Change name for marriage...why?

You CAN take the wifes name - I've known someone who did this who had a destructive and abusive family life, and didn't keep in contact with his family, so he had no reason to carry on the name - OR you can make up a name of your own. I read on some wedding website that a couple had combined their last names to make up a new last name.

In my case, and probably most cases, it's traditional to take your husbands name. Most men find pride in carrying on their family name, so why do we have to look for reasons to take that away from them.
Originally Posted by babywavy

As for the bolded, I am sure some women take pride in carrying on their family name too. I don't think it's looking for reasons to take something away from your man if you are not comfortable with changing your identity when you get married. It's not about taking away fromthe man, it's about being true to yourself.
Originally Posted by geeky
I can agree with this. I don't know if I'd have felt the same ten or so years ago, but now that I'm in my late 30s and not married, I think that if I do marry, I would likely keep my name. It's who I've been for my entire life, and I'm proud of it.
The first lesson of economics is scarcity: There is never enough of anything to satisfy all those who want it. The first lesson of politics is to disregard the first lesson of economics - Thomas Sowell
For me, I don't see marriage as leaving your family to start a new family. I see it as adding to the families you already have. I don't see anything wrong with taking your husband's name, or keeping your name or taking another option (like hyphenating)--whatever you (general you) feel is best for you and your family.

I don't think I will change my name when I get married. I don't feel like I need to do that for us to be a family. It's a little too patriarchal for me.

My SO will probably change his name at some point, from his father's last name to his mother's, since his father left them and hasn't been much of a father to him. We would rather have our future children carry on a name that means something to us.

WOW. I'm surprised at the number of people on this thread who have taken their husband's name. I can only think of two of my girlfriends who did this. One of my friends and her husband gave their daughter the wife's last name. His father was an SOB.

I know couples where the husband took the wife's name or where the two people took part of each other's names and merged it into a new last name.

I thought most of my female friends were going to have a stroke at my college roommate's wedding when we discovered she was taking her husband's name. They all asked me why and did I know? I told them "no." We all just assumed she wouldn't. No one else we knew had.

My other friend who took her husband's name had a horrible father. She said she took her husband's name b/c either way she was saddled with a man's name and she would rather it be the name of someone she picked and loved. Her father was truly an awful human being. She said she would have kept her name if her father wasn't such a suck hat.

Honestly, I think it's sort of weird to take the man's name. It seems sort of a throw back to me of the days when the law regarded wives as chattel. (Don't freak. I know no one here is chattel.) If anything, taking the woman's would make more sense for inheritance stuff, "bloodlines", etc. You can't always prove paternity, but maternity is a certainty
Originally Posted by Discgirl
I think that's WHY it was so important to take the man's last name - to determine legitimacy, inheritance rights, "ownership" of the wife and kids etc. etc. and to let the child know who their father is/was, since they know who their mother is. In the Caribbean where there is a high rate of babies born out of wedlock, it is customary for the mother to give the child the father's last name to "prove" who the father was. So if a woman has four different children with four different men, each has a different last name and it is obvious to everyone that they were born out of wedlock. So some women who are married and have all their children with the same man make sure to take the man's last name to show that all their children have the same last name and were born in wedlock. It's kind of a class/status thing. There was actually a campaign getting unmarried women to give their children their own last name so that all their kids had the same name and they would be a family with one name.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











iris427 wrote:
For me, I don't see marriage as leaving your family to start a new family. I see it as adding to the families you already have. I don't see anything wrong with taking your husband's name, or keeping your name or taking another option (like hyphenating)--whatever you (general you) feel is best for you and your family.

I don't think I will change my name when I get married. I don't feel like I need to do that for us to be a family. It's a little too patriarchal for me.

My SO will probably change his name at some point, from his father's last name to his mother's, since his father left them and hasn't been much of a father to him. We would rather have our future children carry on a name that means something to us.
[/quote]

I agree. I see marriage as bringing someone new into your family circle and joining someone else's family circle, not leaving anything. I will NEVER leave my family and when my children are born, they will be part of it too as well as part of my husband's family.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











I changed my last name for one purely selfish reason: aesthetics. My husband's short, simple, easy last name is about a BAZILLION times better sounding than mine was, especially when combined with my names--something writers like me have to consider. It's not weird, seemingly-unpronouncable, and easily mocked. Nope. It's boring and bland and I *heart* it.

If I had to do it over, though, I *might* have changed mine back from the ugly Americanized spelling to the original Hungarian, and hyphenated. But probably not.
Hair type: Completely confused: mostly 3a, some 3b parts, and even 2 in places; very fine and thin.
Products: Elucence clarifying & MBC; CK, F/X Curl Booster Fixative Gel (when I can find it)
I changed mine because I wanted to.
I used to have a signature but it disappeared and I just couldn't be bothered writing another so please feel free to ingore this.
You CAN take the wifes name - I've known someone who did this who had a destructive and abusive family life, and didn't keep in contact with his family, so he had no reason to carry on the name - OR you can make up a name of your own. I read on some wedding website that a couple had combined their last names to make up a new last name.

In my case, and probably most cases, it's traditional to take your husbands name. Most men find pride in carrying on their family name, so why do we have to look for reasons to take that away from them.
Originally Posted by babywavy
It depends on where you live, too.

In New York, when you apply for a marriage license, there are places on the form for both spouses to specify a new last name. So the woman can take the man's name, the man can take the woman's name, they can both change their names to anything, they can both keep their original las tnames. Whatever. I understand in some states the options are more limited and you have to jump through a lot more hoops unless you are doing the traditional patriarchal thang.

As for the bolded, I am sure some women take pride in carrying on their family name too. I don't think it's looking for reasons to take something away from your man if you are not comfortable with changing your identity when you get married. It's not about taking away fromthe man, it's about being true to yourself.
Originally Posted by geeky

I don't see my last name as my identity. I see my first name as more my identity than my last name. I see my last name as my FAMILY name, and when I become my husbands family, I take his name that represents that.

I also think it makes a nice balance in the family. I think women are constantly trying to compete to make themselves equal to men, but in reality, we will never be equal. In fact, if we prove that we are equal in every way, we will actually not be equal, but we will be superior as women. No matter what WE accomplish, men will never be able to bear children. We forget what a HUGE ability this is that we have over men that they will NEVER be able to do. We create life and GIVE men something to pass their genes and hertiage onto. What's in a name? I think we can at least give them that.
~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.
WebjockeyGuide
Guest
Posts: n/a
I changed my last name for one purely selfish reason: aesthetics. My husband's short, simple, easy last name is about a BAZILLION times better sounding than mine was, especially when combined with my names--something writers like me have to consider. It's not weird, seemingly-unpronouncable, and easily mocked. Nope. It's boring and bland and I *heart* it.

If I had to do it over, though, I *might* have changed mine back from the ugly Americanized spelling to the original Hungarian, and hyphenated. But probably not.
Originally Posted by SweetPickles
That's exactly why I'm keeping mine. It just sounds right.

Here's to selfishness

I don't see my last name as my identity. I see my first name as more my identity than my last name. I see my last name as my FAMILY name, and when I become my husbands family, I take his name that represents that.

I also think it makes a nice balance in the family. I think women are constantly trying to compete to make themselves equal to men, but in reality, we will never be equal. In fact, if we prove that we are equal in every way, we will actually not be equal, but we will be superior as women. No matter what WE accomplish, men will never be able to bear children. We forget what a HUGE ability this is that we have over men that they will NEVER be able to do. We create life and GIVE men something to pass their genes and hertiage onto. What's in a name? I think we can at least give them that.
Originally Posted by babywavy


If that's what a couple decides that is best for them, then they should do that. But not all men feel that way either. My SO doesn't care if I take his name, for example. In fact, he is the one who brought up me keeping my own name, because he saw the difficulty name changing brought his mother (e.g. she had to legally change her name in two different countries, which affected her legal status there).


I don't see my last name as my identity. I see my first name as more my identity than my last name. I see my last name as my FAMILY name, and when I become my husbands family, I take his name that represents that.

I also think it makes a nice balance in the family. I think women are constantly trying to compete to make themselves equal to men, but in reality, we will never be equal. In fact, if we prove that we are equal in every way, we will actually not be equal, but we will be superior as women. No matter what WE accomplish, men will never be able to bear children. We forget what a HUGE ability this is that we have over men that they will NEVER be able to do. We create life and GIVE men something to pass their genes and hertiage onto. What's in a name? I think we can at least give them that.
Originally Posted by babywavy


If that's what a couple decides that is best for them, then they should do that. But not all men feel that way either. My SO doesn't care if I take his name, for example. In fact, he is the one who brought up me keeping my own name, because he saw the difficulty name changing brought his mother (e.g. she had to legally change her name in two different countries, which affected her legal status there).
Originally Posted by iris427

Well, I actually said that in a previous post. Some men don't desire to carry on their family name, and in that case, why would they have to give it to their wives? Yes, I agree that it's what the couple wants.
~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.
That "ownership" thing is exactly why changing my name has always been a non-starter for me.

If a man feels "diminished" by his wife not taking his name, he has more problems than he's willing to acknowledge. It's not a question of a woman finding another way to show up men, blah, blah, blah. Plus, my name is on all my stuff (degrees, credit history, work I've created), etc. I also like the fact that long lost friends can google me and have my name pop right up and let them contact me. I had it happen and it was swell.

I'm being theoretical, b/c I'm not married. Nevertheless, I don't think I could be with a man who was insistent about me taking his name. I'd just want to know why.
I never understood the big deal over the name thing. If you want to drop your name and take your husbandís, then fine. You want to keep your name? Fine. I chose to tack my husbandís last name on to mine (no hyphen, just two last names).

My husband didn't care either way what I did. I probably would have taken issue with it if he insisted I take his name.
Madonna getting upset with her daughter for dressing too slutty is like Mr. T getting upset with his son for pitying too many fools.
I can't say for sure what I will do when I get married, but I don't like the idea of changing my name. I have a problem with a lot of the "traditional" aspects of marriage/weddings, the name change being a big part of it. The part of the wedding where the father walks the bride down the isle to hand her over to the husband feels too much like a property transfer to me. And as with any valuable piece of property, you need to have a title transfer, which is what the name change feels like to me. I'm sorry if I sound overly bitter, but I refuse to follow traditions that are based in women being their fathers' and husbands' property. If I do change my name, I would have to like my husband's name a lot better than my own.
*Poster formerly known as Bailey422*

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. ~ George Carlin
rainshower's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2001
Posts: 6,000
it's a personal preference. so just follow your convictions.

there really is no right or wrong way to approach the name issue. this issue is as varied as the many family dynamics that now exist.
"Dogs stink too, but I like dog stink." ~ rileyb
I would (hypothetically) want to hyphenate the names, or just keep our own names. But if we had kids, I wouldn't want the kid to have just their father's name, or just my name, so I'd probably hyphenate it, or just use both without the hyphen. But that always makes me think - what if they grow up and get married and want to hyphenate their name and their spouse's? That would be a very long name. So I don't really know, except that I think it's very patriarchal to take the husband's name and I like mine anyways so I want to keep it.

ETA: Also, all my cousins with my last name are girls, and my paternal grandparents were the only ones who had kids, so if none of us keeps our last name, it's gone!
I didn't mean leave your family in terms of abandoning them, but you do move out of their house, and financially, and personally your first responsibilities and priorities are with your husband or wife and children.

Things change when you get married - you no longer show up at family events w/ your parents, but rather with your spouse, they are not financially obligated to you anymore, they don't sign your name to Christmas cards - little things like that are examples of "leaving" your family (in terms of mother father and siblings) to start your own.
~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.
ETA: Also, all my cousins with my last name are girls, and my paternal grandparents were the only ones who had kids, so if none of us keeps our last name, it's gone!
Originally Posted by hobbs
Me too. I was the last child on our side of the family to have our last name. It upset me a little that it was going to be gone, but I knew most men would want their children to have their last name, so that's just the way it was going to work.

Besides, my grandfather has a brother who had sons, so there ARE some of us left, it's just not on our side.
~ the artist formerly known as babywavy ~

Please excuse any typos. For the time being, we are blaming it on my computer.
I like to view it as he took my last name.

I'm a Smith and I married a Smith.


Disclaimer: No, we're not related.




Byron,GA> Charleston, SC> Jacksonville, FL> Guilford, CT> Rohnert Park, CA! A southern drawl in sunny Cali! .
The amount of time from slipping on the peel and landing on the pavement is exactly one bananosecond.
I do have a secret yen for pink in unexpected places. ~ninja dog
I've decided that I'll never get down to my original weight, and I'm OK with that--After all, 8 pounds 2 oz. is just not realistic.
I didn't mean leave your family in terms of abandoning them, but you do move out of their house, and financially, and personally your first responsibilities and priorities are with your husband or wife and children.

Things change when you get married - you no longer show up at family events w/ your parents, but rather with your spouse, they are not financially obligated to you anymore, they don't sign your name to Christmas cards - little things like that are examples of "leaving" your family (in terms of mother father and siblings) to start your own.
Originally Posted by babywavy
Yes. But those all apply to the man as well (or they apply to neither - how many people gettng married live on their own, sign their own Christmas cards, and are financially responsible for themselves?). So he could be the one changing his name for all those reasons.

If you are traditional and like the idea of taking your husband's name (or if you are not traditional but felt like doing it anyway) then that's great and wonderful. But don't try to convince me that it is the natural and right way to do things. It is just a cultural convention, one that is a product of a patriarchal society. The reason women were expected to change their names was because traditionally they had no property, no professional contacts, no profession period. Women were just not allowed to create any accomplishments that would make their last name meaningful, so it was no big deal to change it.
To Trenell, MizKerri and geeky:
I pray none of you ever has to live in a communist state.

Geeky is my hero. She's the true badass. The badass who doesn't even need to be a badass. There aren't enough O's in cool to describe her.
I didn't mean leave your family in terms of abandoning them, but you do move out of their house, and financially, and personally your first responsibilities and priorities are with your husband or wife and children.

Things change when you get married - you no longer show up at family events w/ your parents, but rather with your spouse, they are not financially obligated to you anymore, they don't sign your name to Christmas cards - little things like that are examples of "leaving" your family (in terms of mother father and siblings) to start your own.
Originally Posted by babywavy
I suppose this is what happens if you get married young and/or when you are still dependent on your parents.

I'm not married. I moved out of my parents' house, and am financially and personally responsible for my self. I show up at family events by myself, and no one signs my name to anything except me.

I, personally, don't believe in the symbolism of changing my name when I get married. I believe my name is a representation of who I am, and I don't think that should change when I get married. To me, a marriage and husband should only add to your life, it shouldn't take anything away from it, including my name. Honestly, maybe I would feel differently if I went right from being taken care of by mommy and daddy to being "taken care of" by a husband. But that's not the way I've made my life...I take care of myself, and I don't ever want that to change.
"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON

Trending Topics


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:00 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com