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Old 11-25-2011, 10:50 AM   #1
 
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Default Help me word something tactfully
So there's a local skate shop run by a roller derby player and she gives discounts to all the leagues in the area. I just branched off from my old league and about 20 of us formed a new league. We're incorporated non-profit with the state and are legit.

I want to send this skate shop a letter to introduce ourselves but also to ask(?) if she'll give us the discount, too, but I'm not sure how to do that tactfully.

Any suggestions on that one segment of the letter?
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Last edited by Springcurl; 11-25-2011 at 10:56 AM.
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Old 11-25-2011, 11:15 AM   #2
 
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I understand you have a discount program for area roller derby leagues. Would you consider offering this discount to the Springcurl League?
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Old 11-25-2011, 12:55 PM   #3
 
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^^ That looks good to me. Congrats on the new league.
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Old 11-25-2011, 01:21 PM   #4
 
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Thanks! How's this? (feel free to critique, tear to shreds and rewrite)

Quote:
Hello.

I'm writing on behalf of Worcester Roller Derby, Massachusetts' newest roller derby league. We are all female and non-profit and are beginning our first season. We will be sending you at least 10 fresh meat skaters for gear in the very near future-- and, of course, we'll be up for Christmas presents for ourselves very soon!

I know that Bruised Boutique offers league discounts and I'm wondering if you will be willing to extend that to WoRD as well.

Sincerely,

Slam Grier
(WoRD secretary)
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Old 11-25-2011, 02:09 PM   #5
 
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Thanks! How's this? (feel free to critique, tear to shreds and rewrite)

Quote:
Hello.

I'm writing on behalf of Worcester Roller Derby, Massachusetts' newest roller derby league. We are all female and non-profit and are beginning our first season. We will be sending you at least 10 fresh meat skaters for gear in the very near future-- and, of course, we'll be up for Christmas presents for ourselves very soon!

I know that Bruised Boutique offers league discounts and I'm wondering if you will be willing to extend that to WoRD as well.

Sincerely,

Slam Grier
(WoRD secretary)
-------------------------
I would goop it up a bit more, with:

I know that Bruised Boutique very generously offers league discounts. We'd be so grateful if you're able to extend that charitable offer to WoRD.

Thank you in advance for your kind consideration.

Sincerely,
My Very Cute Pug Dog (just kidding here)
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Old 11-25-2011, 02:28 PM   #6
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Springcurl View Post
Thanks! How's this? (feel free to critique, tear to shreds and rewrite)

Quote:
Hello.

I'm writing on behalf of Worcester Roller Derby, Massachusetts' newest roller derby league. We are all female and non-profit and are beginning our first season. We will be sending you at least 10 fresh meat skaters for gear in the very near future-- and, of course, we'll be up for Christmas presents for ourselves very soon!

I know that Bruised Boutique offers league discounts and I'm wondering if you will be willing to extend that to WoRD as well.

Sincerely,

Slam Grier
(WoRD secretary)
-------------------------
I would goop it up a bit more, with:

I know that Bruised Boutique very generously offers league discounts. We'd be so grateful if you're able to extend that charitable offer to WoRD.

Thank you in advance for your kind consideration.

Sincerely,
My Very Cute Pug Dog (just kidding here)
hee! I have to think about the goop part. The woman who owns the shop is also a derby player for Boston. We none of us are very goopy.
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Old 11-25-2011, 02:32 PM   #7
 
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Of course, use your best judgment. If you know the woman in question, go with what works.

Best luck!
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Old 11-25-2011, 02:51 PM   #8
 
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Of course, use your best judgment. If you know the woman in question, go with what works.

Best luck!
her name is Dee Stortion. Cool, eh?
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Old 11-25-2011, 03:06 PM   #9
 
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That sounds great. Good Luck!

Just being curious, why the new league?
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Old 11-25-2011, 04:45 PM   #10
 
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Of course, use your best judgment. If you know the woman in question, go with what works.

Best luck!
her name is Dee Stortion. Cool, eh?
If I could skate, I might join a league just for the fun of making up a name.
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Old 11-25-2011, 04:56 PM   #11
 
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Of course, use your best judgment. If you know the woman in question, go with what works.

Best luck!
her name is Dee Stortion. Cool, eh?
If I could skate, I might join a league just for the fun of making up a name.
But that's so hard because it has to be completely unique. If it's too close to one already in the database it'll get rejected, and then you're back to square one.
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Old 11-25-2011, 05:00 PM   #12
 
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That sounds great. Good Luck!

Just being curious, why the new league?
My old league was owner run. We elected a new board and then the owner decided that she didn't like the changes and disbanded the board. So the board (and about 15 other skaters) left and formed our own league!
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Old 11-25-2011, 05:03 PM   #13
 
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Originally Posted by ninja dog View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Springcurl View Post

her name is Dee Stortion. Cool, eh?
If I could skate, I might join a league just for the fun of making up a name.
But that's so hard because it has to be completely unique. If it's too close to one already in the database it'll get rejected, and then you're back to square one.
If I could skate, I'd risk it.
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Old 11-25-2011, 05:16 PM   #14
 
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Originally Posted by cailin View Post
That sounds great. Good Luck!

Just being curious, why the new league?
My old league was owner run. We elected a new board and then the owner decided that she didn't like the changes and disbanded the board. So the board (and about 15 other skaters) left and formed our own league!
That's ballsy! Good for you guys!

I've always wanted to join Roller Derby. I even went to a Boston Derby Dames practice skate and signed up. But I broke 2 vertebrae in a car accident in 2005 and eventually rethought the decision to join. I was told no contact sports...I think it's the first time I followed Dr's orders.
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Old 11-25-2011, 05:22 PM   #15
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cailin View Post
That sounds great. Good Luck!

Just being curious, why the new league?
My old league was owner run. We elected a new board and then the owner decided that she didn't like the changes and disbanded the board. So the board (and about 15 other skaters) left and formed our own league!
That's ballsy! Good for you guys!

I've always wanted to join Roller Derby. I even went to a Boston Derby Dames practice skate and signed up. But I broke 2 vertebrae in a car accident in 2005 and eventually rethought the decision to join. I was told no contact sports...I think it's the first time I followed Dr's orders.
Ugh, that's awful!!! If you still like the scene you could ref.
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