She Make$ More

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I don't believe in roles or sexism, so no. I definitely don't believe whoever makes more gets more, is that a marriage/team or is that more like a roommate situation? That being said, this is why I prefer to be with a guy that makes not too much less than me or obviously more would be nice. I wouldn't feel right about travelling alone or having nice things while he doesn't, I would share, and that would mean less for me which is something I'm not interested in right now. I like where I am right now, I don't make that much money where I can pay more for a partner and my lifestyle not be majorly impacted, and that is important to me.

As for moving, I think that should be a joint decision. And naturally if lifestyle is improved dramatically because of moving that would be a big factor and reason to do so, that is just common sense. Traditionally it was usually for the man's job but not so much anymore. I don't see why there is an issue if it is the wife vs the husband unless people are just that sexist.
My husband earns more than me. So what? Our money is just that...ours. He always treats it as ours, and doesn't take anything for granted that he's special or deserves more just because he earns the money. He even goes farther than that and says that he is able to earn more money because he has me at home, enabling him to put more of his attention in work versus having to worry about running the household. That doesn't mean I have more chores...only that I have more responsiblity for making sure the chores get done...and that entails assigning chores to him as well.

If things were reversed and I earned more, it wouldn't change the dynamics of our relationship. If I won the lottery tomorrow, that money would still be ours, not mine. That's what marriage is...complete sharing of assets...in my view anyway. We both have rights and responsibilities to our community property.
The site is nice and so is the page but what strikes me is the contrast of his and mine. When you are married it is yours so I do not understand why the distinction is constantly pointed out and made.


The Facebook page appears pretty insightful. She addresses issues that may arise in a marriage when the women is the high-income earner. Doesn't appear to male bash. Overall, seems like a nice site. I wonder how much traffic the site gets. Wonder how many males appreciate their SO putting their "biz" out in the public square though.
Originally Posted by parislarue
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My husband and I talked about winning the lottery. He was playing, I wasn't. The mega million ticket was purchased 3 miles from our home. Eventhough he played there were members from his and my family we said we would help out.

Why my family too? Because the winnings would be OURS!
I am a 3c/4a with medium/fine strands
No strict haircare regimen - trying my hand at the Curly Girl Method.

Fitness Blog: http://femmefitalefitclub.com/
Check out the Femme Fitale Facebook page: facebook.com/FemmeFitaleFitness
I blended the 2 topics because the main driver of this entire discourse is money. And when there is so much emphasis placed on money I am going to start focusing on how well you manage it.

When it has been revealed you are not managing it well or have some shady practices...that invalidates your opinion on the topic because it has been revealed in my own assessment you have no clue what you are doing so I will stop listening to you talking about it in any form or context.

Does he need my permission to shop at Neimans and Saks - ummm YES!
Originally Posted by CurleeDST
This would never fly with me


I feel like this is two very seperate topics. A woman making more in a relationship and a couple obviously living beyonf their means (having people over for pizza and asking for money), unless they don't share their finances at all?

As far as dinamics changing if the woman is making more, I think its very individual to every couple. I know two couples where the man stays home with the kids. They do the majority of the cooking cleaning, shopping, volunteering at school, etc and love it.

If both are working, but the woman is working more (going with the op and she's a Dr), then the guy will have to put in more around the house. No different then if roles are flipped and the man is at work more and the wife may need to do more at home.

I don't know that its so much role reversal as just team worw within the marriage.
Originally Posted by CubrlyCanadian
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Fitness Blog: http://femmefitalefitclub.com/
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I don't think roles should change based on who makes more. But if one person doesn't work or only works parttime, then that person should do more of the household chores/childcare.

I also feel like when a person works (a paying job), there are certain things that person deserves to have that a non-income producing person doesn't...such as better clothes, a better car, more money to spend eating out at restaurants, more professional services, etc. That is, if there aren't sufficient resources for both to indulge equally. Whe money is an issue, the wage earner should have the edge bc there are certain expectations and needs that go along with having to go to work every day that a person who stays home usually doesn't encounter (e.g., if you stay home, you have more time to cook your own lunch, if you stay home you have less need for expensive new clothes.)

Other than that, I think the personalities of each person and their goals as a family should dictate who does what and where they live, etc.)

Not sure what you mean by:
constantly reminds my husband how he took her money
Originally Posted by spiderlashes5000
It took me a couple days to put my finger on why exactly that rubbed me the wrong way, and I finally can express it. It makes being the stay-at-home person seem like they should be an indentured servant instead of an equal partner in the relationship. A stay-at-home spouse isn't the hired help; they are (or should be) treated as an equal in the marriage. Just because you stay home or work from home doesn't mean that you aren't as valuable to the marriage as the person who earns more money. In many ways, the person who stays home is more so because very often what they do in keeping a home, raising the kids, etc. saves the family money that they would have to pay to others to fulfill the same functions. I don't think I could be married to someone who thought they were entitled to designer clothes, the latest gadgets, and an awesome car while I was dressed in Walmart clothes and drove a beater. I'd feel undervalued, to put it mildly. A family is a unit and everyone in it should share resources comparably.
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I agree with spiderlashes. I don't think it's about whether the person at home is worth less. The point is about the person who works outside the home typically having more of a need for the specific monetary items/activities spiderlashes mentioned, as a function of daily work activities. I would feel the same way whether I worked outside of the home or worked to take care of the home.

Clothing - "If there aren't sufficient resources for both to indulge equally," as spiderlashes wrote, it makes sense to me that the person who has to present themselves as a professional outside the home, and is being held to a standard for dress which is usually documented or inferred as being more formal as salaries increase, would use a greater portion of any available clothing dollars to meet those needs. If I was home everyday, I wouldn't need to wear suits, heels, etc. to the extent I wear for work (or need to at all even if I like them).

Cars - Depending on the job, you are expected to present a certain level of social class, which can include what you drive. Forgetting presentation, if we have two cars and I have to drive to the office daily and you stay home and maybe need to drive once or twice a week, it makes sense for me to use the nicer/newer/more fuel efficient car.

If there are sufficient resources, everyone gets whatever they want. If not, resources should be divided equitably based on need, not equally just because everything belongs to us. I think spiderlashes was being practical rather than selfish.
People rise to the standard expected of them. GC
I think the word SL used -- "deserves" -- is quite loaded. The person working outside the home NEEDS certain things to present themselves well professionally. It has nothing to do with who deserves it, IMO.
I think the word SL used -- "deserves" -- is quite loaded. The person working outside the home NEEDS certain things to present themselves well professionally. It has nothing to do with who deserves it, IMO.
Originally Posted by wild~hair
You're right, that word can be loaded. In the scarcity of resources context, I think deserve or need are both fine as long as someone else is saying it about a hypothetical couple rather than one part of a real couple saying it about her or himself .
People rise to the standard expected of them. GC
I don't really agree with everyone 100% on this.

While, I do agree that money should be shared, not all my money will be my husband's money. I do plan on putting SOME money into a joint account, but most of it will be going into my own separate account. Yes, we're married. But my money is my money. As long as the bills are paid (equally so, unless one makes more than the other then we can work something out that would be fair to the both of us), but that money is mine! xD

Things like bills and grocery shopping will OFC be taken out of the joint account. But things like me buying things for myself (or others for that matter) will be taken out of my account. I wouldn't want my husband using our joint account to buy new rims! He can use his own money for that kind of ish

IDK. I disagree with the notion that it should be "our" money. I worked hard for my money and if the bills are paid I should be able to buy myself a pair of shoes without hearing complaints.

Last edited by sleepymeko; 05-20-2012 at 01:36 AM.
If you feel that way, you'll need to write a prenup agreement before getting married, because the laws in most states consider most marital assets and incomes to be community property.


I don't really agree with everyone 100% on this.

While, I do agree that money should be shared, not all my money will be my husband's money. I do plan on putting SOME money into a joint account, but most of it will be going into my own separate account. Yes, we're married. But my money is my money. As long as the bills are paid (equally so, unless one makes more than the other then we can work something out that would be fair to the both of us), but that money is mine! xD

Things like bills and grocery shopping will OFC be taken out of the joint account. But things like me buying things for myself (or others for that matter) will be taken out of my account. I wouldn't want my husband using our joint account to buy new rims! He can use his own money for that kind of ish

IDK. I disagree with the notion that it should be "our" money. I worked hard for my money and if the bills are paid I should be able to buy myself a pair of shoes without hearing complaints.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
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Every family and marriage is different and the dynamics are different. I made a very personal decision to give up a 6 figure salary and stay home with our children when our first was born. My husband has worked from home for the last couple of years since the company he spent 22 years with decided they didn't need an office here and everyone could work remotely. Even after moving to a new company after being laid off in February, he still works from home because his current company is also in a different state. And, yes, all of the money he makes is ours. It belongs to him, me, and the children. My husband would happily tell you that my choice to stay home enables him to make more money than he ever did. He'd also tell you that he believes I work much harder than he does, though he does as much of the housework as I do.

Anyone who thinks that stay at home parents drive once or twice a week and almost never need to leave the house is quite under informed, I think. I put way more miles on my car than my husband puts on his, getting the kids to and from school, to dance, to gymnastics, to baseball, to swim class, to friends' houses, to birthday parties, to the library, and myself to PTO meetings, to fundraisers, to tutoring sessions for other students, to the supermarket, to the cleaners, to the bank, and to all the other many errands I have to run every day that help keep this family running smoothly. I only spend maybe 15-30 minutes cleaning every day and 15-60 minutes cooking most days. I work out, shower, get dressed, do my hair, and put on my makeup every day. Do people really think we sit around the house all day, every day, and do nothing but cook, clean, do laundry, and watch TV?

Yes, my husband needs more professional clothes than I do now, but he only needs suits occasionally, for national meetings and awards dinners--business casual is usually good enough for him when he has corporate meetings or sees clients. And my husband sees clients all over our state, travels every 2-4 weeks, and is pretty high up in his company. None of this would be any different if he went to an office every day. Business casual would still be good enough most times. Outside of NYC, it usually is.

I spend every day out of the house, dealing with teachers, parents, students, and others. If my husband told me that I should spend all my days in yoga pants or crappy clothes and that I didn't deserve a decent car for myself and our children, and he wasn't joking, he would find himself lonely pretty quickly. Thankfully, my husband would never expect me to spend my days looking like I don't care about myself anymore.

The fact is, at this point in our lives, if money was tight to the point that everyone couldn't get the clothes/things we wanted/needed, it's the children who would be bought for first and both of us who would go without. That isn't negotiable. Ever. As far as we're concerned, it's our children who have more need of these things than we do.

As for the original question, I don't believe in "role reversals". The roles every marriage/family have are defined by each marriage/family. If my husband was the one who stayed home and I was the one who worked, he would be doing almost everything I do (I doubt he would tutor or run the yearbook committee, since those just aren't his things), and probably things I don't do that fit his personality and abilities.
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"...just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face." ~Harry Dresden

Naila (sp?), you would have more need for a car doing all those things, but not everyone does. I totally agree with all of that and don't think it's any different than my point. For families like yours (work from home is increasing but still not the norm), decisions would still be based on need if limited resources dictated needs-based judgements.

I didn't make any assumptions about individual relationships; I gave an example that takes into account general needs of a work versus non-work situation. Everyone who stays home doesn't have children. Also, most children in the US still attend neighborhood schools, so they could walk to school with a parent who stayed home, whereas many cities still don't have adequate public transportation so getting to work is more likely to require a car. All families can't afford for their children to be in multiple activities. If both partners work outside the home and have children, those same needs you address as a stay at home mom would be negotiated between partners and then resources allocated appropriately. That's what happens in my house where we do all of those things and both work 6-figure jobs outside the home.

Regarding your personal situation, if you don't work outside the home and still dress up everyday and put on makeup, it's a personal choice, not an external requirement. Business casual sounds like a requirement for your husband. So that example reinforces the wants versus needs point I believe spider was making, if resources were limited.
People rise to the standard expected of them. GC
If you feel that way, you'll need to write a prenup agreement before getting married, because the laws in most states consider most marital assets and incomes to be community property.


I don't really agree with everyone 100% on this.

While, I do agree that money should be shared, not all my money will be my husband's money. I do plan on putting SOME money into a joint account, but most of it will be going into my own separate account. Yes, we're married. But my money is my money. As long as the bills are paid (equally so, unless one makes more than the other then we can work something out that would be fair to the both of us), but that money is mine! xD

Things like bills and grocery shopping will OFC be taken out of the joint account. But things like me buying things for myself (or others for that matter) will be taken out of my account. I wouldn't want my husband using our joint account to buy new rims! He can use his own money for that kind of ish

IDK. I disagree with the notion that it should be "our" money. I worked hard for my money and if the bills are paid I should be able to buy myself a pair of shoes without hearing complaints.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
Originally Posted by RedCatWaves
OFC I plan to have a prenup! I spent too much money in school and worked too hard in life to have all my money be someone else's money. I am in the belief that if the marriage turns sour I WILL have the ability to swiftly and gracefully leave the marriage if I choose to do so. Why? Because I put away my own money. I will never allow myself to rely on someone else's income. I also never plan to buy a house if I cannot afford the mortgage with my own salary. What if my husband was to die and I was left with all those bills and couldn't afford my home anymore?

I have expectations and I expect him to work as well. But if he was to lose job, I have no problems taking over the bills. But if that's the case, he shouldn't be spending money on things that are not bills or food. He can go treat himself to nice things once he finds a job again. And the same things go for my children. I plan to put them on an allowance and once they reach 16 I expect them to work at part-time jobs. I received the same treatment and I never expect my mother to hand me over money. Everything I've had since I was 16 was bought with my own money.

As some other posters have said, not every family is alike, eh? I've seen some lazy husbands or wives and I wasn't put on this earth to allow a man to free ride (not saying everyone else is doing so), but I expect my husband to have a job and if he doesn't, actively looking for one. I expect the same type of treatment, so it's not like it's a double standard. I can understand taking time off from work because of a new baby, but I feel once that baby is of school age, there is no reason to be staying at home. At least get a part-time job, so you're not relying 100% on your husband? I know my POV on this topic may seem rude to some people, but I'm not trying to be.
I'm guessing Saks is a shop? If so, he needs consent/permission to go shopping?
Originally Posted by curlylaura
Saks Fifth Avenue is probably the most upscale and expensive chain of department stores in the US. (eta: Saks is currently selling a pair of men's sandals for $1635.) She's saying that her husband doesn't need to consult with her for everyday expenses, but that they'd need to talk before dropping a lot of money on luxury items. I think it's completely reasonable to insist that major purchases be joint decisions.

Anyway, in American culture, job income earned during a marriage is joint property. That's also what the law in most states says. It sounds like this guy's wife might be financially abusive, ie controlling her husband by controlling the household's finances.
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Last edited by Eilonwy; 05-20-2012 at 01:11 PM.
Those are some fugly sandals. Just sayin'.

LOL
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Dia, I don't disagree with the need vs. want issue. I do disagree with stating that one person in a marriage deserves something more than the other simply because that person works for an income (or doesn't). I have issues with the implication that one person's contribution is more important than the other's and so deserves more. These things differ greatly between relationships and families and need to be addressed on a case by case basis. One person may need something more than the other at some time or another, but that doesn't mean the other deserves it any less. Keeping with the clothing example--I think everyone deserves to be able to look however they need to look, within their means, to be able to feel good about themselves in a manner appropriate to the situation. Besides, working for pay is not the only reason a person may need to look professional.
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"...just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face." ~Harry Dresden

I don't really agree with everyone 100% on this.

While, I do agree that money should be shared, not all my money will be my husband's money. I do plan on putting SOME money into a joint account, but most of it will be going into my own separate account. Yes, we're married. But my money is my money. As long as the bills are paid (equally so, unless one makes more than the other then we can work something out that would be fair to the both of us), but that money is mine! xD

Things like bills and grocery shopping will OFC be taken out of the joint account. But things like me buying things for myself (or others for that matter) will be taken out of my account. I wouldn't want my husband using our joint account to buy new rims! He can use his own money for that kind of ish

IDK. I disagree with the notion that it should be "our" money. I worked hard for my money and if the bills are paid I should be able to buy myself a pair of shoes without hearing complaints.
Originally Posted by sleepymeko
I agree with this but I'm also not selfish and wouldn't completely indulge in extras for myself while my SO didnt have much if he didnt make as much and I wouldn't marry a selfish or cheap man either. If I made more, I would contribute more to the household. I agree with having own personal accounts because I believe you should manage your own personal expenses and not have to check in when making purchases, even big ones, well besides a car, boat, or something like that.
IDK. I disagree with the notion that it should be "our" money. I worked hard for my money and if the bills are paid I should be able to buy myself a pair of shoes without hearing complaints.
I guess I don't see why you think the two are mutually exclusive.
I'm never going to be the one making the larger sum of money (and oh yeah, I work very hard), but if I were, and I were married, I would absolutely want the money to belong to both of us. So long as it weren't spent irresponsibly (as in, something extravagant that we couldn't afford), it wouldn't bother me that my lower wage-earning husband bought himself something nice. I wouldn't be keeping tabs on how much my hypothetical husband spent.
I do think having separate accounts is a good thing for whatever might come up and for indulgences, but I would still want the bulk of the money to be shared.
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IDK. I disagree with the notion that it should be "our" money. I worked hard for my money and if the bills are paid I should be able to buy myself a pair of shoes without hearing complaints.
I guess I don't see why you think the two are mutually exclusive.
I'm never going to be the one making the larger sum of money (and oh yeah, I work very hard), but if I were, and I were married, I would absolutely want the money to belong to both of us. So long as it weren't spent irresponsibly (as in, something extravagant that we couldn't afford), it wouldn't bother me that my lower wage-earning husband bought himself something nice. I wouldn't be keeping tabs on how much my hypothetical husband spent.
I do think having separate accounts is a good thing for whatever might come up and for indulgences, but I would still want the bulk of the money to be shared.
Originally Posted by Saria
I'm not saying the person who works the hardest makes the most money. I'm just saying I work too hard for my money to not belong to me. As long as the bills are paid, IDC how his money is spend. He could buy a giant moose head for all I care. Quite frankly, I think it's no one's business how someone decides to spend their money. If he makes enough money to go and afford a new car and it doesn't interfere with current bills then go ahead. If he wants a boat? Go ahead. I don't want to be someone's mother. And I disagree with the bulk of money being shared. That's not how I want to live my life, wondering what my husband spent "our" money on. If the bills are paid and he is taking the money out of his own account, then I really don't care what he does with the money.

It would be a different story if either one of us is buying things that are out of our price range since it will make us short for our bills. I don't want a man looking over my shoulder asking me why I bought a new bag and I don't wanna do the same for my husband either. Financial independence and having my own money is very important to me.

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