Emotional Health Support Group - Page 4

amandamarie · 04-11-2012, 10:05 PM

+1 on both of these posts.

amandamarie · 04-11-2012, 10:08 PM

Except I don't have kids.

Corrina777 · 04-11-2012, 10:13 PM

Neither do I.

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amandamarie · 04-11-2012, 10:24 PM

Well Corrina. I guess we've both got to figure out how to get the motivation to keep our apartments clean. Any brainstorms?

Corrina777 · 04-11-2012, 10:31 PM

Not yet. Although I'm supposed to be studying for an exam this weekend, and strange things have been known to happen in the name of procrastination and self-sabotage.

One of the sadder things I have to admit. I drop off my laundry since I don't have my own washer and dryer. I justify the extra expense because I work two jobs and have very little time to myself. So all I have to do is put everything away and it still seems to be the impossible project.

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amandamarie · 04-12-2012, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Corrina777

Not yet. Although I'm supposed to be studying for an exam this weekend, and strange things have been known to happen in the name of procrastination and self-sabotage.

One of the sadder things I have to admit. I drop off my laundry since I don't have my own washer and dryer. I justify the extra expense because I work two jobs and have very little time to myself. So all I have to do is put everything away and it still seems to be the impossible project.

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I have a big chunk of writing due Monday and I just realized you could have a point. But when I can procrastinate and self-sabotage by failing to get out of bed ...

It would seem impossible to me too.

Corrina777 · 04-12-2012, 11:08 AM

Luckily the exam Tues has no impact for me, pass or fail. I signed up because I needed a tax write-off.

One thing that I did find helpful previously (and I will probably need to dig it out again) is The Messies Manual. Best book about getting organized that I ever found.

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ninja dog · 04-12-2012, 11:27 AM

I try to look at my current messiness as an achievement, since I used to be hyper-clean.

It's still annoying, though.

amandamarie · 04-12-2012, 02:08 PM

I'm so overwhelmed by the prospect of cleaning that I don't even know where to start. The anxiety knots start tightening in my stomach and etc, etc.

Can't wait for group therapy tomorrow.

Corrina777 · 04-12-2012, 03:17 PM

I get to punch and kick stuff tonight

Too bad my ex doesn't train on Thursdays.

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Speckla · 04-12-2012, 06:22 PM

I am doing well as far as my mental health and taking my meds but now I'm facing the issue of being shunned or ignore by people at work.

I wasn't myself for a while or really even a reliable, likeable person. I have hurt so many people.

I went home sick last Friday and felt better later in the night. So I joined my husband at a coworkers party. I had a few drinks and it reacted with my meds and I was 'drunk' in a way. Well, word got back to the office that I left early to go get drunk and I was wild and out of control. People won't even look at me now. My husband was with me the whole time. I should have stayed home but I was alone and feeling a lot of anxiety and he just said it'd be better for me to be around friends.

Oh well. I have been hearing people talk trash about me and being very mean. This is a first time thing for me ever. I don't know how to react or talk to people. I have secluded and isolated myself for the past year and rarely talk to anyone.

I have tried to start talking again and I get cut off and told they don't care to hear my personal life and the only thing we have to talk about is work issues....

I have been talking to my supervisor and her advice is to just ease in to socializing but she doesn't realize I can't be around these people without crying. I'm pissed at myself for what's happened and I still like everyone as much but I know they don't trust me and don't want to be around me...

I don't know what to do other than let it blow over until someone else does something and they talk about her/him.

ninja dog · 04-12-2012, 06:28 PM

Oh, Speckla-Freckles.......sadly, sometimes that's the only way.

I've been the mostly outcast at times. It does hurt, but it often passes eventually.

((((((((Speckles)))))))))

curlysue21 · 04-12-2012, 06:32 PM

I'm so sorry that happened to you Speckla. Perhaps once the drama blows over you might address what happened to another coworker in casual conversation. Sadly I know how sucky it feels to be the outcast too. (((hugs)))

Corrina777 · 04-12-2012, 06:45 PM

Speckla, I'm so sorry. I know from experience how hard it can be when co-workers have an unfair negative perception of you. As hard as it is, the only thing that will fix it is time. So vent to us, vent to your friends, and try to ignore catty co-workers because they just aren't worth your energy.

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Corrina777 · 04-12-2012, 08:09 PM

So now I think it's time for me to practice what I preach and make an attempt at my own catharsis.

I can't say that there's anything in particular. Last month I had an excuse to feel a little down- The weeks around the time when I was raped in college always seemed to be difficult. But normally once I made it through March 25, things always got better. This year I'm just not feeling it.

I do my best to keep ridiculously busy (and I've been really good about honoring those commitments). I work a second job most weekends for play money, I sing in two choirs, I do martial arts (and was invited to join the tournament team, which is a huge honor and commitment). I haven't really dated since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up over two and a half years ago. There was a brief thing with a guy who was one of my best friends at the time, but he shred my heart. Since then I barely make it past a first date (if I even agree to that). I guess I definitely have some trust issues.

It's like I said yesterday- to anyone around me, I appear completely functional. I just break down and go comatose when I get home. I'm extremely wary of mental health professionals. I had exactly one psychiatrist that I liked, and he left the area several years ago (I did what you're not supposed to do and went off meds about a year and a half ago- right after I started karate, but I did it on my own). Meds terrify me. I did well with Celexa and Wellbutrin, but I have major sensitivities to all things relaxant/depressant. One of the psychiatrists that I didn't like told me I had anxiety and put me on klonopin- I thought I was going to slit my wrists. Even plain muscle relaxers like flexiril will put me into a depressed state- and that can present a huge challenge for someone with pretty significant neck and back issues.

I just feel tired. Not tired in the physical sense, but tired in the mental sense. I just want to hide under the covers for a few weeks and forget about everything. My friends are all married and starting families, so I'm really feeling like most of my support system is just in a different place. And as silly as it sounds, I'm absolutely crazy about my choir director but know that nothing could ever come of it. I guess I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels so much of the time. I know this has all just been a completely non-cohesive train of thoughts- I just don't even know any other way to start to let it all out. I'm always the one that gives advice and solves problems, but I feel like I can't even function like a responsible adult. Ugh!

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent, even if it made no sense at all.

amandamarie · 04-13-2012, 12:48 AM

Corrina, you're not new at this, so I know you know these things come in waves ... Just try and do the best you can and remember, you'll get through it. You have before, you can again.

My philosophy is, if staying in bed and moping is going to give you time to rest your brain and the ability to function, it's what is best to do. Keep it up, you're beautiful and smart and doing much better than you think.

--- Selfishness below this line, haha ---

I'm terrified right now.

My past is coming up to haunt me in ways I don't like, and I'm so afraid it's going to overwhelm me so much that my dubious functionality is going to disappear.

I feel like I'm floating, like I don't know why I'm in grad school, or living where I do, and I'd've been better off staying where I was and keeping my true self hidden and smashing down the part of me that's proud that I've become so open about who I am and that wants to be a writer because it'd be easier that way and I wouldn't have to feel like a failure.

It's the depression talking, I think, but the problem is I can't get rid of the intense fear that I have of going back to where I was a year ago mentally, partly because it's terrifying in itself, and partly because this time there's no one who cares enough to pull me back.

ETA: this feels like a hypocritical post but I even believe everything I wrote to Corrina is true of me. I'm just scared anyway.

Corrina777 · 04-13-2012, 03:49 AM

Amandamarie- it's not selfishness to need to get things off your chest, but I know you know that

And I know that even when you logically know exactly how awesome you are, sometimes there are parts of you that have a hard time accepting it. So we listen to each other and we commiserate, and we motivate.

I don't know your specific situation, but what I have learned is that the realization that you're being impacted by your past (mentally or otherwise) is not only an accomplishment in and of itself, but it's a huge first step to working through it. And you seem to recognize it sooner, rather than later, which is much more than I can say for myself. I have proven to be the ultimate queen of denial.

I was a women's studies major in college (along with Poli Sci). My last semester, I only needed one out of the four classes I was taking to graduate with both majors. My credits were already completed and my Poli Sci major was completed. I needed to complete a thesis for the Women's Studies major. Everything else was filler to keep me at full-time status.

After the rape, I decided I was fine. After all, I've written papers, and read books. I had it all figured out. I didn't even cry. Two weeks before the end of the semester, my thesis not even started, I met with the director of the women's studies program. I had with me the form to drop my major. My thesis was supposed to be an analysis of the mental health resources available and how they did and did not meet the needs of the students. I just couldn't do it. The program director allowed me to switch my topic, and I stayed on campus for an extra two weeks and completed my major.

It took me almost another four years to admit that I was affected by the rape. It was March, 2003. I had a 6-CD changer in my old car and I usually changed out all six CDs at once and then left them in for a while. I was driving home from work flipping back and forth between the 6 CDs when it hit me. Every CD I was currently listening to was part of my regular playlist from that semester in college. I had literally brought myself back (I listen to a very wide variety of music, so it wasn't just music that was released or in the Top 40 at the time- it was a mix of old and new and showtunes). At this point, I was in a relationship for about three years, but we were having major problems. At the risk of crossing the TMI line, basically, we stopped having sex. My choice. It was like the more I fell in love with this guy, the more physically repulsed I was. By the time I thought to myself, "Gee, I wonder if this could be related to the rape?" we were already fighting about it constantly. In the end I wasn't able to salvage the relationship, but I had finally conceded that my life was changed on that night in 1999.

I know I've mentioned it before, but in more ways than one, it's really the karate that keeps me outwardly functional. That's why I joined. I was having one of those really bad nights. The kind where you just want to run away from all of it- I was still desperately trying to make my friend like me (we had already dated briefly and broken up), and he said something to me that day that just set me off. I did something that I've only done three times in my entire life- I drank for the sole purpose of getting drunk. I knew when I left work that day. I couldn't even bother stopping at the liquor store- I was just gonna make do with whatever I had. I literally went home and started drinking. A few hours later I updated my status on BBM to say "comfortably numb." That was when my friend called me. I'm not going to lie, by that point, I was a hot mess. I was on the floor of my bathroom sobbing and I was starting to get sick from the alcohol. So I'm on the phone with him, crying and puking, and he started telling me about the student creeds at his karate school. He only told me the first one that night, but it was enough to catch my attention. "I intend to develop myself in a positive manner and to avoid anything that would impair my mental growth or physical health." A few weeks later, after watching him compete in his first tournament, I did a trial class (after asking him if he would be okay with me doing this- things were very up and down with us) and I signed up on the spot. There were times when it was really hard to be there training with my friend. It took a long time to get over all of the hurt feelings. But it ended up being the student creeds that have helped me. There are days when I want to do something self-destructive, like drink myself into a stupor, and I just repeat the first two student creeds over and over again in my head as a way of talking myself out it.