Is this REALLY that unforgettable? (relationship issue)

My opinion: something happened prior to this to make it where he doesn't trust you..for whatever reason. And you sitting on the phone with a guy friend while he was sitting there made him feel threatened or like you're "up to something". For some reason he feels that way.
Originally Posted by Meghuney
That's how I see it too... I do think it is somewhat of a red flag, especially in that he is still bringing it up so much after days. But yeah, it would probably bother me too if I were him, especially since the guy said he had feelings for her.

I don't think she should have to give up her friends and he shouldn't make her choose, but that would bother most people really. He really does need to STFU about it now, after three days.
Originally Posted by Rheanna83
The guy that said he has feelings for her is a different guy, not the one that was on the phone. The guy on the phone doesn't even live anywhere near her.

ETA: The whole thing with the ex confessing his feelings reminds me of why I have a "handle your own business" philosophy in relationships. I assume, kurls, that you TOLD your boyfriend about this ex's confession? I don't know WHY you would do that... if your intention was to make him jealous, you got more than you bargained for. To my mind, that was nothing he needed to know, and now you have to put up with him questioning every male friendship you have. All you needed to do was make it clear to the ex that you are in a relationship and it's not going to happen with him, and then adjust your relationship/contact with him accordingly. It has nothing to do with current BF. Wouldn't you think it was stupid if he told you a similar story about his ex? I sure would.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











My opinion: something happened prior to this to make it where he doesn't trust you..for whatever reason. And you sitting on the phone with a guy friend while he was sitting there made him feel threatened or like you're "up to something". For some reason he feels that way.
Originally Posted by Meghuney
That's how I see it too... I do think it is somewhat of a red flag, especially in that he is still bringing it up so much after days. But yeah, it would probably bother me too if I were him, especially since the guy said he had feelings for her.

I don't think she should have to give up her friends and he shouldn't make her choose, but that would bother most people really. He really does need to STFU about it now, after three days.
Originally Posted by Rheanna83
The guy that said he has feelings for her is a different guy, not the one that was on the phone. The guy on the phone doesn't even live anywhere near her.
Originally Posted by Amneris
Oh! I got confused. So it was the ex (who does live in the same city that she no longer talks to) that said he had feelings for her. The other guy is just and has always been just a friend, right?

If so, then yes, he reaaaaaally needs to shut up about it and let it go, and it is definitely a red flag. I suppose it is rude to be on the phone for half an hour while he is sitting next to her, especially if she only gets to see him on the weekends, but I don't think it warrants that sort of a reaction!
My opinion: something happened prior to this to make it where he doesn't trust you..for whatever reason. And you sitting on the phone with a guy friend while he was sitting there made him feel threatened or like you're "up to something". For some reason he feels that way.
Originally Posted by Meghuney
But how can she be up to something if he is right there and everyone heard her, since as she stated she was talking loudly. Plus, she apologized how many times now? And if he doesn't trust her, then he needs to not be with her. IMO.
Originally Posted by gekko422
Maybe he felt that she was talking in a flirtatious manner to this friend? Maybe she was inadvertently? Maybe the boyfriend feels like this friend has ulterior motives, etc?

I agree with Meghuney, this is about something other than just this one phone call as Kurls even stated herself.
If there were more people on earth who desired their own happiness more than the unhappiness of others we would have a paradise ~ Bertrand Russell
So let me get this straight.

She was talkng to a male friend, while she had guest, who said her loud talking woke them up. MEANING she was not ignoring them cause uh er ah, they were asleep.

Boyfriend sat all up on her while she was on the phone. In my eyes, he was rude. He was trying to force her to get off the phone.

He really needs to get over himself.


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My opinion: something happened prior to this to make it where he doesn't trust you..for whatever reason. And you sitting on the phone with a guy friend while he was sitting there made him feel threatened or like you're "up to something". For some reason he feels that way.
Originally Posted by Meghuney
I do agree that there could be a history there to make it happen.


(Trenellm, love the "waassuup" picture. )
My boyfriend was up this weekend, and my roommate had her fiance up also. We'll all hanging out, and my cell phone rings. It's one of my buddies from FL calling - it was 9am - and he for whatever reason was just shooting the breeze...asking how my weekend was, how I was doing, telling me about how he and his sister are coming up soon and would like us all to get together. NOW, in the midst of this 'general' conversation, everyone is mulling around and my BF comes IN the livingroom and sits next to me on the couch while I'm talking - which is fine with me because I wasn't being shady or sneaking around. Within MINUTES, he shoots me this look, jumps UP from the couch and storms off. I get off the phone minutes later, run in the back to explain myself, and he proceeds to tell me he is NOT cool with this, blah blah blah.

So we all sit down to eat, and when we're done and just talking - he brings up how RUDE it was of me to be on the phone with some other dude while HE was right there - AND while everyone was around!! How that was embarassing to him, and disrespectful...and that he feels that if I'm THAT bold to talk to a guy while he's there, then he has no CLUE what I do when he's NOT there or whom I talk to. That was MONDAY - and now it's Wed, and everytime I TALK to BF, he is bringing up how RUDE I was and how he is so hurt by what I did...how he is uneasy now about 'us', and how he now isn't sure if I'm being 'faithful' to him or not.

A QUICK flashback story on why he is THIS upset...is because my ex and I have been good friends for YEARS. I even introduced the 2 of them (ex and BF). But BF made it clear that my 'close' relationship with my ex made him uncomfortable, and although I put up a fight for months, I finally decided that it wasn't worth the hassle, and limited my association with my ex...out of respect for my BF. So THAT happened all of 3 weeks ago and is still 'fresh' in BF's mind...and he doesn't cease to remind me of THAT situation when he can.

So what can I do???? I told him today on the phone that I will NOT allow him to beat me up over what happened this weekend - that I admit that it was rude and just plain 'inappropriate', and I've apologized as much as I could. But yet, he can't let GO of this situation....underlying issue being that he feels that my guy friends all 'want' me and that having them around is disrespecting our relationship. How do I get him to let this mess GO????
Originally Posted by kurls
First off, he's asking that you get rid of friends (an ex) that you've had for YEARS. Even though he's met the guy and all of that, which was three weeks ago, he's still not comfy with you being faithful. So, now that a GUY friend called over the weekend, he's not comfy with that.

You can't "get him" to let this mess go...and I don't think it's a mess. I think that he has trust issues, personally. I don't think that you did anything in the past to make him not trust you, it just might be him...unless of course you DID do something to make him feel this way. You weren't rude, IMO. Your OP indicates that people were "mulling around" doing other things. I probably would have told the caller that I was busy, could I call him later? But staying on the phone with him, with people who weren't techinically "guests" there...not a big deal, IMO.

At any rate, are you willing to keep going through this? Are you willing to not have male friends, and/or get rid of the male friends that you currently DO have? Even if you do that, who is to say that he won't keep bringing this up. I don't think that it's the start of an abusive relationship like others have mentioned. I just think that he's insecure. Whether or not you want to try and deal with that is up to you...I have been through it and it's not fun. It sucks.

I know that I am probably older than you, but I would so not deal with this junk. If he brought it up again, I would probably tell him that until he can move on and talk about something else to not bother calling me.
My boyfriend was up this weekend, and my roommate had her fiance up also. We'll all hanging out, and my cell phone rings. It's one of my buddies from FL calling - it was 9am - and he for whatever reason was just shooting the breeze...asking how my weekend was, how I was doing, telling me about how he and his sister are coming up soon and would like us all to get together. NOW, in the midst of this 'general' conversation, everyone is mulling around and my BF comes IN the livingroom and sits next to me on the couch while I'm talking - which is fine with me because I wasn't being shady or sneaking around. Within MINUTES, he shoots me this look, jumps UP from the couch and storms off. I get off the phone minutes later, run in the back to explain myself, and he proceeds to tell me he is NOT cool with this, blah blah blah.

So we all sit down to eat, and when we're done and just talking - he brings up how RUDE it was of me to be on the phone with some other dude while HE was right there - AND while everyone was around!! How that was embarassing to him, and disrespectful...and that he feels that if I'm THAT bold to talk to a guy while he's there, then he has no CLUE what I do when he's NOT there or whom I talk to. That was MONDAY - and now it's Wed, and everytime I TALK to BF, he is bringing up how RUDE I was and how he is so hurt by what I did...how he is uneasy now about 'us', and how he now isn't sure if I'm being 'faithful' to him or not.

A QUICK flashback story on why he is THIS upset...is because my ex and I have been good friends for YEARS. I even introduced the 2 of them (ex and BF). But BF made it clear that my 'close' relationship with my ex made him uncomfortable, and although I put up a fight for months, I finally decided that it wasn't worth the hassle, and limited my association with my ex...out of respect for my BF. So THAT happened all of 3 weeks ago and is still 'fresh' in BF's mind...and he doesn't cease to remind me of THAT situation when he can.

So what can I do???? I told him today on the phone that I will NOT allow him to beat me up over what happened this weekend - that I admit that it was rude and just plain 'inappropriate', and I've apologized as much as I could. But yet, he can't let GO of this situation....underlying issue being that he feels that my guy friends all 'want' me and that having them around is disrespecting our relationship. How do I get him to let this mess GO????
Originally Posted by kurls
First off, he's asking that you get rid of friends (an ex) that you've had for YEARS. Even though he's met the guy and all of that, which was three weeks ago, he's still not comfy with you being faithful. So, now that a GUY friend called over the weekend, he's not comfy with that.

You can't "get him" to let this mess go...and I don't think it's a mess. I think that he has trust issues, personally. I don't think that you did anything in the past to make him not trust you, it just might be him...unless of course you DID do something to make him feel this way. You weren't rude, IMO. Your OP indicates that people were "mulling around" doing other things. I probably would have told the caller that I was busy, could I call him later? But staying on the phone with him, with people who weren't techinically "guests" there...not a big deal, IMO.

At any rate, are you willing to keep going through this? Are you willing to not have male friends, and/or get rid of the male friends that you currently DO have? Even if you do that, who is to say that he won't keep bringing this up. I don't think that it's the start of an abusive relationship like others have mentioned. I just think that he's insecure. Whether or not you want to try and deal with that is up to you...I have been through it and it's not fun. It sucks.

I know that I am probably older than you, but I would so not deal with this junk. If he brought it up again, I would probably tell him that until he can move on and talk about something else to not bother calling me.
Originally Posted by M2LR & Co.
I agree with everything here, except possibly the signs of abuse thing.

The questions I bolded are definitely things to ask yourself.

I also would tell him to get over it or get lost.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











[until he can move on and talk about something else to not bother calling me.
Originally Posted by M2LR & Co.
In other words, STFU already.
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[until he can move on and talk about something else to not bother calling me.
Originally Posted by M2LR & Co.
In other words, STFU already.
Originally Posted by gekko422
I can totally picture myself saying, 'Dood, when are you going to STFU about that? ****. '
i agree with those who say he sounds incredibly insecure, and thus controlling. for those that say there must be something going on to make him react this way, only the op can answer that. if there isn't anything blatant that's happened, then it is clearly his own insecurity at the heart of the matter.

in my experience, there will never be anything that the op can to to assuage his insecurity. nothing. ever. it will never end - first it will be the ex, then all the male friends, then the guy who smiled too readily at her when he handed her the change at the grocery store, and on, and on ...

the op needs to ask herself if she is willing to accept living like this, because the above mentioned is case, it won't change.

m
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i agree with those who say he sounds incredibly insecure, and thus controlling. for those that say there must be something going on to make him react this way, only the op can answer that. if there isn't anything blatant that's happened, then it is clearly his own insecurity at the heart of the matter.

in my experience, there will never be anything that the op can to to assuage his insecurity. nothing. ever. it will never end - first it will be the ex, then all the male friends, then the guy who smiled too readily at her when he handed her the change at the grocery store, and on, and on ...

the op needs to ask herself if she is willing to accept living like this, because the above mentioned is case, it won't change.

m
Originally Posted by mayim
I have done NOTHING to make this man doubt my feelings for him OR to think I'm not faithful. I have NEVER EVER cheated on him...and never would. To me, if you're not happy in a situation - then leave, no cheating involved! It IS his own insecurity - and he admits that. We talked last night and he said that he doesn't have a problem with me HAVING male friends - because reality is that I have tons of them! But his issue is in how I 'relate' to them and how I conduct myself with him there...and when he's not. Unfortunately since him coming into my life, some of the guys I thought were just 'friends' have been LESS then kind to him and have (by their behavior) made their TRUE intentions known. With that, it's set him off and made him question WHY I would bother keeping these dudes around as 'friends' if I KNOW that is not really what they want. ONE of these 'friends' went so far as to send me flowers and a card on a day he KNEW BF was going to be at my place...and then when I confronted him about it, he pleaded the 5th, acted like it wasn't a big deal - all of which I TOLD BF because I want us to be honest and not have him thinking I'm being shady. But in the meantime, I cut that 'dude' OFF!!! Have nothing to do with him - out of respect for BF and because I have no feelings for this 'friend' like that. BUT these 'friends' coming out the woodwork have been going on since we started dating....so in that aspect, THAT is the history behind his insecurity towards ME. Now the reason for his insecurity (on a personal level) has nothing to do with me at all....that stems from issues in his own past.
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
Kurls, I'm sorry to say this but this sounds like an abusive relationship in the making. If not physically, then emotionally/mentally.

He has been making you feel guilty for THREE DAYS about talking to a friend on the phone??

Like Amneris said, this is how abusers begin to exert control over people.
Originally Posted by iris427
Yep. I had a relationship like this in college for 3 years. When I finally got fed up and broke up with him he got SCARY, constantly calling, leaving things I gave him broken at my door, listening at my apartment door (we lived three doors down from each other) and my parents feared for my life.

This exact situation could have happened in that relationship. If we went out to a bar and I went up to get our drinks, sometimes I would have to go between two people sitting at the bar. I recall someone saying hi to me, me saying hi back, getting the drinks, then getting "in trouble" with boyfriend for talking to the guy.
In his mind, the guy was hitting on me by saying hi and by me not responding with "f you" or something similar, I was playing along. Dont' put yourself through this. It's so not worth it.
I'm not saying the SOMETHING was a big thing that happened to make him feel like he can't trust you...heck, it may have been something BEFORE your relationship to make him so insecure. But his reaction to your phone call says to me that he is insecure and seeing you on the phone with another guy made him think something was going on.


And there is ONE thing I'm confused about. If everyone was sleeping, why was he upset that you were on the phone with some guy all in front of everyone? Him being so worried about what other people think makes me think that maybe these other people have been telling him about you and someone else (???) and he didn't want to look stupid in front of them or something. I dunno.

I've been on both sides of this before...where you are and where he is. It's no fun either way. But if someone is that insecure and that worried and distrustful...it usually never lasts very long.
I'm not saying the SOMETHING was a big thing that happened to make him feel like he can't trust you...heck, it may have been something BEFORE your relationship to make him so insecure. But his reaction to your phone call says to me that he is insecure and seeing you on the phone with another guy made him think something was going on.


And there is ONE thing I'm confused about. If everyone was sleeping, why was he upset that you were on the phone with some guy all in front of everyone? Him being so worried about what other people think makes me think that maybe these other people have been telling him about you and someone else (???) and he didn't want to look stupid in front of them or something. I dunno.

I've been on both sides of this before...where you are and where he is. It's no fun either way. But if someone is that insecure and that worried and distrustful...it usually never lasts very long.
Originally Posted by Meghuney
THe last 2 relationships he was in, both did SHADY stuff to him...(and he dished out his own fair share of shadiness), so with that, comes the insecurity. STILL is something that I shouldn't have to 'make up' for...it's something he has to learn to deal with. I love him to death, but dag, that stuff is crazy!!

Everyone was asleep (including myself) when the phone rang. I got it and went back to lay down on the couch...as I talked, i woke up, and from what everyone says, they could HEAR me laughing and talking - so I take it that meant I was loud. So then BF got up and came and sat next to me, and then everyone ELSE got up and was mulling around. So at first all were asleep, but then supposively because of my LOUD conversation, I woke everyone up. He said that the fact that everyone could hear my conversation and that they all could tell it was with a another guy, and how embarassing that was to him - AND - that I continued to talk on the phone despite him getting up and everyone else getting up and roaming around....
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
i agree with those who say he sounds incredibly insecure, and thus controlling. for those that say there must be something going on to make him react this way, only the op can answer that. if there isn't anything blatant that's happened, then it is clearly his own insecurity at the heart of the matter.

in my experience, there will never be anything that the op can to to assuage his insecurity. nothing. ever. it will never end - first it will be the ex, then all the male friends, then the guy who smiled too readily at her when he handed her the change at the grocery store, and on, and on ...

the op needs to ask herself if she is willing to accept living like this, because the above mentioned is case, it won't change.

m
Originally Posted by mayim
I have done NOTHING to make this man doubt my feelings for him OR to think I'm not faithful. I have NEVER EVER cheated on him...and never would. To me, if you're not happy in a situation - then leave, no cheating involved! It IS his own insecurity - and he admits that. We talked last night and he said that he doesn't have a problem with me HAVING male friends - because reality is that I have tons of them! But his issue is in how I 'relate' to them and how I conduct myself with him there...and when he's not. Unfortunately since him coming into my life, some of the guys I thought were just 'friends' have been LESS then kind to him and have (by their behavior) made their TRUE intentions known. With that, it's set him off and made him question WHY I would bother keeping these dudes around as 'friends' if I KNOW that is not really what they want. ONE of these 'friends' went so far as to send me flowers and a card on a day he KNEW BF was going to be at my place...and then when I confronted him about it, he pleaded the 5th, acted like it wasn't a big deal - all of which I TOLD BF because I want us to be honest and not have him thinking I'm being shady. But in the meantime, I cut that 'dude' OFF!!! Have nothing to do with him - out of respect for BF and because I have no feelings for this 'friend' like that. BUT these 'friends' coming out the woodwork have been going on since we started dating....so in that aspect, THAT is the history behind his insecurity towards ME. Now the reason for his insecurity (on a personal level) has nothing to do with me at all....that stems from issues in his own past.
Originally Posted by kurls
Please forgive me for stepping in late here. I agree with so many who are warning you to be careful.
The part I bolded above sounds condratictory to me. He doesn't mind that you have male friends, but he minds how you relate to them? So, you can have male friends, but you shouldn't talk or have contact with them?
I apologize if I'm reading that incorrectly. It really does sound like the abuse/mind control that others have been talking about. Please think carefully about continuing this kind of relationship.
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Be very careful. Especially because his argument had little to no merit, but he still got you to apologize. For such a tiny incident, there is no reason why you should have to go through three days feeling like you are treading on thin ice.
[until he can move on and talk about something else to not bother calling me.
Originally Posted by M2LR & Co.
In other words, STFU already.
Originally Posted by gekko422
Righto
Now the reason for his insecurity (on a personal level) has nothing to do with me at all....that stems from issues in his own past.
Originally Posted by kurls
And therein lies a HUGE problem. You cant help him get over that. Therefore, you have alot to think about. As other posters have asked, are you willing to put up with his issues long term? Be very careful Kurls.


THe last 2 relationships he was in, both did SHADY stuff to him...(and he dished out his own fair share of shadiness), so with that, comes the insecurity. STILL is something that I shouldn't have to 'make up' for...it's something he has to learn to deal with. I love him to death, but dag, that stuff is crazy!!
Originally Posted by kurls
Another BIG red flag here for me. People like this often claim that their exes did things so they can use it as an excuse to treat you like crap or cover up suspicious things in their past.

As for him being "shady" in his past relationships, what do you mean? How do you know he won't treat you the same way, if he has a history of treating women poorly? IMO, he is already treating you poorly.

When you say "I love him to death but that stuff's crazy!!" you sound like someone ignoring the warning signs. I've seen a lot of people do this and it just leads to trouble. Crazy is not good, kurls.

But only you can decide if you want to continue this relationship. Is there someone you can talk to about this?

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