Dealing with people you don't get along with (advice??)

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  • 2 Post By ninja dog
  • 2 Post By curlypearl
  • 1 Post By ThickHairedQT
  • 2 Post By empressri

Okay, I'm relatively new to the boards and don't comment all that much, but I do read a lot of things on here and you ladies seem very level-headed and smart (which is not something you can say about a lot of message boards )

My mother began a relationship a few months ago and it's pretty serious. My mother is very much the type of person who becomes more and more unhappy the longer she goes without being in a relationship, because of this she's forced herself into some unnecessarily abusive relationships.
This guy, however, is neither verbally nor physically abusive. Compared to the others he's treated her the best she's ever been treated (albeit she acts like a completely different person around him to appease him, but she's an adult and that's her prerogative). I want to be supportive, if only for the fact that this is the best relationship she's had, and she desperately wants me to like him.
The thing is... I can't stand him. We just have clashing personalities. He's got a very "men know how to fix everything" vibe when he speaks and sometimes he makes little quips that imply he's smarter than me because he's older/male. I can tell he isn't outright trying to insult me, he's just generally around the type of women who allow him to act this way and it appears that he doesn't even know that's how he comes off.
It's even worse when he's talking to someone he isn't trying to get along with (he does want me to like him). He's condescending to waitresses for no reason and insults them while they're away from the table for their regional dialect or not knowing right away if they have a particular brand of drink he wants. And when he decided to treat me to dinner, something I appreciated, and asked where I wanted to go I named a greasy spoon type place and he continually mocked it for being "low class" (it's a place that my mother and I eat at frequently, so when I finally became annoyed and asked her to back me up that they DO have good food I was left without help from her).
It's really important to my mother for us to get along, but it's really just draining to be around all of his negativity. I can handle people like this in a professional situation, I just can't handle it when it's concerning family matters. Any suggestions for trying to get along with someone? (and my mother would LOSE IT if I dared be "rude" in front of him, or imply that I didn't think he was great)
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,530
This is a tough one.

I find I'm less patient with men than I am with women, because they so often seem to have at least one woman around who indulges their foibles.

The best I can offer is to say that people who insult others are often insecure themselves, so perhaps trying to recognize the fact that he somehow needs to feel more competent than "women" reflects his own issues, rather than his opinion of you.

(I put women in quotes because his is such a silly generalization; I know numerous women who can out-roof, out-electrify, or out-repair almost any guy they know.)

And......welcome!
curlypearl and Nallia like this.
This is a tough one.

I find I'm less patient with men than I am with women, because they so often seem to have at least one woman around who indulges their foibles.

The best I can offer is to say that people who insult others are often insecure themselves, so perhaps trying to recognize the fact that he somehow needs to feel more competent than "women" reflects his own issues, rather than his opinion of you.

(I put women in quotes because his is such a silly generalization; I know numerous women who can out-roof, out-electrify, or out-repair almost any guy they know.)

And......welcome!
Originally Posted by ninja dog
I had the same thought as the bolded as I was reading your post, Lightning. Perhaps your mom sees him as a "protective" male, since he seems to be following a stereotypically macho model.

It's a tough situation to be in but on the plus side, I think you already have a lot of insight. Unfortunately, I can't think of any helpful suggestions for how to get along with him but I hope some of the other curlies will chime in.
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I am in a similar situation with my mom.(she realllllllllly wants to get married again) I don't care much for her guy, he drinks too much, he doesn't like my dad even though he doesn't know him, he doesn't know how to act around other races and he feels that my mom should be able to drop everything and do what he wants (she still has two minors at home). She really wanted me to like him. She would put him on the phone, take me out to dinner etc.

But he doesn't top your mom's boyfriend lol he seems to be really annoying. I told my mom that I didn't care for her beau but, I also told her if she was happy with him then that's fine. She is an adult and has to make her own decisions and I just had to accept him no matter how much of a drunken douche he is. If he was treating her bad I would have a BIG problem with it and she knows how I can get. Since she knows how I feel she doesn't force me to become good buddies with him now. He and I are cordial with each other and we don't go into deep conversation.

Last edited by ThickHairedQT; 08-30-2011 at 07:42 PM.
Honestly tell her how you feel. My mom is the type that no matter what puts me and my sister first. If we don't approve of someone she wouldnt even continue the relationship. Of course not over minor things
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,530
I think that the OP has a different scenario, NaturalBeauty. Her mother clearly needs to be in a relationship. I think it's great that your parent is so responsive, but sadly, that's not a luxury all of us have (or have had).

I know I didn't.

RTL, if I've misjudged your situation, I apologize.
Yea my mom won't drop someone because her children dislike him. He would have to have done something completely inappropiate for that to happen. Single/divorced moms have needs and wants and there comes a time when they have to focus on what will make them happy (though their motives maybe off a little). They have to learn on their own.
curlypearl likes this.
Thanks for all your replies! It's good to know some others have been through something similar.

@ninjadog, you've assessed correctly. At this point nothing like what is happening would change her feelings about him. I've told her in some more... Gentle ways that we don't have matching personalities.
And today after reading some of your replies I called her and was going to have a chat, but she was busy with him and didn't want to talk about it, as well as informing me that the three of us have dinner plans again.
I'm going to try to meet her during her break at work (the only time she isn't with him) to talk to her about it. I think i just have to be persistant for her to realize that i'm trying, but it just isn't working.
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,530
Thanks for all your replies! It's good to know some others have been through something similar.

@ninjadog, you've assessed correctly. At this point nothing like what is happening would change her feelings about him. I've told her in some more... Gentle ways that we don't have matching personalities.
And today after reading some of your replies I called her and was going to have a chat, but she was busy with him and didn't want to talk about it, as well as informing me that the three of us have dinner plans again.
I'm going to try to meet her during her break at work (the only time she isn't with him) to talk to her about it. I think i just have to be persistant for her to realize that i'm trying, but it just isn't working.
Originally Posted by RideTheLightning
I think this sums things up.

I hope things go well. Glad you've joined us.
Here's how this goes, some women will think the sun shines out of their man's ass, and no one can tell them any different. So nothing you can say or do will make her see otherwise.

Now...I don't know if you live with your mom or what but if he's going to be an asshat I'd avoid him at all costs. If you try to explain to your mother that you don't feel comfy around him and she just brushes it off...fine. But YOU don't have to be around him.

If he's around I'd say hello and would politely excuse myself. If I don't like someone I don't pretend to, I'm too old and don't have that type of time. I will be cordial though as long as it's returned.

This guy probably doesn't realize that he's being a PITA cause I'm sure he's set in his ways and/or no one ever pointed out that he's annoying. Or if they did, it went through one ear and out the other. Cause you can't really change folks, he is how he is.
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