How do you know when it's time to end a friendship? *Update - post #32

SilverCurls · 05-02-2012, 05:59 PM

My daughter is struggling with this question and I wondered if anyone would care to share their thoughts?

claudine19 · 05-02-2012, 06:06 PM

Persistent irritation and misunderstandings, or a loss of respect.

SilverCurls · 05-02-2012, 06:09 PM

I think all 3 of those apply in my daughter's case...

Like.Australia · 05-02-2012, 06:09 PM

I can't remember how old your daughter is, but for me, it's when we've grown apart and no longer really have anything in common. For me, there are very few people from school that I still keep in touch with. I just don't share many interests with them anymore. If your daughter is still school-aged, it's probably a bit harder, but I'd say if she's not getting out what she puts in and/or it's causing her more frustration/anger/negative stuff than positive stuff, then it may be time to cut the friendship out of her life.

Saria · 05-02-2012, 06:12 PM

It really does depend on the situation, but I find they mostly end mutually or even when it's one-sided, it happens pretty naturally, without official announcement.
It's usually a matter of not finding anything that ties you to that person anymore. You have nothing to talk about, you don't particularly want to hang out. And of course, there is the case when they simply do something that bothers you and that you cannot overlook.

When friendships have ended, I've found we just talked less and less until finally there was no more communication. Of course, when I was younger, I had friendships end without having any idea what exactly I'd done. I really prefer for people to tell me things instead of leaving me in the dark, so if this friend of your daughter's doesn't see this coming, I do think it's best to lay things out on the table.

SilverCurls · 05-02-2012, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Like.Australia

I can't remember how old your daughter is, but for me, it's when we've grown apart and no longer really have anything in common. For me, there are very few people from school that I still keep in touch with. I just don't share many interests with them anymore. If your daughter is still school-aged, it's probably a bit harder, but I'd say if she's not getting out what she puts in and/or it's causing her more frustration/anger/negative stuff than positive stuff, then it may be time to cut the friendship out of her life.

My daughter is 17.

The bolded is really it in a nutshell and I have told her the same thing.

SilverCurls · 05-02-2012, 06:24 PM

Saria, I feel it is time for my daughter to let her friend know how she has been feeling and to put some distance between them. They have been extremely close for 6 years, but for the past year, my daughter has been impacted to the point of experiencing far too much stress because of her friend's issues. My daughter feels conflicted, but needs to start thinking of herself.

It's been like watching someone be sucked down into quicksand. I no longer feel I can support the friendship because of how it negatively affects my daughter's emotional well-being.

sleepymeko · 05-02-2012, 06:33 PM

When you can't stand to be around them anymore. I think everyone here knows I had some "problems" with a couple of girls.

Also, I think it's important to end the relationship when they don't seem to care much about your welfare. Such as, you give a lot to the relationship, but they're just free-riding and don't really care much for your well being or the relationship.

amandamarie · 05-02-2012, 06:34 PM

I think the important thing for you (as opposed to your daughter) to remember is that ending friendships is not an easy thing and you can't force someone to see that it's good for them. You can and should tell her your views, but for me, when people (whether my mother or my other friends) have pushed me to end a friendship before I really felt like I'd put everything I needed to put into it, I just ended up feeling worse, like I was letting them down on top of everything else.

She'll figure it out when she's ready to.

sleepymeko · 05-02-2012, 06:38 PM

Yea, it's probably time to end that relationship.

There's a saying to always "remember" or "keep" your old friends close, which is something I disagree with. Sometimes you outgrow people. All because you were friends when you were 10, doesn't mean you'll be friends when you're 30. People develop new interests and change, it's only human to get bored of someone or something. People rarely keep in contact with old friends from childhood anyway. I'll tell her not to worry about it. She'll make more meaningful relationships in adulthood, where most people are more sure of themselves and they've developed their own identity. It's unnecessary to stay friends with someone who causes you more headaches than anything else.

Like.Australia · 05-02-2012, 06:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sleepymeko

Yea, it's probably time to end that relationship.

There's a saying to always "remember" or "keep" your old friends close, which is something I disagree with. Sometimes you outgrow people. All because you were friends when you were 10, doesn't mean you'll be friends when you're 30. People develop new interests and change, it's only human to get bored of someone or something. People rarely keep in contact with old friends from childhood anyway. I'll tell her not to worry about it. She'll make more meaningful relationships in adulthood, where most people are more sure of themselves and they've developed their own identity. It's unnecessary to stay friends with someone who causes you more headaches than anything else.

Or even 17... There were several people I was friends with in elementary/middle school that I definitely wasn't still friends with by the time the end of high school came around.

Like.Australia · 05-02-2012, 07:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverCurls

Quote:

Originally Posted by Like.Australia

I can't remember how old your daughter is, but for me, it's when we've grown apart and no longer really have anything in common. For me, there are very few people from school that I still keep in touch with. I just don't share many interests with them anymore. If your daughter is still school-aged, it's probably a bit harder, but I'd say if she's not getting out what she puts in and/or it's causing her more frustration/anger/negative stuff than positive stuff, then it may be time to cut the friendship out of her life.

My daughter is 17.

The bolded is really it in a nutshell and I have told her the same thing.

I think it's really hard when she still may see the friend every day at school -- much easier when you're an adult and there is physical distance between you and the other person. It's up to her to make some space and focus on herself at this point if she sees it the same way you do.

Saria · 05-02-2012, 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverCurls

Saria, I feel it is time for my daughter to let her friend know how she has been feeling and to put some distance between them. They have been extremely close for 6 years, but for the past year, my daughter has been impacted to the point of experiencing far too much stress because of her friend's issues. My daughter feels conflicted, but needs to start thinking of herself.

It's been like watching someone be sucked down into quicksand. I no longer feel I can support the friendship because of how it negatively affects my daughter's emotional well-being.

I definitely think it's important and also difficult to learn when to give up on some friendships. We don't want to make someone feel bad or abandon them, but sometimes we have to realize there is nothing we can do to change things, and certainly not if we're just getting dragged down. As painful as it can be to admit, friends are ultimately responsible for themselves and help can only go so far, especially when they don't seem to want it.

SilverCurls · 05-03-2012, 03:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amandamarie

I think the important thing for you (as opposed to your daughter) to remember is that ending friendships is not an easy thing and you can't force someone to see that it's good for them. You can and should tell her your views, but for me, when people (whether my mother or my other friends) have pushed me to end a friendship before I really felt like I'd put everything I needed to put into it, I just ended up feeling worse, like I was letting them down on top of everything else.

She'll figure it out when she's ready to.

I can appreciate where you're coming from, but my daughter is the one who has come to the realization. I have listened to her concerns, and I've offered my support, advice, and a shoulder to cry on.

My daughter is a bright young lady. She knows she needs to put some distance between them but is conflicted in how to go about it. She is worried about hurting her friend and possibly setting off more self-destructive behavior in her friend. This young lady has some serious issues.

SilverCurls · 05-03-2012, 04:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Saria

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverCurls

Saria, I feel it is time for my daughter to let her friend know how she has been feeling and to put some distance between them. They have been extremely close for 6 years, but for the past year, my daughter has been impacted to the point of experiencing far too much stress because of her friend's issues. My daughter feels conflicted, but needs to start thinking of herself.

It's been like watching someone be sucked down into quicksand. I no longer feel I can support the friendship because of how it negatively affects my daughter's emotional well-being.

I definitely think it's important and also difficult to learn when to give up on some friendships. We don't want to make someone feel bad or abandon them, but sometimes we have to realize there is nothing we can do to change things, and certainly not if we're just getting dragged down. As painful as it can be to admit, friends are ultimately responsible for themselves and help can only go so far, especially when they don't seem to want it.

I feel the exact same way and have said as much to my daughter. Deep down, she knows what she needs to do but it has been difficult. She's learning a very valuable life skill.

You are very wise.

NetG · 05-03-2012, 09:55 AM

I have a strong tendency to want to "save people." I feel like I should be able to be there for them and help them through problems - but the challenge is, often those people don't WANT to be helped. I am guessing it comes from my mom's very strong codependency, but it's something I fight in myself because I want to stay emotionally healthy, and it's very easy to allow others to drag you down.

Your daughter doesn't need to completely end the friendship, or even tell this girl she doesn't want to be friends. If she just starts to do more with others and distance herself, she'll find herself feeling better and happier. Chances are once that happens the other girl will either choose to hang around and become happier herself, or distance herself. Misery loves company, and loves for that company to be miserable as well.

spiderlashes5000 · 05-03-2012, 11:49 AM

The friend isn't suicidal or anything is she?

B-wavy · 05-03-2012, 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NetG

I have a strong tendency to want to "save people." I feel like I should be able to be there for them and help them through problems - but the challenge is, often those people don't WANT to be helped. I am guessing it comes from my mom's very strong codependency, but it's something I fight in myself because I want to stay emotionally healthy, and it's very easy to allow others to drag you down.

Your daughter doesn't need to completely end the friendship, or even tell this girl she doesn't want to be friends. If she just starts to do more with others and distance herself, she'll find herself feeling better and happier. Chances are once that happens the other girl will either choose to hang around and become happier herself, or distance herself. Misery loves company, and loves for that company to be miserable as well.

NetG, I do the same thing re "saving people" and for the same reason. It can be extremely draining. I think your advice about gradually distancing herself is excellent considering the friend has serious issues. It isn't as abrupt or final as putting an immediate end to the friendship.

SilverCurls · 05-03-2012, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000

The friend isn't suicidal or anything is she?

As far as I know, she isn't suicidal. Her issues are cutting, bulimia, anorexia, depression, anxiety, not attending school, running away, smoking pot,unhealthy relationships with boys, and we recently found out she is having sex. We were already aware of her anxiety, eating disorder, and difficulties with school. The other things are new revelations.

I have had to keep a very watchful eye on the relationship because the parents turn a blind eye to most of these issues and are actively condoning the sex, to the point that the young man has stayed the night in her bedroom with their full knowledge and consent.

It's just very sad. Her friend is otherwise a nice young lady. She's charming, talented, and has a good heart. Our entire family is just worried sick for her and we hope she is able to pull through.

NetG · 05-03-2012, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverCurls

As far as I know, she isn't suicidal. Her issues are cutting, bulimia, anorexia, depression, anxiety, not attending school, running away, smoking pot,unhealthy relationships with boys, and we recently found out she is having sex. We were already aware of her anxiety, eating disorder, and difficulties with school. The other things are new revelations.

I have had to keep a very watchful eye on the relationship because the parents turn a blind eye to most of these issues and are actively condoning the sex, to the point that the young man has stayed the night in her bedroom with their full knowledge and consent.

It's just very sad. Her friend is otherwise a nice young lady. She's charming, talented, and has a good heart. Our entire family is just worried sick for her and we hope she is able to pull through.

Anyone with those symptoms is suicidal, death threats or not....

My nephew (who is currently a runaway) has many of those same symptoms. In his case, it's because his brain chemicals got out of whack when he hit puberty, and he chose to try to self-medicate. He was seeing a counselor/psychiatrist and on meds which helped him stabilize emotionally, but decided to refuse to take his meds, smoke pot instead, and basically went berserk.

I'd say the most important thing is don't enable the bad behavior, but be supportive of positive steps. My nephew is extremely smart, charismatic, and extremely talented, and unfortunately he's using that to con other kids' parents into letting him stay with them. Yes, the police are involved.

Troubled teens are a HARD thing to deal with, and I would say knowing what's up your daughter is perfectly within her rights to distance herself, and it's probably the smartest decision for her.

I've seen other teens go through that kind of mess and come out the other side looking back and asking why the heck they did it. It's most often something they grow out of as everything settles down in themselves, but it also is usually far easier to get through with help. If her parents are encouraging her, I'm guessing they probably haven't even considered getting her psychiatric help?