Is this REALLY that unforgettable? (relationship issue)


I have done NOTHING to make this man doubt my feelings for him OR to think I'm not faithful. I have NEVER EVER cheated on him...and never would. To me, if you're not happy in a situation - then leave, no cheating involved! It IS his own insecurity - and he admits that. We talked last night and he said that he doesn't have a problem with me HAVING male friends - because reality is that I have tons of them! But his issue is in how I 'relate' to them and how I conduct myself with him there...and when he's not. Unfortunately since him coming into my life, some of the guys I thought were just 'friends' have been LESS then kind to him and have (by their behavior) made their TRUE intentions known. With that, it's set him off and made him question WHY I would bother keeping these dudes around as 'friends' if I KNOW that is not really what they want. ONE of these 'friends' went so far as to send me flowers and a card on a day he KNEW BF was going to be at my place...and then when I confronted him about it, he pleaded the 5th, acted like it wasn't a big deal - all of which I TOLD BF because I want us to be honest and not have him thinking I'm being shady. But in the meantime, I cut that 'dude' OFF!!! Have nothing to do with him - out of respect for BF and because I have no feelings for this 'friend' like that. BUT these 'friends' coming out the woodwork have been going on since we started dating....so in that aspect, THAT is the history behind his insecurity towards ME. Now the reason for his insecurity (on a personal level) has nothing to do with me at all....that stems from issues in his own past.
Originally Posted by kurls


Based on the part that I have bolded, how long are you willing to deal with his PAST? How many more times does something like Monday night need to happen and how many apologies will you make (for doing nothing wrong) until he's happy?

I went through this, and ultimately, I ended up resenting the guy for all that he put me through because of HIS insecurities, which in turn caused mine to surface as well. We were together for four years, almost got married.
Dude needs to grow the **** up, grow some balls, and get over his own ****.

You deserve to be treated better and not have a jealous, insecure guy mad at you because someone else didn't love him enough.
Stephen Fry on "respect" and being "offended".
Calgon take me away.
Unfortunately since him coming into my life, some of the guys I thought were just 'friends' have been LESS then kind to him and have (by their behavior) made their TRUE intentions known. With that, it's set him off and made him question WHY I would bother keeping these dudes around as 'friends' if I KNOW that is not really what they want. ONE of these 'friends' went so far as to send me flowers and a card on a day he KNEW BF was going to be at my place...and then when I confronted him about it, he pleaded the 5th, acted like it wasn't a big deal - all
Can you honestly say that any of these male friends have purely platonic intentions towards you?
If there were more people on earth who desired their own happiness more than the unhappiness of others we would have a paradise ~ Bertrand Russell


THe last 2 relationships he was in, both did SHADY stuff to him...(and he dished out his own fair share of shadiness), so with that, comes the insecurity. STILL is something that I shouldn't have to 'make up' for...it's something he has to learn to deal with. I love him to death, but dag, that stuff is crazy!!
Originally Posted by kurls
Another BIG red flag here for me. People like this often claim that their exes did things so they can use it as an excuse to treat you like crap or cover up suspicious things in their past.

As for him being "shady" in his past relationships, what do you mean? How do you know he won't treat you the same way, if he has a history of treating women poorly? IMO, he is already treating you poorly.

When you say "I love him to death but that stuff's crazy!!" you sound like someone ignoring the warning signs. I've seen a lot of people do this and it just leads to trouble. Crazy is not good, kurls.

But only you can decide if you want to continue this relationship. Is there someone you can talk to about this?
Originally Posted by iris427
I will say this much about him - he does not use his 'past' as an excuse for now - never has. Does it make SENSE why he acts the way he has - yes. But that is and there will never be an EXCUSE for abusive behavior. When I say he's been 'shady', I mean based on the kind of person he USED to be and he has told me the things he was involved in and used to do. Sadly, he had such a 'reputation' back in the day that friends of mine in Philly that KNOW him, have been able to confirm everything he's told me. BUT, at that time he was up to no good - he had strayed from his family and from his religious beliefs - but since has come back for a couple years now and has been living his life accordingly. Because of that, I feel it's 'ok' to give him the benefit of the doubt in this regard...but I also understand that some of this is just flat out projection. HE was a suspicious person to his gf's back in the day, so I'm sure he's 'reliving' things now and thinking that all the dirt he did is gonna come BACK on him now through me. Unfortunately, he's letting his 'suspicion' get the best of him...and it's going too far now.
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
Unfortunately since him coming into my life, some of the guys I thought were just 'friends' have been LESS then kind to him and have (by their behavior) made their TRUE intentions known. With that, it's set him off and made him question WHY I would bother keeping these dudes around as 'friends' if I KNOW that is not really what they want. ONE of these 'friends' went so far as to send me flowers and a card on a day he KNEW BF was going to be at my place...and then when I confronted him about it, he pleaded the 5th, acted like it wasn't a big deal - all
Can you honestly say that any of these male friends have purely platonic intentions towards you?
Originally Posted by KatieCoolLady
She already said that her ex, who is one of these friends, admitted he wanted more than friendship.

If these "friends" are acting like this and you love your boyfriend, I think you do have a decision to make. Their behavior is fueling his feelings of insecurity and it seems you are allowing it by continuing to hang out with them.
I used to have a signature but it disappeared and I just couldn't be bothered writing another so please feel free to ingore this.
Unfortunately since him coming into my life, some of the guys I thought were just 'friends' have been LESS then kind to him and have (by their behavior) made their TRUE intentions known. With that, it's set him off and made him question WHY I would bother keeping these dudes around as 'friends' if I KNOW that is not really what they want. ONE of these 'friends' went so far as to send me flowers and a card on a day he KNEW BF was going to be at my place...and then when I confronted him about it, he pleaded the 5th, acted like it wasn't a big deal - all
Can you honestly say that any of these male friends have purely platonic intentions towards you?
Originally Posted by KatieCoolLady
Yes and no. I will give SOME of them credit, cause they have stuck by me and been there for me thru and thru. BUT there are those that since finding out I am dating and have a BF, have caused 'rifts' with me - and have not been nice nor supportive. THAT has been the majority of them!! So technically, these guys I thought really were my friends, weren't in it for REAL....they had motives.
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
Unfortunately since him coming into my life, some of the guys I thought were just 'friends' have been LESS then kind to him and have (by their behavior) made their TRUE intentions known. With that, it's set him off and made him question WHY I would bother keeping these dudes around as 'friends' if I KNOW that is not really what they want. ONE of these 'friends' went so far as to send me flowers and a card on a day he KNEW BF was going to be at my place...and then when I confronted him about it, he pleaded the 5th, acted like it wasn't a big deal - all
Can you honestly say that any of these male friends have purely platonic intentions towards you?
Originally Posted by KatieCoolLady
She already said that her ex, who is one of these friends, admitted he wanted more than friendship.

If these "friends" are acting like this and you love your boyfriend, I think you do have a decision to make. Their behavior is fueling his feelings of insecurity and it seems you are allowing it by continuing to hang out with them.
Originally Posted by CGE
THAT is exactly his point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He feels that these guys (because of how they have reacted to him and I) are NOT real friends to me - and some have come out and made their true feelings known - all SINCE I've been dating BF. BUT in my own mind, I figured it wasn't a big deal......ok, so they like me, so what??? I don't want them!!! But to him, it's not that easy, and so he admits to my having these guys around, when I KNOW they want more then friendship with me, is not only playing with their feelings but adding to his insecurity. And by me continuing to invite them out with me or to bring them around HIM - is being disrespectful to our relationship.
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!


THe last 2 relationships he was in, both did SHADY stuff to him...(and he dished out his own fair share of shadiness), so with that, comes the insecurity. STILL is something that I shouldn't have to 'make up' for...it's something he has to learn to deal with. I love him to death, but dag, that stuff is crazy!!
Originally Posted by kurls
Another BIG red flag here for me. People like this often claim that their exes did things so they can use it as an excuse to treat you like crap or cover up suspicious things in their past.

As for him being "shady" in his past relationships, what do you mean? How do you know he won't treat you the same way, if he has a history of treating women poorly? IMO, he is already treating you poorly.

When you say "I love him to death but that stuff's crazy!!" you sound like someone ignoring the warning signs. I've seen a lot of people do this and it just leads to trouble. Crazy is not good, kurls.

But only you can decide if you want to continue this relationship. Is there someone you can talk to about this?
Originally Posted by iris427
I will say this much about him - he does not use his 'past' as an excuse for now - never has.
Unfortunately, he's letting his 'suspicion' get the best of him...and it's going too far now.
Originally Posted by kurls
Perhaps I am not getting something, or reading TOO much into it, but your previous posts indicate that he's being this way because of his past??? He might not be coming right out and saying it, but YOU are using those excuses for him. If he's letting his suspicions get the best of him, then yes, he's allowing that past behavior and experience to affect the way that he feels about you.

Not sure that the relationship is a good thing, JUST based on your posts. Of course, I don't know you, him, nor the relationship personally, but just judging on your posts about things that are going on, I can't see this as being a good relationship.
Unfortunately since him coming into my life, some of the guys I thought were just 'friends' have been LESS then kind to him and have (by their behavior) made their TRUE intentions known. With that, it's set him off and made him question WHY I would bother keeping these dudes around as 'friends' if I KNOW that is not really what they want. ONE of these 'friends' went so far as to send me flowers and a card on a day he KNEW BF was going to be at my place...and then when I confronted him about it, he pleaded the 5th, acted like it wasn't a big deal - all
Can you honestly say that any of these male friends have purely platonic intentions towards you?
Originally Posted by KatieCoolLady
Yes and no. I will give SOME of them credit, cause they have stuck by me and been there for me thru and thru. BUT there are those that since finding out I am dating and have a BF, have caused 'rifts' with me - and have not been nice nor supportive. THAT has been the majority of them!! So technically, these guys I thought really were my friends, weren't in it for REAL....they had motives.
Originally Posted by kurls
That has been my experience with most male friends too.

What you need to understand is that your bf probably knows the intentions of most men better than you or I do so he is perhaps justified in being leery of most if not all of these guys.

So I can definitely understand his POV and why such a phone call might be so upsetting adding in all of the other information you have provided.

I don't know that I would automatically label him an abuser with a problem. It may just be immaturity coupled with the fact that you have a lot of men with less than pure intentions taking up your time.

Of course you shouldn't have to put up with any BS from your boyfriend, but you 2 should be able to talk honestly about this, put yourselves in each others shoes, and deeply empathize with each others feelings, etc.
If there were more people on earth who desired their own happiness more than the unhappiness of others we would have a paradise ~ Bertrand Russell

Perhaps I am not getting something, or reading TOO much into it, but your previous posts indicate that he's being this way because of his past??? He might not be coming right out and saying it, but YOU are using those excuses for him. If he's letting his suspicions get the best of him, then yes, he's allowing that past behavior and experience to affect the way that he feels about you.

Not sure that the relationship is a good thing, JUST based on your posts. Of course, I don't know you, him, nor the relationship personally, but just judging on your posts about things that are going on, I can't see this as being a good relationship.
Originally Posted by M2LR & Co.
ITA

I don't think it matters if some of her male friends might have feelings for her. If they are not acting on it and she is not encouraging it, why can't she be friends with them?

It doesn't excuse his behavior in any way, because if he trusts her he wouldn't be treating her like this. And it's not like he's saying "I don't want you to hang out with your ex." He's saying he doesn't want her to have male friends. At all.

No guy should ever try to control who you are friends with.

THAT is exactly his point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He feels that these guys (because of how they have reacted to him and I) are NOT real friends to me - and some have come out and made their true feelings known - all SINCE I've been dating BF. BUT in my own mind, I figured it wasn't a big deal......ok, so they like me, so what??? I don't want them!!! But to him, it's not that easy, and so he admits to my having these guys around, when I KNOW they want more then friendship with me, is not only playing with their feelings but adding to his insecurity. And by me continuing to invite them out with me or to bring them around HIM - is being disrespectful to our relationship.
Originally Posted by kurls
I agree with him.

I know I wouldn't have been happy dating someone who had a ton of girl friends who made it clear they wanted him and sent him things. And I certainly would not have been happy if he continued to go out with them or was on the phone with them while I was in town visiting.

It IS playing with their feelings and frankly, playing with him, too. It's like you want to best of both worlds, have a boyfriend, but also have a lot of guys that want you. You have to figure out which is more important and work on it. You don't have to drop your friends, but you do have to set boundaries.
I used to have a signature but it disappeared and I just couldn't be bothered writing another so please feel free to ingore this.
Thanks to everyone's opinions here ON the situation - I know I do NOT and will not tolerate this behavior anymore - it's unnecessary.

BUT, am I wrong for admitting that I may have 'brought' this on - to a minor degree?? I can be flirtatious - not intentionally - and also knowing that these guys have motives (once I found out), keeping them around IS like a slap in BF's face. Also, I know full WELL that if BF's ex were to continue to contact him, and he'd hang out with her, it would eat away at me!!! I wouldn't be able to handle that at all.....so putting myself in HIS shoes, I CAN see why he got upset.
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
BUT, am I wrong for admitting that I may have 'brought' this on - to a minor degree?? I can be flirtatious - not intentionally - and also knowing that these guys have motives (once I found out), keeping them around IS like a slap in BF's face. Also, I know full WELL that if BF's ex were to continue to contact him, and he'd hang out with her, it would eat away at me!!! I wouldn't be able to handle that at all.....so putting myself in HIS shoes, I CAN see why he got upset.
No, you are not wrong at all. You are very mature to be able to admit your role in this situation.

It really is about having some regard for your SO's feelings (and expecting that he do the same for you).

If these men do not have pure intentions toward you, then my advice is to let them go on their merry ways because relationships are hard enough without allowing 3rd parties to muck things up by trying to get with you or sleep with you basically in disrespect of you, of your boyfriend, and ultimately of your relationship.
If there were more people on earth who desired their own happiness more than the unhappiness of others we would have a paradise ~ Bertrand Russell
Thanks to everyone's opinions here ON the situation - I know I do NOT and will not tolerate this behavior anymore - it's unnecessary.

BUT, am I wrong for admitting that I may have 'brought' this on - to a minor degree?? I can be flirtatious - not intentionally - and also knowing that these guys have motives (once I found out), keeping them around IS like a slap in BF's face. Also, I know full WELL that if BF's ex were to continue to contact him, and he'd hang out with her, it would eat away at me!!! I wouldn't be able to handle that at all.....so putting myself in HIS shoes, I CAN see why he got upset.
Originally Posted by kurls
No, you're not wrong for admitting that you might have brought it on. It's also not a slap in the face to him. If he had a past before you, why can't you ahve had one too? One that included male friends and having fun with them, etc? If you think that him having an ex hang out would eat away at you, then that's a bit hypocritical and not fair for you to be mad at him for reacting the same way...know what I mean? If you can be flirtatious with some of these guys, I would just suggest to pay more attention to how YOU react to those friends, and see if you can tone it down, control the situation.

GL!!!
I'm beginning to think that you BOTH need to grow TFU. I'm beginning to see another picture here based on your last set of posts Kurls....flirting with guys while you are in a relationship, guys that you KEEP as frriends is disrespectful to your man, whether he is aware that you are flirting with them or not. Secondly, men will always act like they have no sense, but it seems to me that these other males in your life are being immature too, by coming on to you and they know your situation...I think for them to openly diss him like that, you must be sending them some kind of signal, mixed or otherwise. 99% of my friends are males and they know I'm with someone and they know where the line is. So, they will kid around, but its all in jest and they would DARE do it with my BF around or try to interfere in our relationship in any way, or anything like that. How old are you guys by the way? Just curious. There seems to be wrong on both sides and alot of immaturity and insecurity going on...

THAT said, I STILL think you need to be wary of him. If he's carrying a grudge for days, watch yourself. If you cant sit down and talk about it like a mature couple and have the matter brought to an end right then and there, then you are in for a rocky relationship.

Good luck.
I agree. The picture became a little more clear as she continued to post the whole story.
I used to have a signature but it disappeared and I just couldn't be bothered writing another so please feel free to ingore this.
I'm beginning to think that you BOTH need to grow TFU. I'm beginning to see another picture here based on your last set of posts Kurls....flirting with guys while you are in a relationship, guys that you KEEP as frriends is disrespectful to your man, whether he is aware that you are flirting with them or not. Secondly, men will always act like they have no sense, but it seems to me that these other males in your life are being immature too, by coming on to you and they know your situation...I think for them to openly diss him like that, you must be sending them some kind of signal, mixed or otherwise. 99% of my friends are males and they know I'm with someone and they know where the line is. So, they will kid around, but its all in jest and they would DARE do it with my BF around or try to interfere in our relationship in any way, or anything like that. How old are you guys by the way? Just curious. There seems to be wrong on both sides and alot of immaturity and insecurity going on...

THAT said, I STILL think you need to be wary of him. If he's carrying a grudge for days, watch yourself. If you cant sit down and talk about it like a mature couple and have the matter brought to an end right then and there, then you are in for a rocky relationship.

Good luck.
Originally Posted by SaKkeh
I can't argue with you on that...I am naturally and OUTGOING person, and to some, that can be taken as being friendly - to others - it may come across as being flirtatious. Would I EVER, blatantly and maliciously FLIRT with other guys with/without BF there? NO. That IS childish behavior, and flat out disrespectful on many levels.

These friends of mine were in the picture WAY before BF was, and they were fine, like you said with your buddies...you could fool around in 'jest' but nothing came of it, and nothing would either. BUT, unfortunately these guys have been nice and pleasant all up till I told them I was seeing someone - THAT is when all the tables turned, because they went from friendly to 'weird'. Would I still try and hang out with those same guys on a regular basis as I had before BF, again, NO. But I saw nothing wrong with still associating here and there with those people - as long as THEY understood that I wasn't interested and was dating. I was talking to my cousin (male) about this situation - and he said the same thing you did....he doesn't condone BF's 'grudge' going on for days, BUT, he does see how MY behavior could lead to any guy being insecure or having an issue with my involvement with so many guys - as closely as I had been! And for me to ignore that WOULD be immature...I understand that. Which was the purpose for this OP - cause I know I was wrong for what my part, and I realize that my past actions/behaviors could 'insight' BF's insecurity.
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
[quote]

Perhaps I am not getting something, or reading TOO much into it, but your previous posts indicate that he's being this way because of his past??? He might not be coming right out and saying it, but YOU are using those excuses for him. If he's letting his suspicions get the best of him, then yes, he's allowing that past behavior and experience to affect the way that he feels about you.

Not sure that the relationship is a good thing, JUST based on your posts. Of course, I don't know you, him, nor the relationship personally, but just judging on your posts about things that are going on, I can't see this as being a good relationship.
Originally Posted by M2LR & Co.
ITA

I don't think it matters if some of her male friends might have feelings for her. If they are not acting on it and she is not encouraging it, why can't she be friends with them?
It doesn't excuse his behavior in any way, because if he trusts her he wouldn't be treating her like this. And it's not like he's saying "I don't want you to hang out with your ex." He's saying he doesn't want her to have male friends. At all.

No guy should ever try to control who you are friends with.[/quote]
Originally Posted by iris427
That's the way I look at it, too.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











I really DO appreciate everyone's open and honest opinions on this situation - not only did it help me see BF's behavior in a new light, but it made me see my OWN - and how it affects the relationship....

Either way - thanks everyone!
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
I'm not saying the SOMETHING was a big thing that happened to make him feel like he can't trust you...heck, it may have been something BEFORE your relationship to make him so insecure. But his reaction to your phone call says to me that he is insecure and seeing you on the phone with another guy made him think something was going on.


And there is ONE thing I'm confused about. If everyone was sleeping, why was he upset that you were on the phone with some guy all in front of everyone? Him being so worried about what other people think makes me think that maybe these other people have been telling him about you and someone else (???) and he didn't want to look stupid in front of them or something. I dunno.

I've been on both sides of this before...where you are and where he is. It's no fun either way. But if someone is that insecure and that worried and distrustful...it usually never lasts very long.
Originally Posted by Meghuney
THe last 2 relationships he was in, both did SHADY stuff to him...(and he dished out his own fair share of shadiness), so with that, comes the insecurity. STILL is something that I shouldn't have to 'make up' for...it's something he has to learn to deal with. I love him to death, but dag, that stuff is crazy!!

Everyone was asleep (including myself) when the phone rang. I got it and went back to lay down on the couch...as I talked, i woke up, and from what everyone says, they could HEAR me laughing and talking - so I take it that meant I was loud. So then BF got up and came and sat next to me, and then everyone ELSE got up and was mulling around. So at first all were asleep, but then supposively because of my LOUD conversation, I woke everyone up. He said that the fact that everyone could hear my conversation and that they all could tell it was with a another guy, and how embarassing that was to him - AND - that I continued to talk on the phone despite him getting up and everyone else getting up and roaming around....
Originally Posted by kurls
That makes no sense. I don't see how it is embarassing to him. Or maybe your friends have been stabbing you in the back trying to make him suspicious of you... or maybe he just WANTS to think that, to believe your friends are all on his side and agree with him, in order to further intimidate and isolate you. And I assume when people get up in the morning they need some time to go to the bathroom, fully wake up, get oriented etc. so what is the big deal? They don't need to be entertained every waking moment that they are up. I agree with Munchy - some of his arguments make no sense, yet here you are apologizing and thinking it's your fault and letting him hold it over you for days. I still maintain that that shows he has control issues and is a potential issue.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











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