NetG

I totally disagree.

I think there are many healthy ways to move on from a relationship, but bouncing to a new guy to get over an old one is totally unhealthy. It happens sometimes, and I don't think you have to miss out on a chance with a new great guy because it's "too soon" or something, if you're able to see the new guy for himself. However, the healing you do has to come from yourself and not a man to be healthy.

HOWEVER - I think the healthy reminiscing and missing companionship while you're single, even if you remember the bad times, is totally ok. Saria gave a great example - totally healthy, and if that's your viewpoint, I can see where you're really over that individual, but still thinking of him (or her, if that's your preference) fondly and missing the good times. I look back fondly at times with all my exes, but I would same I'm totally over them and certainly don't want any of them back! I look at the positives of the past as pointers to help me look in the right direction for the future.

__________________
The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
-Speckla

But at least the pews never attend yoga!

spiderlashes5000

No one is saying "bouncing" into something new expressly for the purpose of getting over someone. But just meeting someone else & moving on.

And not every ended relationship requires healing. Sometimes someone just isn't a good fit or the circumstances are wrong.

Sent from my SCH-I500 using CurlTalk App

__________________
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Josephine

This is how I am. I have to be really into someone before I can completely never miss the ex and out special moments.

I also am not the type of person that does well manless right after a break up. Flirting/dating guys for fun helps me a lot. After that initial stage, I do much better being alone (I'm in that stage right now, so not interested in meeting new guys).

Also I've only been through this once, but I waited a good few years before getting into another relationship, but I was younger and wanted to be single. Currently it's almost been a year but I still feel like it's kind of early...but not impossible. I never understood how people could into another serious relationship so quickly. It takes me a while to get over someone.

Narnia

I'm in the same place as you, Josephine. But it's only been more like 4 or so months. I dated a new guy but it wasn't serious, more like helped me bounce back. It takes someone that I'm really super into though to take my mind off an ex.

But I definitely "miss" my ex. Still at the point where I'm not ready for anything though. I think the circumstances are making it harder too. But I just kind of feel like I will always miss him/wonder "why" until I find someone new and just don't care anymore.



Sent from my "smart" phone, 'scuse crazy typos.

__________________
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

violets

I've had it both ways. But break up and never miss them again , even before finding someone else, has been the most often for me.

Its because I know the break up happened for a reason, I tried everything possible and I was over them before it ended, NOT GOING THERE AGAIN.

Only with my last bf before my current, I kept going back until I met my current. It was because I kept trying to "fix" the unfixable. I hadn't exhausted all possibilities so kept hoping it would be different.

spiderlashes5000

Was she saying "bouncing" to a new relationhip purposely to get over the last one...or just meeting someone else and moving on? I didn't think she was saying the first.

But not every relationship requires healing. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. You miss certain aspects of the person or the relationship but no lasting "damage" has been done to either party that requires healing

__________________
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Josephine

Yes, I'm almost to the point where I don't care anymore, almoost..but probably still need a lot more time for it to be 100%.

NetG

As I said in my post - if it's just missing someone like Saria mentioned in her post (and others have since) I don't think that's even "not over" someone. It's normal and I think healthy to have positive nostalgia for the good points of someone, and I'd be more leery of someone who was still bitter about an ex. I think missing some positive aspects of a relationship is helpful to us, to know things we want in other relationships.

It's the need to heal and find oneself again which can make it unhealthy to move on to someone new to put a bandaid on emotional damage which actually needs more than just a bandaid. Sometimes you just find someone great for you and aren't necessarily fully ready for them - but it would be foolish to pass up this person. In that case, if it's a truly healthy relationship, it's possible to do the healing from the past while in the new relationship. What often happens, though, both with men and women, is someone thinks they're "better" because they filled one emotional void with a new person but never repaired it, and after the new relationship ends the void is even bigger. It's how codependency can develop.

Again- that's NOT saying it applies in all cases, and I don't know anyone on this board well enough to say it does/doesn't apply to them. There's a difference between being unable to be single and choosing not to, for example. It takes introspection to realize what your (general you) situation is, not judgment from others. However, I totally disagree that it takes a new person to get over someone else - and I'm saying that using my definition, where I don't think nostalgia is a lack of being over someone, and don't think it's impossible to get over someone while with someone new.

__________________
The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
-Speckla

But at least the pews never attend yoga!

WileE-Dead

I say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else
g/l!

Butterfly_Curlz

Lmao! This has ALWAYS worked for me. Even when I didn't think I was ready to move on, the moment I decided to get under someone else I was ready then and it wasn't necessarily with that particular person but just to continue to see what was out there...like ok...this is what I've been missing! Thanks for reminding me! LOL.

__________________
Hair Type: A head full of THICK, normal porosity curls/coils that I am TOTALLY in LUV with!
(Transitioned for 16 & 1/2 months)

Loving: MC LI Condish, Raw shea butter, Coconut & Grapeseed Oil, SM raw shea butter shampoo,HEHH Conditioner, Braggs ACV & Egg, Mayo & EVOO PT's

JRock

I believe it's truly an individual decision. If you move on quickly, great. If you don't, great. I really don't believe there is a right or wrong way to feel when ones relationship ends. Honestly, it's up to your heart and only you know what's in your heart. I'm happily married now but that doesn't mean I don't reflect on good and bad times of past relationships. I'm thankful for all of my experiences because I evolved into the wonderful woman I am now.

Fat Thumbs + iPhone = Errors 

Who Me?

I agree with NetG.

Personally, I think the one of the most important things in life is being able to feel like a complete person alone, and to be able to find happiness in life without a partner. A partner should just add to that.

While sometimes you can't help but find a relationship soon after one ends and you're still getting over the last guy, I think if someone really can't get over someone until they find someone else they would be a happier person if they could figure out how to do so. To figure out what they need in themselves to fill that void. But that's just me. That's just my opinion. I know I'm generally in the minority on stuff like this, as I disagree with the way society thinks women need to be paired up to be happy and can't be fulfilled without a man.

__________________
"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" -BART SIMPSON

Saria

You know, a lot of women disagree with society's insistence that we can't be fulfilled without a man. Disagreeing with you on the matter at hand doesn't automatically mean that you agree with that idea.
Nor are your life experiences the same as everyone else's. People require different things to be happy.

__________________

NetG

I don't think we're disagreeing with you other than disagreeing with your definition of over.

I think you can still reminisce and miss having someone around and be over the most recent someone, in the way I use the term over - to me, what you described is being over someone.

On the other hand, I think there are a lot of women who try to fill emotional holes with men. Those are the serial dates who are never alone, who feel you can't get over one guy until there's another guy in his place - and by "get over" I mean healing emotional wounds and emptiness. Missing companionship and feeling like you're not whole (whether you recognize your unhappiness as meaning that or not) at totally different things. Missing companionship and wanting it is normal and healthy, whereas those who jump from one relationship to another to "get over" the past one are unhealthy. NO ONE has given an example in this thread which sounds like that to me - but your explanation especially sounded healthy to me.

And the serial dater who is incomplete without another person happens in both genders, and possibly more often in men... I'm just referring to women here because that's who most of us are.

__________________
The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
-Speckla

But at least the pews never attend yoga!

Saria

See, I have no issues with what you're saying, but I take issue with "I'm super-independent and I think everyone else should be and it's emotionally/mentally unhealthy if you're not as independent as I am", which is why I get now and have gotten in the past from Who Me's post on this sort of thing.
Wanting to find someone to share your life with doesn't mean that you're incapable of being alone. It just means that being alone isn't what makes you happy.
I don't know that I particularly want a large family, but I understand and accept that for some people, a large family is what will ultimately make them happy.
I also take issue with the idea that somehow wanting companionship is buying into society's message that all women need a man, which it's not. Saying that just reminds me of women who look down on women who choose and enjoy activities that are related to domesticity, even though CHOICE is what we should be championing for one another.

__________________

spiderlashes5000

To me, it's the armchair shrink routine that seems silly. I thought this thread was asking everyone's opinion about what they believe from personal experience or whatever. Not for someone to crack open their own version of the DSM-V and start trying to teach us how their way is the only "healthy" way and other ways are totally wrong. Who can measure this? Who can assign right and wrong judgments to issues like this? If one person is happy and says something works for her, then who can argue with that?

__________________
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

NetG

Other than I haven't paid attention to that tone in WhoMe's posts, I agree with everything you said. I think equality means women and men both have those choices, and they are valuable and decent options for anyone. I dislike that people still look down on a man who wants to be a house husband as well.

I have encountered those who look down on women who want to get married and have kids. I have encountered those who want to have careers and never have children. Not only do I feel that both are acceptable choices, I feel as long as there aren't children in the picture changing one's mind is also *totally* acceptable. I wish I were the type to want to get married and be a housewife, personally. I think it's amazing to grow up with a parent who is around and helps out in classrooms, is there to take you to activities, etc. I know it's not always an option due to financial restraints, and know that I'm not the only woman who doesn't want to do that. But it's worthy work.


Spidey - we're discussing the kind of people who affect all those around them with their neediness and misery. Again, it's totally possible to be single a long time or move right on to a new relationship. A complete inability to be alone (again, different from a desire to be in a relationship) signifies problems with an individual which affect every person around them.

You can easily say the opposite - that an inability to be in a relationship also signifies issues which affect all those around someone. It doesn't only go one way, and doesn't in any way condemn the huge variation in what works for many different individuals. But there are extremes on both sides which DO affect each of us if we know someone who fits them.

__________________
The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
-Speckla

But at least the pews never attend yoga!

Josephine

I get what you are saying. I don't know when I get completely over someone, but it's usually not right away. And hooking up and having fun helps me tremendously, especially when I'm not over someone. They are distractions and ways for me to have fun at a time where I am feeling down. I also go out with friends and like to travel which helps more, but the physical and friendly intimacy with males helps me in other ways. They are definitely NOT replacements and I don't ever miss being in a relationship because I love being alone, but I miss the person that I had become so attached to so it takes me a looong time to even want to start thinking about someone seriously again.

spiderlashes5000

IDK...to me, dating is a normal, healthy, (usually) happy part of life for single people. I think ideally, people are supposed to pair up and enjoy the company of people they find attractive and desirable. I don't understand what reasons single people would have for eschewing the dating scene for extended amounts of time. It's fun!

Sometimes you can't find a good match or sometimes you are too busy or maybe dealing with an issue that requires all of your time and energy, so dating might not be possible. But to me, dating is just part of life, just like working, hanging w/ platonic friends, doing hobbies, exercising, etc. I don't think it should be either sworn off or frantically pursued...it just should be, if possible and feasible.

Sure, I think everyone should be able to function alone. But I don't necessarily see the benefit in that. I don't see being without a companion for extended periods of time to be a badge of honor in any way....though sometimes circumstances dictate that we have to be.

Being a complete person has nothing to do with how often you date or whether you are in a relationship or not or how casual or serious your relationships tend to be IMO.

And I don't think the OP was necessarily talking about forcing serious relationships to happen...but maybe more like meeting new people, enjoying the company of others, flirting, going on dates, being physically intimate, casual relationships, serious relationships...all kinds of variations.

__________________
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Narnia

I needed to bump this because it has become painfully obvious to me that I'm not over my ex at all. Like missing him on a daily basis and actually crying over it not over it.

I just don't know when this will stop.. It's been months, I feel like I should move on already. I still see him occasionally (once a month maybe; soon he'll be leaving for 9 months so that'll be better..) and talk to him an I know thats really hindering the process, but we both do it because we both miss each other. It's such a crappy feeling

What do I do


Sent from my "smart" phone, 'scuse crazy typos.

__________________
"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”