What is this? Low self-esteem?

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HER: I had a blind date tonight. The minute he met me he said, "Oh. I thought you had red hair" sounding all disappointed.

ME: Sounds like a jerk.

HER: Yeah. Pretty much the whole night he made jerky comments about me.

ME: Ew. What an asz.

HER: But that just made me MORE attracted to him because it's a challenge, you know? Like, what can I do that will make him like me?

ME: Nothing. Because if he's criticizing you on the first date, clearly he's going to continue to find fault with you no matter what you do for him.

HER: Yeah... But he's so hot!

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Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



Devaluing of women? Dehumanizing of men, so rather than looking for a fellow human being, she's looking for a pretty image?

Unhealthy, and likely to whine to you about it later?
The pews never miss a sermon but that doesn't get them one step closer to Heaven.
-Speckla

But at least the pews never attend yoga!
It's so disheartening to hear the above conversation coming out of the mouth of a 37 year old woman-- I just always feel like at some point you get over that.

I got an email from her last night saying she can't wait to talk to me when she sees me because she's been a bad, bad girl but I shouldn't judge because Saturday was a full moon. Of course, whatever she did may not actually be with the above guy because she's a serial OK Cupider. But I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself.
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Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



It's so disheartening to hear the above conversation coming out of the mouth of a 37 year old woman-- I just always feel like at some point you get over that.

I got an email from her last night saying she can't wait to talk to me when she sees me because she's been a bad, bad girl but I shouldn't judge because Saturday was a full moon. Of course, whatever she did may not actually be with the above guy because she's a serial OK Cupider. But I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself.
Originally Posted by Springcurl
I have a friend like that. She's 34. I think with my friend it helps her feel not as lonely. But ive known her since we were teenagers an d shes always been that way.

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37!!!!???? I swear I thought you were talking to someone in their early twenties.

I have heard of women becoming more attractive to men who insults them, but they tend to be young and just don't know any better.

its just disrepectful and she needs a kick to the head if she doesnt see that.
Yeah, I think it's a manifestation of low self-esteem. A woman like this doesn't actually want a relationship at all (even though she says she does), and clearly doesn't think she deserves to be treated well. Someone who behaves this way just wants attention and drama to fill the void of loneliness in their life. If you always have some kind of jerk to complain about and talk to your friends about, then you always have something "interesting" to say, and you always have something "interesting" to think about when you're home alone and the rest of your life is dull and unfulfilling.

If this woman found some things to occupy her time and energy in some other kind of way that would fill the loneliness and the boredom, she could probably accept finding a real man who's nice to her.
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a dear friend of mine has been married for 13 years to someone who puts her down all the time.

drives me mad!

when i go to Toronto, i spend time with her alone rather than have to hear him.

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Last edited by cympreni; 06-06-2014 at 09:53 PM.
I guess some people are more comfortable w/ put downs and abuse and drama bc that's what they experienced growing up and what has come to seem normal to them.

But there's no way of knowing whether the guy meant the red hair comment or any of his other comments as put downs or not.

Some people read a lot into innocent comments.

So it's hard to tell what's going on.
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Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 05-07-2012 at 11:50 AM.
I would say this is a mixture of self-hatred and a tenuous grasp on reality.
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Ew, she falls for negging. :/
Originally Posted by Saria
That's what I was thinking!


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Ew, she falls for negging. :/
Originally Posted by Saria
But at 37, a woman should know better! I know kids who wouldn't fall for that crap!!
That specific comment doesn't sound that jerky to me, but of course that would depend on the context and tone. (Why would he think she had red hair, anyway?)

If he said other things that were unquestionably insulting and she still wants to date with, it could be low self-esteem, or a "men will be men" attitude. You know--a man can be a douchebag on several levels, or just plain incompatible with you, but as long as he's reasonably attractive and isn't a total loser then you should give it a go, because you'll get to have a MAN in your life!!!
Eres o te haces?
I hate, hate, hate the "men will be men" excuse for obnoxious behavior.
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I just emailed her to ask her if it was that guy and she responded "no, it's worse." of course she didn't say who. My guess until she tells me is actually a guy who used to date but would never commit and actually say he was her boyfriend. So she broke up with him, then he started stalking her. Literally. He emails her at least monthly and she ignores him. But he's a musician so she sees him when she goes out to clubs.

She frequently gushes, "But he's so hot! Why does he have to be so hot?"

She also said in her last email, "I will admit that I crave drama in my relationships. I don't do drugs so I guess I do drama."

You know, I drive with her three times a week to practice. I listen to her OK Cupid dating stuff politely,etc. but she also knows my life and I find it surprising that she would admit that she craves drama when my life is so quiet and by choice VERY drama free.

Now I have to figure out what to say so that I don't sound all disapproving and judgy-- which I totally am.


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Obamacare is not a blueprint for socialism. You're thinking of the New Testament. ~~ John Fugelsang



Say nothing at all. And if she remarks on your silence, say, "It's just not my cup of tea."

People who live like this often require an audience.
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Dogs and nature abhor a vacuum.
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Last edited by claudine19; 05-07-2012 at 01:40 PM. Reason: forgot a comma
That could be due to a lot of things or a combination of many:
*Previous emotional abuse (which then becomes what she's used to and therefore what she wants)
*Shallowness
*Immaturity
*Plain stupidity (sorry)
*General manipulative personality (You can't make someone like you)
*Drama Queen


Ew, she falls for negging. :/
Originally Posted by Saria
That's what I was thinking!


Siri types my posts for me.
Originally Posted by redcelticcurls
Yup, good call!
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My insecure 48 year old bipolar sister is a serial dater, sometimes dating 2 or 3 guys at a time, mostly strangers she met online. The rest of her life is just as much of a mess. It makes me anxious but it's gotten to the point where I just don't want to hear about it anymore. She whines that I don't care about her. It's certainly not true. She's been my favorite person in the world since the day she was born. But it's not my job to take care of her so I've left her to make her own bad decisions.

I hope your sister 'outgrows' it.
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Last edited by jeepcurlygurl; 05-07-2012 at 02:16 PM.
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I've noticed that some people who stay single and childless for years beyond the "norm" never leave that 20-something mindset. In regard to a lot of things. Well, even people in mid-age who find themselves single. I honestly think that the act of dating just brings that out in some people.

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