Hey psychology experts

Tell me if you think there is a connection, or an actual diagnosis out there for this behavior.


A girl I know is 29 and has never been in a serious relationship. She won't let men get close to her like that, and when it does happen, she dumps them for some lame excuse reason.

She is really normal other than that, and I highly doubt if she has ever been molested/raped or anything. She is also gorgeous, successful and seems to have nice self-esteem. However,

She does have a DEADBEAT father. He could care less about her. I guess he was somewhat active in her life when she was younger, never physically abusive, but very mentally exhausting.

I wonder if she is pushing men away in fear that they will ned up leaving her, or hurting her, like her dad???
I'm far from an expert but I think there may be a connection.

She may have good self esteem in many facets of her life but perhaps not in the area of men and relationships. Some counseling would help her face those issues and also build up more trust.

But if she does not feel she has any problems it will be difficult to convince her to go see a couselor or psychologist.
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It could even be that she's been sexually assaulted, and wants to end relationships before they turn sexual.
That is a possibility, I guess.

I have known her my whole life, and I don't think she has had any trauma like that, though. I mean, it's probably safe to assume that she would have went through some major depression or anger if that ever happened, yes? She has always been so upbeat and cheerful.

I am so sad for her.
She would probably really benefit from seeing a psychologist, even beyond relationships. Good luck to her.
I wonder if she is pushing men away in fear that they will ned up leaving her, or hurting her, like her dad???
Originally Posted by thickandglossy
sounds like it, yeah. She hurts them before they have a chance to hurt her. Sounds like she doesn't like to feel vulnerable, and the moment she starts to get close, and those walls start to come down around her heart..she has to kick them to the curb. Then she puts the walls back up, and waits for the next guy.

(I'm comparing her with someone that I know.)

Maybe you could convince her to talk to someone, someone who can help her sort things out in her mind and in her heart.
I don't think I would completely discount any sexual trauma. Sometimes people aren't outwardly affected after an attack, so their friends and family may have no idea what happened. I think this is especially true for someone who is, as you described, just so "put together". A person like that would never want anyone to know about an attack because it paints a picture of being a victim, and some people don't want to be thought of that way, so they'll hide it. Even if the trauma wasn't physical, maybe some of her previous bfs gave her a rough time in some way or another? Or a bf may have hurt her in the past, she had a hard time getting over it, and now she doesn't want it to happen again? Or like you said, her deadbeat dad was someone she could never get close to without getting hurt, so she breaks up with men before they hurt her as a means of gaining control over a situation she used to have no control over. There are countless reasons why she might be this way and perhaps a therapist may help her discover them.
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3B that is no longer CG, but still endeavors to have healthy hair by not using sulfates.
I don't think I would completely discount any sexual trauma. Sometimes people aren't outwardly affected after an attack, so their friends and family may have no idea what happened. I think this is especially true for someone who is, as you described, just so "put together". A person like that would never want anyone to know about an attack because it paints a picture of being a victim, and some people don't want to be thought of that way, so they'll hide it. Even if the trauma wasn't physical, maybe some of her previous bfs gave her a rough time in some way or another? Or a bf may have hurt her in the past, she had a hard time getting over it, and now she doesn't want it to happen again? Or like you said, her deadbeat dad was someone she could never get close to without getting hurt, so she breaks up with men before they hurt her as a means of gaining control over a situation she used to have no control over. There are countless reasons why she might be this way and perhaps a therapist may help her discover them.
Originally Posted by Aries_jb
I'm not sure if I am at liberty to broach the topic with her. It makes me ill thinking that something awful may have happened to her, and her happy-go-lucky self is probably just a mask. Ugggh. Deep down I feared this. My gut was telling me this all along.
I don't think I would completely discount any sexual trauma. Sometimes people aren't outwardly affected after an attack, so their friends and family may have no idea what happened. I think this is especially true for someone who is, as you described, just so "put together". A person like that would never want anyone to know about an attack because it paints a picture of being a victim, and some people don't want to be thought of that way, so they'll hide it. Even if the trauma wasn't physical, maybe some of her previous bfs gave her a rough time in some way or another? Or a bf may have hurt her in the past, she had a hard time getting over it, and now she doesn't want it to happen again? Or like you said, her deadbeat dad was someone she could never get close to without getting hurt, so she breaks up with men before they hurt her as a means of gaining control over a situation she used to have no control over. There are countless reasons why she might be this way and perhaps a therapist may help her discover them.
Originally Posted by Aries_jb
I'm not sure if I am at liberty to broach the topic with her. It makes me ill thinking that something awful may have happened to her, and her happy-go-lucky self is probably just a mask. Ugggh. Deep down I feared this. My gut was telling me this all along.
Originally Posted by thickandglossy
On a less morbid thought, when she was younger until 21ish, she had:

horribly buck teeth (which are straight now).
Horrible skin (which is better now)
fried, over-processed hair( better now)
a bit overweight (she is thin now)

I know her dad one time called her "ugly duckling", and said (when she was on the phone to me)...

"If I were a boy your age I wouldn't look at you." she was 16 at the time.

I take back that I think she was sexually traumatized. I think she was emotionally traumatized by her dad (and step mom). Hmmm. But, she has been in relationships before, so it's not like she is scared of rejection.
I just want to make it clear that I was making a point about some victims of sexual trauma and how there's no way to know how someone would react to something like that happening to them. Whether or not that happened to your friend, who knows?

Going from your last post, maybe she really is insecure when it comes to relationships. You know, pretty on the outside, but on the inside, she's still that chubby girl with the buck teeth.
www.myspace.com/littlemonkey0403
3B that is no longer CG, but still endeavors to have healthy hair by not using sulfates.
I kind of identify with this kind of women, your friend. Then again, who doesn't. And I don't necessarily think that it has to be abuse or trauma that is making her that way. Some women aren't as into finding the love of their lives and settling down and getting married as other people. I know with my friends, they fall in love with a different guy every 3 to 4 weeks. I usually will find one guy I like every year to two years. I kind of envy that my friends can see beauty in everybody, but I like my picky ways as well. If it ever gets to be a problem, I'll change.

That's not to say that it can't be some self esteem issues as well, cause it might be that too. But does your friend say she wants to find a long term guy? Is she lamenting not being married and wondering why? If she isn't, I wouldn't worry about it. People have the love lives they want to have. When she meets someone who knocks her off her feet, she'll change. Or she'll realize she has a problem and ask for help.
Just because she has been in relationships doesn't mean she's still not scared of rejection. Like Aries said, she probably still feels like that unattractive teenager inside. She's sure that the men she's been in relationships with are going to figure it out sooner or later, so she should leave them before they leave her.

No matter how beautiful a woman may be, or how often a guy tells her so, she can still not believe him inside. She can smile and be flattered, but think, "Oh, he's just being nice."

Especially if her dad said something like that to her! Oh man... dads are arguably the most important figures in their daughters' lives for making them feel pretty and wanted..... and to hear something like that at such a vulnerable age? I bet it has stuck with her and haunted her all these years, even if she doesn't consciously realize it.
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Changed because the "number in place of a word" thing was bugging my no-longer-14-year-old self.
I kind of identify with this kind of women, your friend. Then again, who doesn't. And I don't necessarily think that it has to be abuse or trauma that is making her that way. Some women aren't as into finding the love of their lives and settling down and getting married as other people. I know with my friends, they fall in love with a different guy every 3 to 4 weeks. I usually will find one guy I like every year to two years. I kind of envy that my friends can see beauty in everybody, but I like my picky ways as well. If it ever gets to be a problem, I'll change.

That's not to say that it can't be some self esteem issues as well, cause it might be that too. But does your friend say she wants to find a long term guy? Is she lamenting not being married and wondering why? If she isn't, I wouldn't worry about it. People have the love lives they want to have. When she meets someone who knocks her off her feet, she'll change. Or she'll realize she has a problem and ask for help.
Originally Posted by Xyz
I was going to say something like this. And, even if every once in a while she laments that she's single and everyone around her is getting married, that doesn't mean that's how she feel smost of the time. She could be perfectly happy the way she is.
"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON
Maybe, she just has other priorities and doesn't want the commitment that comes with committed, romantic relationships. If it doesn't bother her, I doubt there's any underlying trauma or anything like that.

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