Advice needed from older, wiser people :)

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  • 2 Post By Spider
  • 1 Post By Saila

Hi!
So I don't ask for advice much, but for this case I need advice about a difficult situation (reationship related) from someone older. And I can't confront my parents about it.

I would rather discuss in a PM, but if needed I'll post.

Thanks, all your help is much appreciated!
Hair type: 2C-3A, very dry, extremely low porosity, med elasticity, insanely thick kinky-wavy.
HGs: Trader Joe's Nourish spa conditioner, Epsom salt rinse, Joico K-pak conditioner
There are many older and young gals here, if you feel comfortable posting you may get advice and perspective from all angles that may help
curlypearl and kayb like this.
Don't let your heart be broken. Let it love.
I agree with Spider. I'm older and with some issues I've been through a lot so I have some wisdom to offer, but I've learned a lot from some of the younger curlies on here. It all depends on what the person has experienced and their level of insight.

That said, I'd be happy to help if I can.
2/c and some 3A.
Protein sensitive but can use occasionally
Highly porous. Color over grey.
Best 1st day method: Super Soaker
Stylers: Mix Curls in a Bottle into everything for shine. Terrible pj
Sometimes try roller sets - classic glamor but I prefer my curls.
Every day is a gift
I'm older and love to give advice. I'm not interested in one-on-one counseling sessions with strangers though. Post here and I'll be happy to give my 2 cents.
Ok I suppose the gist of it is that my parents and I have never had the talk about relationships before - but they have hinted plenty of times that I "don't need one" right now. They're ok with dating - but only dating with the purpose of marriage. Which isn't happening anytime soon for me.

I'm nearly 20. I think that's pretty unreasonable. I'm a sophomore in college now, and not suprisingly I've met a really nice boy. We've been dating for some time now, and overall I'd say it's a very healthy relationship.

What would you do? I don't know how to go about telling them. It's just an awkward, terrifying situation for me - I don't want this relationship to end, because it's the kind I've been waiting for.
Hair type: 2C-3A, very dry, extremely low porosity, med elasticity, insanely thick kinky-wavy.
HGs: Trader Joe's Nourish spa conditioner, Epsom salt rinse, Joico K-pak conditioner
If you want to tell them, then do so. As a parent to a nearly 17 year old, I'd have my concerns regardless but it sounds like your maturity and recognition of it being a positive thing it as good as it could be.

I never really took guys I casually dated around my parents until it was serious , unfortunately I wouldn't call the first two big ones exactly healthy, but I learned a heck of a lot.

Chances are they already assume you are dating, but it's really your call, if you see a purpose yet .
Don't let your heart be broken. Let it love.
Ok Wavie. I understand a little, but I have some questions. Are your parents very religious? Are they basing their instructions to you on their religious beliefs?

How much do you want to tell your parents about this relationship?

Also, I'm not understanding why the relationship would end. Is it because your parents would forbid it?

Does the boy that you like understand the situation? Do his parents know?

Above all, what you think and feel matters, in my opinion. Of course you want to please your parents and pay attention to what they believe and have taught you, but it sounds as though you are thinking for yourself also, and I think that's a very good thing. Only you can decide for yourself whether to continue seeing this boy, even though it isn't going to end in marriage any time soon.

Sending {{{Hugs}}} to you, because I realize you are feeling very anxious. Please keep posting and hopefully, other people on this forum will chime in.
2/c and some 3A.
Protein sensitive but can use occasionally
Highly porous. Color over grey.
Best 1st day method: Super Soaker
Stylers: Mix Curls in a Bottle into everything for shine. Terrible pj
Sometimes try roller sets - classic glamor but I prefer my curls.
Every day is a gift
They're ok with dating - but only dating with the purpose of marriage.
Originally Posted by wavie
Is this because of their religious beliefs?

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
I'm neither old nor wise, but I was in your exact same shoes 3-4 years ago so here's my take on it.

First of all, don't be terrified. This is the first time you've been in this situation, so it's it's new and scary - but relax.

Secondly, how important is it to you that your parents know about this relationship? Keep in mind that they don't have to know (and won't and even shouldn't know) everything about your life the older you get. Now, I'm not saying be secretive and live a second life but just honestly evaluate how urgent it is for you to inform them about this.

If you want to tell them, realize that you don't immediately have to spill your guts. You can take it a small step at time. Maybe hint that you might like a boy... And go from there.

Chances are your parents will love you and accept you at the end of the day. I'm not saying they'll be happy about it, but... You have to grow up some day. It is your life and you do have the right to date the way you want to.

On a related note, it seems like you are really set on pleasing parents - and this is a value that varies from culture to culture and person to person. This is a value you should reflect on. I'm not saying this is good or bad, but this is something you should subjectively and objectively reconsider. What does it mean to you now that you are in college vs. when you were in high school? It appears that you and your parents are not the same page in terms of values and beliefs, and these differences will only get more exaggerated the older you get and the older your parents get.

When I was younger, I wouldn't have dreamed about doing something to even mildly displeased my parents. They never had to tell me to do my homework or chores... But then I realized that I was 17-18 (which is different from being 12) and I had the right to explore a romantic relationship with a really amazing guy.

Realize that you don't need permission anymore, though I understand why you are looking for it.
curlypearl likes this.
I'm older but I'm not sure I'm wiser or the type of person you'd want to listen to for relationship advise.
My parents and I have always been close but I've always been very independent and have never allowed them to have any say in my relationships. When I turned 18 I felt I was an adult and no longer let them make any decisions for me.
In Western PA
Found NC in 2004. CG since 2-05, going grey since 9-05. 3B with some 3A.
Hair texture-medium/fine, porosity-normal except for the ends which are porous, elasticity-normal.
Suave & VO5 cond, LA Looks Sport Gel, oils, honey, vinegar.
http://public.fotki.com/jeepcurlygurl/ password jeepy **updated Aug 2014**

I agree with Jeep. You're an adult...time to start acting like it and taking control of the reigns of your life. Tell your parents about the boyfriend...or not. It's your choice.
Ok Wavie. I understand a little, but I have some questions. Are your parents very religious? Are they basing their instructions to you on their religious beliefs?

How much do you want to tell your parents about this relationship?

Also, I'm not understanding why the relationship would end. Is it because your parents would forbid it?

Does the boy that you like understand the situation? Do his parents know?
Originally Posted by curlypearl
First of all, thanks for all the support, it means a lot!

Secondly, it's not religion at all. They just fear it'll distract me from doing well in school. I should probably mention they grew up abroad in a very different culture, but I've lived in the US all my life. So it's more culture.

Also, when I think about it, they can't do anything to stop it. But this issue could cause a ton of friction in our relationship. Since we've been SOOOO close thus far, and I rely on them to a huge extent, I guess I don't want to blow it.

And finally I want to tell them, but my bf wants me to tell them even more. Just because we've been "hiding" it for so long from other people, and in public. And of course we'd like our parents backing us.

His parents know, they support it. So that makes it easier. I think my plan at this point is to ask exactly what they think about relationships in general, and go from there.
Hair type: 2C-3A, very dry, extremely low porosity, med elasticity, insanely thick kinky-wavy.
HGs: Trader Joe's Nourish spa conditioner, Epsom salt rinse, Joico K-pak conditioner
Be prepared that they may get very upset. It could escalate into a real battle, but that's actually normal - at least in US culture. It's part of becoming an adult - making up your own mind about things and living your own life. I'm reminded of the movie "Bend it Like Beckham" which you might enjoy seeing.

I hope you aren't very hurt by their response. If possible, be patient with them and with yourself. It will take time for them to get used to you thinking and acting as an adult.
2/c and some 3A.
Protein sensitive but can use occasionally
Highly porous. Color over grey.
Best 1st day method: Super Soaker
Stylers: Mix Curls in a Bottle into everything for shine. Terrible pj
Sometimes try roller sets - classic glamor but I prefer my curls.
Every day is a gift
You're an adult and you sound responsible they'll probably be more okay with it than you think. I'm 21 now and got married at 20, my parents were never big on me dating but took it really really well which threw me off. Hope things go the same for you
Just tell them (and bring a copy of your most recent grade report to bolster your position...assuming it's good)! LOL

Have him on standby in case they want to meet him.

Let us know how it goes.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

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