FutureSoBright2013

Ok so me and my bf are 8 years apart, he's 28 im 20 and in college. We've been together for a year and a half and he keeps saying when I graduate he wants to get married and move into our own place but im really don't even wanna get married. I told him that and he keeps saying maybe one day you'll change ur mind. I mean I know he's older and he wants to settle down soon but im not looking for that especially not now. Is this worth a break up??? I really don't want to but Idk???? Please help!

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The New Black

It could be breakup-worthy. You could stay together and just remind him you don't plan on getting married. However, some BFs might just keeping thinking, "She'll change her mind." And when/if you don't change your mind, he'll end up very hurt.

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discolemonade

Do you never want to get married? Or just no time in the near future?

Could you see yourself marrying your boyfriend, someday down the road? Would he be willing to wait X many years?

Could you see yourself being committed to him without being married (like a Brad and Angelina type thing)? Would he be okay with this type of commitment or does he need the formality of a marriage license?

You need to ask yourself questions like these, and have a conversation with him. If your answers are not compatible, then it may best to breakup rather hurting yourselves more in future.

My ex of five years and I broke up because he never wants to be a parent, and would like to someday in distant future. I wish we would have broken up sooner, rather putting so much time into something that wasn't meant to be.

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FutureSoBright2013

Im feeling like I just want a commitment without marriage but he's saying he wants to get married and have kids before he's 35. When I graduate he'll be 30 and im tryna go to law school after that so Idk if marriage would be best then anyway. Im trying to tell him and the only thing he is doing is trying to convince me to get married. He's really religious so he wants the church the pastor and all that. Idk I love him and im hoping it wouldn't be a break up factor but it's seeming like it

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JessicazFro

Tell him your goals and that your decision is final. Maybe its just me but the "you'll change your mind" sounds condescending and almost like he doesn't care what you want. Don't commit to anything you might regret.

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FutureSoBright2013

Idk I feel like he really wants this and he wants it with me and now im stuck with the decision of having to break his heart and im not really good with this sorta thing. This is pretty much my first committed relationship everything else was casual but now he's saying all of this and im stuck. I guess were gonna have to have a long talk

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Amneris

I'm assuming you finish college at 22 - then law school is 3 more years - then bar exam and find a job? It is all very strenuous and stressful - people are married in law school and they do come in with children and have children during law school - I did it - but I really don't recommend it as ideal, and most who did it were a little older. I already had 1 kid so I didn't want a huge gap between children, and I'm in my early 30s. If I could have waited longer, I would have. You are young and I personally think 20 is too young to be married for 90% of people. It also sounds like the two of you have different values and goals, and at your age, I think that is too big of a gap. I also question why a 28-y-o guy is pressuring you so much for marriage and babies - does he have nothing else to do? (and I'd say the same for a woman.) Wanting a family is great - trying to force a 20-y-o into them is not. You probably need to break up.

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iroc

I think 20 is waaay to young to be thinking about marriage. Someone once told me they didn't think ppl should get married until they're 30. I though that was ridiculous! Now that I'm in my 30's, I don't think it's such a bad idea to wait.

If you're in different places like that, it may not be the right relationship. And it sounds like you'd rather drop it than compromise, so of course you're not ready for that kind of commitment - but you seem to know that.

Serious conversations like that do suck. Good luck.


Using my iphone. Expect typos.

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FutureSoBright2013

Well I wouldn't call it pressure I'd say more infrequent nagging. It comes up occasionally and everytime it does he talks about how happy he would be WHEN we get married. Im like who said that's our future. I didn't really think the age gap would be a problem but its looking like it is now

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empressri

20 years old??? girl you have so much to do and to learn. that feeling in your gut that is telling you no....stick with it!! there's a reason you have it.

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afrosheenqueen

I think if he's serious about a future with you there should be an actual discussion. One where he listens to your thoughts as well as you hearing his. His confidence is commendable but speaking about WHEN your getting married like it's a foregone conclusion already is not okay. Wow.

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StayC

If you're not ready to get married then don't do it. Do not let anyone persuade you to do something you're not ready for. If you do you will grow to resent that person and ultimately get divorced. Only you can make that decision. Follow your gut it's always right.


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blissdrops

You're very young. I can see how marriage wouldn't be of interest to you right now and personally I don't think it should be yet. People change a lot between 20 and 30. If it were me I'd be stone blunt with him about the situation and let him know that unless he wants to and will accept the fact that marriage isn't happening anytime soon, we need to break up. From personal experience men don't seem to get those kinds of hints they think things are going to happen that aren't going to happen. You've got to be BLUNT.

FutureSoBright2013

Thanks u guys for ur advice. We talked about it last night and its seeming like he doesn't wanna change his mind about marriage and he's starting yo understand I REALLY don't want to especially not this soon. Idk we haven't come to decision to break up or not but Idk if we can work on these 2 different levels

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JessicazFro

...good for you, for sticking to your guns.

*pats OP on the back*

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