how to "break up" with friend? advice PLEASE

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  • 1 Post By Speckla
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She and I have been friends for decades. At one time, we were close. But now she makes odd/hurtful comments about my life (such as being childless by choice -- that's just one example). If I call her on it, she clams up and the "discussion" ends.

In the past 1-1/2 years, I've gone through A LOT (unrelated to her). My nerves are shot, and I can no longer tolerate behavior like hers. Thankfully she lives a state away, but she keeps trying to initiate a visit.

What can I tell her that gets my point across, without being mean? I'll always care about her (from a distance!), but I have no desire to get together and I don't see that changing.

TIA for any advice!
shoulder-length 3a/b, depending on weather and products (or lack of products!)
Speckla
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It's best to just cut off the friendship, IMO, if you've warned her in the past and she continues on. It's not fair for you to keep taking this if it is making you feel bad. You can only be friends with someone who wants to be a friend. It's different if a friend is having a hardtime and needs support. Do you get any happiness, joy, or support from you friend as much as you give to her? If not, I'd say it's not a good friendship. Friends should help each other but not be an emotional drain. I've lost friendships due to me acting like that. I was hurt but you know what? You have to get to a point of caring for yourself too. You can put others first but it isn't healthy if you're put last all the time.

I dropped some unhealthy and toxic friendships lately. My sister was one. I told her how much she was hurting me and she kept doing stuff. I blocked her from facebook and my email. I've dropped other people on facebook. You maybe need to cut her loose and let her go on to someone else. Life is too short to be miserable especially if it's someone else's misery.

These are people I haven't seen in a while but just talked to. They didn't get my point when I said I can't handle their problems. They need to seek counselling and it's that bad. I am not the kind of person who can listen to *ALL* issues without being effected myself. It just brings me down. I had to let go if I was going to be ok myself.
sleepymeko likes this.

Last edited by Speckla; 03-18-2012 at 11:48 AM.
+1 on the above. I've had to drop some people myself recently because of behavior like your friend's and I'm so much happier for it. There comes a time when you grow up and sometimes friends don't and that's when friendships split, lack of common interest. I'd just tell her straight up,her comments are bothersome and you're tired of having to discuss it with her unsuccessfully. Plain and simple.
25", hennahead, CO, goal: hip
I kind of disagree with the above responses. You said you've called her on offensive things, but have you actually talked to her about how you feel your friendship has changed, how her comments/behavior negatively affect you, what you'd like for your friendship, and how all of this is ruining your friendship? Calling her out on individual problematic conversations doesn't address the real problem. An in-depth conversation might be a wake-up call for her and save your friendship.
I think for me,it's the fact her friend says these hurtful things more often than not....it's a sign of how she really feels about OPs personal choices. And for that fact,I don't think it's worth saving a friendship where you know the friend will always think badly of some of your choices.
25", hennahead, CO, goal: hip
I get that. I just think sometimes people don't take the time to analyze their motivations. Sometimes it takes someone telling you that you're being kind of a crappy human being for you take a critical look at your actions. They've been friends for decades, so either this person isn't that bad and this is fairly recent, or this person has always been horrible and the OP is now able to see that. If its the latter, then yeah, drop her like a bad habit, but if it's the former, maybe it's a matter of a wake-up call.
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Speckla
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I kind of disagree with the above responses. You said you've called her on offensive things, but have you actually talked to her about how you feel your friendship has changed, how her comments/behavior negatively affect you, what you'd like for your friendship, and how all of this is ruining your friendship? Calling her out on individual problematic conversations doesn't address the real problem. An in-depth conversation might be a wake-up call for her and save your friendship.
Originally Posted by Saria
I think for me,it's the fact her friend says these hurtful things more often than not....it's a sign of how she really feels about OPs personal choices. And for that fact,I don't think it's worth saving a friendship where you know the friend will always think badly of some of your choices.
Originally Posted by CoCoLoCks
Sometimes the situation is so severe and the emotional trauma and physically draining relationship is best cut off all at once. This is the extreme but sometimes it is healthier in the longrun and the best to do. You have to put yourself first in situations like this. If you can talk to your friend and things change than that's great. But that's not always the case.

Some people just don't get it or they just don't care as long as they have an audience to listen.
Just tell her what you told us and then say you dont see your friendship the same way you used to. Relationships evolve, sometimes devolve, sometimes dissolve. Thats how it goes.
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You certainly deserve to be treated well by people you interact with. Maybe you could initiate a strict "time off" from your friendship with her -- You wouldn't have to deal with her offensive comments, and it might give her time to understand what's going on with herself that makes her want to be offensive with you. Next time she tries to initiate a visit, you could say something as simple as "You know, I really need to focus my attention on some personal stuff, so I'm not having any house guests and will not be available to you for quite a while." It's your home, time, and life, so you really don't owe her or anyone else any further explanation, nor need to get her approval. Give yourself permission to wish her well and to end the conversation if she doesn't accept what you're telling her. If you feel up to it, maybe purpose a date to her in the future to reconnect so you can see if there's anything there to continue basing a healthy friendship on. If by then she "gets it" as far as her behavior and reforms, then fine, but if not, then you've both had all that time to get used to going on with your lives without this friendship.

Good luck with whatever you decide!
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I posted a similar question on another board. I'd say you stop initiating contact. The number one person's happiness you need to look out for is yours.


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I agree with Saria. What could it hurt to talk to her about it? It could either be a wake up call to her or help you drop her quicker. Talking could make it easier. Just a thought

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curlypearl likes this.
Next time she tries to initiate a visit, you could say something as simple as "You know, I really need to focus my attention on some personal stuff, so I'm not having any house guests and will not be available to you for quite a while."
Originally Posted by Devushka
This is what I decided to do in my reply to her e-mail. Here's hoping she will drop her attempts to get together.

Thanks to everyone for your input! I appreciate the different points of view.
shoulder-length 3a/b, depending on weather and products (or lack of products!)
Are you sure she is suddenly now making hurtful comments...or you are now becoming sensitive about certain issues?

I just hate to see a decades-long friendship end for the wrong reasons.
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Are you sure she is suddenly now making hurtful comments...or you are now becoming sensitive about certain issues?
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
This has been developing for a while. I think I've simply run out of patience. She has longstanding issues that she seems unwilling to deal with. To make herself feel better (IMO), she tries to tear me down.

Here's one example: She did not go to college and now regrets it. I did go to college, and I've had a decent career. She told me, out of the blue, that I'm too "caught up" in my career. No one else has ever said that, so I thought it was odd. When I asked "why do you say that?" she clammed up. Maybe I'm off base, but to me that means: "I don't have a leg to stand on; I just wanted to make you feel bad."

Anyway ... we long ago stopped having much in common, but at least I enjoyed being with her. That's no longer the case, so I'm not looking to save the friendship.
shoulder-length 3a/b, depending on weather and products (or lack of products!)
This week she went over the line with her thinly veiled, manipulative, drama queen b.s. that was designed to hurt my feelings and provoke a response. Instead it just made me want to roll my eyes.

So it's over! I won't respond to her latest missive in any way, and I'm cutting off all contact. It's a sad end to a long friendship, but I don't need people like her in my life.

Thanks for listening to me.
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shoulder-length 3a/b, depending on weather and products (or lack of products!)
I suck at this, TBH. But I feel like I give people plenty of chances when it comes to friendships. If it was me, I would just start backing out of doing activities with her, start avoiding her phone calls, etc.

I do the "fade away" because when you try to call people on their ****, they usually get super offended and want to fight with you. I just fade away from bad friendships so I don't have to deal with them.
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