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Old 12-23-2012, 06:56 AM   #261
 
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no no no, Generosity, what is really profound here is that despite his homelessness, he was able to give you a gift - a really valuable one. That is a lesson for all of us - no matter how little we may have we can always give the gift of generosity of spirit.
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Old 12-23-2012, 08:47 AM   #262
 
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That's exactly what broke my heart, despite everything he was going through, hr still had a high spirit and was able to spread happiness around him
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Old 12-23-2012, 09:26 AM   #263
 
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I think the boys your around are really ignorant and you shouldn't stand for that. Date someone who appreciates your curly hair which I'm assuming is a big part of you. If they don't like your curly hair they don't deserve you.
That's a bit unfair. Not being attracted to curly hair doesn't make you ignorant, it's a preference. A boy doesn't have to like curly hair to deserve you. If they treat you badly because of it, yeah, but everybody has preferences and people aren't obliged to like what you have. It hurts, but it's life.
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Old 12-23-2012, 10:07 AM   #264
 
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I think the boys your around are really ignorant and you shouldn't stand for that. Date someone who appreciates your curly hair which I'm assuming is a big part of you. If they don't like your curly hair they don't deserve you.
That's a bit unfair. Not being attracted to curly hair doesn't make you ignorant, it's a preference. A boy doesn't have to like curly hair to deserve you. If they treat you badly because of it, yeah, but everybody has preferences and people aren't obliged to like what you have. It hurts, but it's life.
Yes exactly. He compliments me a lot but hardly my hair coz it is really not his thing. But he knows how important my hair is to me and he respects that. A lot. Thats all that matters.
In fact thats all I expect from everyone. We love our curly hair and we need people to respect that. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and they shouldn't be condemned for that .


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Old 12-23-2012, 10:38 AM   #265
 
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Indeed, Generosity, but isnt that beautiful?
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Old 12-24-2012, 06:04 AM   #266
 
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I think the boys your around are really ignorant and you shouldn't stand for that. Date someone who appreciates your curly hair which I'm assuming is a big part of you. If they don't like your curly hair they don't deserve you.
That's a bit unfair. Not being attracted to curly hair doesn't make you ignorant, it's a preference. A boy doesn't have to like curly hair to deserve you. If they treat you badly because of it, yeah, but everybody has preferences and people aren't obliged to like what you have. It hurts, but it's life.
Yes exactly. He compliments me a lot but hardly my hair coz it is really not his thing. But he knows how important my hair is to me and he respects that. A lot. Thats all that matters.
In fact thats all I expect from everyone. We love our curly hair and we need people to respect that. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and they shouldn't be condemned for that .


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And this.

Sure, it'd be great if our SOs adored our hair and wanted to roll in it every night, but everybody has their preferences. I have a 'type', but I've still dated those without those qualities and cared about them a lot. As long as he doesn't put you down and respects you and your hair, it's fine.
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Old 12-24-2012, 01:32 PM   #267
 
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I think the boys your around are really ignorant and you shouldn't stand for that. Date someone who appreciates your curly hair which I'm assuming is a big part of you. If they don't like your curly hair they don't deserve you.
That's a bit unfair. Not being attracted to curly hair doesn't make you ignorant, it's a preference. A boy doesn't have to like curly hair to deserve you. If they treat you badly because of it, yeah, but everybody has preferences and people aren't obliged to like what you have. It hurts, but it's life.
LOL You took the words right out of my mouth.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:14 PM   #268
 
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I think the boys your around are really ignorant and you shouldn't stand for that. Date someone who appreciates your curly hair which I'm assuming is a big part of you. If they don't like your curly hair they don't deserve you.
That's a bit unfair. Not being attracted to curly hair doesn't make you ignorant, it's a preference. A boy doesn't have to like curly hair to deserve you. If they treat you badly because of it, yeah, but everybody has preferences and people aren't obliged to like what you have. It hurts, but it's life.
LOL You took the words right out of my mouth.
I second that, Korkscrew. Preferences are one thing. I tend to have "curl crush" but oddly enough my wife has straight hair. When you love a person, even if their hair is opposite your preference, you find that is way too trivial.
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Old 12-25-2012, 08:52 AM   #269
 
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@Korkscrew: I get your point but I think we still have to look at how we get these "preference'; did your Barbie doll have curly hair? how about did she have anything other than an anorexic body? do you see any TV anchors with curly hair? Preferences are shaped by cultural conditioning. And often, cultural conditioning is shaped by white, patriarchial culture. Not to make a sociology lesson of all this, but I am sure you get my point.
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Old 12-25-2012, 08:59 AM   #270
 
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@Korkscrew: I get your point but I think we still have to look at how we get these "preference'; did your Barbie doll have curly hair? how about did she have anything other than an anorexic body? do you see any TV anchors with curly hair? Preferences are shaped by cultural conditioning. And often, cultural conditioning is shaped by white, patriarchial culture. Not to make a sociology lesson of all this, but I am sure you get my point.
Like it or not, men are capable of thinking for themselves. Liking something other than curly hair and a curvy body doesn't make you conditioned. There are a multitude of reasons why people may have a preference.

People are free to like what they like without being subjected to psychoanalysis, usually aimed at how bad 'European' culture is. Yawn.

Edit: that's not to say that cultural conditioning doesn't have it's place, but lets not try and blame society for everything. Let people own what they like. I love curly hair and it's got nothing to do with society. Likewise, if my man likes straight hair, I'm not going to start going on in his ear about cultural conditioning, as if he's to stupid to have his own preference. Nobody questions me and expects me to justify my hair preferences, so why should we expect other to justify theirs?

Also, the Cindy doll has curly hair.
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BSL stretched (longest it's ever been and growing rapidly!), past shoulder curly. Hair goal is hip length.

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Last edited by CurlyCarmenCurly; 12-25-2012 at 09:02 AM.
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Old 12-25-2012, 10:44 PM   #271
 
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@Korkscrew: I get your point but I think we still have to look at how we get these "preference'; did your Barbie doll have curly hair? how about did she have anything other than an anorexic body? do you see any TV anchors with curly hair? Preferences are shaped by cultural conditioning. And often, cultural conditioning is shaped by white, patriarchial culture. Not to make a sociology lesson of all this, but I am sure you get my point.
Myrna, I think you raise good reminders about cultural conditioning that are totally valid and shouldn't be easily overlooked. At the same time, I think there's a sort of false dichotomy that gets set up in this particular situation: either someone likes curls and is therefore "politically correct" or someone isn't fond of curls and is therefore "politically incorrect". In my own life, I just can't justify harboring such a paranoid assumption in every case where someone expresses a preference that happens to also fit mainstream American or Caucasian thinking. As CurlyCarmen pointed out, it's not always about Evil White Man. Not every road leads back to Barbie and her ludicrous bodily dimensions and platinum hair.

Aesthetic preferences are not exclusively the result of dominant social norms and to treat each case thus is fallacious (post hoc ergo propter hoc - social pressure may not be the cause of a boyfriend or husband's preference for hair type). CurlyCarmen makes a good point: this kind of assumption can lead to unnecessary social derision. Happy Holidays to you and everyone else, btw

(Edited to correct the butchering of CurlyCarmenCurly's name.)

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Old 01-20-2013, 04:33 PM   #272
 
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Just thought I'd throw my two cents into the issue of preferences:

I feel a little ashamed to admit that, although I am a 3a curly, I prefer guys with straight hair. But that doesn't mean that I hate guys with curly hair. In fact, I've gotten huge crushes on curlies before. I've even thought, on occasion, that their tight, Grecian/Irish, locks were extremely sexy.

But overall, I'm a straight hair lover. And I don't think that's a big problem.

Because, really, hair shouldn't be that important. Neither should any other aspect of physical appearance, really.

The problem with a guy (or girl) who doesn't like curly hair isn't whether or not he likes curly hair; it's how he expresses that sentiment and what he expects you to do with the information. If he expects you to straighten your hair, insults it, teases you about it excessively, or makes you feel ashamed of it even after you've told him it hurts your feelings, then he's an a-hole that should be dumped.
If he compliments you on other things, doesn't bring it up, or if he teases you about your hair and you make it clear it's not okay, he apologizes and stops, then he sounds like a fine fellow in that regard and their should be no hard feelings towards him about the hair thing.

It would be unrealistic to expect a partner to find everything about you sexy and irresistible. It's the handling of the un-attractions that is important.
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Old 01-20-2013, 06:11 PM   #273
 
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Because, really, hair shouldn't be that important. Neither should any other aspect of physical appearance, really.
I agree. But I think what ends up happening is that hair, like other singular physical features, can be symbolic, and that's where ppl run into trouble sometimes IMO.

Taking hair as an example: Depending on social context, it can mean anything from "power executive" to "political [or ethnic] outcast". It's all in the meaning that's assigned to it. At times, hair is mostly just viewed as an appendage of the skin atop the scalp. In other contexts, a desired hair type is someone's fetish, and is granted disproportionately high value relative to the person wearing it. When a man or woman fetishizes hair, or a body part etc., suddenly that person's value is reduced to a desired object. If someone fetishizes hair you don't have, you'll know because they will make repeated, disparaging comments, including criticizing you in an attempt to make you change your hair to the type they fetishize.

The bigger problem with a fetishist is that s/he only knows how to fixate on one thing as a way to distract her/himself from an intense fear of intimacy with another human being. If someone ever does reject you outright "because of your hair", suspect that they were going to find something about you to reject anyway because they're just not ready to commit.

That said, I think most ppl just have preferences, sometimes strong ones.
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Old 01-22-2013, 08:31 AM   #274
 
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I am black with 4a hair and when I became natural (almost 1 year ago), my husband told me he would be ashamed to introduce me to his friends. He did apologize immediately but it was too late. A lot of black men want their women with relaxed hair. I think this feeling may be more prominent among them than Caucasian men but I may be
wrong. Anyhow, what matters is to have enough self esteem to embark on this journey of natural/curly/kinky hair. Just yesterday though 2 of his friends told me now much they liked my hairdo right in front of him. He said nothing!
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Old 01-22-2013, 05:40 PM   #275
 
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Rmc2, what a sucky, SUCKY thing for him to say to you Yeah, too bad it's too late for him to take it back, but thank goodness he at least apologized, and did so immediately. Brownie points for that.

Maybe his friends' good taste will rub off on him and he'll start to like or even love your natural hair? I strongly believe people learn to appreciate naturally curly hair by being regularly exposed to people who proudly WEAR their natural curls (like us curlies)
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Old 01-23-2013, 07:24 AM   #276
 
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Korkscrew, thanks. My mouth will drop if he ever compliments me re my natural
Hair but hearing other people telling me how they like it sure helps.
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:46 PM   #277
 
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Your welcome If you feel loved, appreciated and respected by him, and if he shows that he generally finds you attractive, maybe that can ease some of the pain around this(?). I hope so. And I'm sure you have beautiful hair - enjoy all those compliments
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Old 02-03-2013, 04:26 PM   #278
 
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I used to think all guys hated curly hair when I was in my straightening phase (d'uh). The thought of wearing my hair down curly was unthinkable to me, because I thought only sleek, straight hair looks good and men only like that and that's what's pretty. However after I ditched the straightener and let my hair down literally, I got so many compliments and sooo many looks from men. While I thought curly hair was a turn-off for men, it turned out to be quite the opposite.
Sure some men don't like it, a lot do and those that love you, love you for everything you are including your gorgeous hair. If a man were to tell me otherwise I'd reconsider the relationship, too. In the end I'd probably walk away with my curly head held up high
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Old 02-06-2013, 09:31 AM   #279
 
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Not all guys. My husband(half black and white if that makes a difference) liked my hair when it was straight, but he loves my curly, wild hair. He actually will tell me to stop messing with my hair if he happens to be in the room while I'm doing it and I am trying to make it "too neat" LOL! Oh, and yesterday(and this totally caught me off guard) I thought I was having a really bad hair day and an older white man came up to me in the grocery store and said he LOVED hair.
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Old 02-12-2013, 12:44 PM   #280
 
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Lots of insightful comments here.

I don't condemn anyone for having preferences because we ALL have them. But IMO, it is problematic when some people impose their standards of beauty on others. Sometimes it is important to look at preferences and why people see things the way they do.

I've been through a lot of bullying and discrimination because of my hair (like ElleBelle shared her experiences). I remember being told that my hair is "n*gger hair" and other horrible things. And most of the men I've been with made it clear that they don't like my hair and I should fix it to be more "beautiful" (in their eyes). One ex-boyfriend used to complain sometimes that my hair was too nappy and he wanted to be able to run his hands through it. His family also had a very negative attitude towards kinky hair, although they were all AA's with the same texture as mine.

It can be very difficult living in a society where this mentality prevails. My husband has come to appreciate my hair, to some extent, but I know that women with straight hair will always catch his attention. That's OK as long as he loves me and treats me with respect.

It's fine for people to like what they like, as long as they don't belittle people that don't fit their notions of beauty. I guess that's my whole point, really. I don't mind if a guy thinks straight hair or loose curls are pretty...but it's not OK to make me or any other curly girl feel that we are ugly and our hair is something to be ashamed of.


I tend to prefer men that are tall (my husband is 6'4"). I also love blue eyes, which my husband has. But that hasn't stopped me from seeing that other types of men can be attractive as well. I dated one guy that was around 5'6" (which is fairly short for a man) and I've dated men of different races/cultures. I will admit, I'm not generally into short men although I'm very petite myself. But I wouldn't try to make a short dude feel bad about his height or expect him to change who he is to fit my standard of what a "hot" guy looks like.


I guess it's about knowing that preferences are OK, but treating somebody like crap and making insensitive comments isn't cool. I know that my looks aren't everyone's cup of tea and that's fine. But my issue has always been the folks who want to put me down, whether it be about my hair or my body or something else.

It depends on the guy. Some will like curly, some will like straight, tall, short, thin, fat, curvy, big boobs, small boobs, Asian, blonde, red, brunette, black, etc. The trick is to find somebody who will accept you and like what YOU have to offer instead of wanting you to look like the opposite of yourself.



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