spiderlashes5000

I have two close friends at work. But one of these women really disikes the other. We'll say A really dislikes B.

A dislikes B because B has made offhand comments to A (on such topics as A's slight weight gain, A's divorce, A's choice in make-up) that offended A. B didn't mean to be offensive; she is just, well, clueless and a tad socially backward. And maybe B thinks she is somehow being helpful?)

I have tried to randomly tell B that some of the stuff she comments on (esp the weight thing) is just inappropriate, no matter what the context really. But B disagrees with me and tries to debate me on the merits of her POV.

B has no idea she has offended A with these comments. She has just recently figured out that A doesn't like her, but has no idea why.

B wants us all to be able to go to lunch etc., as a group and for a while had been inviting A to join in, and getting repeatedly turned down.

Ideally, it would be nice if all my work friends got along but I really don't care. I'm OK with doing things with different people/groups separately.

But B has started trying to ask me if I know why A doesn't like her. I don't know if I should tell her. I think not bc maybe B would awkwardly try to smooth things over with A and put A on the spot? Or maybe A would feel like I betrayed her trust (though she has never explicitly asked me not to tell B why she doesn't like her). And I think it may just be a lost cause; I don't think A would want to be B's friend at this point.

But I think B would want to know this bc I believe her intention is not to offend and she is a basicaly good person.

For the record, I like both women a lot. And also for the record, B has made similar comments to me...but I just shrugged them off bc I really don't give a ish.

If you were in my situation and B asked you again why A doesn't like her, what would you say?

(gosh, this sounds very childish!!!! LOL)

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3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

cympreni

I would just say that they need to talk to the other person about it.

murrrcat

No I wouldn't because it wouldn't be my place to tell B, why A doesn't like her, I mean maybe A didn't tell me all the details anyway, so I wouldn't want to say something and then A would be like "ummm thats not what I was talking about" and then everyone is gonna end up hating me.

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NetG

I would stay out of it.

I tend to not think someone is so "nice" if they respond to being told they hurt someone's feelings by trying to prove why that person is wrong to feel that way, but that's just me.

If they disregard the other person's feelings that much, you'll only cause yourself heartache if you try to get in the middle of it for sure, versus if this were just an insensitive goof who means well and has a serious case of foot-in-mouth.

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spiderlashes5000

I never told her I had reason to believe she had ever hurt anyone's feelings with anything she said. I just sort of mentioned that I thought it was obnoxous to say this or that...without ever associating it with any specific person or situation.

I really don't think B is ill-intentioned bc once she let me read a text she wrote to her own sister that she thought might have been harsh. And I told her yes, it was very harsh. And B immediatey sent another text to her sister, apologizing.

And B has also said crazy things to me and then later awkwardly/weirdly apologized. And honestly, dealing with an apology from B is much worse than the initial comment IMO. LOL

But yeah, I guess I should just stay out of it. Ugh, she can be so dense!

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3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

sleepymeko

I would just mind your own business. Never get into other people's mess.

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rainshower

B does sound childish.

and i wouldn't get involved at all. B is a grown woman and should be able to handle personal conflicts on her own.

i totally side with A; i would put B on ignore-and-avoid as well, which is what i do when i see how people really are.

what confuses me is why B is determined to make friends with someone who clearly doesn't want to be bothered with her. desperation much?

and to the part in bold, i don't buy that B is socially awkward. you told her that certain tendencies of hers are off-putting and inappropriate and she debates that she's right. there you go; she's showing you who she really is.

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roseannadana

B sounds like a very hypercritical person. It is possible she does not realize how often she criticizes people for little things. If you want to be friends with B, you're going to have to call her out on it from time to time, i.e., "You probably don't realize this, but sometimes you criticize people over the smallest things!" I believe that in many cases, criticism becomes habitual but a person can learn to stop. She needs to learn to say kind, positive things. Consider the wisdom of Thumper's mother.

I'd lay odds that she does the same thing to you when you are out of ear shot. If B asked me why A didn't like her, I'd probably say "because you're always talking smack about her."

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spiderlashes5000

LOL @ red.

B just actually realized last week that A doesn't like her. Previously, B was saying to me, "A never seems to be availabe for lunch...I wonder why A takes so long to respond to my emails..."

It was just after several repeated attempts to schedule a group lunch, B finally threw up her hands and said, "it's clear that A just doesn't like me."

I think the reason the friendship is important to B is bc A and B are both my two closest friends at work. But if I am doing something w/ A (& Co.), B kinda gets excluded. And A / A & Co. can be fun to hang out with.

And it's hard to "just mind my own business" like sleepymeko says bc B has actually started asking me if I know what's going on.

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3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Josephine

I can totally really relate to B. That used to be me thanks to my insensitive and blunt mom and not having many friends(particularly female) to learn social skills from. I've learned to tone it down and watch what I say.

How old is B? I know you don't want to get in the middle of this, but it seems like it would be beneficial if B knew how her behavior affects others. I used to be clueless also and truly didn't get how offended and annoyed people got by me. But yes, I don't understand why she wants to be friends with someone who doesn't. I think she probably just wants to know why or what she did wrong. I have a friend like this...who loses friends by her behaviors(other reasons) and it's hard to tell her why..

spiderlashes5000

B is 42! LOLOL

And A is 32.

Some of this is bc B is a devout Christian and is trying to witness in her own strange way (comments about people getting divorced and drinking alcohol and other things). But that doesn't have anything to do with the weight gain comments or the unsolicited make-up tips or all the bizarre, irrelevant questions she asks.

This is odd to me bc B has three older sisters!

Hmmmmmm, you might be right about her genuinely being receptive bc she did apologize to her sister after I told that the text she sent was very harsh.

Now, I'm torn.

Do you think people are generally open to nonhypothetical constructive criticism?

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3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

thelio

could she have aspergers? she seems kinda old to not know proper manners.

Josephine

No, but I am and she sounds like she should be. Funny lio, we were just talking about aspergers at work, my coworker thinks he has it because he apparenlty is unable to feel empathy.

thelio

there is more to aspergers then lack of empathy. he could just be insensitive.

WileE-Dead

Stay out of it.

spiderlashes5000

Wow, do you think it's possible to ive 42 years and never realize you have Asperger's? (I'm sure if she has it she is unaware of it bc she tells me about all of her other medical problems.)

You never know what lies behind people's behavior...do you?

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3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

WileE-Dead

Hopefully H will weigh in here soon...

thelio

read this. does any of this sound like your friend?

What is Asperger syndrome? - | autism | Asperger syndrome |

spiderlashes5000

Oh crap! She might! I mean, she would be very low on the spectrum if she does, but the parts about not knowing when to start or end conversations, difficulty maintaining relationships and loving routines all ring true. And she does seem to lack empathy a tiny bit. But it's really subtle; she talkative and engaging and articulate and funny (which I guess is the stereotype I use to characterize people on the spectrum.

I am now remembering all sorts of "strange" things she does and I'm like OMG!

I remember once she said she liked my shoes and said I had the legs for shoes like that. And I very noncohalantly said, "Oh...thanks." And she spent the rest of the day following me around and frantically texting me, asking, "did I make you uncomfortable by saying that?...Did you think that was out of line? Do you think I'm gay now? Would you rather I not make those kinds of comments...Are we still friends? I hope you are not put off that I said that about your shoes and/or legs..."

And I'm like, I DONT GIVE A RAT'S ASS. I BARELY NOTICED. JEEZ!

Just this morning, I was sprinting into work, obviously running late, eager to get to my desk. And she calls me loudly from down the hall and starts asking me if it was oregano or basil that went into the tomato sauce recipe I gave her four months ago. And I'm like, "can you give me a minute, damn!" LOL

Wow, could this be possible?

And am I supposed to mention this possibility?

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3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG