Would you be offended in the slightest if ...

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Ok I was at a dinner party tonight with a very small group of people. The ladies there (who are well educated modern women) proceeded to carry on about how horrible it would be if they had curly hair and god forbid their daughters ever had curly hair.
I have very curly hair - 3c & thick & proud! And my daughter who was there has curly hair too.
I'm not sure if they forgot we were there or just were plain ignoring us. But I sat there incredulous & looked around to see if anyone else copped on to what was being said ... Obviously not.
I am feisty by nature but for some odd reason I thought, y'know I don't need to defend the way god made me. I'm kinda sick of being offended by ignorant prejudice remarks relating to physical appearance (not only about hair) and for the 1st time in my life - i let something like that go.
My mum always taught me that silence is agreement. But today I thought why bother? I'd just be wasting my energy and for what.
This is mentality that goes beyond any 1 conversation - because it's cultural, colonial and/or whatever you'd like to call it. Why should I let it affect me?
It's mental how mothers talk about their child's physical appearances. I'm just hoping I can succeed in instilling in my child enough self-assurance that she'll be happy in her own skin... Like every child should be and concentrate on the things that matter like character.
I was just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this topic?

Last edited by fonki; 12-01-2012 at 05:59 PM.
Wow. That's really rude and offensive. They probably didn't really think before they said it...

Glad you're raising your daughter differently, and teach her to love her natural self

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they have a right to register their opinions. wether you agree with it or not. That is how any modern educated woman should handle such situations and u did the right thing. If I were in your place I would have said something bcz they were judging curly hair in front of someone who has curly hair. That was very inconsiderate and to a certain extent, rude on their part.

And I agree with you about how people are so quick to judge other people's appearances. It's disgusting. It's sad that our children are going to grow up in a world like this. no matter what we teach our children, there will never be a dearth of folks who will judge them by their appearance.


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Last edited by ShubhoR; 12-01-2012 at 09:48 PM.
I think it was on purpose. Their way of telling you they don't like your hair without addressing you directly. it was a small party. Was anyone else a big curly that could have sparked the conversation? If not they intended you to hear and they brought up the not wanting their daughters to have curly hair thing because your daughter was there with curly hair.
I have had people do this to me before but that was back in high school because it is very childish. I don't consider someone "educated" just because they have some college degrees. These people are rude, small minded and ignorant.
Sounds very passive aggressive and not really educated at all.
I think it was on purpose. Their way of telling you they don't like your hair without addressing you directly. it was a small party. Was anyone else a big curly that could have sparked the conversation? If not they intended you to hear and they brought up the not wanting their daughters to have curly hair thing because your daughter was there with curly hair.
I have had people do this to me before but that was back in high school because it is very childish. I don't consider someone "educated" just because they have some college degrees. These people are rude, small minded and ignorant.
Originally Posted by adthomas
This exactly! +1

I'm sorry you had to deal with that kind of ignorance. Wow...
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That was insensitive and rude. Would they sit around saying that they would never want to have blonde hair or brown hair?
I think if you didn't have the energy to enter that conversation then that is fine I understand that but I would have probably said, I love my curly hair, I don't have to fry it with a curling iron to get my curls like so many people do, and I can flat iron it if I want to, my hair is versatile and I would hate to have straight boring hair all the time. I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut but that's just me.

I'm really glad that I have always been around people who loved my curly hair even when I didn't. My friends and family have always encouraged me to wear my hair curly and told me that it was beautiful. Many people I meet always tell me they wish they had curly hair too and I have grown to accept my curls and love them. You can't make people less ignorant by force but you can do what ever possible to make sure your daughter never thinks like them.
I'm not easily offended but I do find comments like that rude and ignorant.

This story reminded me when I was at dinner a few years ago with 7 or 8 of my oldest school friends (we were working on a class reunion). One of them, who had been my very best friends for years, said the following --
"I think it's terrible for women our age to have long hair. And why would anyone want to have grey hair? They should dye it! And seriously, flatirons are everywhere. Why would anyone want to wear their hair curly."
All this, while I sat there beside her with my long, grey, curly hair. Everyone else got kind of silent and she looked up and blurted out "Oh I didn't mean YOU. You look fine that way".
I just looked at her and laughed and shook my head. It was ridiculous. And really, they all had short, dyed, fried, old lady hair. I know I looked more fine than they did. : )
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I once overheard a woman, standing two feet away from me at an office party for a company where my husband worked, say with disgust that wearing curly hair was some kind of "statement", and that the women who wear their hair curly "can do something about it" but "they" purposely seek attention. I can't be 100% sure she was blatantly attempting to insult (instruct?) me, but I glanced around and noticed I had the curliest, and reddest, hair of anyone in the immediate vicinity.

I wanted to say something witty and universally defensive of curly hair, but then I suspected that was joining her game, whatever it was. Later, when I was introduced to her formally, (and she learned that her husband was in a management level that ultimately reported to my husband, who was CSO and a VP of the company), she wouldn't even look directly at me.

I never saw her again, otherwise I would definitely have pried from her whatever grief she met at the hand of some curly woman that ultimately caused her to feel that curls were symbolic of feminine rebellion.

jeepcurlygurl - your hair is stunning and absolutely beautiful. Every time I see your avatar I admire those curls. Boo hiss to "dyed, fried, old lady hair"!
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Last edited by gardencurls; 12-03-2012 at 05:11 PM.
^ Thanks garden!

All curly hair is beautiful and amazing and no one should ever feel bad about being one of the lucky people to have it!
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I'm not easily offended but I do find comments like that rude and ignorant.

I just looked at her and laughed and shook my head. It was ridiculous. And really, they all had short, dyed, fried, old lady hair. I know I looked more fine than they did. : )
Originally Posted by jeepcurlygurl
Love this! Go you. And I bet you looked a lot better than them. I notice people sometimes insult the things they admire.
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If it had been me, I would have politely excused myself and my daughter, thanked the organizer and left. I would have been gracious and polite, but I would not have stuck around so that me and my child could be abused.

What they did was abusive to you.

As others have pointed out here, that was passive/aggressive behavior and passive/aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse. It was the responsibility of the organizer/host to make sure everyone there felt comfortable and had a nice time. They failed. At the very least, the organizer/host should have apologized to you.

It was not your fault.

Those people have no manners.

You have a right to own and trust your own feelings.

The best thing you can do is treat this as a learning experience for you and your daughter. Talk to your daughter about the incident. Tell her how it made you feel. Ask her how she felt when they were saying those things? Ask her what she thinks you two should do next time something like that happens?
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I once overheard a woman, standing two feet away from me at an office party for a company where my husband worked, say with disgust that wearing curly hair was some kind of "statement", and that the women who wear their hair curly "can do something about it" but "they" purposely seek attention. I can't be 100% sure she was blatantly attempting to insult (instruct?) me, but I glanced around and noticed I had the curliest, and reddest, hair of anyone in the immediate vicinity.

I wanted to say something witty and universally defensive of curly hair, but then I suspected that was joining her game, whatever it was. Later, when I was introduced to her formally, (and she learned that her husband was in a management level that ultimately reported to my husband, who was CSO and a VP of the company), she wouldn't even look directly at me.

I never saw her again, otherwise I would definitely have pried from her whatever grief she met at the hand of some curly woman that ultimately caused her to feel that curls were symbolic of feminine rebellion.

jeepcurlygurl - your hair is stunning and absolutely beautiful. Every time I see your avatar I admire those curls. Boo hiss to "dyed, fried, old lady hair"!
Originally Posted by gardencurls
That woman sounds jealous, catty and insecure. My thoughts on curly hair (naturally curly) is that it often evokes strong feelings in others...it is wild, sexy, and yes, it is very overtly feminine. The loops/spirals/coils are round like the curves of a woman's body. So in a society where hair is often "tamed" into submission, a woman who proudly rocks her natural curls is sometimes viewed as a threat to social norms and the status quo.

I think that a somewhat Eurocentric mentality also plays a role in this, even for Caucasian women, because straight hair is pretty much forced on everyone as the notion of beauty. Curly/kinky and textured hair is definitely an attention-getter, which makes some folks uncomfortable if they subscribe to the notion that everyone should be or look the same. Curly hair stands out in a sea of people with stick-straight hair.


To me, curly hair IS definitely a statement, a positive one. It says: "I'm bold, I'm fun, I'm unique, I have a mind/personality of my own...I'm me!" And it can always be altered when you want a new look.


Sounds like that lady might have been jealous of some vivacious curly woman in the past who flirted with her husband or something. What did HER hair look like, anyway?

gardencurls likes this.
I would have been absolutely livid.






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If I knew any of these women, I probably would've have something to the effect of: "I understand how you feel...when I was younger, I struggled with my curly hair, I took me along time to figure out what to do with it, all the advice given to me did not work...finally, I found something that works for me, and I just love it now. I'm so glad that I have curly hair and that my beautiful daughter has the most gorgeous curls!"
I would then pause to see what kind of verbal or non-verbal reactions from others. If I got snarky comments or eye rolling...I would've said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder; but more important than that, beauty radiates from the inside. ANd then just get up and leave.

If I didn't know any of them, I would probably just leave.
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I would be offended a bit I suppose, but I have never been in a situation like that myself. I often wonder if some people who don't have curls, wish they did and act catty like that out of jealousy, passive-aggressiveness.
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Last edited by AwYeahh; 02-22-2013 at 11:13 PM.

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