a few times, and the entire experience is always so stressful, with her tugging on my hair, and commenting all the way through that I need to get it straightened or permed. I feel even more stressed out and she won't listen to me on these little things.

Now tonight, I'm going out for a dinner-movie date with my boyfriend, and I decided to go the full-nine with dressing up. I thought I looked pretty, and even managed to put my hair in a nice up-do it wasn't long enough for before. I felt really good about tonight until my mother came into my room and just stared at me with this horrified look on her face. When I asked her what was wrong, she just said "You're going out like that?" and it felt like my mood just died.

I don't want to have a horrible relationship with my mom, as she's the only parent I have and we used to be so close. But I feel like every tiny argument we have, I get further away from her. At this point, i'm even considering moving away from home next summer, but I really don't want to do that. I only have a few more years where I can just be at home with my mom and relax without worrying about more adult things, but I feel cornered. I honestly don't know what to do.

Why do mothers have to be so difficult?
My mom straightens her hair 1x a week, she dies it blonde, and gets relaxers, and different haircuts all the time going from long to short. This is how I was raised. Every weekend was a DT and blow out which I dreaded as a kid. Naturally her hair is black or dark brown and curly and so is mine. I have been curly girl for 6 years now. For my undergrad graduation I got my hair colored, cut, deep treated, and blown out. In undergrad I always straightened. On my undergrad graduation it was humid and drizzly when I went to give my mother a hug she told me I should have at least combed my hair. I got pics taken and when I saw them, I saw that my hair turned frizzy with the weather. That moment caused me to want to stop trying soo hard on my hair if the end result was always poor. That's when I began leaving my hair natural and a year later I heard about the Lorraine Massey book and so my journey continued with my natural hair. My next graduation was on it's way. My mom said she wants to take me to the salon, but I said no. I went cg for it. My pics weren't good either. Now in my 6th year of cg my mom called me on my birthday telling me that her present to me is sending me to the salon for a Brazilian keratin treatment. She has done it and she loves it she says. I didn't take her present and I'm still struggling with trying to figure out how I can style my hair to enhance my features and make me feel pretty. My bf likes my hair straight. The only time I get compliments from him is when it's straight. So I haven't gotten a compliment in a long time. His dad told me the other day that I have great hair because I can straighten it with the blow dryer. I'm a firm believer in doing what enhances and makes a person look pretty. So far it seems like straight hair suits me and curly doesn't. I just cringe at the thought of heat though bc of all the heat damage that took me 6years to get rid of. It's hard though when you look back and feel that you're hair looked better in 7th grade than it does as a woman.
@Psychear I really feel your pain. With me it was my husband who belittled me over my hair. (And other things.)

I don't usually advise this, but have you thought of flat ironing it before you meet your mom? Maybe that will shut her yap for awhile. Plus you can wash it and it'll go right back to curly as soon as you're done with her.

The only other choice is leave her alone or stop caring what she says. Both very difficult.


😜🍸Sent LIVE from my JPhone 4s using some CurlTalk app. 😜🍸

http://AfroCurls.wordpress.com
FroZen
I honestly was just about to come post asking the same thing

My mom started straightening my hair when I started going to private school in 7th grade, and before then she kinda prided herself in not getting my hair straightened. My first semester in college I realized I had no idea how to straighten my hair, and honestly thought I looked like a chubby wet dog with my relaxed hair, so I just stopped perming . When I came home last summer, I'd been growing out my hair and decided to cut of the permed ends to end my transition. I go to school a bit away from home, I didn't really come home much, and my mom hadn't really been seeing my hair (especially since I hate putting pictures of myself on Facebook). I'd been used to the support from my hallmates and my boyfriend (the latter being over the moon with me taking more control of those simple things in my life, and becoming a bit more assertive. I didn't have the stereotypical fights with him over it, and in fact he called me beautiful just as often and even helped me with figuring out how I'd take care of my hair, including buying products and such with our combined miniscule college student budget), so I guess I'd thought my mom would be as happy for me.

Wrong.

It's only my mom and I at home, and within a week of me coming home we had the biggest fight we'd ever had, which included her belittling my appearance in front of company and tearing apart everything from my clothes to my nappy hair, and everything ended with me leaving out with my boyfriend to stay at his school (they end later than mine) for about a week. I already have crap self esteem, so it really killed things for me. I ended up not cutting my hair, and pretty much hiding it most of the summer until a girl transitioning at a place I interned at complimented me and asked me for advice and such.

I went back to school and mostly got back on track emotionally, but since that argument have not been able to talk or be around my mother the same. I feel like at least twice a day she takes a swipe at my appearance. I sat down with her over my winter break and told her how I felt, sobbing as I did, and she just used it as an excuse to try to get me to just do what she wants. As if she doesn't want to admit that I'm starting my own life now.

When I came back home for this break, I'd been having medical issues and may have to have a surgery as a result. It's been an option since February for me and between the stress from classes, my health, and my relationship with my family, I've been very anxious and depressed. I'm starting to get thinning hair on the side of my very very thick hair (so it's noticable), and I'm trying to adjust my diet, my attitude toward everything, and take vitamins. But every time I'm with my mom, she comments on how I'm trying to diet, how my hair looks like I don't take care of it, and that I need to do something with myself. I even let her braid my her a few times, and the entire experience is always so stressful, with her tugging on my hair, and commenting all the way through that I need to get it straightened or permed. I feel even more stressed out and she won't listen to me on these little things.

Now tonight, I'm going out for a dinner-movie date with my boyfriend, and I decided to go the full-nine with dressing up. I thought I looked pretty, and even managed to put my hair in a nice up-do it wasn't long enough for before. I felt really good about tonight until my mother came into my room and just stared at me with this horrified look on her face. When I asked her what was wrong, she just said "You're going out like that?" and it felt like my mood just died.

I don't want to have a horrible relationship with my mom, as she's the only parent I have and we used to be so close. But I feel like every tiny argument we have, I get further away from her. At this point, i'm even considering moving away from home next summer, but I really don't want to do that. I only have a few more years where I can just be at home with my mom and relax without worrying about more adult things, but I feel cornered. I honestly don't know what to do.

Why do mothers have to be so difficult?
Originally Posted by Psychear
I went through similar with my mother when I was in high school/college. It seemed that everything I did was wrong and we were always fighting/I was crying about her all the time. The turning point was when I finished sophomore year of college, my mom had surgery and couldn't work that summer so I supported her and my little sister on $7.25 an hour working 60+ hours a week. She still couldn't help but say mean or rude things to me. She even got most of her side to believe I was being disrespectful and wasn't helping her at all while I was paying all the bills and putting food on the table. Enough was enough, so at 19 I found myself an apartment where my school was and moved out as soon as she could go back to work. Funny thing is now that we don't live together and can't be around each other as often (I live 400 miles away) we get along a million times better. I think sometimes people need to be apart to realize how much they love a person so they can check their behavior. Not saying that my mom still doesn't have her moments but she tries to quell them because she can't see me as often. Hope everything goes ok for you and your mom. Good luck and remember all things pass in time.


Sent from this FABOO cell💆📲
My mom has super straight, thin hair and she's super jealous of my curls. I've always had curly hair, even when I was little, and that's where my "mommy issues" came in. She had no idea what to do with curly hair because hers was straight so she would just brush it when it was dry and it really hurt because it had so many knots and it just turned into a frizzy mess.
Originally Posted by curlygirly224
Same here!


Sent from my iPad using CurlTalk
My mom always thought my hair was a bother, so my childhood was spent in boy cuts or looking like a hedgehog. As soon as the hair would get shoulder length, she'd chop it off!

I finally started growing it out in my teens, and mom kept complaining I can't take care of my hair and should just cut it off. I'm 30 now, have no intentions of going short, and she still keeps on.
I had the same exact experince so i was the girl in elementary always with a braid in my hair until my aunt came to live with us and helped all my problems.
One of my earliest childhood memories: My hair being yanked through with a brush, me bawling and my Mom telling me to stop being a baby. My hair was always considered a "problem" and it was always somehow my fault that it was curly. Like I could change it at will and just liked to be difficult.

Sent from my GT-I9100M using CurlTalk App
2c/3a mix. Low Porosity, Coarse, Mid-back length when curly, Mod CG, Loreal Eversleek: Sulfate/ Silicone free Shampoo, Conditioner, Deep conditioner (Weekly), Leave in Conditioner, Frizz Serum,
Garnier Frutcus Pure Clean: Gel and Frizz control.Live clean Exotic Necter Argan oil spray regularly.

I alternate use of products and use both Shampoo and Conditioner daily. Have been mod- CG for approx. 5 months. Straighten aprox once every 2 weeks. Thinking of going full CG.
Somewhat. My mom has really fine, thin hair that she always wanted long but it was so thin that she finally chopped it off and looks really good. She used to perm it when it was long and she's regularly colored it for 10+ years now. My hair is the exact opposite (my brother and I both have our dad's hair!), but since she did her hair a certain way that meant I did too, mostly through ignorance about hair types. So no conditioner b/c it weighed her hair down, couldn't put my hair back when it was wet because it'd get a crease (in her straight hair yes, but it was just another wave in mine), but thankfully I never gave in to getting a perm, though I did do my fair share of coloring. Now that I've decided to go with more natural and organic things for my hair, and try to get my curls back, she acts like I'm crazy! I'm trying to explain to her that we have very different types of hair, and I have to do what mine needs. She's never had anyone tell her that her hair is only pretty when it's straight, she's never dealt with frizz or her hair being a fluff ball, her hair rarely tangles. Slowly though, I think I'm getting through to her. Somehow it's like she's offended by the fact I have different hair, like I'm doing this to be rebellous or something! I think if that were the reason, I would've done this at 14, not 24 : ) I think a lot of it just goes back to being different from our parents, and them having to accept that.

Edit:
One of my earliest childhood memories: My hair being yanked through with a brush, me bawling and my Mom telling me to stop being a baby. My hair was always considered a "problem" and it was always somehow my fault that it was curly. Like I could change it at will and just liked to be difficult.
Originally Posted by TangledTorii
Exactly! So many bad memories of brushes! I just needed to stop being so "tender-headed". Umm, no, you just need to stop brushing from the top down and yanking my hair out!

~Frankie
One of my earliest childhood memories: My hair being yanked through with a brush, me bawling and my Mom telling me to stop being a baby. My hair was always considered a "problem" and it was always somehow my fault that it was curly. Like I could change it at will and just liked to be difficult.

Sent from my GT-I9100M using CurlTalk App
Originally Posted by TangledTorii
Same here! Hair wash days as a child were a pretty painful experience! "Keep still" and "stop being a big baby" are two phrases that always spring to mind when I remember my mom detangling and brushing my hair, ouch! Luckily it didn't leave me emotionally scarred as my poor mom didn't really know how to care for my textured tresses, bless her!
UK Curly
Curl type : Boticelli, 3a, loose curls
Porosity : High
Texture : Fine/medium (I think!)
Co-wash/rinse out/leave in : L'oreal Full Restore 5, GFR&S, Schwarzkopf Bio Pomegranite
Gels : Umberto Giannini Flirty Curls Scrunching Jelly
Finish product : Boots Naked Style Frizz Fighter Serum or a pea-sized blob of condish smoothed over canopy
CG since Feb 2011
Hmmm. Forgot those are "issues" too.

Then yes, I had issues. My hair was always "so THICK!" or "so MUCH of it!" I hated wash day.

Then again... I still kinda do. The same things I love about my hair make wash day a pain since prolly 1982. (I was 4 then. Which is when hair is not considered baby hair anymore. )


😜🍸Sent LIVE from my JPhone 4s using some CurlTalk app. 😜🍸

http://AfroCurls.wordpress.com
FroZen
Me me me! I'm now trying not to comb and not to shampoo everyday and my mother tells me that my hair is looking messy and I should comb it, and when I don't shampoo she says my hair would be dirty. And she says I look like a fro. First off, 4-type curls are as gorgeous as any type. Second, my hair is just frizzy. Last, I am born with curls, so I got to love and take care of them. Right?

Just a few minutes ago I got out of the bath and while I was air drying my hair my grandmother combed my hair. Not just a comb, a fine-toothed comb. I feel my hair screaming for help. I told her it's okay if I don't comb my hair, but she seems like she's afraid that I will be seen in public with my hair. I feel that everyone's exaggerating about my hair, to me it's just okay and I don't look like a monster, why do they want every hair to stick in the scalp? I mean, few short hair strands sticking out are just normal.

Well, now is a bad hair day.
If my mother were still alive, I'm sure she would be proud that I had finally found a way to accept my curls. She never knew how to bring the best out in my hair, but she tried. She was always telling me to be proud of my curly hair, and I'm sure that she would have been the first to try CG for me if she had ever heard of it, and would be happy for me having found about it at last.

It can be hard enough to set out on this journey with all of our conventional notions set on their ear. When the most important, influential people in our lives don't support it, it is that much harder.
WurlyLox and CurlyUnique like this.
Be Happy!

Type:2b/3ab?
Texture:Medium/fine
Porosity:Normal
Elasticity:Normal

Experimenting with too many products to name here. All this great info keeps my head spinning.
If my mother were still alive, I'm sure she would be proud that I had finally found a way to accept my curls. She never knew how to bring the best out in my hair, but she tried. She was always telling me to be proud of my curly hair, and I'm sure that she would have been the first to try CG for me if she had ever heard of it, and would be happy for me having found about it at last.

It can be hard enough to set out on this journey with all of our conventional notions set on their ear. When the most important, influential people in our lives don't support it, it is that much harder.
Originally Posted by raindear
Brilliantly said... i'm happy for you that you like your curls : )
"Life is too short to keep your hair short"

Click here to visit - GRO YO FRO!
Yes me! I have had my hair relaxed since I was 3 yearsold. I became natural at age 25. My mom is now natural after watching me and my sister accept our hair for how it grows out of our scalp. My grandmother is the ring leader because she is the licensed hair dresser. We would ALWAYS get into debates about accepting our curls. So you betcha that after my grandmother said all the bad things about natural hair it would eventually get to my mom and she ended up perming! Such a shame!@ :/
*Natural 3C*
Wash: Liquid African Black Soap, BS/ACV
Conditioner: SM SB, YTCarrots, Organix Coconut Milk
Pre-Poo: Honey & EVOO
DC: AOHR
PT:
Super Mayo Deep Conditioning Treatment
Moisturizer: CURLS Souffle
Leave-In: KCKT
Gel:
KCCC, Eco Custard
Oil/Sealant:
SB, EVCO, EVOO
All of you ladies (and guys) have beautiful curls! I can't imagine my mother having issues with mine. I'm happy to say that I am helping her transition from a perm (relaxer) to her natural curls! I'm so excited! I think I am more excited than she is!
Korkscrew and pinkwolf like this.
Curly and PROUD!!!

My hair has a mix of low/med/high porosity, and it's medium textured (some are still fine, though!)

CG since Sept. 2011
Cowash: Vo5/Suave Naturals/Tresemme Naturals*
RO/LI: GVPCB*, Tresemme Naturals*
Low-poo: Shea Moisture Moisture Retention
Stylers: KCKT*, Coconut Oil, Olive Oil, Grapeseed Oil, Honey*

* represents my HGs!!! Finally!!!
It is hard when someone in your family won't accept a important part of who you are. I think some people have been so brainwashed that straight hair is the only kind of beauty there is no other. Also I've noticed sometimes people's curly hate comes from hatred of their own curls and waves.

My mom is actually very supportive of my natural hair. What is funny every time I straighten it she says that I shouldn't and it looks better curly and it suits my face. My dad though has problems with accepting my curly hair, he'll tell me he likes it better straight and I shouldn't wear it curly, it looks wild and unmanageable. He also goes on and on about frizz and how I need to get rid of the frizz (believe me if I figured out a way for the frizz to disappear I would be doing it). He has gotten much better because each time my mom tells him how long it takes me to straighten my hair and how damaging it is.

Everyone's curls and waves are beautiful and unique no one should try and tell you otherwise, especially a family member who are supposed to be loving and accepting of who you are and how you look.
2c/3a with some 2b-fine/coarse-iii-low porosity-normal elasticity
Started CG 10/16/12
Co-Wash
:
Sauve Naturals
Conditioner: Tresemme Naturals Conditioner
Styling Products: La Bella Lots of Curls gel
My mom doesn't relax her hair anymore but instead wear a wig to avoid the upkeep/damage.
When I was little my mom never straightened my hair and was really against me flat ironning in 8th grade.But after about 2 years I got tired of the upkeep and wore my hair more curly and now I get it straightened once a month or two.Funny thing is my mom wants me to straighten my hair more often to look 'presentable'

I feel its my fault since I begged her to let me get my hair pressed in the first place.
Wow. So many posts in this long thread are really, really sad statements about people unable to accept themselves, and therefore unable to accept the beautiful children they brought into the world.

Here is what I was remembering... First off, I am now 50 so you have to bear in mind that my mother (now passed on) was horrendously repressed - the attitudes way, way back in the day (think 1940's) when she was 19 were so incredibly uptight. My mother was beautiful, she was very arty and Bohemian and had gorgeous curly/wavy hair (probably a 2C/3A) but she pretty much had all of that beaten out of her by the nuns who schooled her, and by my hyper-critical grandmother. She only ever allowed herself about 1 year of rebellious curliness, when my dad married her. He loved her hair.

But, my mother learned to hate and fear her arty, wild side. Letting even one curl of it escape into the world's view was shocking and morally reprehensible in her eyes, because of the attitudes of the times she grew up in.

My mother constantly nagged and picked on me in regard to my hair, my clothing, my make-up, my ideas, my posture, blah blah blah. She particularly nagged me about my hair. She always told me I looked like I didn't bother to wash or comb my hair ;p She was never happy about anything I did to my looks.

One day, when I was looking at pics of her when she was young, it finally hit me that my mother was very, very frightened that I would turn into the arty, rebellious curly boho chick that she had been for a short time, and get beaten down for it, like she did. I simply reminded her too much of herself. And because she didn't love herself, she didn't want me to turn out like her. (I haven't! lol! I live a pretty arty, adventurous life, and I let my curly hair hang out all over! lol!)

So for all of you whose moms down on you for having curly hair, I think it stems from your mom's own fear of being branded as "loose" or "rebellious" or whatever. Conformity is the norm. As many others noted here, your mom's fears and opinions are...well, they are her own. But she probably sees a young version of herself in you, and if she never learned to accept herself (or was forbidden to), then she will find it very hard to accept you looking anything like her younger self...

Anyways, that's been my experience...I hope it helps any of you see your mom in a different light though I do agree, having one's hair straightened, yanked by the brush, and then (for me!) subsequently cut off by your mother, it can be a horrible, "hair-raising" experience. And being constantly picked on by your own family is just sad.

Thank goodness time passes, and things change! Hang in there, all of you and please love yourselves, no matter what any one says...Curly is beeeeyoootiiifullll!

Trending Topics


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 02:34 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com