Catty Remarks, Cloaked in Sugar

Hey guys,

Just curious how the folks here handle backhanded compliments?

About a month ago, I had a remark made to me by a former coworker. We were discussing a mutual friend of ours that left to get married to some lawyer.

She said, 'Yea when you're stunningly beautiful there's gonna be some guy that wants to scoop you up and take care of you. I mean you're cute, but lets be honest you're NOT stunningly beautiful.' Then we moved on to talk about other topics.

Ouch.....that stung and dug into me like none other, and unfortunately still stings to this day. I wish I had have said something to call her out and even still try to think of ways to make a dig at her to make her feel bad.

I guess in short, that comment wasn't necessary. I'm not sure why she felt she needed to point that out. She said it in a very casual way, like talking about the weather. I wanted to tell her later that I was really hurt by that comment, but it's too late now.

Anyways, I need some advice on how to arm myself for these types of comments. You know, the backhanded, innocent little comments that really really bite. The ones that make you question yourself, and feel really bad.

I don't want to stoop down to anyone's level, just handle it in a way that the other person will think twice about what they are saying.
Hair Type - 3c, with a touch of 4a and a touch of 3b

Favorite Detangler - Any conditioner with high amount of behentrimonium mehtosulfate

Favorite Leave-in Conditioners - Suave Coconut, Giovanni Smooth and Silk and Giovanni Direct Leave-in, Pantene Relaxed and Natural

Favorite Hair Moisturizers - Silk Elements Hairdress
I usually call people out on backhanded compliments, though in a somewhat humorous way.
What you posted is not a backhanded compliment though. It's a straight-up dig. I wouldn't even know what to say to that. Your friend isn't obligated to find you beautiful, but there is zero need to tell you something like that!
Yikes, insensitive! I'm not quick on come-backs so I wouldn't have continued the conversation. I'd have stopped talking right then & there and quite possibly walked away. Or if it really irritated me I'd just give them a stare <You are an insensitive moron> and then walked away. I'd have thought of a million things to say later no doubt.
Southern Colorado Curly
Mix of 2s med-low porosity, med-fine texture, lots of hair
Banned
Join Date: Jun 2001
Posts: 41,043
I would have said, what about you?
I've been in situations like this before. And I always think of the perfect comeback when I'm lying in bed that night, thinking about the situation.

I think the best thing you could do is give em a mean old stare, like missbanjo said.
Just stare into their eyes and don't break eye contact...
Hair type: 2C-3A, very dry, extremely low porosity, med elasticity, insanely thick kinky-wavy.
HGs: Trader Joe's Nourish spa conditioner, Epsom salt rinse, Joico K-pak conditioner
I usually call people out on backhanded compliments, though in a somewhat humorous way.
Originally Posted by Saria
This. Point out how rude they were by making a joke about it. Usually this will cause people to back peddle, and you'll know they got the message.
"And politically correct is the worst term, not just because it’s dismissive, but because it narrows down the whole social justice spectrum to this idea that it’s about being polite instead of about dismantling the oppressive social structure of power.
Fun Fact: When you actively avoid being “PC,” you’re not being forward-thinking or unique. You’re buying into systems of oppression that have existed since before you were even born, and you’re keeping those systems in place."
Stolen.
I wouldn't call what she said to you a backhanded compliment. It was just an insult. And it was mean.

Sometimes the best way to handle it is to just distance yourself from the person.
The first lesson of economics is scarcity: There is never enough of anything to satisfy all those who want it. The first lesson of politics is to disregard the first lesson of economics - Thomas Sowell
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,533
I give it back, if I'm thinking quickly enough:

"Yes --- I suppose we're both in that boat."

or

"I'm glad I'm cute. I mean, some people don't even have that much," and then look right at her.

If it's someone you're close to, however, I would bring it up later, no matter how much time has passed. Saying, "You know, that was pretty mean," can really lift a weight off one's shoulders, especially if you been carrying it a long time (as I would be, too).

I'm sorry that happened. I don't know why some of us women do things like that. It gives us all a bad rap, and it's.......creepy.
Where is the sugar in the comment? Or the compliment? I don't see either.

I give it back, if I'm thinking quickly enough:

"Yes --- I suppose we're both in that boat."

or

"I'm glad I'm cute. I mean, some people don't even have that much," and then look right at her.

If it's someone you're close to, however, I would bring it up later, no matter how much time has passed. Saying, "You know, that was pretty mean," can really lift a weight off one's shoulders, especially if you been carrying it a long time (as I would be, too).

I'm sorry that happened. I don't know why some of us women do things like that. It gives us all a bad rap, and it's.......creepy.
Originally Posted by ninja dog
+1
"...just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face." ~Harry Dresden

I wouldn't call what she said to you a backhanded compliment. It was just an insult. And it was mean.

Sometimes the best way to handle it is to just distance yourself from the person.
Originally Posted by Scarlet
+1 I hope she gets a swift hard case of monilia. B*tch.
2/c and some 3A. Modified CG.
Protein sensitive
Highly porous. Color over grey.
Best 1st day method: Super Soaker
Conditioners: Curl Junkie Beauticurls Strengthening Conditioner,
Deep condish: Curl Junkie Curl Rehab
Stylers: Mix Curls in a Bottle into everything for shine. Terrible pj
Sometimes try roller sets - classic glamor but I prefer my curls.
Every day is a gift
I would have said, what about you?
Originally Posted by Wile E Coyote - CFF Champ/Lone Ranger
Exactly!

My first response when I read about the colleague's comment was: "Well, it seems neither of us are burdened with that problem".
Hootie-hoo! - Chef Carla
I usually call people out on backhanded compliments, though in a somewhat humorous way.
What you posted is not a backhanded compliment though. It's a straight-up dig. I wouldn't even know what to say to that. Your friend isn't obligated to find you beautiful, but there is zero need to tell you something like that!
Originally Posted by Saria
Yep.
Hootie-hoo! - Chef Carla
what ninj said, I don't know why females do that sometimes...

but if it was me and I would of caught it (i usually don't catch insults until hours later which is very annoying because then it bothers me to death), I would of just straight up called her out. It might sound like I'm joking because when I am joking I talk in a very serious tone, I would of said something like : " YOU CALLIN' ME UGLY!?" and she would of been like "no I said you were cute.." and I would of interrupted her telling her that she's basically calling me ugly and then I would of ended it with a "Don't talk to me, Don't associate yourself with someone who's NOT stunningly beautiful" and then walk at a high speed away so she can't apologize.
Extremely interesting, as I was going to post a similar thread but changed my mind.

That was pretty out of the blue for your coworker to say. Is that how it happened, so abruptly?

Sometimes IRL I can dish out a witty reply. But in actuality I usually just ignore things like that. It's a combination of half hearing what people say (my attention span leaves much to be desired, as does my hearing) and being too shocked to function properly when the insult occurs. By the time my brain catches up, it's often too late to say something then.

It happened to me the other day, in fact. A lady at the gym commented on my workout gear (so I was wearing orange, blue and purple...so what?). She mumbled and had an accent. So I didn't really hear her and chose to assume she'd complimented me or said something unremarkable. THEN womany woman said, "You're not going out in that, are you?!" At that point her intent became clearer...hee.

Edit: turtles, I love ya! You crack me up...
No MAS.

I am the new Black.

"Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.

http://www.youtube.com/user/Kimshi4242

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/kimshi4242
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,533
"Womany woman"! ^

Hee!
I've been in situations like this before. And I always think of the perfect comeback when I'm lying in bed that night, thinking about the situation.

I think the best thing you could do is give em a mean old stare, like missbanjo said.
Just stare into their eyes and don't break eye contact...
Originally Posted by wavie
Like this? I love this gif:

No MAS.

I am the new Black.

"Hope the Mail are saving space tomorrow for Samantha Brick's reaction piece on the reactions to her piece about the reactions to her piece." ~ Tweet reposted by Rou.

http://www.youtube.com/user/Kimshi4242

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/kimshi4242
Wow, that was rude! My jaw would've hit the floor if someone said that to me (even if it's true in my case that I'm more cute than beautiful, it doesn't need to be said!). I probably would've made a joke because that's my defense mechanism. I don't know why some people feel perfectly free insulting other people's looks. What do people gain by being mean like that? Is it really THAT big a boost to their sad egos?
"Maybe Lucy's right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest."--Linus, A Charlie Brown Christmas
-----------------------------------------------
My fotki: http://public.fotki.com/nynaeve77/
Password: orphanannie
Wow, that was rude! My jaw would've hit the floor if someone said that to me (even if it's true in my case that I'm more cute than beautiful, it doesn't need to be said!). I probably would've made a joke because that's my defense mechanism. I don't know why some people feel perfectly free insulting other people's looks. What do people gain by being mean like that? Is it really THAT big a boost to their sad egos?
Originally Posted by nynaeve77
Guess when their egos are so lacking, every little bit helps! (Am feeling like a Tesco advert right now...)
Hootie-hoo! - Chef Carla
Hey guys,

Just curious how the folks here handle backhanded compliments?

About a month ago, I had a remark made to me by a former coworker. We were discussing a mutual friend of ours that left to get married to some lawyer.

She said, 'Yea when you're stunningly beautiful there's gonna be some guy that wants to scoop you up and take care of you. I mean you're cute, but lets be honest you're NOT stunningly beautiful.' Then we moved on to talk about other topics.

Ouch.....that stung and dug into me like none other, and unfortunately still stings to this day. I wish I had have said something to call her out and even still try to think of ways to make a dig at her to make her feel bad.

I guess in short, that comment wasn't necessary. I'm not sure why she felt she needed to point that out. She said it in a very casual way, like talking about the weather. I wanted to tell her later that I was really hurt by that comment, but it's too late now.

Anyways, I need some advice on how to arm myself for these types of comments. You know, the backhanded, innocent little comments that really really bite. The ones that make you question yourself, and feel really bad.

I don't want to stoop down to anyone's level, just handle it in a way that the other person will think twice about what they are saying.
Originally Posted by KindredsTwin1983
the only response fitting is this question- "What is your agenda saying that to me?" put these fools on the spot, they won't say why they said it, they will start to backtrack to save face because they know they look bad when you call em out. ♥
Last Relaxer: Feb 2009
BC: Feb 2010



my fotki, updated 2.01.11 ♥
or you could've said "do you feel better about yourself now that you made that comment about me?". when you put her insecurities all on blast she will be shamed and try to backtrack. ♥
Last Relaxer: Feb 2009
BC: Feb 2010



my fotki, updated 2.01.11 ♥

Trending Topics


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:03 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com