Is this REALLY that unforgettable? (relationship issue)

My boyfriend was up this weekend, and my roommate had her fiance up also. We'll all hanging out, and my cell phone rings. It's one of my buddies from FL calling - it was 9am - and he for whatever reason was just shooting the breeze...asking how my weekend was, how I was doing, telling me about how he and his sister are coming up soon and would like us all to get together. NOW, in the midst of this 'general' conversation, everyone is mulling around and my BF comes IN the livingroom and sits next to me on the couch while I'm talking - which is fine with me because I wasn't being shady or sneaking around. Within MINUTES, he shoots me this look, jumps UP from the couch and storms off. I get off the phone minutes later, run in the back to explain myself, and he proceeds to tell me he is NOT cool with this, blah blah blah.

So we all sit down to eat, and when we're done and just talking - he brings up how RUDE it was of me to be on the phone with some other dude while HE was right there - AND while everyone was around!! How that was embarassing to him, and disrespectful...and that he feels that if I'm THAT bold to talk to a guy while he's there, then he has no CLUE what I do when he's NOT there or whom I talk to. That was MONDAY - and now it's Wed, and everytime I TALK to BF, he is bringing up how RUDE I was and how he is so hurt by what I did...how he is uneasy now about 'us', and how he now isn't sure if I'm being 'faithful' to him or not.

A QUICK flashback story on why he is THIS upset...is because my ex and I have been good friends for YEARS. I even introduced the 2 of them (ex and BF). But BF made it clear that my 'close' relationship with my ex made him uncomfortable, and although I put up a fight for months, I finally decided that it wasn't worth the hassle, and limited my association with my ex...out of respect for my BF. So THAT happened all of 3 weeks ago and is still 'fresh' in BF's mind...and he doesn't cease to remind me of THAT situation when he can.

So what can I do???? I told him today on the phone that I will NOT allow him to beat me up over what happened this weekend - that I admit that it was rude and just plain 'inappropriate', and I've apologized as much as I could. But yet, he can't let GO of this situation....underlying issue being that he feels that my guy friends all 'want' me and that having them around is disrespecting our relationship. How do I get him to let this mess GO????
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
I don't think you were rude, nor do I think it is a big deal. Clearly, he has issues with you talking to other men. Personally, that would be a huge red flag for me and I would have to seriously consider the future of my relationship with a guy who has those kind of issues.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











I don't think you were rude, nor do I think it is a big deal. Clearly, he has issues with you talking to other men. Personally, that would be a huge red flag for me and I would have to seriously consider the future of my relationship with a guy who has those kind of issues.
Originally Posted by Amneris
Quick question - WHY would that be a red flag to you?
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
Banned
Join Date: Jun 2001
Posts: 41,043
I agree...jealously & controlling come to mind
Code:
I wouldn't put up w/ it
I don't think you were rude, nor do I think it is a big deal. Clearly, he has issues with you talking to other men. Personally, that would be a huge red flag for me and I would have to seriously consider the future of my relationship with a guy who has those kind of issues.
Originally Posted by Amneris
Quick question - WHY would that be a red flag to you?
Originally Posted by kurls
He sounds seriously insecure. I agree with Amneris. His insecurity can end up controlling your life if you let it.
I don't think it was rude either, or inappropriate. It sounds like your boyfriend has major insecurity issues. He doesn't expect you to ever speak to a member of the opposite sex because it's disrespectful to him? That's ridiculous. And the fact that you were doing it "while he was right there" . . . weren't you in a separate room when you answered the phone and then he came in mid-conversation? I could understand being a little annoyed if you and BF were in the middle of a conversation, and you interrupted it to take the call, but even that wouldn't warrant the strong reaction you got from him.


"Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, today is a gift . . . that's why it's called the present." - Unknown
I think your boyfriend is blowing it out of proportion, but I also think it is rude to talk on the phone for more than a minute when you have guests and that minute should be mostly explaining that you have guests and can't talk now.

Emergency's excepted of course.
I don't think you were rude, nor do I think it is a big deal. Clearly, he has issues with you talking to other men. Personally, that would be a huge red flag for me and I would have to seriously consider the future of my relationship with a guy who has those kind of issues.
Originally Posted by Amneris
Quick question - WHY would that be a red flag to you?
Originally Posted by kurls
It's a big red flag to me too. He is trying to prevent you from having any friends of the opposite sex. That means he is trying to control you. One of the first steps of physically or emotionally abusive men is to isolate the woman from her friends and family. He is trying to isolate you from your male friends. That's not fair to you and it reveals that he has some real issues.

It shows that he has major issues with jealousy (which relate to the control issue). He obviously doesn't trust you. From my experience, insecure people can be very dangerous--they always put concern for themselves over others and their insecurity can warp their perceptions of things. I don't necessarily mean physically dangerous or violent, but I have found that people with serious insecurities are generally untrustworthy and have other issues hiding under the surface.

This reminds me of a man my mom used to live with. He would get extremely jealous of other men. He slowly took steps to isolate her from her friends and family. He didn't want my brother to visit because he couldn't stand my SIL. He didn't want my grandfather to visit because he didn't like my grandfather's girlfriend. He didn't want to go out to parties because social situations made him anxious. Et cetera, et cetera. She lived with him for years before truly discovering the depths of his craziness.

Red flag for me too.
BF is very insecure - that I will admit. For all his status and what he has - good looks included - he is VERY insecure, which is sad.

Either way, i FULLY admit to it being rude - cause I was on the phone for a good 30 mins, and I know I would feel some sort of way had it been the other way around: had he been at MY house, on the phone for a significant amount of time with some girl. Can't say I wouldn't catch a FIT over that myself.....but I know I wouldn't hold ONTO that and continue to harp on it for days - I'm sorry!!

He keeps tying it into 'trust' and making it SUCH a big deal! As if I CHEATED on him or something....UGH. It's getting on my nerves.
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
Bottom line, it wasn't rude. You talked to a friend.

He needs to grow some testicles and get the **** over it.

You are dating a jealous pansy.
Stephen Fry on "respect" and being "offended".
Calgon take me away.
Is this a long distance relationship (you said he was up fo the weekend)?

HOw often do you see each other?

Does your "close" ex live in the same city as you?
Yes, it is rude to ignore your guests to spend half an hour chatting on the phone to some random friend. I don't do that when I have guests and I can't imagine trying to entertain myself for half an hour if I were visiting a friend who decided that the person on the phone was the priority right now.

That said, it's not worth getting huffy or holding a grudge and bringing up over and over. That's just obnoxious.
Is this a long distance relationship (you said he was up fo the weekend)?

HOw often do you see each other?

Does your "close" ex live in the same city as you?
Originally Posted by scrills
BF lives in Philly - which is 45 mins away. I don't REALLY consider it long-distance, but I guess it can be. Either way, because of our schedules, the most I get to see him is on weekends...although we talk everyday, 2-3 times a day!

My ex lives here in my city - and we've been good friends forever. Of course more recently, this ex 'confessed' how he felt and that he still has feelings FOR me, which of course made my decision to limit our association MUCH easier.
People will always do what they want to do...no matter what you say!
It was rude, but your boyfriend should have easily gotten over it. However, I agree with Amneris. The fact that he keeps bringing up the "trust" issue is a definite red flag. If you've never given him a reason to mistrust you, his worries are unfounded and over the top.

That said, if I were your boyfriend and you spend half an hour on the phone with a guy who has made his intentions that clear, I'd probably be ticked off too.
Minneapolis, MN
I told him today on the phone that I will NOT allow him to beat me up over what happened this weekend - that I admit that it was rude and just plain 'inappropriate', and I've apologized as much as I could.
Originally Posted by kurls
I dont understand why you would even apologise for this...what did you do wrong? Nothing according to your story...so why are you apologising? Thats just giving him ammunition. Don't let him tell you who you can or cannot talk to when he is around. I unerstand why he would be insecure with the ex-boyfriend situation, but dont let him hang it pover your head and make you feel guilty for speaking to your male friends.
I don't think you were rude, nor do I think it is a big deal. Clearly, he has issues with you talking to other men. Personally, that would be a huge red flag for me and I would have to seriously consider the future of my relationship with a guy who has those kind of issues.
Originally Posted by Amneris
Quick question - WHY would that be a red flag to you?
Originally Posted by kurls
Jealousy, insecurity and control issues. They are annoying as are and often escalate to worse.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











I told him today on the phone that I will NOT allow him to beat me up over what happened this weekend - that I admit that it was rude and just plain 'inappropriate', and I've apologized as much as I could.
Originally Posted by kurls
I dont understand why you would even apologise for this...what did you do wrong? Nothing according to your story...so why are you apologising? Thats just giving him ammunition. Don't let him tell you who you can or cannot talk to when he is around. I unerstand why he would be insecure with the ex-boyfriend situation, but dont let him hang it pover your head and make you feel guilty for speaking to your male friends.
Originally Posted by SaKkeh
It's not the fact that she was talking to a particular person that was rude. It's the fact that she spent more than a minute or two talking on the phone when she had guests. I don't know how anyone could say that is not rude. However, the boyfriend is making too big a deal of it and that is the red flag. Maybe he wants to break up but doesn't know how to say it.
I think your boyfriend is blowing it out of proportion, but I also think it is rude to talk on the phone for more than a minute when you have guests and that minute should be mostly explaining that you have guests and can't talk now.

Emergency's excepted of course.
Originally Posted by sdcurly
She was in her own home for the weekend with a house full of guests who can entertain each other, so I don't think it's rude.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











I told him today on the phone that I will NOT allow him to beat me up over what happened this weekend - that I admit that it was rude and just plain 'inappropriate', and I've apologized as much as I could.
Originally Posted by kurls
I dont understand why you would even apologise for this...what did you do wrong? Nothing according to your story...so why are you apologising? Thats just giving him ammunition. Don't let him tell you who you can or cannot talk to when he is around. I unerstand why he would be insecure with the ex-boyfriend situation, but dont let him hang it pover your head and make you feel guilty for speaking to your male friends.
Originally Posted by SaKkeh
It's not the fact that she was talking to a particular person that was rude. It's the fact that she spent more than a minute or two talking on the phone when she had guests. I don't know how anyone could say that is not rude. However, the boyfriend is making too big a deal of it and that is the red flag. Maybe he wants to break up but doesn't know how to say it.
Originally Posted by sdcurly
Sd, what book is that written in that its "rude" to spend more than a minute or two on the phone when she has guests? Was he even IN the room with her? He's the one who needs to excuse himself and wait until she is finished with her call.

Trending Topics


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:45 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com