childless women (not by choice)

bananashake · 01-09-2012, 07:20 PM

My 34th birthday is nearing and I'm starting to accept that there is a very good chance that I won't have kids. I can't say that I "accept" it, but it is what it is. I just can't help but wonder....why me? I would make an excellent mother. I have a nice job with a decent income, plenty of patience, common sense approach to things, I'd be actively involved in their lives and extracurricular, and I would parent them versus being bff with them.

My sister, my ex and many of my friends have been blessed 1, 2 or 3 times and seem to take it for granted. I see them fiddling with their phones on the park bench while their kids are calling out their name. I cringe at the junk they feed them because they are too lazy to prepare a healthy meal for them. They roll out of bed at the last minute, rush out the door, get the kids to school and when the kids come home, they jump on their Nintendo, while mom/dad jump on the computer. They don't set good examples on how to keep a relationship healthy and intact with the opposite sex (like with the kid's father), etc, etc, etc.

I know I can adopt, but I can't afford the expense of adoption... and adopting as a single woman in her mid 30's is not viewed as ideal to adoption agencies.

I could get pregnant by any guy, but I'm not about to do that. I'm very selective on who I mix genetics with.

I have been in 2 serious relationships in my life...and boy, am I glad I didn't get married. Everyone wanted me to get married. And I felt the pressure, especially considering that I wanted kids. But luckily, I listened to that inner- voice. But now I'm kicking myself!! I wasted some damn good fertile years on those 2 losers. I'm lucky that I didn't marry them, but why did I stay with them for so long?

I'm back in the dating scene and not having any luck. I think that by the time I find someone that I find as marriage material, my eggs will be burned up. And no, I'm not going to try procreation too late in life. My parents are aging and getting health problems and I'd like to be there for them when they need me - not possible if I have a little baby/toddler. So maybe parenthood was never on my map. I just don't understand "why". How do you accept it and make peace with it??

RedCatWaves · 01-09-2012, 07:42 PM

34 is far from the end of the line. It might still happen for you.

Granted, I already had 2 children at that age, so I wasn't in the same situation as you, BUT...I found myself unexpectedly single at the age of 33. I really didn't think I'd ever find a good man, and I certainly didn't think I'd have time to find a good man AND get married again AND have another baby before my biological clock ran out. I was wrong. I met someone great, got married, and had a baby at 36, and another baby at 38. I know a fair number of women who had their first baby at 40 or 42. One had her first at 44. All without fertility treatments.

If you really want children, I think you should pursue it. If it doesn't work out, worry about that later.

TassieAnge · 01-09-2012, 08:07 PM

If it helps at all, one of my friends' sister didn't marry until nearly 40, and now has 3 children, one singleton and now twins to boot. It can still happen

Sent from my iPhone, so forgive my typos.

iroc · 01-09-2012, 08:09 PM

First, no, it is certainly not definite that you will miss out on having children. I realize that you feel your biological clock ticking, and like time is running out, things change in life quite often, and quickly. There is no reason it can't happen for you.

Second, it really isn't fair to judge your friends because they don't jump to their child's every whim, or may skip a healthy meal or two, and use that as reasons why you think they take for granted that they have children. Having one child turns your world upside down, let alone having two or three. There sometimes isn't time to sit down, let alone be able to do what needs to be done in a day. Multiply that by 5 days a week, 4 weeks a month...even the most grateful, saint of a mother will do all of what you said at one point or another.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I997 using CurlTalk App

bananashake · 01-09-2012, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iroc

First, no, it is certainly not definite that you will miss out on having children. I realize that you feel your biological clock ticking, and like time is running out, things change in life quite often, and quickly. There is no reason it can't happen for you.

Second, it really isn't fair to judge your friends because they don't jump to their child's every whim, or may skip a healthy meal or two, and use that as reasons why you think they take for granted that they have children. Having one child turns your world upside down, let alone having two or three. There sometimes isn't time to sit down, let alone be able to do what needs to be done in a day. Multiply that by 5 days a week, 4 weeks a month...even the most grateful, saint of a mother will do all of what you said at one point or another.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I997 using CurlTalk App

The following is an example of lazy parenting that I'm talking about. This was the schedule my ex and his ExW had:

Monday though Friday

630AM: ExW gets boy (6) out of bed and leaves Boy(5) asleep because she "can't handle" both of them at the same time.

She dresses Boy 6 and gives him a poptart. Then she dresses Boy 5 while he;s still halfway asleep.

650AM: my exbf picks the kids up and ExW does whatever the hell it is she does before work.

WHAT SHE HASN'T DONE:

make them brusht heir teeth
make them brush their hair
bathe them
Made sure their shoes are on the right feet
Fed them real food (poptarts aren't real food)

So, from 7AM until 3 o'clock ExW works. For some reason, she needs an hour and a half to screw around after work before she can pick up the kids at 430 (and usually she doesn't make it until close to five).

Around 5PM, ExW shows up at our house and picks up the kids. She takes them to Burger King. Then she takes them home and watches Survivor, the Bachelor, and other reality shows with them.

At 8PM, she puts them to bed and forbids them from coming out of his room at all for any reason.

Every other weekend, she keeps the kids on Saturday and Sunday for the entire day, and on those days she generally drops them off at exboyfriend sister's house.

WHAT SHE HASN'T DONE:

applied medication to 5 yo's raging eczema
taken them to school
packed them a lunch for school
picked them up from school
clipped their toenails
cleaned their ears
cut their hair
told them not to hit each other
done their homework with him

So, this POOR OVERBURDENED SINGLE MOTHER takes care of her kids for a total of 20 minutes in the morning and 3 hours at night, and then for 48 hours every other weekend.

We had them the rest of the time, and I was the one doing most of the parenting, not my boyfriend.

redcelticcurls · 01-09-2012, 09:08 PM

Maybe you're just bitter about the ex.

Siri types my posts for me.

bananashake · 01-09-2012, 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redcelticcurls

Maybe you're just bitter about the ex.

Siri types my posts for me.

I'm bitter that these type of parents are blessed with being parents. It isn't fair to people who can't have kids.

PartyHair · 01-09-2012, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bananashake

Quote:

Originally Posted by redcelticcurls

Maybe you're just bitter about the ex.

Siri types my posts for me.

I'm bitter that these type of parents are blessed with being parents. It isn't fair to people who can't have kids.

I the immortal words of my parents, who ever told you life was going to be fair? I'm 12 years older than you and was unable to have kids. It's taken me a while but I've learned to count the blessings I have, and not to dwell on or be angry about those I don't have.

Life's too short. And for the record, you never know what life will bring you! You're young. You could meet the father of you future children tomorrow...and I hope you do! But focusing your negative energies on others isn't the way to contentment.

I wish you the best.

Sent from my iPhone using CurlTalk.

redcelticcurls · 01-09-2012, 09:25 PM

Since you've said that you can get pregnant by any guy, you are childless by choice. Please don't insult those who truly have fertility issues by stating that you have none.

Your relationship threads paint you as a 22 year old inexperienced woman as opposed to a 33 year old woman who should have learned to navigate these things by now. Perhaps you could focus on that before you worry about the parenting skills of others.

Siri types my posts for me.

curlymandy80 · 01-09-2012, 09:28 PM

Wow...you can tell you've never experienced motherhood. One thing you will learn if you ever have kids is to say that "I will never ...(fill in blank)" life doesn't slow down when you have kids. You realize just how little time there is in a day!

Amneris · 01-09-2012, 09:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bananashake

My 34th birthday is nearing and I'm starting to accept that there is a very good chance that I won't have kids. I can't say that I "accept" it, but it is what it is. I just can't help but wonder....why me? I would make an excellent mother. I have a nice job with a decent income, plenty of patience, common sense approach to things, I'd be actively involved in their lives and extracurricular, and I would parent them versus being bff with them.

My sister, my ex and many of my friends have been blessed 1, 2 or 3 times and seem to take it for granted. I see them fiddling with their phones on the park bench while their kids are calling out their name. I cringe at the junk they feed them because they are too lazy to prepare a healthy meal for them. They roll out of bed at the last minute, rush out the door, get the kids to school and when the kids come home, they jump on their Nintendo, while mom/dad jump on the computer. They don't set good examples on how to keep a relationship healthy and intact with the opposite sex (like with the kid's father), etc, etc, etc.

I know I can adopt, but I can't afford the expense of adoption... and adopting as a single woman in her mid 30's is not viewed as ideal to adoption agencies.

I could get pregnant by any guy, but I'm not about to do that. I'm very selective on who I mix genetics with.

I have been in 2 serious relationships in my life...and boy, am I glad I didn't get married. Everyone wanted me to get married. And I felt the pressure, especially considering that I wanted kids. But luckily, I listened to that inner- voice. But now I'm kicking myself!! I wasted some damn good fertile years on those 2 losers. I'm lucky that I didn't marry them, but why did I stay with them for so long?

I'm back in the dating scene and not having any luck. I think that by the time I find someone that I find as marriage material, my eggs will be burned up. And no, I'm not going to try procreation too late in life. My parents are aging and getting health problems and I'd like to be there for them when they need me - not possible if I have a little baby/toddler. So maybe parenthood was never on my map. I just don't understand "why". How do you accept it and make peace with it??

Everyone's a perfect parent.... when they don't have kids. It's easy for you to judge when you don't actually have to live the life of someone trying to manage parenting and everything else.

And if you have a nice job and decent income, why can't you adopt? Adoptions out of foster care aren't THAT expensive.

That being said, 34 isn't that old. You have years ahead of you where anything can happen. I know plenty of mothers who were completely single at 34.

Amneris · 01-09-2012, 09:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bananashake

The following is an example of lazy parenting that I'm talking about. This was the schedule my ex and his ExW had:

Monday though Friday

630AM: ExW gets boy (6) out of bed and leaves Boy(5) asleep because she "can't handle" both of them at the same time.

Um, I do this with my two. It only makes sense. Especially if they have to wake up that early and are cranky, that's a good approach to me.

She dresses Boy 6 and gives him a poptart. Then she dresses Boy 5 while he;s still halfway asleep.

It's really early for kids to get up at that time.

650AM: my exbf picks the kids up and ExW does whatever the hell it is she does before work.

Like get dressed and presentable to go to work?

WHAT SHE HASN'T DONE:

make them brusht heir teeth
make them brush their hair
bathe them
Made sure their shoes are on the right feet
Fed them real food (poptarts aren't real food)

Well, why can't dad do that? Plus maybe they bathe at night. My kids do - I don't try to do that in the morning unless there is some unforeseen accident. And at 6 and 5 they should be able to do some of that for themselves and definitely know what feet to put their shoes on.

So, from 7AM until 3 o'clock ExW works. For some reason, she needs an hour and a half to screw around after work before she can pick up the kids at 430 (and usually she doesn't make it until close to five).

Screw around? Or do errands, pay bills, get groceries, etc? You are in her head and know for a fact what she is doing every minute of the day?

Around 5PM, ExW shows up at our house and picks up the kids. She takes them to Burger King. Then she takes them home and watches Survivor, the Bachelor, and other reality shows with them.

Well, wouldn't be my choice but I'm sure by that point they were all exhausted, and at least they were spending time together as a family.

At 8PM, she puts them to bed and forbids them from coming out of his room at all for any reason.

A lot of parents have that policy (kids out of the parents' room.) And at least they have a reasonable bedtime.

Every other weekend, she keeps the kids on Saturday and Sunday for the entire day, and on those days she generally drops them off at exboyfriend sister's house.

Maybe they enjoy spending time with their cool aunt or have cousins they play with there, etc.

WHAT SHE HASN'T DONE:

applied medication to 5 yo's raging eczema
taken them to school
packed them a lunch for school
picked them up from school
clipped their toenails
cleaned their ears
cut their hair
told them not to hit each other
done their homework with him

Well I assume someone is doing some of those things (like they must have to have lunch) so maybe dad or grandma or someone is doing it. If it's dad, it's his responsibility too, so why the complaints?

So, this POOR OVERBURDENED SINGLE MOTHER takes care of her kids for a total of 20 minutes in the morning and 3 hours at night, and then for 48 hours every other weekend.

We had them the rest of the time, and I was the one doing most of the parenting, not my boyfriend.

Yeah, it's always easy to raise other peoples' kids and criticize the other parent. I hear this ALL THE TIME. If you were doing everything and not your boyfriend and they're his kids, then he wasn't fulfilling his responsibilities, so why all the venom for the mother?

Jealousy is never pretty.

RedCatWaves · 01-09-2012, 10:11 PM

I've been a single parent. I've been a married parent. And I've been a step-parent to visiting step-children. They are not the same thing at all. Not at all. You can't interchange the situations and make assumptions. Parenting a child who visits is not the same thing as parenting a child you live with. A single mom, earning a living and caring for 2 children, is doing a lot of work. Sometimes parents take shortcuts, like Burger King and pop-tarts. So what?

All of this criticizing your ex's ex isn't really relevant to your situation. Reproduction ability has very little to do with someone's worthiness as a human being. I suggest you forget about the ex and his ex, and work on you and what you want out of life.

bananashake · 01-09-2012, 10:14 PM

You don't have kids, so you don't understand???? I hate that comment!

I don't need to drop a kid out of my vagina to understand that letting him eat nothing but processed crap and drink sugary drinks is not helping him with his sedentary lifestyle and weight problems

. I don't need to drop a kid out of my vagina to understand that he has basic sanitary needs that the parents never address.

I don't need to drop a kid from my vagina to understand that you're not helping him be a better person by always bending to his will.

I don't need to drop a kid from my vagina to understand being a parent is more than giving them money and saying yes all of the time.

Anyone who says this to a childless person is an idiot. ExBf provides the money and the yes answers. He does not know how to ground his children, teach them boundaries or teach them how to be responsible.

But I don't know what I'm talking about because I've never had kids.

And RedCelticCurls,
Just because I've had some posts about a ****ty breakup and rebound doesn't mean I am immature and shouldn't have kids. I don't talk about the positive things that I have going on in my life, or all of my accomplishments in life because I come here to vent and get things off my chest about the **** that I don't want to talk to friends/family about. And yes, I realize I CAN have kids. But I haven't and won't until I meet THE ONE. And until that happens, I am childless. I am childless and not because I want to be, but because it's how it has to be. I am not going to drop a kid without being in a fully commited, healthy and happy marital union. Sue me for not wanting to be a single mom and sue me for wanting to ensure that my future kid has a stable father and role model.

Amneris · 01-09-2012, 10:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bananashake

You don't have kids, so you don't understand???? I hate that comment!

I don't need to drop a kid out of my vagina to understand that letting him eat nothing but processed crap and drink sugary drinks is not helping him with his sedentary lifestyle and weight problems

. I don't need to drop a kid out of my vagina to understand that he has basic sanitary needs that the parents never address.

I don't need to drop a kid from my vagina to understand that you're not helping him be a better person by always bending to his will.

I don't need to drop a kid from my vagina to understand being a parent is more than giving them money and saying yes all of the time.

Anyone who says this to a childless person is an idiot. ExBf provides the money and the yes answers. He does not know how to ground his children, teach them boundaries or teach them how to be responsible.

But I don't know what I'm talking about because I've never had kids.

And RedCelticCurls,
Just because I've had some posts about a ****ty breakup and rebound doesn't mean I am immature and shouldn't have kids. I don't talk about the positive things that I have going on in my life, or all of my accomplishments in life because I come here to vent and get things off my chest about the **** that I don't want to talk to friends/family about. And yes, I realize I CAN have kids. But I haven't and won't until I meet THE ONE. And until that happens, I am childless. I am childless and not because I want to be, but because it's how it has to be. I am not going to drop a kid without being in a fully commited, healthy and happy marital union. Sue me for not wanting to be a single mom and sue me for wanting to ensure that my future kid has a stable father and role model.

LOL.
Since you DON'T have kids, all of what you are saying is SPECULATION, because you are NOT in other peoples' houses or brains to know how or why they are parenting... you just want to feel like a better (imaginary) parent than they are for some reason.

You DO have to drop a kid out of your vagina to know first-hand what some of the challenges of parenting feel like and how hard it can be to manage everything day to day when you are the one responsible.

Anyone who thinks they have the knowledge from the outside to judge other peoples' families from the inside is beyond an idiot.

How do you know you CAN have kids if you haven't tried to get pregnant? At this point, you are assuming you can. Maybe you can, maybe you can't. The only way to know you can is to actually... get pregnant. I'm shaking my head here.

sweetmx85 · 01-09-2012, 10:30 PM

I couldn't have kids for 6 years with fertility and a surgery.
I had so many thoughts of the type of parent I'd be if I could have them. then I was pregnant one day and had
my son...and your life changes so much that every thought you had about how your life will be goes out the window. you have to adjust. things change. our attitude changes. it takes having one to realize how much it changes you. children are exhausting in more ways than one, so what if they were only fed a pop tart. some mornings I'm completely drained from my son and all he gets is a pop tart other mornings he gets tons more. it's not for you to judge how someone raises their children when you have never been in that position to know 24/7 what comes with it. it's an amazing thing but it's not ways easy to do the picture perfect thing. some days you have to get by w the minimum ie a pop tart over a cooked meal. I hope that one day you can be the mother you want. I just hope that you don't raise them to be as bitter and judgmental as you are

Sent from my iPhone using CurlTalk
Blog:www.curlygirlie85.blogspot.com
YouTube: www.youtube.com/sophiams85

AmberBrown · 01-09-2012, 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetmx85

I couldn't have kids for 6 years with fertility and a surgery.
I had so many thoughts of the type of parent I'd be if I could have them. then I was pregnant one day and had
my son...and your life changes so much that every thought you had about how your life will be goes out the window. you have to adjust. things change. our attitude changes. it takes having one to realize how much it changes you. children are exhausting in more ways than one, so what if they were only fed a pop tart. some mornings I'm completely drained from my son and all he gets is a pop tart other mornings he gets tons more. it's not for you to judge how someone raises their children when you have never been in that position to know 24/7 what comes with it. it's an amazing thing but it's not ways easy to do the picture perfect thing. some days you have to get by w the minimum ie a pop tart over a cooked meal. I hope that one day you can be the mother you want. I just hope that you don't raise them to be as bitter and judgmental as you are

Sent from my iPhone using CurlTalk
Blog:The Curly Girlie
YouTube: sophiams85's Channel - YouTube

I wish I could like this twice...that button is going to be the death of me

RedCatWaves · 01-09-2012, 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bananashake

You don't have kids, so you don't understand???? I hate that comment!

I don't need to drop a kid out of my vagina to understand that letting him eat nothing but processed crap and drink sugary drinks is not helping him with his sedentary lifestyle and weight problems

. I don't need to drop a kid out of my vagina to understand that he has basic sanitary needs that the parents never address.

I don't need to drop a kid from my vagina to understand that you're not helping him be a better person by always bending to his will.

I don't need to drop a kid from my vagina to understand being a parent is more than giving them money and saying yes all of the time.

Anyone who says this to a childless person is an idiot. ExBf provides the money and the yes answers. He does not know how to ground his children, teach them boundaries or teach them how to be responsible.

But I don't know what I'm talking about because I've never had kids.

OK...so your ex, and his ex, are crappy parents. I still don't get what that has to do with you. The world is filled with crappy parents, great parents, and everything in between. No one gets to be a parent by deserving it. Reproduction is a biological function. Some people are great at parenting, and some less so. You want to have children. And you think you'll be good at it. I think you probably will be good at it too. So...find a man you are compatable with, and have children. The more energy and attention you put towards judging your ex and his ex, the less energy and attention you can put towards your own life.

I do commend you for wanting to be married and settled before bringing children into the world. I wish more people would do that.

I wish you well in finding a compatable partner.

cympreni · 01-09-2012, 10:45 PM

Getting 2 kindergarteners from bed to out the door in 20 minutes, I'm jealous. A lot of the stuff you mentioned is stuff even the best parents do sometimes.

I'm going to be blunt. You come off as a drama queen. You always have these big OMG problems and use really dramatic words. Just look at how many times you've used the phrase "THE ONE" in the last week. I too thought you were much younger.

It's perfectly acceptable to ***** about exes after a break-up, but it's got to stop eventually. And if you're already one relationship removed from it, that time has passed. Once you get to the point you're ready to start dating, then the ex needs to be out of your system.

Now for your baby problem. No life's not fair, but that's actually good news. If life was fair that would mean all the bad and horrible things that happen to people, happened because they deserved it. That's not something we want.

Anything you want in life, you have to work for it. Worthwhile things just don't happen on their own, and that includes being the parent of an oops baby.

Poochie · 01-09-2012, 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amneris

You DO have to drop a kid out of your vagina to know first-hand what some of the challenges of parenting feel like and how hard it can be to manage everything day to day when you are the one responsible.

Please be careful with statements like these. It's unfair to those who have adopted.