Email for potential job....feedback needed :)

Hi, thank you for reading So basically, I have been working part-time for about a year. My current job has an unpaid break during the summer and next year they are cutting pay by alot, so I'm looking for new work. A lot of my friends are in the same field as me.....one organization in particular, I know four people (one is a good friend and my roommate) who all have the same job. It sounds like a really good fit for me, the pay is better than I would hope for, etc, just a really good opportunity.

This would be my first "real", full-time job after college. I'm pretty comfortable with my resume and cover letter at this point, but I always find the email where you introduce yourself etc. to be really awkward and stiff. Usually I say something like:

Good afternoon [name],

I'm writing in regards to the [title] position currently advertised on [wherever I found it]. I have attached my resume and cover letter as separate Word documents to this email. Please let me know if you require any more information, and I look forward to hearing back from you about this great opportunity.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

[my info]

My questions are, how can I improve this basic message as I'm not really happy about it? My cover letter goes into alot more detail as far as how qualified I am, how the jobs fit into my career goals, my skills, etc. and I don't want to be repetitive, but is this too short and stiff?

For this specific job, should I mention that I know people at the organization who recommended it to me? How would I word that without sounding like I'm name-dropping?


Thank you so much for any help with this.....I'm get so nervous when it's a job I really want....


4a?? Maybe 3c...some 4b??? No clue

tiny s-waves, coils, and spirals


- Cleanser: CJ Daily Fix or KC Come Clean
- Co-wash: Suave Naturals or V05
- RO: GVP Conditioning Balm or Tresemme Naturals
-Stylers: Garnier Pure Clean Gel, CJ Aloe Fix, KCCC


"I remember your childhood hair....flowin' wild at the county fair" - kelley stoltz

"and all the hours that you've been sitting at your vanity....may they carry you far from your misery" - conor oberst
Your email looks pretty good to me but take that with a tablespoon of salt . Mine would probably be around 2 lines if I'm lucky. I'm horrible at writing/being wordy(in the expressing yourself way, not blabble). I'm sure someone will chime in with helpful advice though.
Southern Colorado Curly
Mix of 2s med-low porosity, med-fine texture, lots of hair
I also like your email, but I do think it would be helpful to mention one of the people that you know at the organization to make it stand out. I'm not sure how you would word that, though.

Did any of these people suggest that you use their names? If so, you could start the email by saying something like:

Good afternoon [name]

Ms. XYZ in Dept. ABC suggested that I contact you regarding the employment opportunity currently advertised on....

*********************************
Good luck with this. I hope it works out for you!
2/c and some 3A.
Protein sensitive but can use occasionally
Highly porous. Color over grey.
Best 1st day method: Super Soaker
Stylers: Mix Curls in a Bottle into everything for shine. Terrible pj
Sometimes try roller sets - classic glamor but I prefer my curls.
Every day is a gift
Your email looks pretty good to me but take that with a tablespoon of salt . Mine would probably be around 2 lines if I'm lucky. I'm horrible at writing/being wordy(in the expressing yourself way, not blabble). I'm sure someone will chime in with helpful advice though.
Originally Posted by missbanjo
Thanks missbanjo Sometimes I think shorter is better because these people are busy and don't want to read tedious "please please give me a job" emails all day.....short and to the point might be best!


I also like your email, but I do think it would be helpful to mention one of the people that you know at the organization to make it stand out. I'm not sure how you would word that, though.

Did any of these people suggest that you use their names? If so, you could start the email by saying something like:

Good afternoon [name]

Ms. XYZ in Dept. ABC suggested that I contact you regarding the employment opportunity currently advertised on....

*********************************
Good luck with this. I hope it works out for you!
Originally Posted by curlypearl

Thank you for this! I like your wording. I have 2 good friends who work there, though one apparently has more "clout" than the other....should I pick one? Is it overkill to mention multiple people?

One friend told me I could mention her and that she would recommend me. The other I haven't had a chance to speak to yet (this conversation happened last night) but I'm 99% sure she would be okay with it. I'm not sending this until Monday because I have to tailor my cover letter to this specific position.


4a?? Maybe 3c...some 4b??? No clue

tiny s-waves, coils, and spirals


- Cleanser: CJ Daily Fix or KC Come Clean
- Co-wash: Suave Naturals or V05
- RO: GVP Conditioning Balm or Tresemme Naturals
-Stylers: Garnier Pure Clean Gel, CJ Aloe Fix, KCCC


"I remember your childhood hair....flowin' wild at the county fair" - kelley stoltz

"and all the hours that you've been sitting at your vanity....may they carry you far from your misery" - conor oberst
Hi Triple. I love your avatar by the way.

Personally, I think using one person's name is sufficient, if you think this person is well thought of in the organization (not sure how you would know that, though).

It might be a bit of overkill to mention both, although it probably wouldn't cause a problem. Maybe see what the other curlies advise here.

I hope you get the job - please post back!
2/c and some 3A.
Protein sensitive but can use occasionally
Highly porous. Color over grey.
Best 1st day method: Super Soaker
Stylers: Mix Curls in a Bottle into everything for shine. Terrible pj
Sometimes try roller sets - classic glamor but I prefer my curls.
Every day is a gift
I always paste my cover letter into the body of the email and attach it as a Word doc and my resume to the email.

It solves the problem of having to come up with something else to write, and the hiring manager or whoever can read about you right away.

Sent from The Brick
I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it.

Trending Topics


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:19 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com