LOVE: saying it, showing it, knowing it

luvmylocs · 05-15-2012, 10:19 AM

so, when you're in a relationship what's a general timeframe for saying "i love you"?

does it really matter who says it first?

if a person is acting a certain way but doesn't say it, is that cause for concern?

if it hasn't explicitly been said after a period of time is it safe to assume the person does not love you?

how long would you remain in a relationship where there are no verbal expressions of "i love you"?

should you feel a burning "oh my goodness, i can't live without him feeling" to know you are in love?

is it true love gets deeper over time?

what if it's not intense in the beginning? is that a bad sign?

please weigh in and share any other insights on the topic.

journotraveler · 05-15-2012, 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvmylocs

so, when you're in a relationship what's a general timeframe for saying "i love you"? There is no timeline.

does it really matter who says it first? Nope. But in my case, the man usually says it first. Maybe because I'm chickenish?

if a person is acting a certain way but doesn't say it, is that cause for concern? Some people are better at showing their feelings than saying what they feel. But I still need to hear it.

if it hasn't explicitly been said after a period of time is it safe to assume the person does not love you? No.

how long would you remain in a relationship where there are no verbal expressions of "i love you"?Hard to say.

should you feel a burning "oh my goodness, i can't live without him feeling" to know you are in love?No. Sometimes it creeps up on you, slowly. For me, that's better than the instantaneous, heads over heels thing.

is it true love gets deeper over time?For me, yes.

what if it's not intense in the beginning? is that a bad sign?Not at all.

please weigh in and share any other insights on the topic.

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spiderlashes5000 · 05-15-2012, 10:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvmylocs

I sometimes ask myself these questions, too. So I'm not trying to say I have all the answers.

so, when you're in a relationship what's a general timeframe for saying "i love you"?

IME, it was always said btwn 3-5 months.

does it really matter who says it first?

I have never said it first.

IDK if I would bc I think some men, who are not in love w/ you, could use a pre-emptive ILU against you.

I don't think women do that.

But I have heard men talk about women they were involved with (but not in love with) who said and the men, and I found the stories they told troubling.

But just in all honestly, sometimes I am unsure and not ready to say it...and then the guy opens the door and says it.

if a person is acting a certain way but doesn't say it, is that cause for concern?

Yes, I would be concerned if I was in a relationship where we saw each other on a regular basis etc. and it wasn't being said...definitely after 9 months - a year.

if it hasn't explicitly been said after a period of time is it safe to assume the person does not love you?

I woud probably ask, as a last resort before calling it quits.

However, I do have a close gf who has been dating a guy for 2.5 yrs. They see very "in love" and they live together and do a lot together, and she is definitely starting to think of marriage/kids w/ him. But they have never said it to each other. He told her early on that the only person he would ever say that to is his mother. But other than not saying those words, he is a good bf to her and treats her well, etc. So who knows??

how long would you remain in a relationship where there are no verbal expressions of "i love you"?

Not longer than a year. But I might start to get concerned after 6 or 9 months. I would eventually bring it up, though.

should you feel a burning "oh my goodness, i can't live without him feeling" to know you are in love?

That's a tough one. I usually do...but then, in retropect, sometimes those feeings really weren't love.

is it true love gets deeper over time?

Sometimes. Or it can decrease and disappear. Or maybe stay the same.

what if it's not intense in the beginning? is that a bad sign?

I would guess all relationships start out differently. But I personally would be concerned if there was no "chemistry" but that is a tangential issue...

please weigh in and share any other insights on the topic.

I think some people love easily and other people need more time and conditions to be a certain way.

Some people have been in love 100 times in their life. Others maybe once or never...but the quality and nature of their relationships could be similar to those experienced by people who are saying ILU to each other constantly.

Sometimes two people can say the love each other but love isn't enough.

This topic is always such a mindF. LOL

LOL

LadyV69 · 05-15-2012, 10:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvmylocs

so, when you're in a relationship what's a general timeframe for saying "i love you"? I don't think there really can be one. Every relationship is different. In my case, the words have usually been said within 4-8 weeks, which in some cases, was way too soon as I really didn't know the man too well. Also in hindsight, what I felt was more lust than anything else.

does it really matter who says it first? In my case, it's never mattered.

if a person is acting a certain way but doesn't say it, is that cause for concern? That can depend on the person. Some people are better at showing their feelings then verbalizing them. Sometimes actions can speak louder than words, but I do need to hear it at least once in a while.

if it hasn't explicitly been said after a period of time is it safe to assume the person does not love you? This again can depend on the person as some people aren't great at verbalizing their feelings. I would ask the person after around 6 months what they felt before I threw in the towel.

how long would you remain in a relationship where there are no verbal expressions of "i love you"? About a year.

should you feel a burning "oh my goodness, i can't live without him feeling" to know you are in love? There's really no "should" here. I've felt that way before only to realize after the fact that what I felt wasn't really love but infatuation or lust. Sometimes a fire that burns slowly yields greater reward.

is it true love gets deeper over time? We may think it should, but I'm not sure. I know that love can change over time from one that's more physically based to one that's more companionship based.

what if it's not intense in the beginning? is that a bad sign? Not always. Sometimes a relationship can be fuller when it sneaks up on you.

please weigh in and share any other insights on the topic.

******

KookyCurl · 05-15-2012, 12:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvmylocs

so, when you're in a relationship what's a general timeframe for saying "i love you"? Generally for me it's been anywhere from 2-5 months or so depending on the relationship before dating began. If I already kinda knew him it came out sooner. Mostly I like to wait until the first rush of new dating to make sure it's really love and not just infatuation.

does it really matter who says it first? No. I think there can be a lot of expectation to be at the same point at the same time but I think it's fine for you to be in different places. It should be said because YOU feel it. Not because you're hoping to get them to say it.

if a person is acting a certain way but doesn't say it, is that cause for concern? Not really. They may not be ready yet. They are powerful words and some people don't say them lightly or don't realize it well because of prior expectations.

if it hasn't explicitly been said after a period of time is it safe to assume the person does not love you? Each relationship is different so it can take different amounts of time. I do think however that if someone hasn't said it, but says "i could fall in love with you" after a while has gone by it probably is just stringing along.

how long would you remain in a relationship where there are no verbal expressions of "i love you"? Not long at all. Esp. if it has been discussed and an appropriate period went by. I'm ok with some people not saying the words often but showing how they feel otherwise but it still needs to be said now and again.

should you feel a burning "oh my goodness, i can't live without him feeling" to know you are in love? Not necessarily. In my experience it can totally sneak up on you. My BF said it first because I had let him know it was ok and not gonna freak me out. I needed a bit more time. In the interim he went on a vacation and I realized just how much I missed him and how I really felt. We've now been together almost 3 years. I don't feel so desperate not to be without him (except for when we got in a huge stupid fight and he almost walked). It's more that I feel lucky to have him in my life. He makes me feel beautiful no matter what. He makes me laugh and makes every day fun. He makes me feel loved and needed yet taken care of and appreciates me. My love for him simply is a part of me. It can overwhelm me at times when I think about it, but mostly it just is and he is where I feel at home. It just works and it's easy. We have our issues and normal arguments but for the most part it just flows.

is it true love gets deeper over time? I think yes because you know more about each other and you experience more together. You have to nurture it and that can deepen in.

what if it's not intense in the beginning? is that a bad sign? absolutely not. Before my BF and I started dating I had INTENSE feelings for this other dude. Like heart pounding blood rushing in the ears, breath come short when he walked in the room feelings. I knew my BF but I didn't really see him as BF material. Well the other guy and I never got together and my BF asked me out so I said what the hey. I had a fantastic time. He was a bit shy but asked me out again and I went. I haven't looked back. The other guy and I are still friends and the better I know him the more I know that I could NOT have dated him seriously. His lifestyle and choices just do not line up with my goals. I love him as a good friend but that is all. Intensity can totally blind you to things that don't line up with what you really want. I love the slow build my man and I had. It let us lay a solid foundation.

please weigh in and share any other insights on the topic.

Love is complex and as women we've been sold a whole bill of goods on how it's supposed to be. In reality it's very different for everyone involved. There is no one right way as long as it's right for you. I think my fave examples of fictional love are Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Bingley and Jane have that instant attraction and love but fail to let each other know and forces separate them. Lesson: be upfront about how you feel. Lizzie and Mr. Darcy let their preconceived notions of who they should be with blind them to opportunities yet in the end find the one person who completely fulfills their wish list. Lesson: be open but don't compromise those things most important to you.

I also look to family or friends whose relationship I envy and talk to them, see what makes their relationship tick and what might work for me, what can I emulate etc. My main inspirations are my grandparents and a friends marriage and my dad's second and even what went wrong with my parent's relationship. It's all helped me in my current one and my BF and I are super happy and going strong.

LAwoman · 05-15-2012, 01:38 PM

I've been in love 6 times in my life, and the guy has always said it within the first 2 months of the relationship.

However, as you know, the previous five did NOT work out, so.... the "timeline" for saying those 3 words, imo, isn't indicative of the success of the relationship whatsoever.

And no, I do not think it matters who says it first.

Now, with my current guy, he just barely beat me to it ... I really was going to say it first. But he also told me that this was by far the fastest he'd ever said it (2 months in), and that in previous serious relationships, it had taken him a year or more to say it.

I think some people are just much more cautious and or gaurded with their feelings, and he *definitely* is one of them .... but the fact that we'd had a history together going back 18 years gave our relationship a different dynamic.