This whole thread should be put in the Hall of Shame!

soul&amour · 06-15-2012, 06:02 PM

One thing that bothers me most about when it comes to being natural is that a lot of us somehow inherit this "greater than thou" complex just because you decided to embrace your natural texture and stop perming it. I dont knw who appointed anyone to being some supreme judge on who someone is based on their hair. Ya ok you broke free of the shackles of perm and went straight into another hold of being defined by how natural you are in comparison to how chemically altered your hair is? Really?

The whole point of going natural for most people is they want to try to manage their natural texture now because they couldnt when they were younger or whoever was taking care of their hair couldnt, and they are now equipped with more knowledge than their parents had possibly because they have a different texture or simply because they feel that their hair is an extension of who they are and they want to let that shine thru.

WHatever the reason is, neither me nor anyone else has the right to judge anyone based on the choices they make about their hair. If someone wants to keep perming it, who cares! Thats their choice, they may like their hair better straight not because soceity tells them to but because thats what they like, maybe its easier for them to style and manage and i can def understand that. If someone chooses to blow dry and flat iron their curls, so what! Curlies have been blessed with the gift of 'style versatility'. Our hair can be straight, it can be wavy, curly, kinky within 5 minutes if we want it to. Why not be able to embrace all facets of your hair? If someone chooses to be colour their hair, why not? if it breaks well they need to make better decisions on the colour they use, whos doing it, and how well they treat and take care of it afterwards.

Being natural is all about embracing what we were blessed with, some of us are not blessed enough to be able to rock the natural look and feel like it reflects who we are. But when youre natural and looking down on others because theyve chosen not to follow in your foot steps, how does that reflect on you? You left perm to be liberated but then go and create a whole other shackle under the "natural" premise? Please. Who are you to condemn a place you came from? IMO if you're bashing people who arent natural or who dont style their hair under some specific guideline for their hair type, you're voicing insecurities and issues you have with yourself and your own hair. Your M.O. might not be someone elses.

Bottom line, live and let live. I love being natural, ive transitioned from being texlaxed because as a young child with hair down to my waist at the time, i couldnt manage my big ole head of hair. Now that im older and wiser, i can do what I please with it cuz i understand my hair and know what it needs to thrive and be itself without chemicals. But by no means do i judge anyone who hasnt cuz it just doesnt matter. And neither should anyone else cuz it makes you no better than the people who put the idea in our heads that straight hair is somehow the better hair to have. Whatever hair you wanna have is the hair you should have.

All the judgement makes me sick and i had to rant about it.

proudcurlygirly · 06-16-2012, 05:08 AM

You make a very good point. Of course, it's one thing to offer advice which can be very beneficial and helpful and is there to heed if you so wish, but, as you say, to judge a person by the decision they wish to make, whatever you may personally think, is very wrong, but sadly human nature. (I think many of us have been guilty of saying 'ooh, I wouldn't do that if I were you' or 'if I were you I would do it like this'.) We were given free will to ultimately make our own choices, regardless of whether others think it's right or wrong. You've definitely given me a reality check!

adthomas · 06-19-2012, 04:13 PM

I agree with your points. The only thing i dont like about these kinds of posts is that it makes it seem like the bashing is a one way street and the permies are the sweet innocents and we naturals are the meanies. Truth is permies have been bashing naturals for the longest and I didnt see anybody getting up on a soapbox to tell them to respect our decision or to stop the criticism or not call us nappy heads, buckwheat, bb shots, brillo pad and whatever else they can think up. Some of us are still going through this with our families who offer no support just insults. For most people especially black women going natural means develping a thick skin. So excuse me if my heart doesnt bleed for some chick with a perm who got her feelings hurt. Tell her to grow a pair like we do and dont gaf what everybody else thinks. My 2 cents

Auntie Bubbs · 06-19-2012, 04:45 PM

I don't see why an issue has to be made of everything. I think people on both sides of the spectrum tend to be too sensitive - everyone is a little too focused on what someone else could be saying about their hair.

belwillcoily · 06-21-2012, 07:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by soul&amour

One thing that bothers me most about when it comes to being natural is that a lot of us somehow inherit this "greater than thou" complex just because you decided to embrace your natural texture and stop perming it. I dont knw who appointed anyone to being some supreme judge on who someone is based on their hair. Ya ok you broke free of the shackles of perm and went straight into another hold of being defined by how natural you are in comparison to how chemically altered your hair is? Really?

The whole point of going natural for most people is they want to try to manage their natural texture now because they couldnt when they were younger or whoever was taking care of their hair couldnt, and they are now equipped with more knowledge than their parents had possibly because they have a different texture or simply because they feel that their hair is an extension of who they are and they want to let that shine thru.

WHatever the reason is, neither me nor anyone else has the right to judge anyone based on the choices they make about their hair. If someone wants to keep perming it, who cares! Thats their choice, they may like their hair better straight not because soceity tells them to but because thats what they like, maybe its easier for them to style and manage and i can def understand that. If someone chooses to blow dry and flat iron their curls, so what! Curlies have been blessed with the gift of 'style versatility'. Our hair can be straight, it can be wavy, curly, kinky within 5 minutes if we want it to. Why not be able to embrace all facets of your hair? If someone chooses to be colour their hair, why not? if it breaks well they need to make better decisions on the colour they use, whos doing it, and how well they treat and take care of it afterwards.

Being natural is all about embracing what we were blessed with, some of us are not blessed enough to be able to rock the natural look and feel like it reflects who we are. But when youre natural and looking down on others because theyve chosen not to follow in your foot steps, how does that reflect on you? You left perm to be liberated but then go and create a whole other shackle under the "natural" premise? Please. Who are you to condemn a place you came from? IMO if you're bashing people who arent natural or who dont style their hair under some specific guideline for their hair type, you're voicing insecurities and issues you have with yourself and your own hair. Your M.O. might not be someone elses.

Bottom line, live and let live. I love being natural, ive transitioned from being texlaxed because as a young child with hair down to my waist at the time, i couldnt manage my big ole head of hair. Now that im older and wiser, i can do what I please with it cuz i understand my hair and know what it needs to thrive and be itself without chemicals. But by no means do i judge anyone who hasnt cuz it just doesnt matter. And neither should anyone else cuz it makes you no better than the people who put the idea in our heads that straight hair is somehow the better hair to have. Whatever hair you wanna have is the hair you should have.

All the judgement makes me sick and i had to rant about it.

+1000 to all the bolded parts.

I wear my hair in two strand twists a lot. I like the way they look on me and they keep my ends from tangling too much and they allow me styling versatility. Occassionally I'll wear my hair in a twist out as well. I actually had someone tell me recently that I'm not really wearing my hair "natural" since I rarely WnG. This person does WnG much more frequently than I do and though her hair is a little longer than mine, she has to cut it a great deal since she's always getting tangles and knots on the ends that cause splits and breakage. At the rate she is going, her hair will be shorter than mine in no time since she is not really retaining length (and I am)...

Anyhoo, her hair is also (IMO) a frizzy hot mess in the WnG she sports because it's really uneven and has no shape. She cuts her hair herself and just whacks off damaged and broken parts without regard to how lopsided it makes her hair look.

I talked about the fact that when my hair gets to APL stretched that I plan to heat straighten my hair just for something different. What did I say that for? She started in on me about how she'll never heat straighten her hair because she cares about her tresses and wants to take good care of them. Mind you, about 2 or 3 years ago, she went to a salon and let them flat iron her hair so straight that it caused a major setback for her and she had to (once again) chop off a great deal of her length from heat damage. I told her that if I wanted to heat straighten my hair for the first time in 20 something odd years then I wouldn't consider that exactly neglecting my hair. She ignored that and just kept going on and on about all these things that she will not do to HER hair because she is truly a "natural" seeking a healthy head of hair; the implication being that anyone who doesn't agree and go along with her natural hair agenda and methodology is a pretender.

It was quite irritating, not to mention annoying...
Can't we all just get along?

soul&amour · 06-22-2012, 02:04 PM

You guys all added some good points. I def agree with adthomas people who arent natural bashing naturals too. I think that a lot of it stems from insecurities that have bene passed on for generations. And even curlies with looser textures having things to say about curlies with kinkier hair. Its just wrong. We ALL have hair. I just dont get the animosity. Its so senseless. @belwillcoily omg that would annoy me too. Especially since you're taking better care of your hair than she is and she has nerve to look down on you? Smh just foolish

Jas76 · 08-07-2012, 08:22 AM

Honestly, your OP seems a little more heated than necessary, just in that there are several people on here who have no problem with what people do with their hair, be it cones, be it straightening, perms, what have you. This forum is just not geared toward people who regularly straighten, since it's a forum for curlies.

There are those who get judgmental - I am Mod CG and I once in a while run into someone who thumbs their nose at me for that. I also use MO in my hair, and I've had people jump on me for that. But the majority of people are really supportive and accepting and just want to support each other on bad hair days, and get advice and learn techniques, etc.

Remember this is a site for people with curly hair, especially those who have gone natural, so the posts are going to be voiced in that direction.

I do agree with you that you may run into a few people on here who think their way is the only right way - but that happens EVERYWHERE in life!

It is funny how some people have a problem with someone straightening their hair, but no problem with coloring it!

Everyone has a right to wear their hair as they like. The people I know who have an issue with constantly straightening typically feel that a person is denying herself, possibly her ethnicity, and trying to fit into a box of what others see as "looking good". But they have the right to straighten their hair, even if that IS the reason. (and that's not always the reason, as you said!)

In general I'm tired of extremist negativity, from both sides of this and any issue. People just seem so unhappy these days.

TangledTorii · 08-07-2012, 02:35 PM

I agree with Jas76. Too add, when I first joined this site I was soo suprised by how nice and supportive everybody was. Now I see a lot of nastiness that I dont like.

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Jas76 · 08-07-2012, 09:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TangledTorii

I agree with Jas76. Too add, when I first joined this site I was soo suprised by how nice and supportive everybody was. Now I see a lot of nastiness that I dont like.

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Really??? That's so disappointing! I have had a couple people here and there, people that are most likely just "toxic" IRL, I would assume. But overall I've seen supportive people! There are a couple that get a little... "snobby", too, I guess you could say. (A few of the hard core CGers can be that way at times - not many, tho.). But I'd not call them "nasty".

What a bummer. I hope this site isn't going that direction.

Just breathe, people! It's only hair!!

GroYoFro · 08-13-2012, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TangledTorii

I agree with Jas76. Too add, when I first joined this site I was soo suprised by how nice and supportive everybody was. Now I see a lot of nastiness that I dont like.

Sent from my GT-I9100M using CurlTalk App

I agree...

curlyhoneyb · 08-23-2012, 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by adthomas

I agree with your points. The only thing i dont like about these kinds of posts is that it makes it seem like the bashing is a one way street and the permies are the sweet innocents and we naturals are the meanies. Truth is permies have been bashing naturals for the longest and I didnt see anybody getting up on a soapbox to tell them to respect our decision or to stop the criticism or not call us nappy heads, buckwheat, bb shots, brillo pad and whatever else they can think up. Some of us are still going through this with our families who offer no support just insults. For most people especially black women going natural means develping a thick skin. So excuse me if my heart doesnt bleed for some chick with a perm who got her feelings hurt. Tell her to grow a pair like we do and dont gaf what everybody else thinks. My 2 cents

I couldn't agree more! My hair is still relaxed (tried to make the switch to natural but I just couldn't do it) but you are right.

I've never really had a woman with natural hair be mean to me because my hair is relaxed. It is mostly the ones with straight hair (whether naturally straight or flat-ironed/chemically straightened) that have something rude to say if my edges are a bit fuzzy or if my hair isn't perfectly straight.

My mother is 56 and she still relaxes her hair too...she wasn't thrilled when I told her I wanted to be natural. I believe it stems from internalized racism and society's notion that straight hair="pretty hair" . I don't want to get too deep with this, but you definitely hit home when you said that it involves developing a thick skin. I've been called nappy-headed and told that my hair is ugly all my life, even with a perm, and I've heard racist comments about my hair.

So although I'm not natural yet, I want to thank you for this post. It goes both ways. I believe that some naturals do get a bit carried away, but I think this is partly because they are trying to resist the negativity that seems to come from everyone, including family. They just go about it the wrong way sometimes. But I'm with you, it can definitely be a struggle to feel beautiful when society constantly pushes straight hair as "ideal" and when people tell you that your hair is "bad" or ugly.

And for the ladies who still relax (I'm one of them), it is our choice to do so but I would never bash a natural sista because I know how it feels. I admire the beauty and confidence of women with natural hair, especially since I know that they are bucking the norm and setting their own standards. I will admit, that was my biggest fear when I wanted to go natural...I was afraid of what others would think.

I say to each her own. It's like anything else, really. Women without breast implants tend to bash/judge those that have them, women who wear overly sexy clothes are often judged by those that are more conservative, etc....the only difference is that Black women's hair has become a somewhat divisive topic because people make it political.

But you definitely speak the truth.

starznthings · 09-06-2012, 06:08 PM

This is what I think. Wear your hair the way you want to and do whatever works for you. There could be 30 people. 29 of 'em might like your hair but one will not. That's because you can please some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time. So you must please yourself. Why just last week a man asked me if I had to stick my finger in a bunch of electrical sockets to get my hair to look like that...so I thought to myself, that's why he can't get a date.

Then there's this woman at work that tells me she loves my curls and then says she wants to straighten them (like I don't know how to straighten my own hair???). I want to tell her to give it up already...been there done that.

Sometimes I let it get to me, and I come home and look in the mirror and think my hair must look disgusting, but after awhile I get a grip on myself. I realize, well some people just don't like curly or frizzy hair and they never will and other people love it. Since it's MY head, I can love my hair or hate it and it's nobody else's business. I never tell anyone else how to wear their hair or what to do with it. It's not right.

Be happy. Life is too short. Be individual. If everyone were the same the world would sure be boring.

Speckla · 09-08-2012, 01:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TangledTorii

I agree with Jas76. Too add, when I first joined this site I was soo suprised by how nice and supportive everybody was. Now I see a lot of nastiness that I dont like.

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It comes and goes in waves. (no pun)

pinkwolf · 02-28-2013, 12:38 PM

Its whatever you wanna do to your hair. I was having a conversation on my friends FB wall (who is also natural) and a permed young lady (a psychology student) came on and started bashing us and how we naturals think we are "superior". I said its not about being "superior" but just embracing who I really am and doing more research on relaxers and its history. So to me its more then just hair its an extention of me :-)

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