Spinoff: Men think they can say anything to women they don't know - Page 2

Saria · 04-12-2012, 09:54 AM

I agree with some posters in that yes, this is a problem regarding male privilege and the male gaze, but I don't really think it's an issue in the example provided in the OP.
I posted this quote yesterday, which I love, on men's need to comment on women's appearance:

Quote:

What always stands out to me is the conceit and self-importance of these guys. I don’t mean that they think they are so great individually, but that they think by virtue of their maleness, their opinion is the holy grail. Like we’re all going to have a collective “phew! I feel better now!” moment after a random dude from the internet tells us that he “actually” likes a fat ass/small

It's from this article and ensuing discussion that really nails why it's so annoying and frustrating:

http://www.feministe.us/blog/archive...-isnt-helping/

spiderlashes5000 · 04-12-2012, 10:23 AM

When I was about 18, a homeless guy shouted at me that I looked like I would have a fat pu$$y. There were people all around who heard and after he said it, he literally fell to the ground laughing.

I'm no shrinking violet but I swear I wanted to fall into a hole and die. Never in my ife have I been so mortified!

kat180 · 04-12-2012, 10:51 AM

Right now instances I can think of:

"Nice t*ts (by a boy at school - I was 11 and mortified)

I've had a guy slow his car down look me up and down and give me the most upsetting smirk and turned his nose up like I stank. That one made me feel like crap and upset for most of the day.

The smile thing (think posted about it on here before) I was the only one on a bus once and the driver decided to badger me to smile/cheer up/it might not happen for the whole 20 minutes journey. I was perfectly happy, daydreaming away when he first started hounding me about it. I was incredibly uncomfortable and felt attacked and had no idea what to say. He wouldn't leave me alone though.

I'm sure some of you guys on here could have thought of something witty or a nice put down but Im terrible at confrontations.

Amneris · 04-12-2012, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

When I was about 18, a homeless guy shouted at me that I looked like I would have a fat pu$$y. There were people all around who heard and after he said it, he literally fell to the ground laughing.

I'm no shrinking violet but I swear I wanted to fall into a hole and die. Never in my ife have I been so mortified!

I know that was rude and unacceptable and I shouldn't laugh, but maybe because I "know" you spidey, and can picture how you would tell this story years later, I screamed with laughter reading this post!

CurlyElectra · 04-12-2012, 11:07 AM

I don't really have much to add, it's a major dislike for me as well. Usually I just respond with, "Who are you?" and walk away. I think that if a woman addressed a man in such a manner, he'd call her all kinds of bishes, like who does this chick think she is? Especially on a man's body? Oh man...talk about a blow up.

Trenell · 04-12-2012, 11:23 AM

"Smile" use to upset me. but now I think that's just because it yanked me out of my totally awesome daydream I was having.

kat180 · 04-12-2012, 11:35 AM

Of course equally frustrating in these types of instances is if you do say something you automatically become a b*tch/uptight/told to chill out etc

Ninjarette · 04-12-2012, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JewelCurls

Weirdly, the "smile" thing does not upset me... I feel they are trying to cheer me up if I look gloomy (my "thinking" face is definitely a bit scowly), and if accompanied by a warm smile on their part usually makes me smile too. I hate it when people tell me I look tired... I think it is really rude. Go ahead and point out my red, allergy ridden eyes and lack of energy. While you're at it, tell me I'm lazy and unprofessional for wearing less makeup than you think appropriate. Maybe even suggest I should have stayed home if I feel as bad as I look. Soooo rude! When I am in public, I try to keep my comments positive and complimentary to folks (ooo her shoes are pretty, beautiful curls, nice purse, sharp suit, etc.) You never know who might be listening.

But see, first off the guy doesn't know me to really care what could possibly be affecting my countenance. It's just a dumb thing to say, in my opinion.

If you wanna cheer me up, say something cheery, with a smile. That does much more than a barked command of "Smile!", as if I'm supposed to adjust my facial expressions to make myself more...whatever to a total stranger.

I could be having a bad day, coulda been just diagnosed with a terminal illness, mighta just been let go at my job, etc. There's many reasons for a straight face, or there may be no reason at all.

Ninjarette · 04-12-2012, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nallia

I don't see the issue being whether he was trying to be funny/friendly or rude. To me, the issue is that it's seen as acceptable to randomly comment on a woman's appearance any time a man feels like it. There are better ways to break the ice that aren't sexist and don't objectify a woman. A woman's appearance doesn't need to always be fair game for others' judgments/comments/jokes/whatever. As was already stated, men don't do this to each other.

There it is.

kat180 · 04-12-2012, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ninjarette

Quote:

Originally Posted by JewelCurls

Weirdly, the "smile" thing does not upset me... I feel they are trying to cheer me up if I look gloomy (my "thinking" face is definitely a bit scowly), and if accompanied by a warm smile on their part usually makes me smile too. I hate it when people tell me I look tired... I think it is really rude. Go ahead and point out my red, allergy ridden eyes and lack of energy. While you're at it, tell me I'm lazy and unprofessional for wearing less makeup than you think appropriate. Maybe even suggest I should have stayed home if I feel as bad as I look. Soooo rude! When I am in public, I try to keep my comments positive and complimentary to folks (ooo her shoes are pretty, beautiful curls, nice purse, sharp suit, etc.) You never know who might be listening.

But see, first off the guy doesn't know me to really care what could possibly be affecting my countenance. It's just a dumb thing to say, in my opinion.

If you wanna cheer me up, say something cheery, with a smile. That does much more than a barked command of "Smile!", as if I'm supposed to adjust my facial expressions to make myself more...whatever to a total stranger.

I could be having a bad day, coulda been just diagnosed with a terminal illness, mighta just been let go at my job, etc. There's many reasons for a straight face, or there may be no reason at all.

This. It always amazes me that these people seem to always say 'cheer up, it might never happen', 'don't look so gloomy' etc when they have no idea what's going on in your mind or your life. Something pretty cra*py could have already happened for all they know!

wild~hair · 04-12-2012, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ninjarette

But see, first off the guy doesn't know me to really care what could possibly be affecting my countenance. It's just a dumb thing to say, in my opinion.

If you wanna cheer me up, say something cheery, with a smile. That does much more than a barked command of "Smile!", as if I'm supposed to adjust my facial expressions to make myself more...whatever to a total stranger.

I could be having a bad day, coulda been just diagnosed with a terminal illness, mighta just been let go at my job, etc. There's many reasons for a straight face, or there may be no reason at all.

Yes, it has the air of royalty commanding their jesters to make them laugh or something. Antiquated, rude and arrogant.

Nej · 04-12-2012, 12:00 PM

I was having a drunk rage at the local country bar the other day because line dancing songs came on and nobody but me was line dancing, instead they were pushing ME OFF the dance floor so they could bump and grind like a bunch of posers. Some guy who was trying to hit on my friend told me I was "cute when I was mad" I was so beyond offended. FIRSTLY, do you think I'm so stupid that some male attention is all it's going to take to make it better??? That the mere fact that your pitiful attempt to compliment me will soothe my rage!?? That I'm so insecure and desperate that being hit on and devalued by a 20 year old will placate me??

I just wanted to do the Cadillac Ranch people. Is that really too much to ask.

wild~hair · 04-12-2012, 12:07 PM

When men used to tell me to smile, I learned to scowl at them. I found it very satisfying.

CocoT · 04-12-2012, 12:12 PM

This pisses me off as well. Especially when a guy tries to talk to you, asking you personal questions and has the audacity to make it as if your compliance is mandatory. Gtfoh.

My sister was telling me about this classic "scrubs" moment she experienced yesterday evening. A dude in the passenger side of a car asked my sister for her name. She was walking on the sidewalk and the car was on the road. I guess the scrub asked his friend to slow the car down so he could try to holla. Well, she said no and kept walking and he then proceeded to call her a ******.

Wtf?

Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

Ninjarette · 04-12-2012, 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CocoT

This pisses me off as well. Especially when a guy tries to talk to you, asking you personal questions and has the audacity to make it as if your compliance is mandatory. Gtfoh.

My sister was telling me about this classic "scrubs" moment she experienced yesterday evening. A dude in the passenger side of a car asked my sister for her name. She was walking on the sidewalk and the car was on the road. I guess the scrub asked his friend to slow the car down so he could try to holla. Well, she said no and kept walking and he then proceeded to call her a ******.

Wtf?

Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

RIGHT! You just made me think about this:

I'm standing in Popeye's Chicken, very tired, just tryna get a few wings and a biscuit. That's all.

Me: (talking to the folks behind the counter) "Can I get someone to take my order please? I've been standing here for quite a long time"

Random Guy: "What do you do for a living?"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Random Guy: "No need for an attitude. I was just asking...you seem to be a take charge type of woman".

Me: "No attitude here. But you may not wanna ask random strangers personal questions, without even a "hello" or some kind of intro."

That's a male thing. Men often feel like they can address women like we're children, under their jurisdiction. That random dude expected me to just provide information, with no reason for it. He asked. I was supposed to answer. I find that interesting.

He was too clueless to realize that his question was inappropriate, and when I tried to clue him in, he interpreted my reaction as "attitude".

FieryCurls · 04-12-2012, 12:23 PM

I had a man comment that I must have a big gas bubble under my shirt as I was on the elevator going to my dr. appointment while 38 weeks pregnant. I was 38 weeks pregnant and short, but I wasn't especially big. How do you respond to that?!?

nynaeve77 · 04-12-2012, 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FieryCurls

I had a man comment that I must have a big gas bubble under my shirt as I was on the elevator going to my dr. appointment while 38 weeks pregnant. I was 38 weeks pregnant and short, but I wasn't especially big. How do you respond to that?!?

Fart in his face and say, "Nope, guess that's not it!"

FieryCurls · 04-12-2012, 01:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nynaeve77

Quote:

Originally Posted by FieryCurls

I had a man comment that I must have a big gas bubble under my shirt as I was on the elevator going to my dr. appointment while 38 weeks pregnant. I was 38 weeks pregnant and short, but I wasn't especially big. How do you respond to that?!?

Fart in his face and say, "Nope, guess that's not it!"

Munchy · 04-12-2012, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amneris

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

When I was about 18, a homeless guy shouted at me that I looked like I would have a fat pu$$y. There were people all around who heard and after he said it, he literally fell to the ground laughing.

I'm no shrinking violet but I swear I wanted to fall into a hole and die. Never in my ife have I been so mortified!

I know that was rude and unacceptable and I shouldn't laugh, but maybe because I "know" you spidey, and can picture how you would tell this story years later, I screamed with laughter reading this post!

I had to laugh out loud too! LOL

CurlyElectra · 04-12-2012, 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CocoT

This pisses me off as well. Especially when a guy tries to talk to you, asking you personal questions and has the audacity to make it as if your compliance is mandatory. Gtfoh.

Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

Sadly, this isn't just men, at least in my experience. I've had women ask me questions that I did not deem appropriate because I didn't know them, and if I respond and tell them I don't think I really need to answer that, it's OFTEN greeted with a rude retort. It's never, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was inappropriate." This has spanned across all races/genders for me.

I honestly think that in our society, with so many things being transparent now, people think it's completely okay to ask nosy questions to a stranger.