Help me word something tactfully

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So there's a local skate shop run by a roller derby player and she gives discounts to all the leagues in the area. I just branched off from my old league and about 20 of us formed a new league. We're incorporated non-profit with the state and are legit.

I want to send this skate shop a letter to introduce ourselves but also to ask(?) if she'll give us the discount, too, but I'm not sure how to do that tactfully.

Any suggestions on that one segment of the letter?


Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang




Last edited by Springcurl; 11-25-2011 at 10:56 AM.
I understand you have a discount program for area roller derby leagues. Would you consider offering this discount to the Springcurl League?
nynaeve77 and PhoenixThNuBlak like this.
^^ That looks good to me. Congrats on the new league.
Thanks! How's this? (feel free to critique, tear to shreds and rewrite)

Hello.

I'm writing on behalf of Worcester Roller Derby, Massachusetts' newest roller derby league. We are all female and non-profit and are beginning our first season. We will be sending you at least 10 fresh meat skaters for gear in the very near future-- and, of course, we'll be up for Christmas presents for ourselves very soon!

I know that Bruised Boutique offers league discounts and I'm wondering if you will be willing to extend that to WoRD as well.

Sincerely,

Slam Grier
(WoRD secretary)
Sigi and wavyblonde like this.


Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,533
Thanks! How's this? (feel free to critique, tear to shreds and rewrite)

Hello.

I'm writing on behalf of Worcester Roller Derby, Massachusetts' newest roller derby league. We are all female and non-profit and are beginning our first season. We will be sending you at least 10 fresh meat skaters for gear in the very near future-- and, of course, we'll be up for Christmas presents for ourselves very soon!

I know that Bruised Boutique offers league discounts and I'm wondering if you will be willing to extend that to WoRD as well.

Sincerely,

Slam Grier
(WoRD secretary)
Originally Posted by Springcurl
-------------------------
I would goop it up a bit more, with:

I know that Bruised Boutique very generously offers league discounts. We'd be so grateful if you're able to extend that charitable offer to WoRD.

Thank you in advance for your kind consideration.

Sincerely,
My Very Cute Pug Dog (just kidding here)
Thanks! How's this? (feel free to critique, tear to shreds and rewrite)

Hello.

I'm writing on behalf of Worcester Roller Derby, Massachusetts' newest roller derby league. We are all female and non-profit and are beginning our first season. We will be sending you at least 10 fresh meat skaters for gear in the very near future-- and, of course, we'll be up for Christmas presents for ourselves very soon!

I know that Bruised Boutique offers league discounts and I'm wondering if you will be willing to extend that to WoRD as well.

Sincerely,

Slam Grier
(WoRD secretary)
Originally Posted by Springcurl
-------------------------
I would goop it up a bit more, with:

I know that Bruised Boutique very generously offers league discounts. We'd be so grateful if you're able to extend that charitable offer to WoRD.

Thank you in advance for your kind consideration.

Sincerely,
My Very Cute Pug Dog (just kidding here)
Originally Posted by ninja dog
hee! I have to think about the goop part. The woman who owns the shop is also a derby player for Boston. We none of us are very goopy.


Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,533
Of course, use your best judgment. If you know the woman in question, go with what works.

Best luck!
Of course, use your best judgment. If you know the woman in question, go with what works.

Best luck!
Originally Posted by ninja dog
her name is Dee Stortion. Cool, eh?


Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



That sounds great. Good Luck!

Just being curious, why the new league?
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,533
Of course, use your best judgment. If you know the woman in question, go with what works.

Best luck!
Originally Posted by ninja dog
her name is Dee Stortion. Cool, eh?
Originally Posted by Springcurl
If I could skate, I might join a league just for the fun of making up a name.
Springcurl likes this.
Of course, use your best judgment. If you know the woman in question, go with what works.

Best luck!
Originally Posted by ninja dog
her name is Dee Stortion. Cool, eh?
Originally Posted by Springcurl
If I could skate, I might join a league just for the fun of making up a name.
Originally Posted by ninja dog
But that's so hard because it has to be completely unique. If it's too close to one already in the database it'll get rejected, and then you're back to square one.
Springcurl likes this.
That sounds great. Good Luck!

Just being curious, why the new league?
Originally Posted by cailin
My old league was owner run. We elected a new board and then the owner decided that she didn't like the changes and disbanded the board. So the board (and about 15 other skaters) left and formed our own league!


Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,533

her name is Dee Stortion. Cool, eh?
Originally Posted by Springcurl
If I could skate, I might join a league just for the fun of making up a name.
Originally Posted by ninja dog
But that's so hard because it has to be completely unique. If it's too close to one already in the database it'll get rejected, and then you're back to square one.
Originally Posted by Sigi
If I could skate, I'd risk it.
Sigi likes this.
That sounds great. Good Luck!

Just being curious, why the new league?
Originally Posted by cailin
My old league was owner run. We elected a new board and then the owner decided that she didn't like the changes and disbanded the board. So the board (and about 15 other skaters) left and formed our own league!
Originally Posted by Springcurl
That's ballsy! Good for you guys!

I've always wanted to join Roller Derby. I even went to a Boston Derby Dames practice skate and signed up. But I broke 2 vertebrae in a car accident in 2005 and eventually rethought the decision to join. I was told no contact sports...I think it's the first time I followed Dr's orders.
That sounds great. Good Luck!

Just being curious, why the new league?
Originally Posted by cailin
My old league was owner run. We elected a new board and then the owner decided that she didn't like the changes and disbanded the board. So the board (and about 15 other skaters) left and formed our own league!
Originally Posted by Springcurl
That's ballsy! Good for you guys!

I've always wanted to join Roller Derby. I even went to a Boston Derby Dames practice skate and signed up. But I broke 2 vertebrae in a car accident in 2005 and eventually rethought the decision to join. I was told no contact sports...I think it's the first time I followed Dr's orders.
Originally Posted by cailin
Ugh, that's awful!!! If you still like the scene you could ref.
Sigi likes this.


Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



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